It was early Monday morning on the Mediterraen Sea outside of Portofino, Italy. The super yacht, HONEY BADGER, bobbed lazily on the sparkling azure water—sea gulls floated effortlessly on the cool, crisp wind over the boat and the air tasted like a fresh cup of java—-and that’s just what the bronze-faced fat man had for breakfast—a double grande capuccino along with his two perfectly poached eggs and one thin slice of whole wheat toast.
Then he received the CALL–from his Las Vegas office which ruined his morning and perhaps changed his life forever! The caller told Jimmy the Geek that someone had placed a 1k bet on that washed-up Kraut–THE NECK, at Kiawah with the odds at 3 trillion ton one—-AND WON!!!!!! DISASTER!!! WTF!!!! How could this happen? He hadn’t won SQUAT since Pinehurst in 1997!!
Speaking of SQUAT—that’s just what the short, homely, SQUAT Kraut did—much to the chagrin of the other WDI competitors. It was vintage Tom Watson in 2010 at the British Open–ONLY this time the veteran WDIer closed the deal in stirring fashion. But, it didn’t start out that way. First of all, pre-tourney favorite, the Duke, had just been KOed in the crotch by his soon-to-be ex-Sexretary, Shady Shannon O’Toole, days before the tournament and had left Tampa with ALL the Duke’s charge cards and bank account numbers. Can you say SCREWED? Duke put out an APB and then had no choice to WD from the WDI. ( His associate, Stevie Sideberns suited up for play immediately and left for Charleston as the Duke’s sub )
That left the toilet door open, so to speak, for the Kluzster ( 2011 Rookie of the Year ) and 7-1 odds favorite and 4-time Chump, I mean Champ….Kapalua, the good-looking, sweet-swinging Puerto-Rican Hawaiian. However, Kluz, a fan favorite in his native Hungary, apparently wasn’t HUNGRY enough to vie for the title. After his surprise second place finish in the Birmingham WDI in May of this year, all the calls for interviews by Golf Channel, ESPN Live, NBC, CBS and all the talk shows especially Johnny Carson, had sapped his strength—and he never recovered.
Kapalua, the cagey vet, smelled victory in the air ( or was it gas from his roomie Joe Bob ) and immediately made the most of it—-shooting 84 ( on the famed Ocean Course ) and 84 ( Osprey Point ) to lead the 30th WDI after both the first and second rounds at +2. Close BEHIND his BEHIND in second place was the Duke’s sub, Stevie Sideberns at -1…..and tied for third were the Germanic Neck Brothers at -6.
Boynie, after a horrendous start ( 98-96 ) was 6th after 2 rounds, Joebob ( 95-98 )..7th and in last place was the frickin’ Snoot Doggy Dog ( 83-96 ) who simply said, ” I don’t give a shit, if I’m in last.” ( sounds suspiciously like the Honey Badger ) Things looked doubtful for the other 7 schmoos as Kapalua was in OVERDRIVE –hitting fairways and greens in the howling winds of Kiawah; laughing out loud at errant shots by Snoot, Neck and Boynie ( YOU GUYS SUCK ) and quaffing down generous amounts of $250 Silver Oak Cabernets at dinner. WHEN, all of a sudden on Day 3 at Turtle Point, just as ol Kapalua was ready to extend his lead and DOMINATE—SHIT HAPPENED!
According to this reporter, who caught wind of a conspiratorial story coming out of those plush Kiawah villas—–while it wasn’t like the Lincoln conspiracy, it was CLOSE!! You see, on the evening before DAY 3 at beautiful Jasmine Porch restaurant while eating low-country blue crab chowder, shrimp and grits, pan-seared Wreckfish and cauliflower fritters with spicy vidalia onion aioli, Snoot and Attorney Nuechterlein conspired to take down the Kapster. Added Joebob, ” I went to the bathroom during the meal and overhead what sounded like Snoot and Attorney Nuechterlein in one of the stalls exchanging money—-I thought it was related to a upcoming lawsuit, but then again it could’ve been for other services!” UGH!!
