THE BEAT DOWN @ GRAND CYPRESS
aka WDI MINI-RYDER CUP
( SHITASSES VS MOFOS )
DEC. 2-4, 2016
by Wick E. Wiley, ESPN Editor
The place was electric, but not eccentric! ESPN crews were busy placing TV monitors in strategic positions ( inc. missionary ) and QTSI ( Chick’s Security Company ) was providing roaming groups of muscular, black-jacketed security personnel, due to the hordes of onlookers and wannabes….and world renowned chefs were busily finalizing their preparations for the WDI Eyetalian Kick-Off Party at Kapalua’s casa on Bay to Bay in Tampa.
Celebrity chefs, Wolfgang Fu_ _, and Mario Lanza were cooking off against each other in 2 categories: raviolis and meat-a-balls AND sausage w/ peppers and onions. Magnums of tasty Silver Oak Cab and Cakebread Chardonnay ( Jimmy’s fav, cuz Jimmy likes that wiiine ) and an array of liquor was being poured extravagantly.
And, of course, this reporter along with my stinky pal, Jimmy the Geekster were preparing to “instantly stream’ the selection of the 2016 Mini-Ryder Cup teams to at least 20-40 fans out there in TV land. Gazing through the crowd to the 8 finalists for this toonamint, this reporter spied a pensive Joebob, biting his fingernails whilst eating tasty raviolis and sausage…….an anal-looking Cuban Pygmy, who was trying to decide whether to eat a plate of meat-a-balls or cram as many he could into his gay satchel….the large Pescado moving swimmingly through the crowd…..a pissed-off Johnny 2-shots Kluzek “sitting” due to a 2-month suspension by the Executive Board for allegedly hacking into the PC computer in order to increase his “cap”………and finally Commissioner Kapalua jeering at MOFO Captain Snoot Doggy Dog, who pointed back and shouted, ” I sure as hell aint picking your sorry Puerto Rican ass…so shut the hell up.” WA DA BE!!
Then it was ‘pickin’ time……the coin flip by Johnny 2-shots and Snoot wins, swirls around and picks a wide-eyed, surprised- looking Cuban Pygmy, who has tomato sauce all over his face, as his first choice. The crowd gasps, WTF! SHITASS Capt. Jakester, then chooses much to the delight of the standing room only crowd, the sweet-swinging, good-looking Puerto Rican, Hawaiian, Jorge Kapalua. And so it goes: MOFOs TEAM is comprised of Snoot, Joebob, Chickster and rookie, Outlaw Joseyman, whilst the SHITASSES are Jake, Kapalua, Fish and Boynie.
But, as the sports media, was calling this toonamint, “One to remember”, it could be easily be instead, One to forget” for many reasons. Here are 3:
- FORGETTING SANGWICHES…After several scantily dressed babes from Mons Venus, gave the contestants ‘piles’ of sausage and meataballs, along with buns ( not theirs ) for lunch the next day, 4 of the 8 golfers FORGOT their sangwiches, much to the delight of their spouses!
- FORGETTING SUITCASE… Jorge Kapalua, like the G-Man in Scotland this past August, didn’t have his suitcase for the ENTIRE weekend. But, instead of blaming the airlines, Kap blamed Marley and Tootsie for hiding it, behind the pool table and then devouring it along with it’s contents that afternoon.
- FORGETTING CAR KEYS….. On Sunday am, after the tourney, most of the golfers had left Grand Cypress in Orlando and were heading back home. Snoot turned to Kap, and their conversation went like this….Snoot, ” Do you know where my car keys are?” Kap ( trying to conceal laughter ) ” No, I don’t.”…. Snoot, ” Shit, they must be in my golf bag.” AND his golf bag was in Jake’s car……which at that moment was entering Tampa airspace! Kap quickly ran out the door to his car and left!
Anyway, back to the match. On DAY ONE, the talented SHITASS TEAM stormed out of the gates, at the NEW Course at Grand Cypress, clobbering the MOFO TEAM in a ‘ not really’ close 2-team match. That left DAY TWO as the deciding factor. SHITASS CAPT Jake selected the sweet-swinging, good-looking PR Hawaiian as his partner against the tough MOFO team of Joebob and the Cuban Pygmy. This was slated by ESPN, as the ‘highlighted’ match of the day/weekend!
Throngs of cute, curvaceous, Cuban chicks were trying to catch the eye of the Cuban Pygmy ( which wasn’t hard to do) and Joebob, but were ‘beaten off’, so to speak, by the QTSI black-jacketed security goons ( much to Chick’s chagrin ). In the other match, the 2 SHITASS DOCs, Boynie and Fish were trying to perform a lower lobotomy on Capt Snoot and Outlaw Joseyman. ( And they did)
After 9 holes, Jake and Kap held a narrow lead, when disaster almost struck. It seems that as the lads were stopping by the refreshment stand to grab a cool beverage, Kap was summoned back to his cart by the cart crack…..and then there was an explosion!!!!!! The sweet swinging..PR Hawaiian was on the ground, clutching his useless right arm.( his left arm somehow got tangled with the bra-strap of the cart crack????)
Sirens blared as police personnel arrived to sort out the confusion. Lo and behold, witnesses stated they saw a couple of those QTSI goons loitering around Kap’s cart, seconds before the explosion. Hmmmmmmmm. But, thanks to the SHITASS doctors, they were able to tape Kap’s arm behind his back, so he could continue play, one-handed and avoid a default.
Grimacing on every shot, Kap gamely played on ( after 2 days of wearing the same clothes, he WAS a little gamey ) and the crowd, ( aptly called Kap’s Kiddies) growing to at least, 12-14, cheered him on every shot, propelling him and Capt Jakester on to glorious victory over the 2 MOFOS. The close match turned into a runaway…SHITASSES -15, MOFOS -52, the biggest drubbing in WDI Ryder Cup history!
At the ceremonial dinner that night at Morton’s, amongst fans and well-wishers, the lads enjoyed tasty rib-eyes, shrimp and crab appetizers….all washed down by many bottles of delish Cab. But, there was one WDIer missing however,…..a short, diminuitive Cuban dude, owner of the same security company, that witnesses have linked to the cart crack bombing. Word has it, he may be on the lam and headed to Habana de Cuba, now that his Uncle Fidel has kicked the bucket. There reportedly has been placed a BOLO ( Be on the lookout ) alert for this dastardly dude. While he is not armed nor dangerous……….if you see him, lure him to the police by offering him free gifts, such as food, golf shirts and golf balls!
Yours in golf,
Wick E Wiley
SCORES
SHITASSES
Jake…79..79..-1
Kap….83..85..-1
Boynie..92..90..-3
Pescado.90..99..-11
MOFOS
Chick..86..89..-10
Snoot..88..83..-10
Joebob..87..93..-12
Josyman..102..101..-20