ARTICLE BY WICK E WILEY, Sports Editor ESPN

WDIers , golfers, fannies and anal retentive readers of my articles everywhere………2015 promises to be an exciting toonamint year for the WDI. With ONLY 2 major toonamints this year, Orlando/Streamsong and Pinehurst in August  ( due to lack of viable sponsors and a lot of apathy) more golfers were invited this year than in any other. 12 golfers were selected out of a field of 114 for the 61st WDI in BAY HILL/STREAMSONG on APRIL 30-MAY 3. ( SORRY….Mudman, Rosy Jake, Prezcap and Bolt…..u didn’t make the cut this year ) This marks the 6th visit to Bay Hill ( 7 to Orlando) and the 2nd visit to Streamsong.  With the help of my good friend, the swarthy, sleazy, sweaty and smelly Jimmy the Geek, fresh from his vacation at the Atlanta Federal Penitentiary…..he will handicap the field of 12, as he always does, without aplomb or fanfare. He says it, like…   it… .  is!  A la Howard Cosell……………

JOEBOB( PESCE )…16 hcp…(4-1)

Fresh off his Member-Member win at PC a few months ago w/Snooter, JB has a renewed and satisfied look on his face. Sort of like, when you’ve just taken a huge dump. He also has been a bit grumpy, lately, as well. Perhaps due to that time of the month… His confidence level, however,  is soaring and his scoring( only in golf ) is getting lower and lower because of his recent good play. This feisty Southern Eyetalian just could be the Eyetalian to beat ( after all, there are 3 Eyetalians in the tourney ) in the 61st WDI, provided he lays off the Jesse’s and Ambien. Playing is his 18th WDI ( 8th most ), he IS the bestest golfer NOT to have won a major. Yet!

KAPALUA.( CAPPY )..10 hcp…(5-1)

This sweet swinging, good looking Puerto Rican/Hawaiian of questionable ancestry, is a 5-time winner ( tied with the infamous Bolt ) and is looking to break the frickin record this month. Why? Won back to back titles recently with Broneck in Mich. (Aug. 2013) and Boynie in Chicago (June 2014) and finished 3rd in N. Ireland last August. That’s why!!!!!!!!! Was often stopped on the streets of Belfast and Dublin by young, tasty and tender coeds seeking autograph thrills and a few selfies. Is being sponsored by the girls from Mons Venus for the 6th straight year…………Playing in his 35th WDI…missed Streamsong in 2013 due to back ailments.

KLUZ..(KLUZEK )..15 hcp….(6-1 )

ONLY WDIer in history to get hole-in-two ( at Streamsong in 2013 ) Says by going back there ( as well as Orlando ), good memories should help raise his confidence level ten-fold. By the way, the hole in two proved to be a financial disaster that nite at dinner! He won $1200, but paid $1300 for the dinner….. Was hot as a firecracker on the Tour in 2012, when he racked up 2 consecutive wins ( @ Orlando and Innisbrook ) but has fallen on hard times lately. He attributes his poor showing the last several years to his REAL job and sitting in steerage on weekly flights zipping across the US. ” Boy, am I getting tired of Cutter Home Zinfandel , even tho I like the pink color. ” Like Fish, Kluz DNP in 2014 due to a one year suspension for impersonating a golfer. Will be playing in his 6th WDI……

NECK …..( NUECHTERLEIN)..13hcp ( 7-1 )

This little Kraut is a 3-time Champ, whose last win was at Kiawah back in 2011. Has been in contention, however in his last two tourneys in Mich and Chicago. Says his game is getting better, now that he’s only playing ‘ twice’ a year. Currently, is Mayor of Frankenmuth, a small Germanic town that consists of 2000 residents, most of them 5 foot one or under. Don’t know why, but town smells of fried chicken…..Come to think of it, so does Neck’s clothes. Can the chicken smelling Neck, at age 79, pull off another WDI victory? Is the Pope Polish….NEIN!!!!!! ( He used to be )  Has other health problems as well ( is on an oatmeal diet )…looks like he’s falling apart like a cheap suit. But the frickin Neck is a competitor. Watch him at the end….Actually you don’t need to watch him, you can smell him!!!!!  Playing in his 31st WDI………………..