Whatever! Together they filed 2 lawsuits–AT DINNER– one lawsuit was to “directly implicate Kapalua in a handicap-shaving scheme in order to undermine his effectiveness” and the 2d lawsuit added Joebob and SteveO, villa roomies—“for intentionally causing irreparable harm and shame, disrupting his ( Snoot’s ) ability to enjoy himself and play competitive golf by SHOVING Snoot into the tiniest bedroom in Villa Italiano.”
How small was it? Well, no one could quite figure out how they managed to place a BED in that broom closet, ah room. But, hey, it wasn’t all that bad: Snoot could sit on the john and 1) brush his teeth 2) take a shower 3) turn on the TV and 4) phone a friend. ( That was moot since he don’t have no friends)
Well, it seems like the legal wranglings eventually took a mental toll on ol Kapalua with” all that hollering and gesturing about his inlflated handicap and suing and such.” So much so, that Kapalua sliced and diced his way to a 94 ( 4 doubles and 3 triples ) @ Turtle Point, dropping him all the way down to 3rd place at -8, after Day 3.
For Joebob and Kluz and SteveO, it wasn’t the legal process or the Kiawah wind—-it was the combo platter; that is the delicious fare of sauteed scallops in lobster sauce on a bed of arugula and WAY TOO MUCH vino at the Peninsular Grill in Charleston. They ALL limped in with scores in the 90s realizing they were all dead meat! As a result of their dismal showing, many pre-teen European babes, after glimpsing their scores on the leaderboard, quickly left the Island on their way back to Hungary and Italy, respectively: shouting “You guys no good. You lie. You tell us you’re ONLY going to stick the head in……..”
Retorts Kluz, ” All they wanted was a rich golfer to suck money from–now that we’re out of the running, they’re fair-weather fans. Screw them ( that may have already happened ) I don’t give a shit. ” In his very best Honey Badger accent!
Now as Sunday morning ( DAY 4 ) loomed, two aging battle-hardened Krauts ( WW 1 and WW 2 )were poised at the top of the leaderboard–Neck at -2 and Broncek at -4. Born and raised by parents, Adolf and Gertrude Nuechterlein in Berlin, Germany and trained to be top-notch Blue-Max Messerschmidt pilots–nothing, it seemed, could stop the upcoming ” BLITZKRIEG” ! As both veteran lads were reminiscing over their breakfast of hardtack and water, they thought back to their upbringing in Germany in the 30s—their early Wehrmacht training; eating boar and being bored with their pudgy Uncle Herman Goring on hunting trips; playing spin the bottle with Auntie Eva Braun and eating pork and sauerkraut almost nightly. What memories! Could it be a German sweep? JAVOHL!!
Up at 4am on Day 4 at the famed Ocean Course again ( and site of the 2012 PGA ), the lads ran 5.5 meters, did 30 minutes of calisthenics, hit 500 practice balls ( apiece ) and wore identical Teutonic colors— yellow shirts, khaki pants and blue baseball caps with a big yellow M on them. They were ready with Kapalua out of sync and Boynie in his usual funk, to conquer the Island and did. They played flawlessly to a 1—2 finish and completed a German SLam. And the younger Neck brother ( only 68 ) won for the first time in 14 years. Tom Watson would have been proud!
Wick Wiley
P.S. Achtung! Achtung! The Handicap Committee is scheduled to meet in double secret session @ The Breakers in West Palm Beach in January 2012, to discuss handicaps for the next WDI. Included in the agenda, is a certain WDIer, whose name we can’t divulge ( he lives in Michigan ) who DOESN’T have a home handicap. Calls for swift action and possible DQ remedies will be discussed at this meeting. ALL members of Italian heritage are urged to attend.
FINAL SCORE
1. NECK….88-91-84-82 +2
2. BRONECK…89-82-83-88 -9
3. KAPALUA…84-84-94-89 -10
4. BOYNIE…..98-96-91-95 -12
5. STEVEO….90-80-94-93 -17
6. SNOOT……83-96-86-89 -18
7. KLUZ………91-95-95-101 -27
8. JOEBOB….95-98-96-105 -30