KAPALUA AND JOEBABBO TIE

THE MEN’S DIVISION AND

ROBOB AND CAM RAH BAY

GO 1-2 IN THE SON’S

DIVISION OF THE 2016

FATHER-SON SCOTLAND TOURNEY

AUGUST 14-21, 2016

BY Wick E Wiley, Editor

With sirens blaring and  huge crowds of onlookers craning their necks to get a peek……a black, sleek Rolls Royce limo pulled up with it’s entourage and out the back door popped THE DONALD, waving to his fans and walking rapidly up the steps to TRUMP TURNBERRY in Scotland, in a haze of hairspray, that even a Category 3 hurricane couldn’t mess-up. It was press time….time to introduce …the WDI to Turnberry.

“Ladies, with the exception of Rosie O’Donnell,…. gentlemen….. and Chicanos everywhere ( snickers heard in the crowd ), on behalf of the WDI TOUR, I would like to enthusiastically welcome the lads of this, the FATHER-SON WDI/SCOTLAND TOURNEY to my fabulous Hotel.” Turning to a nervous and unshaven JoeBob Pesce, head of the FR-SON group, “And Joebob, I’m very happy to tell you that the renovation of both the Hotel and my beautiful Ailsa Course was finished on time,  so you and your pals would thoroughly enjoy it. Now don’t fuck it up! ” ( Grinning ear to ear ) And use a Gillette, for crying out loud.”

” Folks, let me introduce the players: besides Joebob, there is his son Robbob. ( minor applause ) Jimmy “Scootdown” Von Thron and son Cam Rah Bay ( more minor applause ) The G-Man, Galen Jones and his adopted son ,The News, whether good or bad, ( more minor applause ) and finally, the well-renowned Champ…the good-looking, sweet-swinging Puerto Rican, Hawaiian, Kapafrickinlua and son Joey “The Hitman” Capizzi. ” ( wild, unabated applause that went on for minutes ) “Ok, Ok Ok,” Trump gesturing with his hands, as if he was dispensing a foul odor.

Pulling aside an aide who was standing next to Trump, Donald was over- heard asking him, “Did this schmoo get tested for ZIKA when he came over from Puerto Rico”. To which his aide replied,” No sir, BUT he came over 40 years ago.”  To which Trump replied, “Well, test the MOFO again.”

Commotion ensued as security guards and Scottish bag-pipers with kilted skirts with flesh-colored, T-back undies,( get the visual? ) grabbed Kapalua and pulled him down a long hallway, with Kap screaming at the top of his lungs…………All Trump said was, ” He’s a pussy, just like Hillary.”

And so started the 2016 Scotland Father-Son Tourney…..well, almost. The lads DID play at newly, renovated Turnberry, but it was on the 3rd day. DAY ONE was at charming ,  yet quirky Prestwick, home of the OPEN for the first 20 something years…..and several of the boys, namely, Galen and Cameron didn’t have their golf sticks (yet ) as they were delayed in transit.

No one was sitting next to Galen, either at dinner or on the bus, on Tuesday, 2 days after they arrived, not because he is not a nice guy and gentleman…..but because The GMan didn’t receive his suitcase EITHER.  Whew!….. Overheard arguing in the lobby on Monday nite, ” C’mon Jim, we’ve been partners for umpteen years.” JVT replying, ” Galen, you’re not borrowing my frickin underwear. Buy new ones.”

The G-Man,quietly surrendering and on the brink of tears, murmured, “But they all say TRUMPS TOOL on the front of them. And I’m not voting for him.”

Besides that bit of drama, there was a WDI tourney to be played. And right out of the gates, everyone knew it was going to be the Kapalua/Joebob show, as they went 1-2, 2-1 for the first 5 days.

As for the sons, Robbob ( hcp 20) had up and down days in a significant way ( 95–86–105–95–84–94 ); and really enjoyed the bus trips, even with his eyes wide shut;  Joey ” The Hitman” (hcp22) started out slowly, ( 109–98–98–104–98–98) but with experienced caddies ( dispensing golf tips and life experiences)  at ALL courses, he gained momentum and after the 3rd hole at St Andrews’, venerable Old Course, was ACTUALLY 1 under!!!!! Of course, when Dad Kap pulled him aside and told him that, he fell apart like a cheap suit at the Men’s Warehouse and shot 98. And as for Cam Rah Bay,( hcp 13) he was the most experienced and consistent of the 3 lads, usually hitting his quota number on the head each day. ( 88–84–84–85–86–80) Playing in heavy rain and wind on Friday afternoon at the Old Course,( such as we found at RCD in Ireland in ’14 he produced a dazzling 80.

Newest rookie Don Barnes, aka the News, ( whether Bad or Good ) came out of the gate on fire…playing Prestwick..Western Gailes and Turnberry in the high 80’s. His 17 handicap kept him in the ‘hunt’, but unfortunately Kingsbarn, Carnoustie and the Old Course reared it’s ugly head and turned him into a very big plate of ‘haggis.’

Scootdown, meanwhile sensing the plight of his partner, G-man and his bud the News…played admirably shooting 88–86–88–87–81–and 84; but alas it wasn’t enough for the aging, obstinate, obstetrician. ( Jim, did get the “Iron Man” trophy along with News for playing 9 courses that week…with 2 days of walking 36.)

Scooter’s downfall occurred because the Italian Scallions were shooting and (putting ) lights out. Joebob’s run started with scores of 83–86–77–85–84 with plenty of birdies, to actually lead after 5 rounds. ( 0 to -2 ) But, following the Neck brothers daily routine of getting up at 5am, eating breakfast at 6am, followed by a heavy 2 hour workout, then hitting balls….sapped Joebob as he took a spill at the Old Course. He did manage, however,  to play the New Course( built in 1789) and the King’s Course at Gleneagles, respectfully.

Kapalua, had the hot putter MOST of the week putting and shooting 79 at W. Gailes; 80 at Carnoustie ( with a DB, Bogey, DB finish ) and 82 at the Old Course( in horribly, rainy and windy weather), to go along with scores of 85..86 and 83. So, when the Competition Committee met for the Final results ( btw, Joebob and Kap are on the Competition Committee), it was ONLY proper and the English thing to do to call a tie for the two Eyetalian chaps. Besides, Kap’s feet, hip, back and whatever else can ail you came into play, as he only played 6 courses…………..

But most of all, it WAS a trip of a lifetime for the sons; Joey, Rob and Cam and News ( oldest son out there) While most of the WDIers have played overseas before, they know of and have  enjoyed the experience before…..the tour bus, loaded with beer on the drive back from the courses ..the tour bus loaded with beer on the way to the courses…the sumptuous meals of lamb, steak, fowl, duck and fresh fish, that they don’t usually get for 7 consecutive days…….the luxurious hotel rooms ( and boy, weren’t they glorious with Trump Turnberry and Gleneagles getting the nod for BEST, and the Old Course Hotel, great for it’s location ) and of course, the heavy imbibing, which, oh well……….. they probably were used to. Hah!

All in all, in the words of Jim Nantz, it was a trip for the ages……and the aging.

SOME NOTABLES

Most shirts purchased..Joebob….17

Most improved golf game………….Joey

Most days/nites sitting by himself…2…Galen ( before his suitcase arrived )

Most drives over 300 yards not in fairway…..Cameron…..25

Most double gin/tonics ordered….Kap….43

Most courses played Jim/News…9

Number of times Robbob struck Joebob with pillow whilst snoring…….every nite.

Golfingly yours,

Wicky Wiley

There are no WDI tourneys scheduled for the rest of 2016…..next year The Snoot in Feb at TPC Sawgrass and Austin, Texas…..