FLASH NEWS—REPORT FROM AUDIT FIRM OF HICKEM, DICKIM, & POO—A REVIEW OF SCORECARDS FOR THE LATEST WDI (OTH) GROUP REVEALED THE FOLLOWING BASED UPON ACTUAL AVERAGE SCORES FOR THE THREE ROUNDS: FIRST PLACE TIE, KAPALUA AND BRONECK AT SCRATCH; SECOND PLACE, KLUZ +1 STROKE; THIRD PLACE TIE, SNOOT AND JOEBOB +3 STROKES; FOURTH PLACE, ANDY +6 STROKES; FIFTH PLACE, BERNIE +8 STROKES; SIXTH PLACE, JOSEY +11 STROKES.
FOR ALL FUTURE TOURNAMENTS, THE ABOVE STROKE HANDICAPS WILL BE USED. ANY CASH PRIZE MONEY TAKEN IN ERROR FROM THE WISCONSIN NATIONAL TOURNAMENT MUST BE RETURNED TO KAPALUA HEADQUARTERS FOR REDISTRIBUTION. CEO PREZCAP ps. Nice playing Bro!
KRUZ KOLLECTS KUDOS FROM KRAZED FANS AT
2021 WDI IN WISCONSIN AMID ALLEGATIONS OF POINT
SHAVING AND RACIAL SLURS by Wick E Wiley, ESPN.
The clock on the wall at the run-down post-Communist era Hotel in Croatia said 1pm, but the bleary-eyed Snoot Doggy Dog, didn’t seem to care. This was his 21st day of quarantine in this 3rd world country and he wanted OUT! Even though he tested negative for COVID after a leisurely 21 day cruise up and down the Adriatic, he pleaded to authorities that the drugs found in his dopp kit, were legal and probably planted there by his sweet wife Dora, who didn’t want to leave the yacht! ” Cmon Jimmy, can we spend another 2 weeks in Croatia? Maybe invest in a timeshare too! Please!!! It’s so peaceful here!, said Dora. He was after all, the man from MYMD. ( bigga shot exec)
And besides, WDI WISCONSIN started in just 3 days….he HAD to get back home and fast. Who to call….The Taylor boys! They had just been released from a Japanese jail, for their role in helping Toyota car exec Carlos Ghosn escape Japan and delivered him to Lebanon. Cut to present…….. with a few Shekels, Snoot was on his way to the US…..just in time.
Jimmy the Geek, however, had speculated in August, that Snooter was not ” the man he used to be” and gave him 1000-1 odds to win the toonamint. The top 2 players according to The Geek were : the hot playing Joebobbo at 2-1 and Crazed Czech Kluz at 3-1. What about the sweet-swinging, good looking Hawaiian-Puerto Rican Kapalua. Being touted at 100-1 really “pissed him off.” I can’t believe that fat turd thinks I’m of no value,” said Kap,”especially since we will be spending time in the Dells where I grew up.” Even though Kap left the Dells as a 12 year old, he already had broken many records in the Dells ( many more than his older brother Prezcap, and much to the chagrin of his DAD )……..and boy was Larry’s Record Shop on Broadway angry!!!!
Sure enough, The Taylor Boys dropped Snoot off at Tampa International at 8am for his 9:30 Delta flight to Milwaukee, ONLY to find out the flight was delayed til 3pm! WTF!!! Kapalua had made plans to dine at one his Dells childhood friend”s restaurant ( at the Wilderness) that nite ( they closed at 9pm ) Could they still make it? Plus Field’s had saved him a tasty Walleye Pike, which they planned to serve him, along with the Dells grade school marching band serenading this former, famous Dells resident. But, they showed up at 10pm…only 7 hours LATE! They couldn’t find the Mayor to give Kap a key to the city, since he was passed out in one of the 200 bars in the Dells…..so they gave him a Monk’s tasty cheeseburger instead. With a tear in his eye, Kap, along with Bernie and Goldy, gobbled down their cheeseburgers while eyeing the final seconds of the Alabama game.
