BERNIE HAS EPIC UPSET WIN; KAP IS ALMOST GATOR BAIT
AS WDI INNISBROOK CONCLUDES AN EXCITING TOONAMINT
BY: Wick E. Wiley, ESPN Sports Editor

Freddies Reptile and Pet Shop in Miami Beach received a strange phone call on Sunday night, January 8, around 10 pm. It went directly into voicemail, but when Freddie, a paunchy short, homely, balding Cuban, who had a tendency to piss people off and was a bit sarcastic to customers, recovered the taped call…..chills went down his back!
The voice on the other end of the call was very familiar….he had done business with the gentleman before, was paid rather well, but at moments, he seemed to scare Freddie out of his mind. This was no gentleman! “LOOK DUDE, I NEED A LIVE MAN-EATING GATOR, WHO IS NOT AFRAID OF EATING A FORMER GATOR, SO TO SPEAK, RIGHT NOW. SHIP THE REPTILE TO INNISBROOK..ISLAND COURSE …HOLE 18! IF YOU DON’T COMPLY, YOU’RE ASS WILL BE GATOR BAIT!
Who found all this shit out? Top notch, crack InvestiGATOR, Little Stevie Bolter, a former WDI Chump who had semi-retired and moved to a 78 floor condominium in Miami Beach, after suffering through 3 devastating hurricane hits in as many years. No longer the sexy, sweet talkin’ PI that he once was, and a shell of a man at age 74, he still had a little moxy left in his deteriorating body and could follow/trail a stiff through a hurricane, for what it’s worth.
PI Bolter had been hired by the Sweet swinging, good-looking Puerto Rican Hawaiian, Kapalua due to a “mishap’ at Innisbrook, the day before. It seems that Kapalua, who had shot 80 at the tough, Copperhead Course on DAY ONE at the WDI tourney, and was comfortably in 2nd place at +3, one stroke behind newcomer Coach Myers, a boyhood chum of Cheese Goldman and of questionable ancestry, and 3 stokes ahead of Journeyman Bernardo, was involved in a serious mishap on the beautiful 18th hole at the Island Course.
Sensing his record 9th WDI victory over a field of puds, inc the newcomer Coach, Kap was viciously attacked by a 25 foot Gator on the banks of the Withlacoochee ( actually a small pond in front of 18 green) Thanks to a sturdy Ping Wedge, Kap attempted to ‘beat off’ the reptile( much to the Gators’ delight) and struck him/her at least 4 times, which loosened his grip on Kap’s right knee. He then, after being attended by personnel from the medical staff at the Course, courageously stuck the next and last shot of the tourney to within 10 feet of the pin. He barely missed the bird, but made par. As he happily limped off 18 with what he thought was a fabulous par and a skin, his playing MOFOS, Snoot, Bernardo and Broneck, yelled out…”That’s not a par, Kap, but an 8., you dickwad. You took 4 swings at the reptile.” While the lads guffawed, Kap steamed.
Meanwhile, the Toonamint was officially over and at the Scorer’s tent amidst many onlookers, inc. a band of young waitresses, wearing tight-fitting golf apparel and leopard skinned T-backs…. Scorer official Cheese/Goldy announced to the standing room only crowd that Bernardo Stein was the Champ of the 54th WDI!!! WTF…..can you say railroaded! Hijacked!!
Bernardo had shot 90-89 and with a ‘ cap ‘ of 19 and playin from the Chartreuse tees….had finished with a scire of +2 and finished 3 strokes ahead of Kap and Kluz at -1. COACH, the 1st round leader on Copperhead at +4 fell apart like a cheap suit at The Men’s Warehouse and stumbled home in 7th place. BRONECK, who just turned 98, had a ‘terrific’ tourney shooting 87-93 and finished 5th. SNOOT DOGGY DOG, past WDI Champ and former high-school phenom, until he lost to Eddie Pearce and several 70 year old amateur golfers at age 16, was trying to stage a comeback. All he staged was a setback.
Kluzie, a 3-1 odds fav to win the toonamint, was hampered by driving home each nite and arriving early in the mornings. Even his bloated handicap was not enough to overcome Bernie, with scores of 88-90. It took a great deal of planning by Kapalua to get his sister to come visit the weekend of the toonamint! Ha! Joseyman, still smarting from the IRISH WDI in July of 2022, couldn’t get going, even with moving up to the Mauve tees on Monday.
Goldy/Cheese/Andy….does this dude have any more names, played OK on Sunday, but lit it up on Monday shooting 87 and moved up to place 4th. That left Bernie Stein, a 19 capper, sometimes; who has had problems “rocking the baby”….and pretending to be shankapotomas in the past. Playing with Kap, Coach and Andy on Sunday…and watching every move by the Good lookin PR, he managed a cool 90….good enough to place 4th at 0. All he needed was a great round on Monday……but in the past, those rounds never came……….. UNTIL, he called Fred’s Reptile and Pet Store!

Yours in golf,
Wick E Wiley ( btw don’t forget the SNOOT on March 31-April 1)

Scores:
1. Bernardo +2 90-89
T2. Kapalua -1 80-87
T2 Kluz -1 88-90
4. Goldy -3 91-87
5. Broneck -5 87-93
6. Snoot -7 88-90
7. Coach -9 82-97
8. Josyman -17 97-102