On a cold, blustery day in Doonbeg, off the northwest coast in Ireland, “the large-headed man” sat down to a pint of Guinness, relished its flavor and smiled at his scorecard which reflected a round of 78 (actually, his third round of 78 this week to go along with a 79 and 81). It had been a long time since a “rookie” won a WDI event, but Mike “Melon Head” Briggs had done just that.

To win at Doonbeg, the last leg of a grueling five-round tournament, he had to “beat-off,” so to speak, three tough challengers, each of whom was tied for second place, five points behind the large-headed man at -13. They included “The Kid,” a 19-year-old wonderkid from Ohio and a “scratch” golfer (I think it could have been the crabs.), the steely-eyed two-time EuroChamp, “The Bolt” and four-time, good-looking WDI U.S. Champ, and everyone’s favorite, Kapalua. But before I get to the final round, here are some of the highlights of the 26th WDI tournament in Ireland.

All the rookies played well, especially the Ohioans, The Kid and Jack “Humpty”

Briggs. Jack led the tournament after day one at Carnes, probably the hardest of he five courses, shooting 82 and co-led again after day three (shooting 79) at County Sligo with The Kid who had posted a 78; both led at -5. But the tourney was far from over. Many more strokes of sheer golf-skill were forthcoming from this crazy group of (by this time) women-starved immature hooligans.

Jerry “The Gimp” Newman and “Wildman” Wilde played consistent golf all week.

The Gimp was in danger of being shot (THEY SHOOT HORSES DON’T THEY?) on several occasions due to faulty wheels but managed to tough it out on the last day at Doonbeg to tie Wilde for fifth place at -18. After seeing Wilde’s swing, many of the young, Irish caddies were in a Sodom-Gomorrah like trance for several seconds and then tried hard not to make eye contact with him for the rest of the round. And Wilde thought it was his breath. Those in the group who had never played with Wilde actually thought he was a trick-shot artist on the first tee at Adare Manor.

Joe Bob, meanwhile, started 92-101, due, once again, to Kapalua’s influence on

innovative drinking techniques and loud snoring. After overcoming both, he rallied at County Sligo to take low net of the day (+8) and shoot 83. That set him up to play consistent golf at Connemara and Doonbeg, as he ended up in third place at -14.

Hyden-Seek started out slow also, shooting 85-92, then capped the week’s

tournament with low net at Doonbeg with a +8, as he shot 79. Hyden-Seek finished fourth at -16. His experience as he plays more WDI competitive golf (vs. the crap they do at Tampa Palms) is helping him cope with the pressure, and he did well.

His sleeping partner, the Snoot-Doggy-Dog, had a horrendous week. Although his start was legendary Snoot, shooting 88-83, winning money and shouting, “WHAT DAT WA”, lack of sleep, too much wind, too few Jessie’s, no Starbucks, and one too many conference calls led to his demise, as he shot the high score of the day at Doonbeg (96) and limped home last. There would not be any more of “SIT ON THIS FAT HOG” exclamations on Saturday.

The new betting event, in which one of the low handicappers choose (out of a hat) a high handicapper, proved to be fun and competitive. Globe Head and Jerry Newman, who had started out last after day one, won by 5 points over the second place puds, Hyden-Seek and Joe Bob. However, no money for second place, puds. Sorry.

Now back to the final round at Doonbeg. Moving through the media jam leading up to the first tee box, the large-headed man bounced along like a kite in the wind, never looking at any one reporter but gazing nervously down the first fairway, bundled up for hurricane-like winds, hung over and seemingly lost and in his own little world. (globe)

By contrast, his main competitors and playing partners were loose like a goose. The Kid, who had just awakened from a two-hour nap, was fit as a fiddle as he quaffed down two quick pints of Carlsberg. The Bolt, confident in his current, haughty state, was busy telling a BBC crew that after the match, he planned on traveling to Disney World. Kapalua, meanwhile, was busy putting on his game face while talking to two blonde, gorgeous ESPN sportscasters explaining to them what two and one meant (a threesome) in golf jargon.

But, by the first hole, the match was essentially over as Potato Head birdied, The

Kid bogeyed, and Bolt and Kapalua parred. Potato Head managed to birdie two more holes en route to a 36-42 round. Bolt tried to keep up gallantly after birdieing the fourth but only managed a +1 day and second place. The Kid and Kapalua both fell apart on the back nine, like cheap suits at the Men’s Wearhouse and plummeted to eight and ninth, respectively.

