HUMPTY ALMOST GETS DUMPED(TY)

BUT BARELY EDGES A CHARGING KAPALUA BY ONE

IN WDI FEDEX FINAL IN OHIO, by Wick E. Wiley, ESPN Sports Guru

( No Virginia…this isn’t a fairy tale!)

 

The large-headed man took a long 1st sip, then a second sip from his Blatz draft and exhaled deeply for all the “fake” sports media to see. He took off his flaming RED ballcap, that read…….KEEP BRIGGSIDE GREAT AGAIN…. then he entertained the 1st question of the post-round interview.

Q…..Did u choke , like a chicken, today on this beautiful Canterbury course, with excellent weather conditions and a 7 shot lead?

A….(Beneath his breath….you f….ing press idiot) ” Well, yeah,  I guess I sucked today.” …..Murmurs heard amongst the press media, then shouts of, “Yeah you did suck!” Briggsey aka Humpty aka Large-headed man aka, well, you get the picture….slowly burns under his collar.

Q….Do you think your play today was affected by the excellent play of the good-looking, sweet-swinging 7-time WDI Puerto Rican Champ, Kapalua?

A…..( Beneath his breath …That piece of shit) I mean, well it could of…after all, he IS a PLAYER at age 85! Grinning….press media murmuring again. Disrespectful dick!

Q….How do you think you would have fared had Jake and Joebob, not have been DQed?

A…. (Beneath his breath…F…k them, they would have no chance.)…I mean, Jakester won the 1st OHIO WDI here in ’18 and I blasted him last year…so it would have been a tough fight. Joebob , not so much! The fake press media, not impressed with his answers, starts to pass gas….and then more gas, then much more gas…….

As every anus in the crowd puckered up overtime, a small, insidious cloud of putrid gaseous fumes engulfed the dais, where the large headed man sat with Canterbury’s Prez, Jim DICKfarb and Fed Ex Prez Dan PETERman (they were cousins). Panic ensued as most everyone fled the media tent into the parking lot, into their cars, and down the tree-lined entrance into the suberbs of rejuvenated Cleveland.

It was indeed an unusually stinky OHIO WDI……The 1st round at beautiful Briggside in Canton, was shortened to 9 holes due to a torrential downpour ( which ultimately saved the toonamint for Briggsey who played those 9 holes with a +1 over Kapalua’s -5) Lowlight of the 11/2 rounds there….SNOOTER did not EAGLE #17 again…but he parred it! The 2nd round came off without a hitch, as Briggsey lengthened his lead with another +1. And then shortly after dinner @ Bender’s Men Club in Canton, after Round 2, red-faced officials raced into the famed restaurant……found the lads eating, quaffing and laughing and DQed both Jakester and Joebob on the spot………for what?  They had been caught by surveillance camera, smelling girl’s bicycle seats in the women’s parking lot!!!!! Oh my!!

BRIGGSIDE’S bro, JACKSIDE, immediately called around and was able to convince a couple Briggside members;( by offering cash and free meals) Dapper Davey Arnold and Gentleman John Belden to compete in the final 2 rounds in Cleveland, an hour up the road @ THE Country Club ( established in 1889…it’s course was designed by W. Flynn in 1928..Flynn also had a hand in designing Merion; Shinnecock Hills, The Homestead and The Country Club in Boston. It hosted the ’35 Nat’l Amateur Tournament) and CANTERBURY (founded in 1921..designed by Herbert Strong…and Head Pro Henry Picard. It had hosted 13 Majors…with wins by Nicklaus, Palmer, Stockton, Hagen, Mangrum, Miller Barber and O’Meara among others)

The other lowlight of the toonamint were the accommodations: Glenmoor Abbey, is where everyone stayed…it was an old Gothic 1930 vintage Monastery, which bears the aura of a highland Scottish castle set on rolling green hills. Jerry Jones bought ALL the rooms when he was inducted into the Hall of Fame there in Canton, a couple years ago.  Well, upon checking in…they were oversold, which meant WDI rookie, Joseyman had to room with an elder Monk. Although he looked like a convicted child molester, and smelled like the asshole of a donkey, we were told he was a mild-mannered holy person. That he was given a bad rap….. Joseyman said that as he entered the room on the first nite, the Monk had pushed the twin beds together…..hmmmm. And upon leaving Canton, on Monday am, that he had a good time, although he said, he did way too much spooning!!!!

