Amid cries of joy and jubilation, WDI Golfers and their caddies giddy in disbelief, patted themselves on the back, and let the breaking news sink in: The gigantic (and still growing) “Melon Head” Briggs was not going to defend his WDI title at the upcoming first jewel of the WDI 2009 Tour at Orlando in February.
It’s not known whether WDI Chairman Kapalua Finchem suspended the “large head” or if Briggsy (as he is known by certain folks), elected not to play due to personal reasons. However, when a local WTVT reporter caught up with Commissioner Kapalua just as he was exiting Mons Venus after Superbowl XLIII held in Tampa, besides being red-faced and boner-less, the Commissioner blurted out that, apparently, Mr. Potato Head had been caught with his pants down, so to speak, at a men’s bathroom at the Dublin Airport by Irish undercover agents after winning the Irish WDI in September ’08, and sought to take personal leave for a while. The Commissioner declined to say if these allegations would hurt the WDI Tour in ’09. “It is factual that WDI sponsorships declined in Q4 08, and when the PGA Tour lost Tiger for six months, it definitely suffered, but to what degree, I can’t tell you,” snapped a nervous Commissioner Kapalua pulling up his collar to conceal two, large, red hickeys on his neck. “But I can tell you this, many of the PGA viewers flocked to the WDI Tour last year just to see cagey vets like Snoot Doggy Dog and Blather Neck roam the fairways. Time will tell in ’09 whether the viewers will watch Woods and the PGA or Duke, Fish, and Briggs on the WDI Tour.”
Other WDI golfers offered their views when contacted by the undersigned.
Newman (his playing partner in Ireland ’08) “I’m shocked. When I learned of this, I fell and broke my ankle (again).”
Snooter McNulty “You know, I sat next to the fucker on the WDI golf bus daily for a week, and he never once tried to kiss or fondle me.” I am quite thankful for that, but I can assure you I napped with one eye open, and I avoid him now at Palma Ceia.”
Jack Briggs (Mikey’s older brother) “No comment.”
Fish “I don’t care what persuasion he is. I think I could have overtaken that large head with my 22 handicap and careful pre-shot routine that is now fully-honed and ready for ’09.”
Keith “The Kid” Hiatt (longtime friend and player in Irish WDI) “Well, I don’t know if this is just plain gossip, but Mikey lived in Wisconsin for a while, and I remember someone inadvertently called him the Fond-u-Iac Fondler after he won a golf tournament there in ’78. I couldn’t believe it.”
Wildman Wilde (played in Irish WDI) “He always borrowed my chap stick in Ireland. I really thought he had chapped lips. But now, I don’t know…”
While it is not this reporter’s style to kick a man with a large head when he’s down, it’s safe to say the Tour won’t be seeing the Potato Head for awhile, and that may be a good thing (see John Daly). But who will be the frontrunner for the first crown of 2009? I asked my good friend the Mediterranean Grease Ball Jimmy “The Geek” to handicap the field.
Boynie (3-1)
Went from first to worst. Finished last in Orlando ’08 after winning in Torrey Pines in ’07, due to mysterious “injury” to left arm after Popeye-Arm Attachment operation went awry. Was a gamer though and played through pain.
Feels he has the chutzpah to win again “with or without Morrie.” What do a Limey, Kraut, Jew and Wop have in common? They’re all staying in the Mongrel Villa.
Fish (4-1)
Repeat winner in ’08 – he was investigated by SEC, FBI, CIA, and Costa Nostra and suspended from tour for foul-fish smelling golf play in June to September of ’08. The Flying Flounder missed Ireland and 3-peat chance due to suspension, but has been reinstated to WDI tour in time for Orlando. Wants to show WDI pals he’s no “catfish” but a friggin killer whale. Wait till you see his “fish-hook.”
Kapalua (5-1)
Finished 3rd in Orlando ’08 and never really captured his sterling play of ’06 – ’07 when he won consecutive tourneys in Michigan and Pinehurst. After limping in 9th in Ireland, he has retooled his swing and has been playing more “weller” (as in Diane). Has been en fuego as of late which made his handicap plummet. However, trying to play daily to get it back up before the WDI.
Staying in Italian Villa with fellow Wops and “good-looking toots,” a big plus – could be front runner for best looking Italian/Sicilian on WDI tour.
