By Wick E. Wiley, ESPN Sports Editor/Jimmy the Geek

Hello sports fans, small children and perverts everywhere! An exciting toonamint in maize and blue country awaits a tough field on August 25 in tiny Frankenmuth, Michigan. Thousands of fans and sports media/moguls will descend on this tiny Germanic town of 550 to witness Glory’s Last Shot! It will be the WDI’s 3rd foray into Michigan territory, home turf for the Neck brothers, who haven’t fared well in the last two outings. A DQ for the shorter, more homely of the two, Little Clam Neck ( in 06) and a disappointing last place finish for older brother, and more handsome… Broneck 3 years later. In 2006, Kapalua took top honors, beating off ( so to speak ) the hard-charging Killer B’s……Bolt, Boynie and Broneck. ( over 8 courses ) In 2009, the frickin Duke edged Snoot Doggy Dog on the last hole of round 5, after Snoot had led all the way from Day One. ( over 5 courses )

This tourney will consist of competing at 5 venues: the Fortress of Correigidor @ Frankenmuth ( Little Clam Neck’s home course ); Tullymore’s 2 courses: St. Ives and Tullymore; venerable Oakland Hills ( host of 6 US Opens; 2 Senior US Opens, 2 US Amateurs and a Ryder Cup ) and finishing up at Univ. of Michigan’s famous Ann Arbor course. ( designed by Augusta Nat’l, Cypress Point, Crystal Downs architect Allistair McKenzie )

A couple housecleaning items before we see who the oddsmakers feel will win this 35th WDI……………………………………

1. The bet is $275. Please bring your $$$ in 20s, 10s and 5s. Treasurer will be Broneck again.
2. Half of all winnings will go into pot to defray drinks/dinner.
3.Transportation is as follows: Neck and Broneck have vehicle; Goldilox, I Like Ike(rookie) and Boynie have vehicle and Fish, Snoot and Kapalua have rental.
4.Skins will be decided by 1/2 of your handicap.
5. Scoring will be by quota system: birdie is 4 pts; par is 2 pts.; bogey is one pt.; and triple bogey is -1 point.
6. Handicaps as of today are , Broneck 10; Neck 12 , Goldilox 16; I Like Ike 16 …..Thursday…. handicaps may change for Kapalua, Snoot, Fish and Boynie.
7. Probably won’t be a bad idea to bring a blazer, in case we need it for dinner?

And now, Jimmy the Geek, that greaseball Eyetalian, fresh off a Mediterraen cruise will pick ( his nose ) and his fav’s!!!!!

KAPALUA 5-1 Clearly, the fan fav of fans and fannies everywhere, especially the topless girls at Club Cheetah. Hard to say how the sweet-swinging, good-looking, Puerto Rican, Hawaiian, will fare after coming back from his recent 4-level back fusion with rods, screws, pins and needles. Suffice it to say that this Eyetalian vet, knows how to get ready to “rumble’. He will pull every trick ( legal) in the book, inc. short-sheeting his roomie’s bed ….to win. His driving distance is down to 290-295 due to back problems, but Kap thinks he can get it done against these unathletic schmoos. Born and raised in Chicago, he knows he also has to keep his eyes on the Chicago 2 ( rookies and scoundrels.) in order to finish on top!

FISH 8-1 Could be in the running for Comeback Player of the Year. His cap has been falling like a dead weight on a fishing line, since the WDI @ Streamsong in January. Before that, he had Red Tide warning signs posted in his front yard, pissing off his neighbors, due to the smelly play by the Big Barracuda. But, lately, he hasn’t been seen flailing and flopping that much. If he can figure out a way to correct his “Fish hook”, he could be a contender. His favorite team: Dolphins; favorite movie: Jaws; favorite Actor: Shamu; favorite restaurant: Bonefish.

SNOOT 9-1 An aging, used to be….’fair’ golfer, NOW a mere shell of a man! Over the hill……..Yes, Snoot has heard all of that BS, and he’s pissed off. And when he gets pissed off….he drinks too much. And when he drinks too much wine….he passes out. And when he passes out……his roomie will short-sheet his bed!!!! Trying to put more bulk on after a recent altercation with a French Frog ( who weighed 300 lbs ) in gay Paree. When he couldn’t outrun him or outsmart him, he spat upon him. That chased the Frog away……….Snooter says this fight has changed him……”.C’mon you MOFOs! I’ll take you on!!” Anyone have any sand we could kick in his face?