Due to the DQ snafu, however, ONLY 6 could vie for the Aluminum Cup; rookie Joseyman @ -14; Jackside @ -13; Boynie @ -12 and Snoot Doggy Dog @-9… all far back of HUMPTY MAN who was at +1…………EXCEPT for the shifty, agile, and somewhat senile KAPALUA who was lurking around in 2nd place at -4. Arnold and Beldon were nice lads, however, they couldn’t vie for the Cup, but could compete for some prize $$$$$.

The 3rd round at COUNTRY was delayed one day, so the boys could take a well-deserved break and visit the ROCK n ROLL HOF in Cleveland and dine at Giovanni’s with the Mob Adjacent. Then began the final 2 rounds in CLEVELAND.  JOSEYMAN, through the assistance of his bro, Rob Joseyman,( who also bore the resemblance of a Monk) General Manager of COUNTRY, entertained the group for lunch; 18 holes and then dinner by their world-class chef. But the highlight for many was the 18 inch saucer shower heads that the boys used after golf!  Oh my!!!!

Briggsey’s +2 score complimented his continued, fine play, but a lurking Kap shot 0 (87) to keep within striking distance. Newbies…Arnold and Beldon both shot -3; Jackside -5; Snoot, Boynie and the other Joseyman all at -7. That set the stage for famed CANTERBURY! And what a beautiful course it was: much like Briggside, it displayed OHIO’s golf course pedigree: long, hilly, gorgeous and speedy greens.

Kapalua, first off the tee, came out roaring to a +1 (85) as did Boynie +5 (89) and Joseyman -1 (93). Snoot had an off day at -4(89), as did Dave Arnold at -4(85), Jackside -6(93) and Jumping Johnny Beldon at -9 (95) But what about the leader?????? The large-headed man???

Hurt by ugly chants about his rather large head earlier, after getting rescued by EMS from the men’s locker room since his head was stuck inside the narrow 5 FOOT men’s stalls, Briggsey’s play was off…..shooting, gasp..( 83) and -5. His 7 shot lead evaporating like the chilling Indian summer winds that pepper the green, rolling golf courses of Northern Ohio. BUT HE WON BY ONE…1….one. Such are the vagaries of golf…………………..

Back to the post-round interviews…..now held in CANTERBURY”S parking lot.  HUMPTY was standing on his bright Chartreuse F-150, shouting at what was left of the ‘fake’ media…interested Ohioans, dressed in their Levi overhauls, John Deere ballcaps and corn-pipes and other passer-bys or rather, rubber-neckers.  Briggsey shouted, ” Whoever was responsible for the gas attack…please come forward you bunch of assholes” …..at which time the entire crowd pressed toward his truck, causing him to topple from the hood and “crack his head.” ( Story sound familiar?) The EMS was called AGAIN as the crowd murmured, ” Could they put HUMPTY back together again/” Anyone have any glue???????

Only time will tell! Will follow up this story with medical updates from the CLEVELAND CLINIC downtown!!!!!

……….

Yours in golf,

Wick E. Wiley

PS…..This is WDI win #3 for Briggsey tying him w/Snooter; Neck; Kluz and Fish for 4th place All-time., behind Duke w/4; Jakester w/5 , Bolter w/5 and Kapovich ( He’s well-known in the Czech Republic as well) w/7!

PSS.. for anyone following this complicated story…Briggs.scores: +1..0..+2..-5 = -2

Kap scores…..-5..+1..0  +1 = -3