REBELS REJOICE AS GREY DEFEATS BLUE IN HISTORIC 2015 WDI RYDER CUP
( Post-tourney tragedy averted by Jake “The Snake” Nellis)
by Wick E. Wiley ESPN Sports Editor
BRUTE FORCE, a giant of a man ( and Schwarznegger look-alike) dressed in silky black ninja garb ( with a cute white trim ), lay prone on the roof of the Carolina Hotel, wrapped around his AK-12 Special Forces Rifle, which had attached a Leica infrared laser power scope and fitted with a 16 inch barrel which fires a 5.56 x 45mm round from a 30 round magazine. He planned to use every bit of the 30 round magazine……..on the MOFOS called the GREY team, who were celebrating their Ryder Cup ‘come from behind win’ that Sunday afternoon.
While he was planning to do serious damage to the GREY team, he especially was looking forward to watermeloning the large head of that smart-ass, short, squatty, homely golfer called–the Cuban Pygmy, a la Gallagher style!
From his vantage point, this AMERICAN SNIPER, could see the fat-faced WDI Treasurer Joebabbo, hugging the crying, crazed Czech…Kluz…glimpsed famed radiologist and 2-time WDI Champ Boynie, gloating at his son-in-law Andy saying, ” I told you so, Cheeseball.” He could barely make out the smiling Sniders with all those Snide remarks, especially when you were putting……could faintly see Snoot Doggy Dog, reveling in the glory of winning as he pointed his fingers at his sons and exclaimed “WA DA BE.” He also spied the “Choirboy”, so saintly, but so devilish sipping on a Red Bull w/Vodka. But most of all, he wanted a clean shot at the plump Chickster, who at this moment was chugging down a cold bottle of “Evian”, while sneaking several silver Pinehurst salt and pepper shakers into his pocket….WTF!!!! What a partygoer! Everyone else was dousing each other in Dom or Cristal……..
Before the carnage begins, however, let’s go back to DAY ONE. The Blue Team, led by Jake ” the Snake” Nellis, cult-hero to many pre-teen girls ( and boys ) Snoot Doggy Dog Junior, the Chicago Fitzs’, legends in their own minds, 3-time Champ Fish ( or cut bait ), Denny ” Grandpa” Marcotte, the oldest and most experienced WDIer at 93, Andy” Cheesehead” Goldman who often smells pretty ‘cheesy’ by 4pm daily and Brent Strength, alter ego of BRUTE FORCE were predicted by Jimmy the Geek to ‘handily” win the 40th WDI Ryder Cup.
They had recently bashed their counterparts in 2013 at the ” Battle in Seattle” and were betting favorites to ‘repeat.’ BUT, something called “THE BIG GREY MACHINE” all decked out in their Rebel Confederate matching shirts and pants, much to the dismay of the wait staff, weren’t about to ‘fall’ apart again.
Speaking of ‘falling’, Commissioner Kapalua, who was penciled in to play for the GREY, apparently had suffered a back injury of undetermined etiology, but was present anyway…… suddenly pulled the Clyborn Stumble on Day One. Named for Hall of Famer Snooter, after his ‘nosedive tumble’ into Clyborn Ave. in Chicago at the 2014 WDI, Commish Kapalua was all about emulating his buds past heroics. Doing a triple axle salchow with a 1.4 difficulty, Kap tripped, slipped and traipsed at the Bobby Weed Villa on Day One. ( The panel gave him a 9.5 )
Holding his Cuban Cohiba above his head, to save it, he somersaulted down a flight of 10 stairs, but miraculously emerged unscathed, save for a bruised ego, was helped up by the pals and yelled ” Let the games begin!” Looks like the alcohol kicked in at the right time!
But, alas, the games had already begun that day. The BLUE team, led by the Chicago Fitzs’ halving their match against the favored Sniders, ran away with a 2 1/2 to 1 1/2 lead. After a sumptuous dinner at the 1895 Grille and after many gin and tonics, scothes’ no water’ and 4 cases of Bud-Lite, the boys had mellowed out.
DAY 2 at famed #2, host of many Men’s and Women’s US Opens, Ryder Cups, and US Amateurs, found the BLUE team enlarging their lead, due to spotty play, bad gas and poor sportsmanship from the GREY team. The BLUE lead 5-3 going into DAY 3 at #8.
At breakfast in the Carolina Room on DAY 3, a rested but drugged up Commish gave an impassioned talk to the contestants, but quietly told the GREY team of an impending visit that night in the Locker Room by famed author, Jim Dodson ( Final Rounds…American Triamvirate, Dewsweepers, etc. )
Whether it was the projected visit by Dodson that evening that fired up the boys or Wild Bill Ulbricht’s ploy of giving out FREE ONE NITE STAYS ( and 50% discount on MRIs ) at St Anthony”s Hospital, which he oversees, to the large unruly crowd of oh, 30-35….The crowd got fired up……. which fired up the GREY team. They surged from their deficit to tie the match up at 6-6!
Later that evening at the Bobby Weed Villa, noted author Jim Dodson and lovely wife Wendy , as well as BLUE and GREY golfers, were served tasty hors-d’oeuvres of oysters…crabcakes…ribeyes…Caesar salad…Cabernet Sauvignon and cocktails and over saw the 2 truths and 1 lie ceremony. Dodson later deadpanned..”The WDI is really a group that I need to belong to.”
On Sunday morning, with overcast skies and soaring heat, the WDIers vowed to break the tie and seal the deal. The large crowd followed their play at #7 and saw it was going to be a GREY day after all. They won 3 out of 4 matches and closed out the BLUE MOFOS 9-7. Now back to the shooting………
Actually, the shooting never materialized. BRUTE FORCE”S pal and golfing partner, the Jakester, had crawled up to within 10 feet of the FORCE and holding a cold Bud-Lite, forced him to re-consider. Tearfully, FORCE did, but promised to re-surface in a movie theater…post office or maybe a Snoot( a Father-Son tourney) down the road. FORCE then dialed his benefactor, the DUKE OF ERIC and voided the contract. “You can take care of that Cuban Pygmy yourself” he blurted out and headed back to the OTHER loveliest plains in the South…Auburn, Ala.
Over at the Weed Villa, the scene was dramatic with the media surging to ask questions of the winners….autographs being signed….champagne pouring episodes……group victory hugs……Rebel flags waving. And off to the side, there was Fitz, sitting on a bench, sipping his 25th rum and coke, talking to no one in particular, but overheard saying……”Have I told youse guys the story of my Uncle Dom….Frank Nitti and Dr. Chesrow falling down the …………………….
Yours in golf,
Wick E. Wiley
GREY TEAM
Chick 88..93..86..86
Snoot 89..84..88..88
Boynie 90..94..91..91
Choirboy 101..103..97..89
Joebob 93..89..89..95
Kluz 85..94..92..90
Steve S. 86..90..89..79
Ron S. 85..87..82..89
BLUE TEAM
Alan 86..92..92..85
Denny 96..84..95..94
Brent 85..88..92..94
Jake 84..77..77..86
Fish 94..91..89..95
Fitz 85..90..91..87
Son of a Fitz 91..99..97..89
Andy 91..94..96..98