THE 2013 WDI RYDER CUP AT STREAMSONG

    THE BLUE VS THE RED ( GREY ??????)

BY Wick Wiley, ESPN Sports Editor

 

It was near dusk on a heavily fortified foothill in southern Maryland, near the small town of Antietam on a beautiful fall day in September 1862. Soon this meadow would be the epicenter of the first major battle of the American Civil War. And one of the bloodiest!

The Confederate General staff huddled close in the chilly, fall wind next to the famous Robert E. Lee; waiting for the great man to speak strategically about the upcoming battle……..General Lee was peering through his field binoculars,  let out a sigh,  put down the field glasses and turned to his Chief of Staff General Stonewall Jackson. ” General,” said Lee. “Why in the fuck did we get grey……did they pick first and choose blue……. but,why grey? I wanted red. Just like those splendid Redcoats back in 1776.”

Stonewall, cleared his throat, then replied rather meekly, “Bobby, they chose blue first, but I thought you liked grey…….hell, your hair and beard is grey…….it goes well with your uniform. I think red is over the top”. “Whatever,” replied Lee.

And so, it has come to pass that for the inaugaural WDI Ryder Cup, it is only fitting that the colors are blue and red, just like Bobby Lee wanted it!!!!!!

With this historical backdrop, the Selection Committee met in “open” session much to the delight of the media, press, ESPN, young punks, horny teen-age babes and other interested observers at the Men’s Grill last week. Their job—to pick the teams for the upcoming Streamsong WDI.

Located only 45 minutes from Tampa, it opened it’s doors last week. Already, in many golf magazines, it is being lauded as the Best New U.S. Courses to play in 2013. ( see Golf Magazine…Dec. 2012 edition ) The Red Course, designed by Crenshaw/Coore was picked by a whisker, as the better course, over the Blue Course designed by Tom Doak. You remember them? They were the architects of widely acclaimed Bandon Dunes near Bend, Oregon.

Accolades have to heaped upon the rather small back and smelly armpits of Commissioner Kapalua, who befriended a down and out friend, Kevin Probst ( his former limo driver, who recently was on hard times ). Introducing him to influential power grabbers and golf affectienados, he turned that kind gesture into the Golf Sales Manager at Streamsong. Returning the favor, Probst invited the WDI to his newly touted Resort. ” I trust you Kap, but having seen and talked with some of your group, could they stay in their rooms after they finish their round. I’m concerned about being seen with them,” asked the Kevster.” Especially, the guy who keeps on yelling, Sit on this Fat Hog”……………………..

Back to Selection Night, as it was called. No there was no Obama/Romney sightings. I said Selection night. Selecting for the Red Team in Tampa, was the combative Duke of Eric, known for his xxx-rated vocabulary, but a 4-time WDI Champ and  hard-nosed veteran of the WDI. Selecting for the Blue Team at Snoot West in Aspen, Colorado, was Jake the Snake….a past 2-time winner who was currently skiing and spending lots of Snoot’s money at the Snoot Chateau. He was present via live hook-up.

Here are the two teams with a little bio of each player:First the BLUE Team.

CHICK GARCIA…aka, the Cuban Midget. Often seen hanging around the hors d’ouvers table at any club he can sneak into. As a low handicapper, he COULD be da man on Singles Sunday, depending where Captain Snake puts him. Being in the middle of nowhere in Redneck country could send the Chickmunk into a depressing state, however…..has to have Cuban food, especially Mom’s piccadillo daily.And Rednecks like to shoot Cubans in that neck of the woods.

KLUZSTER…..Currently, the Raining Champ from the November Innisbrook WDI. Known to fall apart like a Men’s Sportcoat at the Men’s Warehouse….he held on to a rather large lead on Sunday and showed he may be hard to beat. He did beat off, so to speak, the other challengers at Innisbrook, much to their chagrin.

FISH…the large Tilapia is having a good run this fall, with his game and handicap coming around. He could be the swing-man(fish ) for the Red Team. If he’s off……cut him up and feed him to his relatives.

BOYNIE….Another has-been. Was a sentimental pick by the Snake. ” Do I have to take 5, why can’t I just take 4?”said the Snake. Actually, Boynie has been playing a lot better and has seen his handicap plummet from 25 to 24 in recent months. Actually, Boynie shares Most 2d place finishes in past WDIs with 3 other players. Never count the Boynmeister out!!!!!!!

SNOOT….picked last, by an oversight, by his stepson, Snoot replied, “You’d better be out of Snoot Chateau in Aspen by tonite, you little fucker. I’m coming after your ass. Already tension on the Blue team. When asked of his team’s chances, Snoot said, ” That Red team is going get the case of the red-ass after I’m through with them. They are dead meat.” He’s still pissed off…..watch out for the Snoot-Dog when he’s pissed.

