WINS 1ST WDI @ CHEROKEE/HAWK’S RIDGE
By Wick E. Wiley, ESPN Sports Editor

Grown gay men were CRYING; tasty pre-teen chicks were VYING and ugly fat bitches were TRYING ….to get Joebob’s attention. He really liked the Leopard T-Backs, but couldn’t care less about the huge, tent-sized panties ( with skid marks ) and small tubes of KY jelly, that were being tossed at him, as he walked to the scorer’s tent.

A small smile came over Joebob’s face due to the adulation and he stopped and slowly turned back to the course he just tamed and thought, ” Bob, oh Bob…..you’re not a MOFO anymore.You finally tore off the tag of the Best Golfer To Not Have Won A Major. ” Not even the thought of Denise Agliano holding that damn aluminum trophy, smugly over his head back in ’98 could dampen his mood.

Where are we? Well, we’re in Hotlanta ( actually Roswell, Ga. ) scene of the 39th WDI Tourney…..actually a mini-WDI toonamint. It was quickly scheduled at the last minute due to the WDI’s Exec. Committee’s hastily convened meeting early last week. By a vote of 2-0, with the Neck out of the country, the Exec Committee had sandwiched in a 3-day Hotlanta Mini-WDI Tourney, at Cherokee North and Hawk’s Ridge, scene of this week’s US Open qualifier ( with the 3rd day/course unfortunately scratched ).

Boynie, Broneck, Neck and the frickin’ Duke were AWOL and a visit to the Fish Compound in So. Tampa, found a big, red sign that read, “Gone Fishin”. So the Commish and the Exec. Committee said, “Fuck em, play on”…………. Who were the combatants? Well, first and foremost, there was the sweet-swinging, good-looking Puerto Rican Hawaiian, Kapalua……..fresh off his triple level, low back fusion, w/steel rods and screws, who was recently cleared to play by his Chilean neuro. After shooting 80..81..81 the last 3 times he played from the pink tees at narrow PC, only 2 weeks post-surgery……. he was clearly the favorite in Vegas at 2-1.

Looking quite debonair as usual and sipping on a frosty glass of double-expresso, triple-cream, no foam, no sugar, hold the mayo, chilled latte was the Snoot Doggy Dog…..clearly Dora’s favorite. ( Kapalua called him the Roswell Rat Bastard ) Odds were that he would…fold like an accordion! Next up was the Crazed Czech Kluz, aka Two-Shots, who was attempting a rare 3-peat at the Hotlanta venues. He had not played much in the past few months, due to his new job ( and for that matter, hadn’t had a blow job in a while either ) and his spotty play showed it.

And finally, journeyman and Sicilian Hitman, Joe Babbo who hailed from N.W. Sicily, by way of N.W. Philly and currently lives in N.W. Tampa. His favorite movie? What else, “NORTH BY NORTHWEST! Playing well in his last 20 WDIs, but falling apart like a cheap suit in all of them…..he was anxious to exorcise the demons. “NO MORE MR NICE GUY”, he thought as he downed his 3rd Bloody while waiting to tee off on a gorgeous, cool 68 degree, blue-sky, no clouds day @ Cherokee North.

Partners Kap and 2-Shots leered at their opponents and then, openly jeered, loud enough for everyone to hear, “These schmoos don’t have a fucking chance.” Looking back at them, Snoot and Joebob were pissed. “Let’s show them what we’re made of Joebob,” snapped Snoot. To which Joebob replied quite doctorally, ” Ah Snoot, we’re made of tissue, tendons, bones and blood and……..”Shut up Joebob, let’s beat these miscreants.”

It took ONLY 2 holes and Kapalua was silent, moody and muttering to himself while 2-Shots was trying to stem the dyke, but couldn’t as Snoot and JB shot 84..88 ( to Kap’s 95 and Kluz’s 91 ) to win the 1st days matches. ( Joebob was 0; Snoot -2, Kluz -5 and Kap -12 OUCH )

That nite, as the boys ate delicious lasagna, meata-balls, ceasar salad, a lot of wine and too much desert at Snoot North, compliments of Snoot and Dora the Explorer……Joebob looked steely-eyed. ( Or was he shit-faced ? ) Actually, they ALL looked steely-eyed!!!! At any rate, DAY 2 loomed at Hawk’s Ridge and following a big blubeberry pancake, egg, bacon and Bloody Mary breakfast…..Kapalua and Kluz, renewed and revitalized, jumped out to a sizable lead on the front side, just like the good ol days. They were guffawing loudly at Snoot’s and Joebob’s wayward shots. ” Boy do they suck!!!” Good sportsmanship???????

Joebob, vowing he couldn’t take it anymo’, shot 38 on the tough back nine to Snoot’s 41, and the guffawing ceased. Their brother-in-lawing was outrageous AND they weren’t even related, as they soundly kicked some Euro ass, or maybe Puerto Rican and Czech ass. Since DAY 3 play was cancelled, JoeBabbo waltzed to his 1st WDI crown, with a Final Combined score of +7, followed by Snoot @ -5; Kluz at -8 and a pissed off and morose Kap @-13. The monkey was finally off JB’s back and he bellowed for everyone to hear, ” Now it’s time time to spank that monkey”!…as headed into the locker room( which cleared out pretty fast, if you know what I mean )

With the Michigan fall WDI looming in August, what will Joebabbo do? Will he make a run at WDI immortality? Word is that he might only play one course….venerable Oakland Hills and then fly back. If he does, he faces DQ!!! But if he has a chance to join an elite group of WDI Hall of Famers, who have REPEATED…….will he play? Or will he stay?

OTHER QUESTIONS: Will the Duke be run over in the car pits at Charlotte? Who has dibs on his sticks if he is? Can the Neck regain his form? Will he seek out advice from his Germanic relatives on his summer trip to the Rhine? Will Boynie’s handicap reach 30? Can the sauteed Tilapia make ONE more run? Or will he smell up the kitchen? Is Broneck too old at 82? Where the fuck is Chickamauga? And finally, will Kapalua seek psychiatric help?

These questions and many more will be answered in the months to come.

Your in golf,
Wick E. Wiley

Here is a list of WDI players who have repeated….Most are in WDI Hall of Shame! Noone has 3-peated!
KLUZ…..Feb. ’12 @ Bay Hill and Nov. ’12 @ Innisbrook
FISH……Mar. 08 Bay Hill and May 08 @ Southern Hills
KAPALUA…Sept. 06 @ Mich. and Apr. 07 @ Pinehurst
DUKE…twice…May 09 @ Alabama and Sept. 09 @ Mich; Sept. ’10 @ Oakmont/Firestone and Feb. ’11 @ Bay Hill
BOLT…..twice….June 99@ S. Ireland and May 01 Scotland; NO WDI TOURNEYS in 2000 due to WW1; Aug.05 @ Bandon Dunes and May 06 @ Casa de Campo