BLUE TEAM PREVAILS IN TIGHT RYDER CUP WDI
JOHNNY ” 2 SHOTS” KLUZ ACES #6 RED
by Wick E Wiley, Sports Editor, ESPN
The crowds had long dispersed. Champagne bottles lay empty on the porch; on tables and chairs and were liberally scattered about the floor of Streamsong’s bright new million-dollar facility. The only sound was of the Blue Team’s blue and gold 8-star flag proudly flapping in the brisk mid-Florida breeze. Slowly, one by one, both Blue and Red Team players filed out of the clubhouse amid muted cheers, and into separate chartered buses for their short trip back home.
Tempers flared briefly when the Cuban Pygmy ( aka Chick Filet ) jumped onto the hood of the blue bus and working the crowd, started singing his favorite Cuban ‘victory’ songs. Chants of, ” Let’s kill the little bastard” and “String his ass up” were heard emanating from the vicinity of the Red team bus.
SS Police ( as in Streamsong ) moved in to quell the enlarging crowd ( with caddies, invited guests, media and players…….it had swelled to about 16 ) One of the SS Police, wearing shiny black boots and SS insignia on his lapel, walked up to a scared Chickmunk and barked at him, “ACHTUNG, YOUR PASSPORT PLEASE! The Chickmunk, perspiring heavily, stammered ” I don’t have one…all we were doing was playing golf and………..”SILENCE” blurted the SS Officer, dropping his monocle and stroking his short mustache, as if to say, ” Well I’ve found my plump meal for tonite.” Luckily for Chick, an exasperated Kevin Probst darted from the Clubhouse and restored order.
It was perhaps a disappointing ending to what had been called ” The Struggle at Streamsong………a thrilling 4-day WDI Ryder Cup Event.
The idea for a first-ever Ryder Cup format originated in the summer of 2012. With the backing of the PGA and the Euro Tour and a few shekels thrown about by rich businessman, the dream became a reality. Commissioner Kapalua, not only, decided to hold it at brand-new Streamsong, about an hour from Tampa, but he wanted to participate as a player as well. Unfortunately, due to his notoriey and expertise as a toonamint golfer, he was attacked and disabled in January of this year ( See my Jan. 31, 2013 article in EBONY magazine) by unknown assailants wearing blue masks with deer/antlers and left for dead. Undaunted, the Commish vowed to accompany the Red Team to the resort even if he couldn’t compete. When word got out that CAPIZZI WAS KAPUT….large volumes of betting in Vegas slid over to the Blue Team.
Players ( the Top 12 money earners and other good natured MOFOS on the WDI Tour ) were randomly selected by Team Captains Duke of Eric ( 3-time Tour Chump and a legend in his own mind) and Jake the Snake ( also a former 2-time Tour Chump ) and play began at Ben Crenshaw’s Red Course. While both the Red and Blue Courses are copycat versions of Bandon Dunes/Whistling Straits, the Red picked up Best New Course laurels for 2013 with the Blue Course following right up its behind.
DAY ONE started with a BANG………not ONLY did the BlueBoys backed by the Fish, Chickmunk, Jake and the Kluzster beat their counterparts ( Alan MacNulty aka as Snoot Junior and Stevie Sideberns won the only match for the Reds ) but Johnny “Two Shots” Kluz made WDI history, by holing out ON HIS SECOND TEE SHOT on the tough 68 yard par 3 6th.WHY YOU SAY AN ACE WHEN HE STRUCK 2 SHOTS??? Wellllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll, AFTER he struck his 1st shot from the Silver tees ( into a sand trap ), the other members of his four-some gently reminded him that he hit from the wrong fucking tees…asshole…….so he walked back 25 yards to the Black tee and nonchalantly knocked the next shot into the frickin hole!!!
