JAKE PUMMELS PUKES IN PITTSBURG
by Wick E. Wiley, ESPN Sports Editor
The setting was spectacular. On the outside balcony at famed OAKMONT C & C (founded in 1903 and designed by Henry Fownes from Pittsburg on 191 acres of land, which he purchased for $78,500 ($2.5 mil in 2022 money) and site of 10 US Opens as well as other major tournaments) just as sunset hit the Allegheny Mountains in the distance; the WDI Initiation Ceremony was just beginning. As the WDI neophytes found their seats, OAKMONT host Wyndham Clark (who also owns the Wyndham Pitt Hotel where the lads stayed) famed PGA player and winner of the 2023 US OPEN, welcomed everyone in attendance, including the standing room crowd of onlookers and wannabes.( About 7 of them.)
The list included a non-rabid, but frothing SHEADOG; BRANDEN ELLWELL (AKA BEWELL), by way of Margaritaville; JAKE ‘The Snake” NELLIS, currently leading the 55th WDI at this juncture; an aging SNOOT Doggy-Dog and not the MAN he used to be; the bittersweet and non-alcoholic JOEBOB…” I love water with lemon”; the dapper CHUTZ BROS. ( our humble hosts for this toonamint) and DOUG ‘KAPALUA” SANDERS, in his resplendent lavender pants, leopard T-Back underwear and lavender, wife-beater T-shirt! The girls at Mons Venus couldn’t be more proud of him! WYNDHAM looked around the room, frowned and wondered why he was invited to this shindig, when he could have been home preparing for the 2nd round of the FedEx Cup. Wyndham was pissed!
As the players drank their $8.95 box cartons of Pinot Noir vino, laughed, guffawed and farted…. the CHUTZ boys, annoyed by them and the attention DOUG SANDERS was getting, told top-notch waitress Emily to stop serving these MOFOS drinks. BUT, before we go any further, let’s see what the lads experienced before they arrived at OAKMONT.
Their first stop was GROVE CITY C & C, about a ‘day’s drive’ from Pittsburg in the country. Founded in 1917, G C C C is located on 200 acres of rolling hills with a mixture of mature trees, grasslands and marshes. Both Tim and Mike Chutz had chiseled their games here as bad-mannered, pimply-faced teens BUT, were fortunately welcomed back. The Chutz’s spoke very religiously about their experiences growing up at GCCC, especially behind the barn on 18 with Dawn and Bambi ( not a deer), and also about their golfing prowess and sibling rivalry.
Following their play there, the group had drinks/dinner at THE TAVERN, a swanky 250 year old establishment, built during the Revolutionary War in a quaint part of the city that had recently been bought and renovated by the Mike Chutz family, daughter and son-in-law. As part of dinner, however, guests had to sit outside and listen to Mike Chutz sing Hawaiian songs for 2 hours! Who is Don Ho anyway??? Dinner was superb. (unfortunately some patrons were overheard yelling at Mike to go back to Fowler, White…not nice BEWELL/JAKE )
The WDIers then trekked out to ALLEGHENY C CLUB (founded in 1895 and designed by Willie Park, Jr.) in the yes, Allegheny Mountains, only a half a day ride from Pittsburg. There, THE SNAKE caught fire and fired a blistering 68 w/ 5 birdies and took the lead, not to be relinquished. Some say he played from the Chartreuse tees at 4000 yards. WHATEVER…. everyone enjoyed their play there.
Dinner followed at ALLA FAMILIA in Pittsburg that started at 6pm and ended at midnight. During the middle of the meal, however JOEBOB had to go to the lavatory to rid himself of GIGANTE MEATABALL….10 pounds of ricotta, prosciutto and parmesan all rolled up into a small bowling ball. SNOOT had 2 by himself, fell to the floor and the staff rolled him out of the restaurant.
Back to the Ceremony! Emotions were riding high….SNOOT was sleeping, but blurted out ” I hate those fucking church pews”;( an angry Father O’Connell sitting at a nearby table shot him a bird) BEWELL was gasping and on his 68th beer; SNAKE was trying to finagle his underwear with the crotch facing straight ahead ( whew)..then Emily walked up to JAKE and yelled, ” Is that a gun in your pocket OR are you happy to see me?”…JOEBOB was lying prone…..SHEADOG was drinking and slurring……the CHUTZ boys were singing Hawaiian songs and SANDERS was trying to get into Emily’s pants. WYNDHAM was pissed.
Then SNOOT woke up and took a call from DORA…said he was going back to Tampa and passed out after his 20th Chardonnay on the white, linen tablecloths of OAKMONT. Security caught SHEADOG on the 18th green partially naked with a handful of OAKMONT memorabilia….cuffed him and took him directly to jail. BEEWELL/JAKE had 24 more beers, then got up from the table, took off their sports coats and pants and played 18 more holes in the dark. JOEBOB, meanwhile had slid under the table, trying not to be associated with these MOFOS, met Emily there, proposed and are soon to be wed at the TAVERN in OCTOBER.
The CHUTE boys, were playing scissors, rock and paper and seemed oblivious to the group. TIM finally left in WYNDHAMS ROLLS and MIKE left also for a gig in downtown Pittsburg to sing for a group of transgender Mongolian golfers.
In the end, the SNAKE prevailed in the 55th WDI, his 6th WDI victory, second only to a faltering DOUG ” KAPALUA” SANDERS, ( 8 victories) who on this weekend looked anything like a Champ. More like a Chump. The planning by the CHUTZS was exemplary…the weekend spectacular….the only question is? How are they going to outdo this toonamint next year? And btw, just because your ball was engulfed in the Church Pews on No.3 at Oakmont, (4 times ) doesn’t mean you went to Church….ey, SNOOTDOG!
Yours in golf,
Wick E. Wiley
SCORES………………
- Jake: 77-68-75-78 +7
- Mike Shu 79-73-85-81 -6
- Bwell 87-84-86-86 -6
- Tim 90-82-88-91 -19
- Shea 92-84-87-92 -19
- JB 88-90-85-97 -20
- Kapalua 91-88-95-92 -21
- Snoot 91-95-94 -31.