Duke of Sicily (6-1)
Coming back from 3-year hiatus. Trying to become “the Comeback WDI player of a decade” so he changed his moniker from the Duke of
Eric. Will be housed with fellow greaseball Italians in Italian Sicilian Villa. Is busy
learning Italian golf phrases like “Fucka you – you’re away.” “Nicea putt, ass-a-hole.” Could be a contender if he lays off the Chianti.
Mudman (7-1)
Finished in an embarrassing tie for 7th with Joe Babbo last year after guaranteeing victory in a pre-tournament party at the Mons Venus. Has
the game/weapons but fails to get the job done. Can you say “Whaatsa matta u?” Will reside in the Italian Sicilian Villa, though, and share emotional support, lots of Chianti, and lasagna with his greaseball roomies.
Lil Petey (8-1)
Finished 2nd at Bay Hill in ’08 after whining all friggin weekend, “the wine costs too much.” “The course is too hard.” “Dennis snores.” “I gotta play with Agliano every friggin day?” This could be his tournament if he doesn’t see
Bernie and Dennis all weekend which, as we all know, won’t happen ’cause he will be staying with them in the Mongrel Villa.
Snoot Doggy Dog (9-1)
Following last year’s DQ, a pissed but resilient Snoot Dog vowed to quit the drugs, booze, and prostitutes and get his game back: “What Dat Wa?” He then went out and lost to Fish by a point in Southern Hills and played well in Ireland until the last day (the drugs, booze, and Irish prostitutes returned). Living in the Germanic/Scottish Villa with a squad of Krauts devoid of drugs, booze and prostitutes should help Snoot rebound. Will be up at 4:30 a.m. doing German calisthenics.
Joe Babbo (10-1)
“No more Jessies for Joe Bob-” is his mantra. After tying for 7th in ’08, Joe Babbo started to catch fire, finishing 3rd in both Southern Hills and Ireland WDI’s. No longer a rookie but a fiery vet. Says ’09 is his year, but don’t call him “Bobby Jo” – he’ll stick a scalpel where the “the sun don’t shine.” Is bringing marinara, eggplants, and aged asiago cheese to Italian Villa to jump start his tournament. Longing to take daily olive oil baths with Kapalua (much to his chagrin).
Broneck (11-1)
Finished 6th at Bay Hills in ’08; a big disappointment for the retired American Captain. A single digit, retired golfer who plans to carve up the field this year. Says landing on Hudson River by US Air pilot “Sully” is no big deal. He did it twice: on the Amazon River (among thousands of pirana) and Polar icecap (of course, he parachuted prior to both landings). Has “ice” in his veins as he sets up over a 4-footer in the vomit range.
Newman (12-1)
Rookie WDI’er in ’08, played well in Ireland with new two-man betting format and won with Briggs even though his wheels almost fell off on day one at Carne. Played gamely nonetheless and tied for 5th with Wildman Wilde. Brings a lot of experience to the links as aging former athlete/movie star (co-starred in movie several years back “White Men Can’t Jump” (based on his true story). Wants to manipulate that into a surprise win in Orlando. One good thing for WDI’ers – his wheels are so bad that, if you fuck with him, he can’t chase you.
Denise “The Menace” (95-1)
Second WDI for “The Menace”- played poorly and finished 9th at Bay Hill in ’08. Blamed his poor showing on roomie – Lil Petey. Tried unsuccessfully to strangle him in his sleep or was it the other way around? Was banished appropriately from Italian Villa in ’09 for his ’08 play. Could be dark horse of the tournament if he uses his 7-iron for all his shots. However, his Italian pedigree is an issue.
The Neck/Blather Neck/Short Neck/Sore Neck (100-1)
Really has been a shell of a man since ’04 when he came in last in England, even Leebo and Marty passed him by. Trying to get over deep-seated emotional problems by seeing noted psychologist and first cousin, Adolf Von Nuechterlein. However, while he is playing better, he has adopted some historical delusions of grandeur, i.e., wants to invade Poland, France, Russian, etc. Also, in the running for comeback player of the decade but won’t win it. Even his peers (Joe and Mary Peers) have given up on the ’01 Neck. We’ll see what’s left in his tank.
So there you have it, boys and girls of all ages. Jimmy “The Geek” has handicapped the field for the first major of the year at Orange County/Reunion. Call now and ask for Bambi at 888-6969 and you can receive free “perks” as well as tickets to this standing-room only tournament. See you in Orlando.
Yours in golf,
Rick Reilly