You can call him Large Head, Melon Head, or Big Head, but in the end, you have to call him Mr. Consistent Large Head, thank you very much. In the words of Julius Cesar, “Big Head come, Big Head drink (a lot), Big Head conquers.”

 

 FINAL STANDINGS

1          Melon Head               -7

2          Bolt                             -12

3          Joe Bob                     -14

4          Hyde n’ Seek             -16

5          Wildman                     -18      tie

5          Newman                     -18      tie

7          Jack Briggs               -19

8          The Kid                       -20

9          Kapalua                      -23

10        Snooter                      -35

There you have it, boys and girls. A great tournament ends the ’08 season, as

’09 promises to be even better. WDI venues are currently being studied, but make no mistake, it would be hard to top ’08. Bay Hill – Orlando, Southern Hills – Tulsa, The Snoot ’08 – Atlanta, and finally, N.W. Ireland.

See you in ’09.

Rick Reilly

On September 13th through the 20^th, the windswept courses of Northwest Ireland will be host to the WDI’s last major of the 2008 season. In anticipation of this European event, reporters, media, and fans are preparing to flock to the Emerald Isle to try to catch a glimpse of their favorite WDI golfer.

But, alas, the make-up of this year’s participants is going to be a lot different in September of ’08 due to the infusion of talented rookies and the excretion (so to speak) of several vets.

First of all, there will be no Fish Slam this year, as the floundering flounder has been DQ’d for this event due to handicap irregularities, a lack of euros, and burn-out syndrome. As of September 12^th, he will be stripped of his “maestro” moniker he has used since Tulsa in May and will revert back to simply, the “Smelly Pescado.”

The Neck Brothers, Little Clam and Stiff Neck, failed to sign their scorecard in English (they signed them in German) after their last tournament in Stuttgurt, Germany in July and were not only DQ’d for this Ireland trip but investigated for their ties to great uncle Adolf Von Nuechterlein, currently running from authorities for his role at Stalag 17.

“Boynie” Stein, winner at Torrey Pines in August of ’07, has fallen harder than a lead balloon since then and was last seen in counseling at the home of Dr. James E. Hoover, noted golf shrink. He had to WD.

So that leaves a field of 10 players who are handicapped below by that “greasy,” fat-assed, foulbreath, infamous handicapper, Jimmy the Geek. See you in Doonbeg.

(As far as the other invites who couldn’t make it, the Rocket, running for judge; Shea, too wishy washy; Hodge, doesn’t travel well; Mudano, wanted to go to Sicily, Brooks, wasn’t invited; Galen, wants to work a little harder in ’08, Prez Kap, couldn’t get past security machines due to a new hip and knees, Lebster, couldn’t find his cell number; Duffy, afraid to go – was born in Southern Ireland; and Agliano, costs too many euros.)

ROOKIES

Mike Briggs aka Briggsey, Bubble Head or Cabeza Melon (Melon Head) (5-1)

Sweet singing low handicapping rookie and underachieving brother of Jack. Wants to showcase his golf swing for the Irish. Could be a contender if he stays healthy/sober. Can’t wear a cap due to unusual size of head. When someone says he’s got a big head, it’s not because he’s arrogant, it’s because he’s got a big, fucking head. Could be a contender.

Keith “The Kid” Hiatt (6-1)

A champion of his own on the AVT tour, although, he’s been known to take a spill or two. The youngest of the group at age 18, fresh off his best year at Auburn Golf where he lead his college team to 110th in the NCAA tourney (The Blind Ladies of Holy Name were 109th). A promising rookie who hasn’t been tested on the WDI tour. After a few brews, critics say his game could go south (GO GATORS)

Jack “Humpty” Briggs (8-1)

Older and better looking twin brother of Mikey by 16 seconds (or was it 16 months? Whatever!) Has all the favorable characteristics that Mike doesn’t have, charisma, personality, good looks, better swing, longer schlong, et cetera. Having his 49th birthday during the tourney may fire him up to victory.

Jeff “Wildman” Wilde (99-1)

A legend in his own mind. Golf swing is somewhat unusual. It resembles a man

trying to kill a snake in a phone booth. When he first started taking golf lessons, his instructor reassured him and said “you have a brighter future chopping cane.” A driver in Wildman’s hand might produce five of his most consistent shots: a monster slice, a wounded jack rabbit, a worm burner, a pop fly, and a snap hook. A real dark horse who keeps naked pictures of Jim Furyk in his closet.