“Take that you dickwads”, squealed Kluz as he ran up to retrieve his ball ( avoiding sporadic gun-fire as he ran ) Obviously, EVERYONE had a word to say, yay or nay about the ace. NO, you lose the hole to well, the other guys in his 4-some didn’t object….. But after Kluz yelled out that he’d pay for dinner, drinks and wine that evening; funny how all the arguing stopped and the players stared to cheer his hole-in-two……..then ALL the players, inc. Kapalua, went to the local VOMITORIUM to purge their stomachs and colons in eager anticipation of a great feast. The meal that evening at 59 Steakhouse in downtown Wimauma, lived up to its reputation of a King Henry feast, only without the ‘jesters.’ Oh, sorry….Chick was there. The bill was outrageous…………..$1500.
“Hell, if I had known, ” said a disgusted Kluz, ” that these fuckers would eat like condemned men, I would have only offered them a frickin Bud-lite.”
TOURNAMENT TOTALS DAY ONE (ONE POINT PER HOLE)
BLUE 30 RED 24
DAY TWO, on the Blue Course, proved to be a minor comeback for the Red Team for a couple resaons: First, Kapalua, in his best Seve Ballesteros imitation, raced between all 3 groups in his private golf cart yelling, ” Arriba, arriba….Cogno, cogno, muchachos to his Red amigos and Tu Madre Es Puta and other nice Spanish sayings to the Blueboys. To his credit, the Red team rallied.
Secondly, JoeBob, playing like a man possessed and Alan ( Snoot Junior ) won their match handily over a distraught Chick Filet and Boynie ( 11-7), as did Duke and Neck, in the marque match-up of the day, over an aging Snoot and Jake (91/2- 81/2). Kluz stayed hot and paired with the large gilled Tilapia, they narrowly beat off( much to their delight ) Broneck and Stevie Sideberns ( 91/2-81/2) who had filled in on Day 1 and 2 for the injured Kapalua.
TOURNAMENT TOTALS DAY TWO————-BLUE 55 RED 53
DAY 3, or moving day, was appropriate as the Duke and Chick ( not roomies ) were forced to move from their respective rooms for a 3rd time, due to a scheduling snafu. ( There are ONLY 10 rooms available above the pro shop ) And Saturday was the alternate shot format. It enabled the Blue Team to sweep all 3 matches: Snoot/Chick eked out a close win over JoeBabbo and Lee “The Flea” Kirkman ( 91/2-81/2 ) Kap’s able replacement for Day 3 and 4; Capt. Jake and Tuna Man walloped Neck and Snoot Junior ( 10 1/2-71/2 ); while Two-Shots and Boynie edged a red-assed Duke and Broneck ( 91/2-81/2 )
TOURNAMENT TOTALS DAY THREE——–BLUE 84 RED 78
That night, at the Player-Wife-Mistress dinner—Oh, wait, there were no women present…………after tasty 40 oz bone-in rib-eyes, tuna carpaccio, lobster bisque and 8 bottles of Cab, the braggadaccio started anew. So much B. S. was spewed out and so much wine was quaffed that for the 3rd straight night, everyone forgot about the midnight putting contest.
Hell, everyone was in bed with lites out at 10:45.What a Wild Bunch! But not before Duke and Jake chose their players for Singles Sunday—–wow, son vs. father; pal vs. pal and dickwad vs deuchebag.
DAY 4 ( Sunday ) Believe it or not, ( just like on TV with real Ryder Cup matches ) the unexpected happened. The RED TEAM stormed back and ACTUALLY went ahead ( GASP ) after the first 4 matches, after being behind all week. Thoughts went back to Saturday nite, when a drunk as a skunk Duke, sat before the ESPN press and gave his best Crenshaw ” I got a feeling” Brookline speech………Duke went out and slammed Boynie (11-7); Alan gave his Snootpa a good ass-whippin ( 12 1/2- 5 1/2) and Neck and Fishman tied ( 9-9 ) The score after the first 4 singles was an astounding 118 Red…116 Blue.