And now the Red Team:

KAPAFUCKINGLUA……”Yes, yes, I know….as your fearless leader, I can ONLY be on one team….and it’s going to be the WINNING team. I’d rather be Red than Dead… But I aint no Commie.” And finally, a last quote from the Great One…..” The Blue team name is gonna be changed to Black and Blue when we done with those MOFOS”

NECK…..on injured reserve for most of 2012, he vows to be back in time for the February match. After hearing comments from the Blue team members on how they want to face the aging, rather old and homely Neck on Singles Sunday….the Neck said, ” Boys, stand by. I don’t recommend they spend their Xmas or Hanukah money, because I’m looking forward to some of their action.

BRONECK….” Thanks for the selection, Duke. Not only am I reunited with my baby brother, but also with some of the best players the WDI has seen. As I said as a Captain for American Airlines for many years, to the plane load of passengers before we took off…….Hang on to your seats MOFOs, we’re in for a WILD ride”

JOEBABBO…..”Looks like it’s the Axis Powers versus the Dildos. All I can say is: GAME OVER. I’m personally gonna splash some of my tasty RED spaghetti sauce on Chick’s nice, BLUE shirt AND a meatball on his head.” Looks like  a fired-up Joebob…..and you know what they say, A fired up Joebob is, well……………..fired up.

SNOOT JUNIOR ( ALAN MCNULTY ) The Duke, in a stunning chess-like move picked Snoot Jr. to further divide the Blue team. DUKe…..” Now it’s personal for those schmoos….their team is divided and emotionally drained.” They don’t know what the fuck to do. Replied a normally reserved Snoot Jr…..”Let’s get those RAT BASTARDS.” To which his daddy, Snoot, retorted, ” I know who your momma is!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well there you have it sportsfans, boys and girls, and perverts everywhere. As Julius Ceasar once said, ” The die is cast and we will kill the Blue Team”. See you at Streamsong in Feb. 2013!!!!

Yours in golf,

Wick E. Wiley – ESPN Sports Guru

( Due to the many issues surrounding the 2012 WDI at Innisbrook….3 major stories/issues are headlined below. Thank you for your patience and understanding)

NOV 2012 WDI @ INNISBROOK
( in order of importance )

THE RISE AND FALL OF THE ONCE GREAT SNOOT DOGGY DOG…………THE MYSTERIOUS DISAPPEARANCE OF THE BRONECK………..CRAZED CZECH CLUZ CLOBBERS CHUMPS AT COPPERHEAD
By Wick Wiley, Senior Sports Editor ESPN

The patrol cars were out by early dawn……the large search parties also SPREAD out all across Collier County, checking all dumpsites, lakes and thick wooded areas. The crackling of police radios with APBs alerted every swinging police dick of the disappearance of a VIB….very important Broneck.

One by one, on Friday morning the tips came in: Broneck was seen hawking “hooters” at a Palm Beach “Hooters”; someone saw him getting a lap dance at Mons Venus in Tampa; and another had him flying as a co-pilot on a suspected drug smuggling op out of Colombia. ERGO The question on DAY ONE at the 64th WDI Tourney in beautiful Innisbrook was ” Where the fuck is Broneck?” ( Actually it was also the question on DAY 2 and DAY 3 as well )

His mysterious disappearance and the injured reserve staus of his brother, Little Clam Neck, were the biggest pre-tournament stories of this past week. Overshadowing, so it seemed the great play of the Crazed Czech Cluz, as well as the play of the other schmoos, in this last Major of the Year.

Of course, the Snoot-Dog would have loved no reporters/photographers to be in his vicinity on the final day. NO ONE, in a range of 250 yards in ALL directions was safe from this now fading, former WDI star. For instance, if he was teeing off on No. 1…..golfers on 10 tee; cart cracks on #2 fairway; waiters in Packard’s fine restaurant; joggers running near the 10th green on the Island Course and birds and small animals everywhere were in imminent danger!!!

Slicing and dicing his way to a front nine 53, he did manage to right the ship on the back for a 41 ( 94 ). But the damage had been done. Snooter went from near contention in 3rd place to being very contentious, and out of the tournament and in 5th place. PER QUA??? No one really knows——-was it the 4 grande triple espressos, no foam ( hold the mayo ) he quaffed down every morning OR was it the poisonous venom ( aka Kettle One ) made with Bloody Mary mix, Cranberry juice or hell, just straight OR simply put, was it a brain fart—that non-smelly, yet lethal loss of ALL athletic functions when it comes to swinging a large club-like object at a small white ball. NO ONE KNOWS ( but it could be all 3 )

Kluz was “happy as a pig in shit” that the media/press was focusing their energies to a missing Broneck and Snoot’s missing swing. He quietly posted an 88 on Thursday afternoon, good enough for a 1st round lead tied with the Floundering Grouper @ -3; then kept his position on the lead through the weekend even with uncharacteristic bad slices, poor chipping and lousy putting ( WTF…..HE WON ???? ) to an overall victory at -1.

Tilapia-Man couldn’t sustain his start…..as he fell to 2d on Friday at the Island and then, his gills full of Cakebread Cab, ruptured on the South Course ( 101) sending him free-falling to 5th place and out of contention as well. He recovered on Sunday to shoot 89, and come in 4th place…..he also won the 2MAN ALL WEEK bet with Kluz. Angry fans were yelling….. Charlie—–you big Tuna!!!!

