The struggle was brief and then there was silence.

The bespectacled middle-aged gent was lying face down, straddled on the black and white tiled bathroom floor, with one hand pulled behind his back. Joebob held his ankles and Duke, all 6’10” of him, sat on his torso, as Kapalua groped and strained to take the sharp razor out of his hands, all the while mindful of not spilling this man’s coffee. And to make matters worse–he was naked as a jaybird. However, in the process of this melee, the bespectacled man’s venti triple-espresso latte wlo foam was knocked over. Too bad!

What was worse? Standing nude in a Bay Hill bathroom, with pictures of Arnie staring at you, holding a straight razor at your gonads or knocking over your fresh Starbuck’s brew? How had this come to be? I think we all knew 73-92 after 2 rounds was pretty bizarre, but what caused Snoot’s meltdown? Could it have been caused when a whole tub of cold water cascaded onto Snoot’s lap the night before at Antonio’s Ristorante and seeing his dinner-mate Kapalua, minutes later wince, as the sleek blackhaired waiter (AKA the Slasher) almost knocked out his teeth out with cheap Chinese dinnerware?

As a ruffled and forlorn Snoot sat up, surrounded by his pals, he silently cursed his situation. “You know, I’ve been haunted by my collapse at the Michigan WDI for the past 4months——daily nightmares of Duke making his birdie putt on 18 and then laughing hysterically at me; the Tour players whispering behind my back when I enter the locker room; sponsors avoiding me like the plague and my dog licking his balls whenever I go to the bathroom.” Then he shook his head and placed it gently into the palm of his hands.

Who says the WDI has no drama! The list of golfers who vie to qualify on the WDI Tour is growing. For instance, Keith” The Kid” Hiatt, a past WDI Finalist in Ireland in ‘08 and the first alternate, was knocking around at Orange County on Thursday prior to the first tee-time, hoping one of the schmoes, like Denise or Neck would drop out. The large-headed man, Briggsey, was in a semi-vegetative state, sitting by his cell-phone in the PC Men’s Grill, also hoping to get that call from Commissioner Kapalua, exempting him from qualifying so that he could enter the tourney. But, there was no room in the manger, so to speak. “We would love to give our Tour more profile on TV, but we have to draw the line somewhere. Who wants to watch a large potato head bobble up and down the fairways for 18 holes. No one, I guess, except Mrs. Potato Head,” explained the perplexed Commish.

But alas, everyone showed up for the first tee-time…..well, almost everyone. Mudman was lost in a large sinkhole on I-4 and had to be extracted from it by a group of school kids. And Snoot was waiting in line at a Starbuck’s for his 14th cup of Java for the day and simply lost track of time.

What a FIRST day it turned out to be. 99-1 shot Mudman, after finally arriving at Crooked Cat, shot a sparkling 75 and +6 quota points.1000-1 shot Blather Neck, playing like Tom Watson at last year’s British Open, surprised his critics, especially Jimmy the Geek, by opening with a superb 81 and a +6 also. Duke, everyone’s favorite to WIN 3 consecutive WDls for the first time in history shot 76 and a +1. And then Bay Hill, for rounds 2 and 3, reared it’s ugly head and the scores went tumbling. Perennial fan favorite, Kapalua, and leading money winner in ‘09, shot 82–84–93 and was a GONER. Last year’s champ, the Menace, wasn’t menacing anymore as the tough Bay Hill course ate his lunch. (Which pissed off Dennis because he had already paid for it ) Duke–Boynie–Lil Petey–Broneck–Galen all floundered as well, as they fell victim to Arnie’s Creation. (of course it could also have been the 14 bottles of wine for the first 2 nites, cigars and whiskey).

At the conclusion of round 3 at Bay Hill, as the players were converging on the practice green for their “nighttime putting contest”, out of the blue, a resurgent Snooter shows up. (he had been hibernating in his room after day 2, surrounded by his shrink, Dr. James Edgar; his pastor, the good Father Molester and 3 ‘nice’ girls from Club Cheetah in Orlando).