However, their lead was short-lived as the Midget Man ( Chick Filet) edged a testy “Flea” ( 10-8 ) to tie the Cup up at 118 apiece with one match to play: Joebabbo vs. the Red Hot 2 Shots. And the fans were going crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Shouts of Red Team Sucks! Blue Team Sucks! Joebob sucks! Kluz sucks ! The beer sucks! The sandwiches suck! were heard rising from the fired-up crowd. It reminded everyone of being at a New York City athletic event…..be it hockey, football, baseball etc.
Scores of tasty pre-teen toots were throwing t-backs….bras…phone numbers….and small infants at the last 2 men standing. Joebob, being the professional pediatrician that he was, quickly gave cursive Exams to the small kids as they were popping over the crowd at an alarming rate, which not only, held up play but probably contributed to Joebob’s demise. With his mind totally on the kids, Kluz put his gameface on ( not really attractive ) and hammered the Italian Scallion 12 1/2 to 5 1/2 and cemented the BLUE TEAM’S victory overall at 139 1/2 to 13 1/2.
FINAL THOUGHTS……HIGHLIGHTS ……..AND QUESTIONS
Will the McNulty Clan ever be the same? Will Alan’s thumping of the venerable Snootdog place him in jeopardy of being left out of Snoot’s will ?
Why was the Red Team tested for deer/antler spray and the Blue team wasn’t?
Why were Kluz and the rest of the Blue Team eating venison nightly and watching “BAMBI” during the nightly Blue Team’s meeting?
While Red Team members used the bathroom facilities at SS….why did ALL the Blue Team members potty in the woods?
Will Wick E Wiley finally win his Pulitzer Prize for his entreaties on the famed WDI tour?
The foul smell emerging from the players man-cave on the 2d floor of the Clubhouse wasn’t a dead body or a badly beaten Kevin Probst after all…….but the remnants of the 75 lb. ham carcass and assorted condiments left in the corner behind a couch by Boynie and his pals!!! WHEW!!!!
The superb play by Johnny 2-Shots. After receiving his MVS Award ( Most Valuable Sandbagger ), he broke down, sobbed and then said, ” I’d like to thank my folks back in Prague; my swing coach Gil Gonsalves and most of all MY BACK, for putting up with my 47 rounds of golf for the past 2 weeks. That enabled me to raise my handicap from an 8 to a 14.” His back did not comment!!!!!
LASTLY…… FINAL THOUGHTS
Brent Nerdberger……….It was a DANDY.
Jim Nantz………….It was a match for the ages.
Lanny Wadkins……Is that the same suck-ass Snootdog, I kicked the shit out of in teen golf in the 50s?
Sir Nick Foldo…………..I think I could have done a better job of Captaining, with me eyes closed, instead of that big, tall drink of water, fake-ass nobleman…..the Duke of Eric.
Tom Watson…………….I didn’t pick up one ounce of strategy that I could use in Europe next year! They call that shit golf?
Doug Lacrosse………..Hell, I know Cindy could whip the whole lot of them!
Jake/Alan’s wives…….Yo asses better not be comin’ back and playin’ any mo golf for a longggg time MOFOs! ( Are their wives African-American? )
Seve( in heaven ) ……Cogno su madre!!!!!!!
Well there you have it sports fans, derelicts and perverts everywhere. A short synopsis of the saga of the 1st WDI Ryder Cup. Let’s hope this brilliant piece ( no not the bartendress ) of journalism garners me my first Pulitzer Prize………..because I DESERVE IT !!!!!!!!
Golfingly yours,
WICK E. WILEY
INDIVIDUAL SCORES
BLUE TEAM RED TEAM
Chick 3-1 Alan 3-1
Jake 3-1 Duke 2-2
Fish 3-0-1 Neck 1-2-1
Kluz 4-0 Joebob 1-3
Snoot 1-3 Broneck 0-4
Boynie 1-3 SteveO 1-1; Lee Kirkman 0-2
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