And what about the pre-tourney favorites: Chickamauga and that good-looking, sweet-swinging Puerto Rican Hawaiian, Kapalua? Kap started out of the gate, quickly, which is his M. O., with a 86 and (-4 ) tied for 2d with Snooter. But feeling the repercussions of eating 13 ganja-laced brownies, he imploded on Friday……shooting 95 and sending shock waves to his many fans and fannies. Young, tasty t-backed, teens were tearing up w/ purple -stained mascara running down their cheeks. Kap, however, found his game ( laddie ) on the weekend and shot 84–84 to come in 3rd, one shot behind the Chickmunk.

The Chickmunk, however, dug himself a deep hole ( that he couldn’t climb out of…..being only 4 foot 1)…… with a 85 on Thursday and was last at -8. But,after a sterling 75 on the South Course on Saturday, he was inching up the leaderboard and was only 5 stokes back of Kluz in 2d place going into the finale on Sunday. Lack of stamina caused by 3 sleepless nites, thanks to Snoot’s snoring, nightmares consisting of astronauts smothering him and lack of consistent play on Sunday at Copper doomed his chances…..as he wound up 2nd… seven strokes back of Kluz.

He immediately left the course POed….bypassing the trophy presentation clusterfuck on the 18th green and headed for the nearest Olive Garden, to 1. drown his sorrows with a couple strong Arnold Palmers and 2. get the Early Bird Special for Seniors.( the poor guy has to eat earlier than Neck )

P.F. Chang ( aka Paul Par ) was vying to become 2012 Rookie of the Year, but tried a little bit too hard and took way too many catcalls from the gallery for General Zuos Chicken, which really pissed him off. This writer thinks that the episode of him going into the crowd at 17th green with his 6 iron, probably blew his chances for the award. Or was it due to too many Gran Mariners?????

Joebabbo, actually got of to a semi- good start on Thursday with an 90 for a -5 and 3rd place. But after being informed that NO Eyetalian food would be served for Thursday nites dinner…..he became belligerent; then irritable; then utterly disconsolate. His score on the Islands Course on Friday ( 105 ) reflected his mood; destroyed his confidence and he limped in at 6th place with a -23 overall. Even spooning with his roomie, Kapalua, couldn’t cheer him up!!

The Kluzster was basking in the limelight of his 2nd consecutive WDI victory answering questions by sportswriter, celebrities and bimbos and pretty much becoming everyone’s NEW bestest friend. ALL the companies were there fawning all over him with new endorsements: Nike, Callaway, Trojan, Viagra, 2 Gay Men and a Truck and AA.

“Excuse me Johnny Boy, ” ( you know after Johnny Football ) said the buxom blonde babe from the Golf Channel, “Can you 3-peat at Streamsong next year?” “Are you kidding me, ” laughed Kluz, “those schmoos are dead meat! I’m going for history, baby!!!”

A slumped over Snoot-Dog, hurriedly walked to his ’96 VW Jetta ( his sponsors had quickly repossessed his nice new Jeep, after he 3-putted 18 ) leering at the masses surrounding Glamor-Boy Kluz, as he jealously called him…….and winced. Then he yelled to the crowd…and as they turned to face him, Snoot took his broken putter, mimicked masterbating it and shot a big wad of flem from his mouth….And said, “SIT ON THIS BIG FAT HOG, YOU MOFOS ”

As Snoot sped out of Innisbrook, followed closely by 6 Innisbrook Security vehicles and 5 Pinellas County Impound vans……no one noticed a short, elderly Germanic man wearing a faded yellow WDI cap, walking through the Innisbrook gate, carrying his sticks and looking thoroughly fatigued. He also looked remarkably like a Nuechterlein…………………………..

Yours in Sports,

Wick E. Wiley

P.S. See you all at Streamsong on Feb. 7, 2013 for the 1st Major of 2013….and toasting Honorary WDI member Kevin Probst. No one has WON 3 in a row. Can Kluz do it? Past history has shown 5 players w/consecutive victories…..but no 3-peat. BOLT did it twice in 99 ( Ireland) and 01 Scotland ( No tourney in 00 due to WWII ) and 05 Bandon Dunes and 06 Casa de Campo. KAPALUA in 06 Michigan and 07 Pinehurst; FISH 08 Bay Hill and Southern Hills, Tulsa and THE DUKE 09 Alabama and MIchigan. And of course Kluz.

FINAL TALLY
1. KLUZ……89..87..87..88 -1
2. CHICK….86..85..75..82 -8
3. KAPALUA. 86..95..84..84 -9
4. FISH ……..92..92..101..89 -13
5. SNOOT…86..93..83..96 -17
6. JOEBOB.90..105..86..96 -23
7. PAUL PAR.95..99..95..97 -25
8. BRONECK …………….86 DQed

2MAN ALL WEEK
1. FISH AND KLUZ…..-20
2. kAP AND SNOOT…-25
3. CHICK AND JOEBOB..-29
4. FLYNN AND BRONECK…-35