With a huge, WAT DA BE and the pals converging, chest-bumping and high fiving all-around—Snoot blurted out he was “caffeine free” for the past 20 minutes and ready to compete. “I am not going to fold like the Snooter of old or like Kapalua in Palm Springs in ‘95 or like the ‘67 Mets”, he blurted out. So with all his baggage floating around his brain, the Snoot heads out, not only, to battle his closest competitors—Joebob, Fish and Mudman, but also the brisk 40 mph winds at tough Panther Lake.

Joebob, vying to become the”Comeback Player of the Year” PLAYED HIS GUTS OUT TO SHOOT 81. The Fish, flopping around like a giant Peruvian sea bass and 1000-1 Blather Neck had remarkable days to end up tied for 3rd. What about Snoot? Goodbye demons–goodbye Edgar–goodbye Fr. Molester–HELLO CHEETAH GIRLS!!!!! He shoots 82 to win by 7 over a hard-charging Joebob. What a finish!!!!!!!!!!

Rick Reilly

FINAL SCORES

1          SNOOT          +4        73-92-82-82

2          JOEBOB        -3         87-89-87-81

3          NECK             -5         81-95-92-81

3          FISH               -5         93-86-93-90

5          MUDMAN      -7         75-87-84-81

6          BOYNIE          -10      90-94-90-90

7          KAPALUA     -11      82-84-93-88

7          PETE              -11      84-84-85-84

9          DENISE         -14      84-101-96-97

10        DUKE             -15      76-84-79-82

11        BRONECK    -18      83-85-89-84

12        GALEN           -19      90-98-97-93

TWO MAN TEAMS

NECK AND SNOOT             -1

JOEBOB AND MUDMAN    -13

KAPALUAAND FISH           -16

PETE AND BOYNIE             -21

DUKE AND DENISE            -29

BRONECK AND GALEN    -37

THE DUKE OF ERIC (2-1)

Gotta give the big guy the edge, has won last 2 WDls in Alabama and Michigan in ‘09; the last one on the last hole with a birdie. Only issue is emotional instability—can he “beat-off” his personal demons to win an unprecedented 3rd consecutive. Never been done before. Thinks Frank Nobilo is his hero. Nobilo, on the other hand hates him.

SNOOTDOG (3-1)

Tied with Duke for 1st place honors in Alabama in ‘09 and continued his hot streak by leading Michigan WDI last Sept. for 179 holes, until hole 180 (we all know what happened). Of course, some say (M. Mudano) having his handicap increase to 10 certainly has helped. Strength training and yoga seems to have paid off in ‘09—-lost weight, only drinks 4 Jessies a day. Plans to sabotage roomie/competitor, Duke, by deliberately forgetting his sleep apparatus. The sun could shine on the Snootdog’s ass on Sunday if his plans go w/o a hitch.

DENISE aka THE MENACE (4-1)

You can’t count out The Menace after last year’s SURPRISE win. Already gesturing via e-mail that’s he’s the man to beat (I would too, if I had 18 pops). Barely lost WDI Golfer of the Year Award to the Duke by 759 votes (out of 760). If you think you’ve figured out a way to beat him by stealing his 7-iron think again—-in his bag he has a 23 yr. old wooden driver, a 22 yr. old 5 wood and eight (8) 7-irons. Finished 9th in ‘08 with scores of 98, 95, 104 and 93. Won in ‘09 with scores of 88, 84, 90 and 97. So which Denise will show up– the one with the fat ass and smelly crotch OR the one with the shaved pussy and big tits? Tune in.

BOYNIE (5-1)

Last year finished in a tie w/Kapalua and has followed that up with a strong December at PC. A former champ who fell on hard times (and hard golf carts) wants to prove he’s no 1-win wonder (although we know he is). Only problem–his handicap has dropped to a respectable 15, which means he has NO chance at all. But, even Boynie can beat Mudano.

