THE 10TH SNOOT INVITATIONAL….TPC SAWGRASS 2017
by Wick E. Wiley, ESPN Sports Editor

Hello, boys and girls and perverts everywhere………This reporter was invited to my first SNOOT last week at beautiful TPC Sawgrass and thoroughly enjoyed the father-son toonamint. However, 3 things happened there before the toonamint, that really opened my eyes….1… In an astonishing move at dinner at Nona Blue on Thursday nite in Ponte Vedra, Joe Price Jr. said Chick Garcia was his father, which was immediately rejected by the Cuban Pygmy , but ratified by Joe Price who asked Chick to refund Joe Jr.s tuition from grade school, high school and college. Sweat immediately broke out on Chick’s forehead. 2…. Blood tests on Tony Martino confirmed that yes, his son Nino ( who is 5’4″) also could be the son of Fred ( Chick) Garcia ( who is also 5’4″ ) Tony is 6’3″…. WTF…. ( someone messed with the Martino gene pool)……….Yo Tony also asked for his money back.. 3…. Lastly, the owner of Nona Blue, PGA golfer/great, Graeme McDowell also stated that back in the 50’s, his Mum, who is from N. Ireland, dated a short, dashing, boring and full-of-himself U.S. Air Force pilot in London for 2 nites. Shortly thereafter, he was born. He said his real name is Fred…Fred McDowell. He loves flying, playing golf and Cuban cigars. Hmmmmmmm. Graeme didn’t ask for any money, but chased Chick from the restaurant with a 5-iron!!!!!! ( Chick is faster than you think he is.)
And that was the first nite!! 33 players ( some great golfers….some not so great golfers and some really shitty golfers) teed it up on Friday at the Weed Valley Course, which is a great track with fast greens and lots of water. The only downer was seeing the picture of the Weedman on every hole marker. Talk about vanity!! Missing were Jake the Snake and Ryan Cappy, who had prior commitments.
That nite in the TPC Clubhouse, the lads were treated to a sumptuous dinner and open bar, followed by a guided tour of the “inner” clubhouse where the pros relax, shower, dress, gossip and imbibe heavily. Word has it, although unconfirmed, that Chick Garcia was seen smelling the bench, in front of Tiger’s locker. In fact, I was told by sources close to him, that he spent the nite in el Tigre’s locker, coiled up like a embryo baby! A thorough search of Chick’s car, the next morning, did turn up 15 girl’s bicycle seats. Pervert!!!
So as dawn dawned on Saturday, Feb 11…….excitement reached fever pitch. 18 holes on TPC Stadium, with cash money for anyone who birdied 17 ( split by the Weedman and Choirboy) and a return to the infamous, outdoor, rustic, romantic Weed Fishcamp, where the contestants would be treated to smoked salmon and oysters, shrimp and grits, and tasty tenderloin…washed down by just about anything you wanted. And when dinner was finished…there was the 10th Rendition of Two Lies and One Truth, although one wonders whether the lads didn’t hear the rules correctly, were drunk or maybe just plain fucked up in the head. Some told 3 truths…some 3 lies…some just told everyone about their vacation. But, we laughed and had a blast!
And now, here were the contestants for the 10th SNOOT……….Rookie of the Snoot…Ricky Billy Bobby Butler from Baltimore, by way of the Blue Ridge Mountains, much to the chagrin of his younger Bro, the “Cutter”….Jovial Judd Hobgood, who was asleep by 9:30 as he watched 2 Lies and 1 Truth…..Joe Price and adopted son Junior ( Joe USED to be the emcee, until he was upstaged by the Outlaw Joseyman)…….K Elder….we still don’t know what the hell happened in Mexico!!!!!!….Bill” Choirboy” Ulbricht…..yo Tony Martino and stepson Nino…..the Outlaw Joseypeople ( Bill and Matt )…Snoot nephew Bill Mac ( I can hook it or shank it….u call it ) Alan and Brian Mac who played like the poster child for Ray-Ray golf ( one hole u played like Ray Floyd and the next like Ray Charles )……WDI vets like the large Pescado, Boynie and kid-in-law Goldilocks…..tiny Larry Weichtt, who provided much-needed transportation to the Weed Camp.
More WDI vets like Johnny 2-shots Kluz ( he made a hole-in-two in one of our tourneys)….the good-looking, sweet swinging Puerto Rican Hawaiian Kapafrickinglua…and sons Ryan and Joey ” I need a frickin job” Cappy…..Joe ” Don’t let me into the hen house” Fox…..Joebob and Robbob Pesce ( this little prick has won every 1st place bet so far )…Jake the Snake Nellis….Snoot friend Paul Courter from St Louie, who doesn’t swear, drink or tell lies….newcomers Eric Biffenbargererandereranders and Richard Humphrey…the other small guy besides Weicht…Jamie Poole….and of course THE FRICKIN SNOOT AND WEEDMAN.
When all was said and done( and a lot was said), it was another fabulous success…voted the Best Snoot of the 10 we’ve had……a lot of golf…cigars…fine food..plenty of booze and lots of laughter. New acquaintenances were made….old friendships renewed…..and the Father-Son, Stepson..Son-in-law bonding was awesome!!! See you next year……………………………………………

Yours in golf,
Wick E. Wiley