THE FISH REPEATS PREZ KAP RULES AND LEGEND OF NUTSY FAGAN

By RICK REILLY, SENIOR SPORTS EDITOR – It was a cold, windy day in Oklahoma, and it took all you could to keep the ball in play at venerable Southern Hills, the sight of the 25th WDI Tournament. Small crowds of WOl groupies, ex-pilots and drunk Hooter girls cheered and jeered as the WDI’crs plunked, chunked and plodded down the famed Southern Hills course.
After day one, everyone’s favorite and four-time champion, Kapalua, and Fish and/or Cut-Bait had eked out a narrow one-shot lead over the second-place plodders, E3roneck and Joe Bob. Rocket Rosen and Snooter had played to the middle of the pack while comeback hopeful Bolt, the aging “broken” Neck and flash-in-the-pan Boynie brought up the rear. Meanwhile in the Oklahoma division 1K had parlayed a +5 day to a one-shot lead over Prez Kap and 7 over Ramdog.
That evening at a tasty barbecue dinner at Prez Kap’s sprawling Southern Hills ranch-style house with drinks-a- flowing and barbs¬a-throwing, the WD1 boys elated, from their first foray at Southern Hills, seemed rested and content. That was before the ghost of Nutsy Fagan reared his ugly head. A wingman extraordinaire, his past exploits seemed to embolden a tired, weary Little Clam Neck. Through thick cigar smoke and maybe one too many ouzo’s, the gauntlet was thrown out-play great golf the next day or eat shit and die. Fish was confident as he sat next to Blowfish, also known as Steve Melynk; Joe Bob kept knocking down ouzo’s at a record pace and Prez Kap’s cabinet of delicious Pyrat Rum took a beating. As the boys crawled back to their cars, the drunken Neck hollered back, to no
one in particular, “1 love you, Nutsy,” as he gazed at one of Prez Kap’s bronzed statues that surround the pool.

Day two was moving day, and it didn’t take long for Snoot Doggy Dog to fire a 79 (low round of the tournament) and take a one-shot lead over the soon-to-be disqualified Rocket Rosen, who was banished from the tournament for one too many limericks. Fish and Joe Bob lurked one shot back while Kapalua and Broneck limped in three shots behind, Prez Kap buoyed by his famous bean dish the night before, used its wind to his benefit to shoot a gassy +4 and take a commanding lead over fellow Oklahoma competitors by 7 shots.
Day three loomed eerily. Disciplined by Southern Hills Pro Dave Bryan for all around shitty play, the presence of countless tornados and the threat of Prez Kap’s impeachment by the Southern Hills Board of Directors – the WDI was forced to play its last round at the Golf Club of Oklahoma – Prez Kap’s other proving ground, so to speak. Prez Kap’s team, once again, prevailed due to his +14 day, and he easily raced to a +21 overall and first place finish in the Oklahoma Division (1K and Ramdog, his former friends, left the course early, pissed). Kapalua, Broneck and Joe Bob all had their chances on the Fazio-designed course but fell back. Especially Joe Bob, who could have been a contender until he triple bogeyed no. 18. Bladder Neck thought it was Sunday and played great golf (+4) (muttering throughout his round, “This shot’s for you, Nutsy.”), while Broneck staggered and flamed out and Boynie, yesterday’s hero, (and Kapalua look alike) went further in the tank. As for comeback hopeful, Bolt, he managed to upright his ship to shoot the low score of the day (8 1 ) to finish tied for 4th overall with his roomie, Kapalua, much to the disappointment of the
Tulsa Cat House Girls who dotted the course with their short skirts, halter tops, and t-back, fur lined panties.
In the end, without the benefit of any Jessie’s, Snoot Dog faltered and fell a shot short of the famed Sandicapper Fish (45). (He was a 9 just two months earlier,) Prez Kap, also known as the Corsican Pyrat, and playing without his famed golfing brother, Kapalua, but with his adopted brother, Short Neck, basked in the Oklahoma sun as he graciously accepted the aluminum Oklahoma WD1 trophy (which resembles a large penis attached to a bicycle seat). Tornado warnings notwithstanding, the Fish, also known as Maestro, had repeated. But could he 3-peat? Negative.
In the history of the WDl, only two puds had won consecutive tourneys, Bolt and Kapalua and did not 3-peat, but alas, the Fish will not and cannot vie for a 3-peat in Ireland in September of ’08 due to off-field agent disputes and family distractions. Nor will Broken Neck, his bro or past champ, Boynie be eligible for the Ireland Tourney because they ALL missed the cut. So who will be favored in Ireland of September of 108? Could it be the steely-eyed, smoldering, hot play of Snoot Doggy Dog (what dat waa) or Bolt, the Comeback Kid, once a Euro-Champ, maybe now a Euro-Chump or the surprising consistent play of Joe Bob or that sweet, swinging, good-looking, Puerto Rican, Hawaiian, Kapalua or one of the new rookies, Cabeza, Humpty, Babyface, or The Wildman. Or will it be the ghost of Nutsy Fagan?
Tune into ESPN 2 for the daily play-by-play action starting on September 1 4th by veteran ESPN anchors, Steve “Brofish” Melynk and everyone’s favorite Morrie.

See you in September,
Rick Reilly
Senior Editor, Sports IllustratedIESPN

Final Standings Florida Division:
1. Fish -7
2. Snoot -8
3. Joe Bob ‘.10
4. Tie Kapalua -12
Bolt -12
6. Neck -16
7. Broneck -17
8. Boynie -22
9. Rocket -6 WD/DQed

Oklahoma Division:
1. Prez Kap +21 (new WD1 record)
2. TK 0
3. Ramdog -4