Sound familiar? News of a well-known dead Islamic terrorist? No, it was actually a Golf Channel Special Report…..”The Duke of Eric has been suspended from the upcoming Alabama WDI due to a significant rule violation–18e sub f, page 12…….CONSORTING WITH DOGs.”

 

   According to a Golf Channel confidential source, a ‘courier’ ( maybe Jim Courier ) was followed from the Dukes residence in the early hours of a cool April nite, where he was intercepted by Golf Police and interrogated. This surreptituous stop led to the Duke’s suspension immediately, thus making him ineligible to vie for a ” record ” 3rd consecutive WDI Trophy.

 

Comments from  shaken WDI Tour players:  Joebob—were these dogs from MONS VENUS?

The Neck—– couldn’t the Duke have placed bags over the heads of these dogs? Snoot—-I hope the Golf Police aren’t coming after me—Snootdog’s only a nickname. C’mon! Honest!  Boynie—someone recently said that his game was going to the ‘dogs’. I guess they meant that literally. Bogey the Dog—WOOF ! WOOF! WTF?

 

    Commissioner Kapalua broke the news to a tearful and distraught Dukester, who after hearing from the Commish, licked his balls, ran out of the house, lifted his leg as he passed the WDI trophy and sprinted down the street after a black Subaru. No one has seen him since and we checked the Dog Pound twice!

 

   Since the suspension is only temporary ( 60 days ), we’ll see how a re-invigorated Duke plays in the final WDI Major in the fall ( venue yet to be decided ) As for the Alabama WDI contestants…here is my good friend Jimmy the Geek’s prediction/odds of the rather odd field!

 

KAPALUA  3-1.. has to be the odds-on favorite after the Duke’s demise. Has been en fuego ( HOT ) all spring at PC where he tore up the course, so to speak. Now PCs all tore up because of his game. However, tried a ‘new’ secret driver—and had a couple bad rounds. Could it be a harbinger of things to come for the sweet-swingin, good-looking Puerto-Rican Hawaiian OR is he trying to lull everyone to sleep? Only the Shadow knows…..but hasn’t won since Pinehurst  07. Looking for redemption.

 

JAKE THE SNAKE  5-1…Snooter’s step-son, who in his 1st tournament as a rookie in S. W. Ireland, won the vaunted WDI Trophy…albeit against a small field ( he and Johnny Weghlan ) But, will shoulder surgery last fall be a major hindrance to his long game? Youngest player in the field lacks experience of major tour play—-but possesses a complete game. Is it a negative that his in-laws live in Birmingham? Will it be a distraction? Jake, can you change the baby’s shitty diaper? Jake, can you babysit from midnight til dawn? Jake, blah, blah, blah…….

 

SNOOTER  7-1….last time WDI Tour played in Alabama in 09, it jumpstarted his legendary career, which had been in hibernation since Atlanta ‘ 65. On the verge of financial ruin, his co-championship with Duke sent him on a torrid pace of championship golf, heretofore never seen on the WDI Tour. Of course, he folded like a cheap tent from Army Surplus in Michigan in 2010 after leading 179 out of 180 holes of golf…….but that’s another story. ( Actually Wick received the Pulitzer Writing Award for his insightful article about Snoot’s collapse ) Could be a factor at Shoal Creek et al , if he lays off the vodka, coffee, wine, cigars, marijuana, cocaine, heroin, etc. etc.

 

BOYNIE AKA MR. SHANKOPOTTAMOS…..10-1…..Poster child for the recently maligned uncoordinated golf athlete ( we can’t use harmful words anymore like homo, retard, dickwad etc. ) You think he’s ready to strike the ball, but he’s looking into the club’s parking lot OR rockin the baby. WTF ?  With 18 handicap, could do some serious damage if he plays to it and everyone falls apart. NOT  Since winning in the fall of 07 at Torrey Pines ( destroying Kapalua’s bid for a 3-peat,…. rotten bastard) has not come in the TopTen for the past 32 tournaments. He could be the Jewish dark horse of the tournament of which he’s the only Jewish player ( unless Goldeelox would want to pay me an undisclosed amount of $$$$$$ for entry into Alabama WDI? …..I’ll take shekels………)

 

KLUZ  12-1 …..making his 1st appearance on the WDI Tour, at age 50, after toiling in mediocrity on the Nationwide Tour for the past 24 years. Has been out of touch for so long, he finally rode on an airplane, used a cellphone and traded in his hickory golf set. He recently exclaimed last week that he was sorry to hear about Prez Osama’s demise…..whoa, where has he been? If he plays well on that sponsor’ exemption…could be his big break? NOT!!! Hails from California where he partied w / Bertrando of Mille Fleur’s fame. But, recently expelled after he was caught staring at Denise’s large American tits by Bertrando’s henchmen. Landed on his feet in Tampa…could be a great feel-good story.

 

FISH  100-1   the Big Tuna had a banner year in 08 when he won twice—but has since, missed the cut in his last 16 majors. Has age finally caught up with the Grappling Grouper? He needs to find his game in Alabama OR he may join Herr Mitzell in the legendary golf underworld ( that’s where you go when you really suck ) Recently, however has been seen smashing his new / old Titleist driver all over Hill. County. Could he be back or will he be a ‘fish’ out of water?

 

NECK  2000-1  too much travel / work and no golf has been the Neck’s trademark for the past year. Has more air miles than OJ and Snoot together and is easily recognizable as the short, stodgy mustachioed gent who runs through airports dodging elderly people or in some cases, just running over the poor old bastards, without his short, stubby feet barely lifting off the ground…..yelling blitzkrieg, achtung and BMW. Thinks his game has FINALLY turned around since the Orlando WDI this past Feb…..and still believes in the Tooth Fairy as well. Odds are that he will finish……………………….last!

 

JOEBOB   3000-1  first tournament play since his devastating injury in July 2010. Many unanswered questions swirl about him. Can he overcome severe shoulder injury and play up to his MVP Rookie of the Year in 2007 potential? Best young player not to have won a Major—rumor has it that he may have an implantable ‘ bionic ‘ shoulder. We’ll see. Rooming / spooning with Kapalua could be a big plus….for Kapalua. He won at Pinehurst in 07 thanks to Joebob’s expert medical treatment for his spider bite…..didn’t know there was a conspiracy. After tournament play in Alabama….ready to open Joebob’s Club in many cities near you. 

 

So there you have it sports fans, a complete ‘honest’, unbiased prediction of the ALABAMA WDI. I’d like to thank Wick for inviting me to add to his fine journalistic story. I’d also like to plug my new column, coming out in SI next month….Who’s Hot / Who’s Not…it’s my view of the babes on Clearwater Beach in Florida and it promises to be a doozy.

 

Tune in to ESPN 69 to catch some of the best shots of this years tourney……maybe Snoot laying on the curb, passed out. Kapalua and Joebob trying to shove dollar bills down the thongs of the famous B’ham Cheetah dancers. Kluz looking klueless standing in the fairway…naked. And many more.

 

And see my article about the Alabama WDI results  by clicking on www.wtf.com or try tweeting me with questions or comments….just not after midnight. See ya in B’ham at the Hot and Hot Fish Club….let’s hope Hochman doesn’t show up.

 

Yours in sports,

WICK WILEY