The WDI boys summed up this tournament quite historically——–it felt like Napolean’s march into Russia in 1812 OR Hitler’s blitzkrieg into Stalingrad in 1940. REASON? Well, within a 24 hour period, Mother Nature did a number on the 47th WDI Tourney in Orlando, like it did on the French and Germans back in the day. From short-sleeved and shorts on a sun-kissed 85 degree Friday to a 33 degree frozen/frigid Sunday, the cold weather caught the WDI lads uncharacteristically unprepared and unhappy.
Gazing out of Room 303 at comfortable and plush Bay Hill, all Snooter could see was glistening white snow and a group of downhill skiers strolling past his window. ” Good Lord Chick,” exclaimed Snoot, ” I didn’t bring my skiboots or skis with me on this trip.” To which Chick Filet, his roommate replied quite sardonically, “Are you fucking nuts, dingola brain……we’re not in Aspen Dorothy—-we’re in Orlando, Fla.”
But for Johnny “The Crazed Czech” Kluzek, it couldn’t have come at a more opportune moment. His motto for the week…..SEIZE THE DAY—-SEIZE THE SNATCH worked out to fruition. Secretly planning this move, ever since he lost the lead and ultimately the tournament on the 18th hole at Old Overton in Alabama last year; his plan was bold and imaginative!
First, he had to make the schmoos believe ( and they would ), he “accidentally” left his clothes/warddrobe back in Tampa——so he would have to drive back and “SHACK UP” with the beautiful Becky Beaver.( in order to reduce stress and sperm count ) and play more betterer. And he did @ Bonefish Restaurant—-he got ( her ) fish AND she got ( his ) bone!!!!!
After all, he had shot a blistering 1st round score of 96 at Grand Cypress and was tied for LAST place. He had to do something quick because…………….JoeBabbo, the Italian Scallion, had leapt like a bobcat, out of the gates at Grand Cypress for the first 2 rounds, shooting 87–83 to lead the Tournament by 7 shots at +9 over a fast-closing trio that included good-looking, sweet swinging PR Hawaiian Kapalua at +2, Two-time winner Jake the Snake at +1 and Rookie of the Year candidate, the ageless Chick Filet ( Hold the Mayo ) at -1. Everyone else sucked hind tit ( and this from a field of 12 players )
While everybody felt fatigued, listless, hungover, gassy, horny and irritable…..plans to go to the Orlando Playboy Club fizzled out due to the fact that ALL these old farts were fast asleep at 9:45 pm AND the fact that the Playboy Club had been closed since 1985. All were sleeping except, the Cheating Czech. He had climbed out of his window, drove to Tampa again and partied with the tasty Miss Beaver. And he got back to Orlando in time for the late morning tee-time……….
Back to the Tourney…….Fish, was out of water and flopping around with large, glassy eyes; Neck, recovering from too many ‘nice’ martinis at Il Mulino and Vines Grille, had his mind on work matters, lost interest and fell from grace; Snootdog’s hearing in his right ear was gone, probably due due to roommate Chick Filet’s ( aka Chick Sansone ) incessant and non-sensical chatter over the past 2 days; Sam the Sham was just LOST without his Pharoahs ( more trouble in Cairo necessitated their departure ); Boynie’s gyro fell out of his ass, broke and had to be repaired, causing irreparable delay and the 3-1 favorite, The Duke of Dubai, had just gotten off a 7-hour Skpe phone call from his Russian princess, looking like a deer in the headlights. ( WHAT IS THIS WDI THAT YOU SPEAK OF ? ) He needed a sharp razor or a large bottle of Russian imported Vodka, which he quickly found.
Day 3 at formidable Bay Hill was just that……but add to to it, 20-25mph winds and a much cooler temp. The Nor’easter was coming and the boys were KLULESS; except for the calcuating KLUZSTER who had befriended a gorgeous Weather Channel toot, who was sending him hourly weather reports. ( How did he get all this extra time?) He KNEW what was coming. Sooo, he played tough Bay Hill like a Pro ( well almost like an old washed up caddie ) He said, ” I know Bay Hill like the back of my PENIS, so I picked my landing spots, made the putts and VOILA!!!!!