SNOOT DOGGY DOG..( McNULTY )….10 hcp ( 8-1 )

When you say competitor, you will see Snoot’s pic right next to it. When you say” Jesuit’s fav golfer of the last 5 decades, you see Snoot’s name on a plaque. And when you say “WHITE WINE”, well, I think you get the picture. Will he…could he…and can he…… regain his competitive edge’ fo one mo toonamint? ‘Probably NOT! But he’s a heck of a nice guy…makes his own clothes…all the guys like him. Is a shell of a man tho,  like the Neck…probably worn out, from traveling on a weekly basis from Snoot North to Snoot South to SnootWest to Snoot East. Will he please make up his frickin mind!!!! The big question at this WDI is whether there will be a SNOOTDIVE, like in, let’s see….Chicago, Firestone, Birmingham etc. Stay tuned ….mofos. Playing in his 33rd WDI………..

CHICK.( GARCIA )./ ….8 hcp ( 9-1 )

AKA Cuban Pygmy….Chickfilet……vying in his 4th WDI, but hasn’t taken home any hardware, so to speak. ( Has a 2nd, a 4th and Blue Team Ryder Cup win @ Streamsong in 2013 ) Does he have the Chutzpah to pull off an UPSET victory? ( Everyone, inc Duke, would really be UPSET if he does) Has gained a few lbs. lately, which may slow his swing down, due to binging at PC’s recent ‘happy hours’ of free hors d’ouveries. ” All u can eat for free, plus takeaways” is Chick’s motto. AKA  Mr.  Alligator Arms , ( don’t sit next to him when the bill comes ) has recently been seen at Barnes and Nobles,  boycotting Duke’s new novel….KILLING CHICK. And finally, If you have the’ misfortune’ to play with him…pls bring a set of earplugs, so you don’t have to hear his redundant, repetitious phrases.

BOYNIE..( STEIN )…..18 hcp ( 11-1)

Is a 2-time Chump( who recently tied w/ Kapalua @ CHICAGO WDI in 2014 in dramatic 18th hole up and down from 160 yards out ) Looks like long-awaited hip replacement and gyro repair, has jump started his storied WDI career. Could be 2015 Comeback Player of the Year with a good showing. But, let’s not get too carried away…..the Shankmeister is always lurking nearby. The big question is how many pounds will the ‘ham’ be that he is preparing to bring to Streamsong? ( which cost my pal Kev his job and almost outlawed us from Streamsong in 2013) And will he refrigerate the ham this time? Will he also bring matso balls? Is a real thief playing with an 18 handicap….he should be ashamed of himself. But he’s NOT!  Playing in his 23rd WDI……….

BRONECK..( NUECHTERLEIN )…..9 hcp ( 12-1)

Says he’ll be competing for his 3rd maroon/beige jacket even though he has back ailments. Will be the oldest WDIer ( at age 90 ) if he can pull off a victory. Since he lost his life savings at a crap table last year, he’s been forced to find part-time job as co-pilot for Malyasian Airlines. Perks are outstanding, but has to wear a parachute and snorkel at all times. Feels, however, this could be a short term job…if you know what I mean!  Be nice to Bro and treat him gingerly…never know what’s going to happen. Playing in his 26th WDI.

FISH..( FISHER )…..16 hcp ( 13-1)

2014 Pescado Man/Fish of the Year. Was pictured in Field and Stream in January with a few of his relatives: Carp…Perch and Small-mouthed Bass. Actually, he claims a new name..Barracuda Man….since he dropped 30 lbs. of scales this year. Insists he’s back to near championship form in 08, when he won 2 consecutive aluminum trophys. His best shot…FISHHOOK. Can often find him at Bonefish at the oyster/shrimp bar chatting with other fish/ pals. Didn’t play at all in any WDI tourney in 2014 due to a year suspension for fishy and smelly play by Commisioner Kapalua. Playing in his 24th WDI.

