Who will hoist the aluminum Commissioner’s Cup, emblematic of the “Best damned WDI golfer in Michigan” this September in the Final Major of the Friggin Year? Will it be a red-hot Kapalua who was “en fuego” for most of the summer or his roommate Joe Bobbo, also on a hot streak? Or could it be the Alabama co-winners Snooter and Duke trying to “repeat?” And finally, who will be the new T.C. Chen at Oakland Hills? (Morrie’s not playing)
Thanks to my good friend, Jimmy “The Geek” he will “honestly” handicap the field for September’s tourney.
Jorge Kapalua 2 – 1
The sweet-swinging, good-looking Puerto Rican/Hawaiian seems to be the odds-on favorite in Michigan. Won there previously at Treetops in 2006 over nine grueling courses culminating with a final round 79 at the Bear in Traverse City, beating a premiere field of top 100 golfers. So he has the experience. His swing coach, Butch Harmon says “Kap has never hit the ball more weller (Diane) then this summer. I pick him to win it all.” Voted outstanding smart, MOFO WDI Golfer by the girls at Mons Venus, he needs to win this event to salvage his year. As you know, a year without a WDI major is a failure to “Eldrick” Kapalua.
Neck 100 – 1
Back in the prime of his life, he was ALWAYS a fierce competitor. His German
stock prohibited him from “taking a dive” or crying when behind. (There’s no crying in golf, Neck.) Back in the day, in the final round on Sunday afternoon, a hard-charging Neck put fear in the hearts of all players; but that was then. Now, he is a shell of a man. Drives go 155 – 160 yards max, nine-iron’s 65 yards max; can’t putt, chip or chew gum. Chili dip is his favorite food. Flying from Michigan to Tampa to Austin on a weekly basis has given him a million free Delta Sky Miles, but, unfortunately, has sapped his strength. Was DQ’d in last Michigan WDI in 2006 and disgraced before his Michigan fans, all two of them. Predicted finish – “LAST.”
Boynie 99 – 1
His playing career can be likened to the blockbuster movie hit, “The Wreckage of
the Andrea Doria.” It may be finally time for Boynie to have that surgery to remove both his arms and replace them with arm prosthesis. Up-and-down play/career currently in down mode. Has slim chance of victory, but could be spoiler as partner. (In other words, he’ll spoil his playing partner’s round/day.) Playing very Baddely (as in Aaron) lately. Won’t be playing with regular Saturday morning playing chum, Denise, who he has played with for over 40 years. (And Morrie is nowhere to be seen either.) Could be significant detriment to young Boynie Stein.
Fishman 98 – 1
Another ex-WDI champion who has seen his glory days come and go (see WDI ’08), but has fallen on hard times. Some say his game recently smells like “rotting mackerel.” New clubs could be the reason or looking at Mitzel’s swing all those years could also be a factor. The big question is, can the “flopping flounder” rebound in time to win at Michigan? The answer – a resounding “NO.” Of course, if his handicap remains at 17, he could “swim” in the back door.
Snoot. “The People’s Player” 4 – 1
After years of abject failure following his first WDI win in Atlanta in ’97, the Snoot
Dog baffled his pundits, with a co-championship win this past May in Alabama. His ’09 play, however, reminds one of an ex-champ who battles years of alcohol, drugs, bitches, and depression and then wins again. Could Snoot be “on the road to recovery?” A repeat win would put him in the premiere class of consecutive WDI winners – Bolt, Kapalua, Fish – all the men he has looked up to and admired all of his miserable, wretched life. Come on, Snoot Dog, you can do it. WAT DAT BE!
Duke 5 – 1
After posting a second place finish at Bandon Dunes in August of ’05, the Duke of Eric fell off the wagon and left the WDI tour. However, after losing his card after Bandon Dunes due to poor eating habits and lousy golf course strategy, the Duke found God. After all, he was touted in 2001 as “promising New player on WDI Tour.” The Duke displayed flashes of brilliance but never won a Major – till Alabama ’09. With the weight of the world off his back, can he resurrect his career before he marries? (In Oct.?) Will he have a great time at his bachelor party? (post WDI tourney) Could he lose his passport in Canada? Will he wake up in a Canadian jail cell smelling of whiskey and stale perfume? Tune in after the Michigan WDI to find out the answers.
Broneck 6 – 1
Oldest living player in WDI history, 89 year old Broneck is still in the competitive
mode. He plays only two majors a year to preserve his strength. Although he last won in ’05 in Jacksonville/Orlando WDI tying with Kapalua at Bay Hill, he has competed well in subsequent WDIs while eating a solid diet of oatmeal and pablum. Broneck is an excellent two-man partner with a deliberate stroke. However, following his retirement from Aeroflot Airlines, Broneck’s handicap has steadily plummeted to a zero. Does he have the stamina to play well in his own Michigan back yard? NEIN!
Joe Bob 3 – 1
Joe Bobbo, known affectionately by his child patients, as “Doctor Wop” has been
striking the ball pretty Diane (Weller) lately. But he could be peaking a little prematurely, if you know what I mean. Was recently caught “peeking” in his car at Hooter’s parking lot by Tampa Police several months ago. Spending the week in the slammer has changed his resolve to win in Michigan. However, doesn’t take well to Italian curses when he is playing good golf. Otherwise, could be the dark horse of the field assuming he doesn’t drink vodka with cranberry following that up with a couple lemoncello’s. Looking forward to “spooning” with bi-sexual roomie, Kapalua.
Well, there you have it sports fans. Thanks, Jimmy, for your “honest” input. See you at Oakland Hills. Remember, recorded play to be aired on ESPN “3” from 3:00 a.m. to 5:00 a.m., Tues. – Sat., September 21 – 26.
Rick Reilly