BRONECK 10-1 Brother Kraut is still retired from American Airlines, but recently had been asked to fly sorties for Korean Airlines. He declined. Looks a lot like Sully Sullenberger, US Airway “hero”, whom he hates for grandstanding. ” He could have landed that plane in Fla ., the show-off.” Plus I’m better looking. Could be dark horse of tourney with his 10 handicap…… Will his game arrive with him? Probably NOT!!!!!!!

I LIKE IKE/GHENGHIS 100-1 This rookie could be the MOST INTERESTING MAN/KOREAN IN KOREA!!! Playing in his first WDI and hailing from Chicago, Ike owns his own construction company ( From The Ground Up ) with Goldilox bro. A Purdue grad…..he really craves Boilermakers and fine wine, but not mixed together. Loves to travel and play golf. Is Ghenghis Khan look-alike ( if you don’t believe me, look at his recent post ) Will see how this rookie fares in his 1st tourney, especially when he has to get up on table ‘naked’ and sing Purdue’s fight song. Could be another dark horse…..but odds are that he flames out early.

GOLDILOX /CHEESE 101-1 Son-in-law of the Boynemeister and vet of Pittsburgh/Firestone WDI as well as several Snoots, he says these past tourneys have made him toonamint tuff! ” I think I can take the crown in Michigan”, says Goldy. This writer says, NO WAY, CHEESEHEAD. YOU’RE DEAD MEAT!! NICE GUY…GOOD METTLE. ALL THE LADS LIKE HIM—-MAKES HIS OWN CLOTHES. BUT HE HAS BETTER ODDS OF WINNING THE ILLINOIS LOTTERY!!! Retorts Goldy, ” I’m coming to Michigan to kick some Tampa ass…nothing else matters. And if my dad-in-law is in the way, I’d hate to be him!” What is Lauren feeding this dude?

BOYNIE 102-1 Some say he was a 1-shot wonder, when he won at Torrey Pines against a weak field ( 5 of the competitors were 9 yr. olds ) Others say “he shot his wad” or ” there’s nothing left in his tank.” Has had gyro/ass problems in recent months, but after a recent blow-out session with the Cuban Pygmy at Midas Muffler, he could have clean pipes ( so to speak) and revved up swing for 1st time in Mich. Is coming back to his alma mater, where he roomed with Tom Hayden and Jane Fonda back in the turbulent 60s. Just think where he would be NOW, if HE had married Fonda? He’d be dead….Sharon would have shot him ( several times )

NECK 1001-1 The Little Kraut had an uneventful Streamsong WDI this past January coming off that horrific knee injury, suffered at the hands of that Eyetalian extremist. He recovered…even though he was 0-8 in Ryder Cup play at SS. ” At least I was competitive, ” says Neck. ( Doesn’t competitive mean he was shitty, in a nice way? ) Went back to the Homeland this past summer to douse his injured leg in the remedial waters of the Rhine, …..and almost drowned. “Hey, I was in Air Force/Luftwaffe….not the Navy”, claims Little Clam. Met with relatives Great Uncle Adolf Nuechterlein and close cuz , Herman Goring Nuechterlein. Wanted them to instill in him a killer instinct……sort of a Blitzkrieg mentality. HOWEVER, watch out for the little Hun, if he gets hot.

Well there you have it…..an unbiased and completely neutral opinion from one of the best handicappers in history. We’ll see if his pics pan out AND we’ll see you in Frankenmuth on August 25. Get ready for some fine German food, cute frauleins and a lot of ‘short’ people in this city. BTW, I’ve got dibs on the Hansel and Gretel room at the Bavarian Inn. Reminder: a cocktail party…..get together is planned at Little Clam’s house that Sunday evening. Neck wants everyone to bring a dish/booze/box of chicken and $5 bucks each for the live-in maid…..Neck says he’s getting ready to retire and is on a fixed income. Whatever……..

Yours in sports,
Wick E. Wiley

PS….In case ur wonderin, past WDI contestants…..Joebob is on Injured Reserve; the frickin Duke has an injured member ( no not that member ) and on IR also and Kluzie, 2 time winner and unable to vie for rare three-peat is ……in Love!