Well, sports fans and boys and girls of all ages, it looks like the current
trend of foreign golfers vying to win the last Major of the year continues.
We’ve got 3 Krauts, 2 Wops, I Mick, 1 Pollock/Czech mix and a Russian Jew?
Who’s it going to be? Their accommodations are as follows: in the Mongrel/Melting
Pot Villa are the Neck bros and Boynie and Kluz……in the Italian Villa are
Kap and Joebabbo and Duke and Snoot. With the help of my good friend Jimmy the Geek, fresh off his Mediterraen cruise, we will attempt to handicap the field for the 45th WDI Championship @ Kiawah. In the words of Brent Nurdberger, it promises to be a dandy!!!!
KLUZ—– 5-1

Pulled a Jason Dufner himself at Birmingham WDI in May of this year and except
for the 2-day suicide watch at Birmingham Memorial Hospital has seemed to
recently snap out of his doldrums. His 10 shot lead with 2 to play leading to
his monumental meltdown could be a WDI record!

But, undergoing a strict regime of psychotherapy under the guidance of the good
doc, James Edgar, ( who has problems of his own ) has him going in the right
direction. Says Kluz, ” I enjoy Dr. Edgar’s soothing advice, except when
he gets pissed and starts waving his .357 Magnum around. ” Just keep the
Zoloft and Ambien and any sharp objects away from the Kluzster and he just may
contend and……win.
SNOOTER—-6-1

What can you say about the Snootdog—-the face of the WDI!!!!! He’s done it
all— co-founder back in ’73; one of the first Major winners; down and out
after years of shitty golf; talked off a ledge in Manhattan ( and Raleigh and
Atlanta ) in 02-03-04; voted “Comeback Player of the Year in 2009 after 2
sterling wins and a 2d; and voted WDI Man of the Decade by his peers ( actually
Joe and Mary Peers ) BTW—that award is still being disputed by
several of the WDI Tour vets…..more on that later.

Lately, commuting between 3 homes in Tampa, Atlanta and Aspen may be
taking its toll on the Snootdog—sapping his strength, so to speak. To which
he replied ” WAT DA BE, WILL BE! ” ( Whatever the fuck that means )
But you can’t count the affable Scot/Irish gent out, UNLESS you can get
him SNOOTFACED!!!!!!!
DUKE—-7-1

A lot of question marks swirl around the big guy from Stuttgart, Germany by way
of Knottingham, England, where he grew up as a privileged child. Thinks
he’s royal and he’s right——-a ROYAL pain in the ass. Some questions
include his health……low back in particular, since he was DUKED out by a
couple of burly bouncers in a Ybor City bar in July. Can he retain the form
that captured 4 Commissioner’s Trophies over a 8  tourney schedule. Some
say, this writer in particular, that he WILL NOT pull off a 5th win,
( a la Tiger ‘s quest to tie Jack ) which would tie him with the Bolt
for most wins in WDI history. One positive for him—-he’s got some downtime
w/Bogey before Kiawah next month.

KAPALUA—-8-1

Since turning the big  six-o, a few years back, the good-looking,
sweet-swinging Peurto Rican Hawaiian has been lighting up Tampa Bay area
courses. However, has been ineffective at closing the deal in the past 10
Majors…..since his last win at Pinehurst in 07. A quick starter out of the
gates, whose mere presence evoked startling gasps and shivers of fear from his
fellow competitors in the past…….he’s not as feared as he used to be.

An anonymous WDI vet ( aka Snootdog ) retorts: ” Kapalua is a GOOD, ( not
great ) Country Club player, BUT he aint no friggin WDI threat ANY-MO. Why
doesn’t he just finish out his playing career at Rocky Point….or the Babe?
”  Touche, Snoot. This reporter would LOVE to be there at the Ocean
Course when they tee it up. Could Snoot’s harsh criticism of the venerable
Kapalua spur him on to greater heights? Or will he fall on his face in a heaping
plate of pasta?
BRONECK—-10-1

Still pissed that Sully Sullenberger got more press for landing the USAir
jet in the river off NYC, than he did after 25 years at
AMERICAN,……….however,his anger management lessons are going great. The
“only” WDI golfer over 80 ……is Father Age catching up with
Broneck. Does he have anything left in his tank? Has retirement softened him
up? Or is he just baiting us….ready to pounce like a “panzer” when
we least expect it?  Tune in to ESPN Esportes @ 4 am on Oct. 13 and find
out if the “The Old Ball Captain ” still has it.

BOYNIE——a trillion to 1 ( US deficit? )

Had a big year in 2011. Lost  110 pounds………how, well he married off
his lovely daughter Lauren to a past and future up and coming
WDIer….Goldeelox!!!!  But, then he gained Number 2 son. However, Mr.
Shankopottomas’s problems are getting worserer. First, it was “Shank
City” within 100 yards of the green………NOW, you’re not safe unless
you stand 10 yards DIRECTLY behind him on ANY shot. May also have to see Dr.
Edgar with Kluz——gotta be a mental thing. Hard to believe he was
Doctor-Lawyer Athlete of the Year in ’81 when he was 50. Oh, and ask Dr. Edgar
for the WDI discount.

JOEBOB—–2trillion to one ( our deficit next year )

Finally got a chance to show off his golfing skills following a 10-month layoff
in May @ Birmingham. Actually, got out of the chute fast with a sizzling front
9….37 with 3 birdies at Old Overton and co-led the tourney after Day One.
But, after a few Jack and Gingers that nite, he faded like a pair of overwashed
bluejeans. Says he will be ready for the howling winds of Kiawah and the
howling snoring of roomie Kapalua. But due to continued swelling and pain in
his right shoulder, he can ONLY SPOON on his left side, which bothers Kapalua,
due to his left shoulder problems. What a bunch of schmoos! His strategy for
the tourney…..stay off the booze and Ambien and he may be a contender!!!!!!!

NECK—-3trillion to one

Written off by renowned sports writers for the past several years, the Neck,
armed and dangerous as ever, has something to prove. And he’s doing it
quietly—–since the Sept. 09 Michigan WDI—he’s finished no lower than 3rd
or 4th in each tourney. Snapped the Neck, ” I’ve been taking a hard,
merciless beating by the press for years, in particular that weally, wiley,
wascal, WILEY. I’m sick and tired of that prick kicking sand in my face,
dadgummitt!”

Says this reporter, YOU THINK THAT SCARES ME???  BRING IT ON , LITTLE MAN!
Looks like fireworks next month…can’t wait to watch it on late nite TV, right after Gunsmoke reruns. And by that time the Neck will be fast asleep.

So there you have it sports fans, an honest evaluation of the somewhat erratic,
dysfunctional group of golfers coming to the beaches of South Carolina. Let’s
see if the GEEK was ‘right on’ with his picks. My pick is that the ONLY War on
the Shore is who’s picking up the drink tab….hah. Oh, that’s right, Denise
and Pete won’t be there.

Yours in golf,

Wick Wiley

P.S. Next year’s venue….either Chicago or Colorado…both of which would be really great!!!! We’re counting on Goldeelox and Bernie to prepare a great rip in Chi-town
AND/OR Kluz/Fish to do the same in Colorado!!!!!!!