Jerry “Jer” Newman aka “Oldman” (100-1)

Possibly the oldest and tallest member of the group (7’3″). At 85, surprisingly spry – can still hit drives 160, 163 – but not straight. Will bring a lot to the table – a large appetite. Don’t count him out, count him dead meat.

 VETERANS

 Steve “Hide & Seek” Hyden (7-1)

Coming off a promising second place showing at the WDI tourney at Torrey Pines in September of ’07, Hyden Seek found his game hiding (where else) in the back of his mind. Maybe that’s why he doesn’t say much. A Tampa Palms low handicapper who loves Irish courses, Irish Whiskey, and Latin ladies. He is mild and good natured; his game is as patient as a bomb diffuser. Could go far in this tourney.

George “Kapalua” Cappy aka Capizzi (9-1)

Although he is a 4-time WDI Champ (and recently voted best-looking WDI player in ’08 by the girls at Mons Venus), he has been shut out on the Euro-Circuit. Plans to change that on the windy Northwest Irish Coast in September. It appears that, after revamping and retooling his swing this past summer, this sweet-swinging, Puerto Rican, Hawaiian who lives in Sicily (in the offseason)

is ready to compete. His new motto for Ireland is “Capizzi Competes.” Watch out, if he is near or in the lead. Has a stare (a la Ray Floyd) that would make a suicide bomber wet himself (or herself; to be proper in this day and age) Is a contender, not a pretender.

Jim “Snooter” McNulty aka Snoot Dog (10-1)

Recently has been more of a golf promoter than golfer (see Father-Son Cherokee Golf tourney ’08) and his play shows. However, at May’s WDI at Southern Hills in Tulsa, was the leader going into last round, but pulled a Greg Norman. Too many pre-game interviews by the Golf Channel and one too many bloodies may have buoyed his spirits; but after limping home with a final round 83, found out he placed 2nd by one shot. Snoot’s expression was that of a cardiologist staring at a flat line EKG. But with a few Irish toddies, he’ll be ready to bounce back and bounce back big. Could be a contender.

Bob “Joe Bob” Pesce (15-1)

Playing in 5th straight WDI tourney however, hasn’t made the cut in the past four. Probably due to dietary problems. Has to eat Sicilian food three times a day. Can’t get enough of it. Problem is, the WDI is in Ireland where they don’t even have any Italians much less Italian food. Although his handicap has fluttered up and down like a runaway kite, he is playing serious golf as of late. Placed 3rd at Southern Hills in Tulsa. Could be a contender, were not for his roommate’s snoring.

Stevie “Bolster” Bolter aka “The Bolt” (75-1)

It appears The Bolt is back fully cocked and reloaded (so to speak). The two-time Euro Champ (’99 and ’01), however, has played more like a Euro Chump lately. After a long layoff from the WDI tour, does he have the “chutzpah” for one more trophy? Some say he is a shell of a man, that his best days are behind him. Will try to quiet his critics with his innate knowledge of Irish golf. Knows Irish fescue, wind, and rain like the back of his penis. Last seen at CVS Pharmacy in Palm Coast purchasing a large tube of KY Jelly. Watch out, Wilde.

So there you have it, a rundown of the contestants for the final major of the year – Northwest Ireland ’08. As you can see, there is an infusion of new blood with five golfers with single-digit handicaps to go along with the rest of the pud-like handicaps of the WDI. A report will be made shortly by our anchors at the BBC and ESPN, including a Steve Melnick lookalike, and Tricky Nicky Faldo. This event will be televised between 1:00 a.m. and 3:00 a.m. EST on Sunday through Friday. We apologize for any inconvenience because of the unusual time, but we have to compete with The Raising Daisy and Wild Flower Show and The How Much Beer Can an Irishman Drink in 10 Minutes Show which take the predominant weeknight time slots in Ireland.

See you at Doonbeg, laddies.

Rick Reilly

It was a cold, windy day in Oklahoma, and it took all you could to keep the ball in play at venerable Southern Hills, the site of the 25th WDI Tournament. Small crowds of WDI groupies, ex-pilots and drunk Hooter girls cheered and jeered as the WDI’ers plunked, chunked and plodded down the famed Southern Hills course.

After day one, everyone’s favorite and four-time champion, Kapalua, and Fish and/or Cut-Bait had eked out a narrow one-shot lead over the second-place plodders, Broneck and Joe Bob. Rocket Rosen and Snooter had played to the middle of the pack while comeback hopeful Bolt, the aging “broken” Neck and flash-in-the-pan Boynie brought up the rear. Meanwhile in the Oklahoma division TK had parlayed a +5 day to a one-shot lead over Prez Kap and 7 over Ramdog.