Alas, the tough course and blustery winds on Saturday ( moving day) took its toll on the leaders……..Joebob fell apart like a Sports coat, 2 suits and a dozen shirts from the Men’s Warehouse, shooting 98 and fell 11 strokes down to -2. SteveO, Fish and the Shamster ALL hit the century mark—106, 103 and 103;Snooter and Boynie shot in the high 90s; Duke and The Snake in the mid-80s.
But, Kapalua, the good-looking, sweet-swinging PR Hawaiian, showed his grittiness and veteran savvy, by shooting 89 and managed to come in at -4, 2 behind roomie Joebob. Chickamauga also steadied his play with an 85 and was 3rd ( in the clubhouse ) at -5. ( one behind his idol and Cuban baseball trip roomie Kapalua ) The Snake managed to crawl in at -6 and Boynie ( his gyro had been fixed ) at -7. It would be a tight, taut, tintillating finish going into the FINAL round on Sunday with high expectations and an exciting conclusion.
Except STROIKA KEVKO ( loosely translated as SHIT ) HAPPENEND!!!! Yeah, that Clever Czech Kluz, who was the recipient of a pre-game BJ by the dazzling Miss Beaver ( or maybe the weather girl ) had other ideas. Says his roomie The Neck, ” I thought I heard the faint sound of a young women’s voice and then gurgling, emanting from the bathroom; but when I looked over to Kluz’s bed, I thought I saw the big gimmokes outline.” But the Crafty Czech Kluz, taking something out of an old Clint Eastwood movie, “Escape From Alcatraz” was laughing inwardly and outwardly at the dishevled Neck as he got his tubes cleaned for the 3rd time in as many nights……..and proved to be Strong Like Bull and ‘spermfree’.
You see, the Chiseling Czech then shot 87 and finished the 3rd round…. 1 shot AHEAD of Joebob with one round to play. HE HAD COME BACK FROM LAST PLACE TO FIRST IN 3 ROUNDS!! It was ANYBODY’S trophy to take home on Sunday with 7 players within 6 shots of the lead. Anything could happen…..we all know what happened in Alabama lastyear……who would get hot…would not. What a finish…… But it was not to be…………
Because of the inclement weather and the fact that NOONE brought long pants or long sleeves, The Executive Committee met simultaneously with The Expulsion Committee in Super Secret Emergency Session and declared: 1) That the Chickster had enough votes to rescue him from expulsion ( the vote was 1-0 ( his ) and 11 abstentions ) and 2) The 47th WDI Tourney would be shortened to 54 holes. That meant the Aluminum cup would go to the Corrupt Czech Kluz. Oh, and they issued one more caveat….DONT DO IT DUKE……DON”T GO TO DUBAI. ( he went anyway )
His eyes moist with emotion, his voice trembling and trying like hell, to be as humble as he could, the Crooked Czech accepted the trophy from Commissioner Kapalua turned to the pissed-off unruly crowd,,,cameras and ESPN commentators, pointed to his fellow WDIers and yelled….” CZECHMATE MOFOS!!!!!!!!
Congrats to the 2012 Orlando Champ—-the Kluzster************ ( w/asteriks )
Yours in Sports,
Wick E. Wiley
SCORES GR CYPRESS BAY HILL
1. KLUZ———–96——–84———–87
2. JOEBOB——87——–83———–98
3.KAPALUA—–87——–81———–89
4. CHICK———81———80———–85
5. JAKE———–78———77———-85
6. BOYNIE——-93———90———-97
7. NECK———-88———90———–89
8. DUKE———-79———75———–86
9. SNOOT——–86———82———–95
10. STEVEO—-85———91———-106
11. FISH———-98———88———-103
12. SAM———-99———99———-103
TWO-MAN TEAM
KLUZ/CHICK———- -6
DUKE/BOYNIE—— -19
JOEBOB/SNOOT—- -21
KAPALUA/FISH—— -26
JAKE/STEVEO—— -28
DUKE/SAM———– -39