The struggle was brief and then there was silence.
The bespectacled middle-aged gent was lying face down, straddled on the black and white tiled bathroom floor, with one hand pulled behind his back. Joebob held his ankles and Duke, all 6’10” of him, sat on his torso, as Kapalua groped and strained to take the sharp razor out of his hands, all the while mindful of not spilling this man’s coffee. And to make matters worse–he was naked as a jaybird. However, in the process of this melee, the bespectacled man’s venti triple-espresso latte wlo foam was knocked over. Too bad!
What was worse? Standing nude in a Bay Hill bathroom, with pictures of Arnie staring at you, holding a straight razor at your gonads or knocking over your fresh Starbuck’s brew? How had this come to be? I think we all knew 73-92 after 2 rounds was pretty bizarre, but what caused Snoot’s meltdown? Could it have been caused when a whole tub of cold water cascaded onto Snoot’s lap the night before at Antonio’s Ristorante and seeing his dinner-mate Kapalua, minutes later wince, as the sleek blackhaired waiter (AKA the Slasher) almost knocked out his teeth out with cheap Chinese dinnerware?
As a ruffled and forlorn Snoot sat up, surrounded by his pals, he silently cursed his situation. “You know, I’ve been haunted by my collapse at the Michigan WDI for the past 4months——daily nightmares of Duke making his birdie putt on 18 and then laughing hysterically at me; the Tour players whispering behind my back when I enter the locker room; sponsors avoiding me like the plague and my dog licking his balls whenever I go to the bathroom.” Then he shook his head and placed it gently into the palm of his hands.
Who says the WDI has no drama! The list of golfers who vie to qualify on the WDI Tour is growing. For instance, Keith” The Kid” Hiatt, a past WDI Finalist in Ireland in ‘08 and the first alternate, was knocking around at Orange County on Thursday prior to the first tee-time, hoping one of the schmoes, like Denise or Neck would drop out. The large-headed man, Briggsey, was in a semi-vegetative state, sitting by his cell-phone in the PC Men’s Grill, also hoping to get that call from Commissioner Kapalua, exempting him from qualifying so that he could enter the tourney. But, there was no room in the manger, so to speak. “We would love to give our Tour more profile on TV, but we have to draw the line somewhere. Who wants to watch a large potato head bobble up and down the fairways for 18 holes. No one, I guess, except Mrs. Potato Head,” explained the perplexed Commish.
But alas, everyone showed up for the first tee-time…..well, almost everyone. Mudman was lost in a large sinkhole on I-4 and had to be extracted from it by a group of school kids. And Snoot was waiting in line at a Starbuck’s for his 14th cup of Java for the day and simply lost track of time.
What a FIRST day it turned out to be. 99-1 shot Mudman, after finally arriving at Crooked Cat, shot a sparkling 75 and +6 quota points.1000-1 shot Blather Neck, playing like Tom Watson at last year’s British Open, surprised his critics, especially Jimmy the Geek, by opening with a superb 81 and a +6 also. Duke, everyone’s favorite to WIN 3 consecutive WDls for the first time in history shot 76 and a +1. And then Bay Hill, for rounds 2 and 3, reared it’s ugly head and the scores went tumbling. Perennial fan favorite, Kapalua, and leading money winner in ‘09, shot 82–84–93 and was a GONER. Last year’s champ, the Menace, wasn’t menacing anymore as the tough Bay Hill course ate his lunch. (Which pissed off Dennis because he had already paid for it ) Duke–Boynie–Lil Petey–Broneck–Galen all floundered as well, as they fell victim to Arnie’s Creation. (of course it could also have been the 14 bottles of wine for the first 2 nites, cigars and whiskey).
At the conclusion of round 3 at Bay Hill, as the players were converging on the practice green for their “nighttime putting contest”, out of the blue, a resurgent Snooter shows up. (he had been hibernating in his room after day 2, surrounded by his shrink, Dr. James Edgar; his pastor, the good Father Molester and 3 ‘nice’ girls from Club Cheetah in Orlando).
With a huge, WAT DA BE and the pals converging, chest-bumping and high fiving all-around—Snoot blurted out he was “caffeine free” for the past 20 minutes and ready to compete. “I am not going to fold like the Snooter of old or like Kapalua in Palm Springs in ‘95 or like the ‘67 Mets”, he blurted out. So with all his baggage floating around his brain, the Snoot heads out, not only, to battle his closest competitors—Joebob, Fish and Mudman, but also the brisk 40 mph winds at tough Panther Lake.
Joebob, vying to become the”Comeback Player of the Year” PLAYED HIS GUTS OUT TO SHOOT 81. The Fish, flopping around like a giant Peruvian sea bass and 1000-1 Blather Neck had remarkable days to end up tied for 3rd. What about Snoot? Goodbye demons–goodbye Edgar–goodbye Fr. Molester–HELLO CHEETAH GIRLS!!!!! He shoots 82 to win by 7 over a hard-charging Joebob. What a finish!!!!!!!!!!
Rick Reilly
FINAL SCORES
1 SNOOT +4 73-92-82-82
2 JOEBOB -3 87-89-87-81
3 NECK -5 81-95-92-81
3 FISH -5 93-86-93-90
5 MUDMAN -7 75-87-84-81
6 BOYNIE -10 90-94-90-90
7 KAPALUA -11 82-84-93-88
7 PETE -11 84-84-85-84
9 DENISE -14 84-101-96-97
10 DUKE -15 76-84-79-82
11 BRONECK -18 83-85-89-84
12 GALEN -19 90-98-97-93
TWO MAN TEAMS
NECK AND SNOOT -1
JOEBOB AND MUDMAN -13
KAPALUAAND FISH -16
PETE AND BOYNIE -21
DUKE AND DENISE -29
BRONECK AND GALEN -37