BTW, Joebob and Broneck did dine at Field’s Restaurant at the Wilderness.( They had taken an American flight since Broneck was an American Captain for 30 years) And those mofos wanted to eat the Walleye that had been protected for Kap……to no avail. And Kluz’s clubs and suitcase managed to arrive from the flight at 4am….much to his delight and his roomie, Kapalua’s dismay. So on Sunday morning, with all WDIers present,(after one of the worst travel days they experienced) they were on their way to SAND VALLEY, ergo, with a quick stop at the former Cappy”s Dept Store and a pic. The boys looked amazed as Kap pointed to his ‘digs’ in the Dells right across the street.” Did you really climb that spire,” asked Joebob. ” “Every day”, responded a confident Kap!
SAND VALLEY was another Keiser masterpiece, following BANDON DUNES and CABOT CLIFFS, but unlike the other two courses, there was NO water…ocean …lakes or cliffs here. Just a LOT of frickin sand!!! Their 2 courses SAND VALLEY and MAMMOTH DUNES were spectacular……sort of a combination of BANDON, STREAMSONG and ARCADIA BLUFFS. Sand Valley was the tougher of the two as Mammoth was far more forgiving with wide open fairways and a par 73.
DAY ONE at Sand Valley saw the good-looking, sweet swinging PR Hawaiian take the overnight lead by shooting 83. Kluz was second, 2 shots off the lead at -3, followed by GOLDY and father in law, BOYNIE at -4.(Bernie had just been released from Urgent Care in Nakoosa, Wisc. from the night before after pounding a drunk, loud-mouthed New Yorker, who kept on calling him…Bernie Madoff. He didn’t need his beefed up son-in-law Goldy or Kluz, or even Kap who was ready to pounce on the mofo, once he hit the ground. Slightly bruised, Boynie was happy as a lark to be playing golf.
Snoot was at -6; Broneck at -7; Joseyman at -8 and WDI ‘fav’ Joebabbo at -9. Not only were the fans at Sand Valley stung by Joebob’s play, Joebabbo was also stung by Kluz’s racial slur…..he called him a greaseball, tomato sauce sucking WOP and said THE GODFATHER movie was a fraud… a fake! NO MAFIA ever existed. The NYT and Washington Post got word of this and immediately called for Kluz’s WD from the WDI! And from the WDI RING OF HONOR. Coach Gruden sent his condolences to Kluz….and told him to sit tight. Which he did!
DAY TWO at Mammoth Dunes was marred by the famous GHIN handicap system, put in place by KLUZ and others. By utilizing the up tees, one’s handicap would fall a couple rings: BUT Joebob’s fell to 3, Kap’s fell to 5, Broneck’s fell to 7, and GASP, Kluz’s went up to 15!!! No wonder why Kluz shot 80….Kap 82 and Broneck 79 , and took a commanding 6 stroke lead into the last round at BLACKWOLF RUN. Young tasty, Italian chicks suddenly appeared at the 18th hole at Mammoth Dunes, bearing signs that read……VAMOS KLUZ and KLUZ IS MERDA and started pelting him with rotten tomatoes! They also carried signs that said, STOP THE STEAL KLUZ! …….KLUZ HANDICAP IS RIGGED! Someone swore they saw an elderly fat golfer with a red hat, sitting in a camo F-85 smiling at the commotion……
DAY THREE at BLACKWOLF RUN was anti-climatic. Joseyman finally found his game; Snoot had a mishap; Bernie lost his game; Joebob lost his cool and Kapalua tried to play low but ended up with an 86…..just like Kluz, Broneck and Snoot. Kluz won the 51st WDI by 5 strokes over a disappointed Kapalua, but after a delicious dinner at the world famous IMMIGRANT ROOM at KOHLER, with plenty of spirits……THE BOYS were having such a good time…they didn’t care! But, at a little after 3am, in his room at Kohler….there was a party in Room 171….a BLANKET party for good ol KLUZ! YAY!!!!!
SCORES
1.KLUZ ..90..80..86..+5
2.KAPALUA…83..82..86..0
3.BRONECK..88..79..86..-6
4.BERNIE…92..88..97…10
4.SNOOT..90..85..86….-10
6.ANDY…92..85..94…-14
6.JOEBOB..89..84..89..-14
8 JOSEYMAN..95..93..97…-18
Yours in golf,
Wick E. Wiley