GOLDY/CHEESEMAN 16 hcp ( 25-1)

Another past Rookie of the Year, Cheese was invited to play due to past performance in 20th WDI Anniversary tourney in N Ireland in 2014. His favorite non-golf moment in N Ireland……getting locked in the unisex bathroom at the Titanic Museum in Belfast, by a 5 yr old Irish kid. By close vote of 5-4 by the players, he was rescued. Goes by CHEESE, even though he doesn’t live in Wisconsin. Apparently, the reason for that nickname, according to Dad-in-law Boynie is a bit gassy. Hasn’t been in contention since 1st round at the Fortress in Michigan in 2013…..but, look for CHEESE to have some ‘moldy’ moments in Orlando. Playing in 4th WDI. Can’t wait to leave the frigid confines of Chitown.

CUTTER ( STEVE BUTLER)….. 17 hcp (1001-1)

Steve broke into WDI’s ranks on the 20th Anniverary trip to N. Ireland in August of 2014 and performed admirably ( as the wine connoisseur, so much so, that Kluz’s role has been supplanted, demoted and otherwise chopped) Was “rookie of the Year in 2014. His golf play was sometimes “erratic”, but his explanation of wine is somewhat “erotic”. Has committed to Pinehurst in August as well…looks like he caught the WDI fever. Only down note is that it is still a mystery how Johnny McLaughlin was injured in N. Ireland and what role did Cutter play as his roomie? As his nickname suggests…don’t piss him off. He will “cut” you to the quick!!!

DENNIS THE MENACE…( AGLIANO )…. 17 hcp ( 1002-1)

Is a former Orlando WDI Champ at Reunion in 2009. Cannot vie for the aluminum trophy, since he will miss the first day’s play at Bay Hill. PITY!!  Nonetheless, he’s set to ‘grind’ on the other 3 days. And he could be your partner……..Is a bit frugal, however….. he just set up 4 brand new pay phones in his new home. Word has it, however,  that when he sold his old house, the new owners wondered why the back yard smelled like tuna and tomatoes. And why where there many little holes dug up? Dennis told them he had wild gophers! New owners also found 78 rusty old 7 irons in the garage attic as well….when Denise found out, he wanted them back. Playing in his 4th WDI.

 

So there you have it, boys, girls and perverts everywhere. Will Joebob pull a Jordan Spieth by going wire to wire? Will Sandbaggers like Boynie and Kluz feel badly about their “caps” and give one or two back? Will Cutter provide EMERGENCY care to us “old fart WDIers, like he did in St Augustine in Feb. @ the Snoot?…………………………….. Remember big Eyetalian party, hosted by Joebob and myself at my house on the Wednesday nite before the toonamint. April 29 (  We will pick players/tee groupings that nite for Thursdays golf.) If you’re coming, we need cigars…dessert…vino. JB and I ( and maybe Snoot/crab claws ) will take care of everything else.

 

Here are the tee times for the weekend:

Thursday @ Bay Hill 1:30; 1:40 and 1:50pm April 30

Friday @ Bay Hill….10:10; 10:20: and 10:30am  May 1

Saturday @ Streamsong Red….1pm; 1:10pm and 1:20pm 5-2

Sunday @ Streamsong Blue…8:45 am; 8:55 am and 9:05 am

DINING:

Wed @6:30pm @ 4628 Bay to Bay Blvd.

Thursday @ 8pm @ Christini’s ( Neck’s fav hangout )

Friday @ Ocean Prime @ 7:30pm

Sat. @ Sotto Terra @ Streamsong Hotel @ 7:30pm ( Jackets are requested for dinner )

BETS:

$250 pp…pls bring 20s, 10s and 5s   Broneck is our treasurer.