KAPALUA (6-1)

Who can count out the good-looking Sicilian/Puerto Rican/Hawaiian? Not me. Finished 3rd at Bay Hill in ‘08 as an 11, 2nd in ‘09 as a 10. Ok, ok, ok—when he last won at Pinehurst in ‘07, he was a 14. At that time, rumors of his assassination (look at ‘07 Reilly article re: brown recluse spider bite) were rife. Playing to a 10 now probably has decreased his chances of winning (look at all the sandbaggers on WDI tour) but has increased his chances of staying alive. If he gets “en fuego”—Iook out!!!!!

JOEBOB (7-1)

The well-used mantra…..”The best player not to have won a major” has to go to Joebob, after his sterling hole-in-one @ PC last week on #13 (used a 7-iron for his 181 yd. ace) Was wheeling with Kapalua and still lost $$$$ to Agliano. However, didn’t play well at last WDI in Mich./Oakland Hills. Said he felt “drugged”. Could his roomie have laced his ‘hummer’ with a date rape drug? Played well at Bay Hill in ‘08, when he played in final foursome. His time could come!

LIL PETEY (8-1)

Was a contender in ‘08, when he finished 2nd to a Hot and Hot Fish by 7 points. And he was voted by WDI peers as “The Best Club Thrower of the Decade 2000-2010. What an honor. But, if he has to play even 1 round with Agliano, he probably will be dead meat. Spiked blood pressure a reality. Let’s say Lil Peter will make a “run”, but in the end he will falter and become Saltpeter.

FISH (9-1)

The Floundering Flounder last won at Bay Hill in ‘08 and followed it up with a win at hallowed Southern Hills in Tulsa by 1 point over a disappointed Snooter later that summer. Since then, he fell apart like a cheap suit at Wal-Mart. Has gone from a 13 to a 16 handicap; but he gets hot—it’s going to be a fish-fry for the big sea-bass.

BRONECK (10-1)

How would you feel to be ‘big brother’ to the Blather Neck all these years? Some call it guilt by association. Has been called “too soft” by his critics (Carl and Cathy Critic) for coddling his ‘little brother’. Feels he could have won numerous WDI titles over the years, instead of ONLY one at Bay Hill in ‘05 (actually it was a tie with the sweet-swingin Kapalua) if he had a different roomie. But, alas, life throws us detours. Broken driver in Mich. cost him last year—-but if he loses in Orlando, it could be a broken heart.

GALEN (11-1)

The Whaler comes into 2010 tourney sharp after missing ‘09 WOI due to eye strain—Iooking at too many bushy pusswahs. Letting his partner Von Thron take over a major share of bushy pusswahs has Galen singing a different tune. But, can he flash the brilliance he displayed in ‘08, when he played in final foursome only to fade. Red-faced after his poor showing at Bay Hill in ‘08, he has vowed to throw a wrench in the field. Could he be a dark horse or just a red-faced horse?

MUDMAN (100-1)

You’re absolutely right Mudman–you’re chopped liver with a 7 handicap with these bums. While I can’t repeat in print what the WDI boys have privately said about you, the Media says the only chance you got is NO CHANCE. Rumors from Italy, especially Palermo aren’t good either. Highest finish in Orlando was in ‘08–seventh; slipped to (yikes) 9th in ‘09, even with respectable scores of 83, 83, 87 and 85. Not rooming with Kapalua could be a plus, but oh, oh—–he’s shacking up with Denise. TOAST!

NECK (1000-1)

You know some things NEVER change and that means Mike” Longshot” Nectarine is destined for another paltry WDI showing. Traveling has worn out this short, stout Kraut to the point where he “is a shell of a man.” He’s got nothing left in his tank, but guts and determination. But guts and determination don’t win WDI majors. So, gents, let’s just cater outwardly to his vanities, while we all know in our ‘heart of hearts’ that he’s all washed up. Maybe someone should buy him a ‘nice’ martini. Last win was in ‘97, not 1897. But, if the stars align and luck prevails……no forget it.