by Wick E Wiley, ESPN Editor
At the end of the day ( Saturday), in the communal showers at the SPA at STREAMSONG, the WDI boys were licking their wounds and examining their many BLACK and BLUE bruises, after playing the NEW BLACK COURSE @ STREAMSONG. Sounds very SANDUSKY-LIKE? But, not to worry. It’s just that the WDIers are a close-knit lot! And the luxury-dual shower heads, and the rain-fall pressurized, private stalls were included in the golf package. As were the hot and cold running maids……..
In one corner of the spa, you could see a wet rat-like Kapalua showing off his epidural scar to anyone who dared to look…or Boynie, sitting on a shower stool examining water-smeared X-Rays of his painful feet…….or the short, stodgy Cuban Pygmy, shouting at the top of his lungs about” SHRINKAGE” and no-one bothering to cast a glare….or the MOFO Captain Kluzie, unsuccessfully wrapping and re-wrapping his damaged left ankle, “Hey it’s not sticking!”, yelled Kluz over the din of water falling and heavy humidic heat. But, his teammate, the Fish, who thrives in this type of watery environment, came to his rescue with waterproof adhesive band-aids…..and then swam away! Then, there was a naked Joseyman, ( not a pretty sight ) sipping and tasting several bottles of very ‘hot’ and steamy Cakebread Cabernet, even tho they had been spoiled from being stored in 100 and over degree temps and finally one found a very relaxed Joey Cappy, listening to I-Tunes on a cell that, hopefully for him was waterproof.
While it looked like the BLACK and BLUE courses of Streamsong beat up the boys pretty bad…….. the scores didn’t reflect it. Captain Kluz of the MOFO team, played like Jordan Spieth, shooting 84-80 along with a record-tying 5 birdies on the tough BLACK course…but didn’t finish the last 8 holes, due to injury. Calls to Joe Hodge at PC regarding Kluz’s handicap, went un-answered.
And just the day before on the BLUE course, an aging but proud Snoot Doggy Dog and SHITASS Captain, shot 74 with 5 birdies tying the WDI record for birdies in a round, set by Mike ” Neck ” Nectarine up at the Fortress in Frankenmeuth 10 years ago. Multiple cries of ” Sit on that big hog.” emanated throughout Streamsong resort which resulted in a horde of blue-haired ladies heading over to the 18th hole of the BLUE. SNOOT saw them coming and ran!………… They played the Blue from 6285 yards, except the par 5s, which were played one tee forward. Same with Black course, except it was a par 73 with 5 par 5s…..6240 yards.
This toonamint was originally set with 12 players, in a father-son setting. But mysterious injuries to both Jake and Joebob, DQed both of them , including JB’s son Robbob and Ryan Cappy from the outing. No one really knows how Joebob, who broke his left wrist and Jake who suffered an ACL tear to his right knee, were injured. This reporter received a tip, however, from a reliable source, that intimated that these lads were seen in an inebriated state leaving Mons Venus around Halloween, with a couple babes in hand. Annnnnd, that the babes turned out to be ……transgenders. Which, ultimately led to a nasty scrape in the parking lot of Mons. Luckily, they were spirited away by local passer-bys, before the poo-lice showed up and ended up at St. Joe ER. Robbob and Ryan were the beneficiaries of their disqualification.
There is, also, a bit of discrepancy as to WHICH team won the Mini-Ryder Cup. It involves Joey ( Cappy) and Josey ( Outlaw Josey-man ) Note : the only difference in both names is the S in Josey’s. So, at the Eyetalian Kick-Off Party, when the names were drawn RANDOMLY, were the names CORRECTLY chosen? The reason: MOFO team was +21 with Joey and the SHITASS team was +9 with Josey. If Joey was on the SHITASS team and Josey on the MOFOs, the score would be MOFOS +5 and the SHITASSES +25. At this point, Commisioner Kapalua has decreed that an Executive Board Meeting be held to discuss this snafu, and vote on which team was victorious. Plenty of $$$ depends on the RIGHT call!
And everyone knows what is going to happen? Either Alabama OR Ohio State?
Yours in sports,
Kapalua……………………And the Committee rules as follows!!!!!!!
WINNERS: SHITASSES
CAPT SNOOT…74-81….+11
BOYNIE………….91-86….+9
JOEY C………….100-93…+5
KAPALUA……….90-82……0
LOSER: MOFOS
CAPT. KLUZ……84-80….+16
FISH………………..89-93….+1
CHICK……………..82-85…..-1
JOSEYMAN………96-96…..-11