KAPALUA KLOBBERS KREWE
AT 2017 AUSTIN WDI
by: Wick E. Wiley, ESPN
It happened so very, very fast! Burly, black-shirted QTSI security personnel grabbed poor Joebob’s shoulders and heels, catapaulting his drink, chips and glasses into the air, as they dragged him off the SW flight. Squealing like a stuck pig, and bleeding profusely through his nose, Joebob couldn’t stop the inevitable brute force ( not Brent Strength ).However, deep inside his mind, he knew that by not arriving in Austin in time for the start of the Austin WDI….he could be DQed! And that worried the WDI front runner.
Who was behind this travesty, this thuggery? Who wanted him ( a 2-1 favorite through Las Vegas books ) OUT? As the security goons dragged him through the concourse, he thought he caught a glimpse of someone he knew very well and someone who was 1st alternate…..hiding behind a 3 foot high fire hydrant, which by the way, almost covered his smallish body. Yes it was……..the Cuban Pygmy! Damn him!
What started out badly, turned goodly. After several hours of haggling and compromise with airport, airline and Cuban officials and through the efforts of his brilliant law team, Dewey, Screwthem and Howe, he was finally released in time to tee off at Barton Creek’s Canyon Course. But, it was an Oriental who stole the show on DAY ONE. P F Chang, the balding Chinaman, who allegedly, had tutored at the University of Texas at Austin hit the Texas Hill Country running and surged to a 1st round lead with an 85 ( +5 ) over 2nd place golfers Kapalua and Joebob ( +2 ). Eating Tex-Mex and Mexican chow at breakfast, lunch and dinner seemed to buoy his efforts.
But, when private investigators, hired by unknown individuals, drug up old news clippings that linked the Chinaman with frat brother Charlie Whitman at UT in the 60s, it seemed to take the ‘heat’ out of his Texas chili peppers, so to speak. Crowds gathered outside the WDI hotel, holding placards that read…Tower killers… and Ur fraternity sucks….. caused the former resilient Chang into speaking non- stop Chinese which startled and scared his roomie, Snooter and apparently shook his confidence. That opportunity spurred Kap and Joebob to jump into the lead after posting an 82 and 85 at private Spanish Oaks, a fabulous Bobby Weed design. The Vegas bookmakers were ecstatic, because Joebabbo came into the tourney with a frickin 17 ‘cap’. 3 more than Kapalua.
But wait!!! What about Austin resident ( only in the winter ) Little Clam Neck and crowd ‘fav’ Snoot Doggy Dog? Even an evening at Neck’s son-in-law and daughter’s, (Grant and Lara) beautiful canyon home and dinner at 5pm ( because the Neck can’t eat late ) and dining with Grant’s friends who are members at Austin Country Club….Chicken ( Boneless); Naviedad and Von Trop who joined the WDIers for that round at ACC couldn’t bring out for both of the lads, their past championship form. And the same for Snooter–no Starbuck’s in Austin sapped his strength and competitive mettle. They both limped in after 4 rounds at 7th and 8th respectively.
Question: what happened to the other 2 contestants……FISH ( and or cut bait ) and Broneck? The Pescado man, nursing a bruised fin, started out swimmingly, but was caught in Kapalua’s hot current and plunged down faster than Charlie the Tuna….while a revitalized 95 year old Broneck had found his game and made a run at the leaders. So had the young, well slightly aging Boynie, after receiving a call from his favorite son-in-law ( actually his only son-in-law ) Goldilox, that he had noticed while watching the toonamint on ESPN, that Boynie was “rocking the baby” a bit too fast. …..causing a little spit-up on his ugly-ass green tartan rain gear that he has worn since after WW2.
Boynie, promptly taking his advice, entered the last day at -4, after shooting 90 at ACC, in 4th place which merited him a spot in the final 4-some with Broceck ( -2 ), Joebob +4, and that good-looking, sweet-swinging Puerto Rican, Hawaiian Kapalua +10. But let’s not get ahead of our story. It was at beautiful ACC ( not SEC ) Austin Country Club that jump- started Kap’s game. With shouts of ” SEC>>SEC>>>from the large adoring crowd, the Orange and Blue clad former Gator roared out of the gates, shooting 39-44 and staked himself to a seeming insurmountable lead +10 over roomie and good friend Joebob +4 going into the final round. His secret? It seemed that his meeting earlier that morning with a stuffed Harvey Pennick, although a bit stiff, brought tears to Kap’s eyes. Or maybe it was the formaldehyde?Whatever it was, his game was clicking on all cylinders.
Whether there was too much Tex-Mex food….wine…beer…vodka over the 5 days at Barton Creek, it seemed that Joebob, Broneck and Boynie had run out of gas and couldn’t mount a charge. Smashing 325 yard drives coupled with laser like irons and a remarkable short game thanks to a quick lesson from Dave Pelz.propelled Kap to a final round 83 and the coveted aluminum WDI Commisioners Cup.( which looks like an upside down penis)
At the post-victory press conference, Kap answered this reporter’s questions with aplomb and modesty. “Fuck you.”……OR ” Yes, I did feel that I was the bestest golfer out there all weekend. Those guys did suck.” OR, “As far as the WDIers, I don’t associate or cavort that much with those MOFOs. I’m OK in my own skin and enjoyed hanging out with Harvey Pennick, even tho he doesn’t say a lot.” What a schmoo!!!!!!!!
So there you have it sports fans and perverts everywhere…….an almost wire-to -wire victory by Kapalua, almost foiled by a steady game by Joebbob and an emotional return to Austin by the Changster…….a return to glory by Broneck..the gritty 95 year old journeyman…a gallant effort by oft-injured Pescado, a comeback by an aging Boynie and well, there’s nothing you can say about the other two schmoos!!!!
Rumor has it that the next WDI may be in Ohio…..Arizona……or in a time zone near you..
Yours in sports,
Wick E. Wiley
SCORES
- +12 KAPALUA………85..82..83..83
- -2 JOEBOB………..87..85..91..94
- -3 BOYNIE…………93..94..90..90
T4 -6 BRONECK……..84..89..83..89
T4 -6 PESCADO……..94..96..94..91
- -11 CHANG………….85..95..91..96
- -13 NECK…………….97..92..92..90
- -15 SNOOT………….85..91..88..86
SCORES AT ACC ( FROM THE BACK TEES )
STUART (VON TROP) 81
PHILLIP ( NAVIEDAD) 87
SCOTT ( CHICKEN) 87
GRANT ( LITTLE WEENIE ) 97