That evening at a tasty barbecue dinner at Prez Kap’s sprawling Southern Hills ranch-style house with drinks-a-flowing and barbs-a-throwing, the WDI boys, elated from their first foray at Southern Hills, seemed rested and content. That was before the ghost of Nutsy Fagan reared his ugly head. A wingman extraordinaire, his past exploits seemed to embolden a tired, weary Little Clam Neck. Through thick cigar smoke and maybe one too many ouzo’s, the gauntlet was thrown out-play great golf the next day or eat shit and die. Fish was confident as he sat next to Blowfish, also known as Steve Melynk; Joe Bob kept knocking down ouzo’s at a record pace and Prez Kap’s cabinet of delicious Pyrat Rum took a beating. As the boys crawled back to their cars, the drunken Neck hollered back, to no one in particular, “I love you, Nutsy,” as he gazed at one of Prez Kap’s bronzed statues that surround the pool.

Day two was moving day, and it didn’t take long for Snoot Doggy Dog to fire a 79 (low round of the tournament) and take a one-shot lead over the soon-to-be disqualified Rocket Rosen, who was banished from the tournament for one too many limericks. Fish and Joe Bob lurked one shot back while Kapalua and Broneck limped in three shots behind. PrezKap buoyed by his famous bean dish the night before, used its wind to his benefit to shoot a gassy +4 and take a commanding lead over fellow Oklahoma competitors by 7 shots.

Day three loomed eerily. Disciplined by Southern Hills Pro Dave Bryan for all around shitty play, the presence of countless tornados and the threat of Prez Kap’s impeachment by the Southern Hills Board of Directors – the WDI was forced to play its last round at the Golf Club of Oklahoma, Prez Kap’s other proving ground, so to speak. Prez Kap’s team, once again, prevailed due to his +14 day, and he easily raced to a +21 overall and first place finish in the Oklahoma Division (TK and Ramdog, his former friends, left the course early, pissed). Kapalua, Broneck and Joe Bob all had their chances on the Fazio-designed course but fell back. Especially Joe Bob, who could have been a contender until he triple bogeyed no. 18. Bladder Neck thought it was Sunday and played great golf (+4) (muttering throughout his round, “This shot’s for you, Nutsy.”), while Broneck staggered and flamed out and Boynie, yesterday’s hero, (and Kapalua look alike) went further in the tank. As for comeback hopeful, Bolt, he managed to upright his ship to shoot the low score of the day (81) to finish tied for 4th overall with his roomie, Kapalua, much to the disappointment of the Tulsa Cat House Girls who dotted the course with their short skirts, halter tops, and t-back, fur lined panties.

In the end, without the benefit of any Jessie’s, Snoot Dog faltered and fell a shot short of the famed Sandicapper Fish (-15). (He was a 9 just two months earlier.) Prez Kap, also known as the Corsican Pyrat, and playing without his famed golfing brother, Kapalua, but with his adopted brother, Short Neck, basked in the Oklahoma sun as he graciously accepted the aluminum Oklahoma WDI trophy (which resembles a large penis attached to a bicycle seat). Tornado warnings notwithstanding, the Fish, also known as Maestro, had repeated. But could he 3-peat? Negative.

In the history of the WDI, only two puds had won consecutive tourneys, Bolt and

Kapalua and did not 3-peat, but alas, the Fish will not and cannot vie for a 3-peat in Ireland in September of ’08 due to off-field agent disputes and family distractions. Nor will Broken Neck, his bro or past champ, Boynie be eligible for the Ireland Tourney because they ALL missed the cut. So who will be favored in Ireland of September of ’08? Could it be the steely-eyed, smoldering, hot play of Snoot Doggy Dog (what dat waa) or Bolt, the Comeback Kid, once a Euro-Champ, maybe now a EuroChump or the surprising consistent play of Joe Bob or that sweet, swinging, good-looking, Puerto Rican, Hawaiian, Kapalua or one of the new rookies, Cabeza, Humpty, Babyface, or The Wildman. Or will it be the ghost of Nutsy Fagan?

Tune into ESPN 2 for the daily play-by-play action starting on September 14th by veteran ESPN anchors, Steve “Brofish” Melynk and everyone’s favorite Morrie.

See you in September,

Rick Reilly

Final Standings

Florida Division:

1          Fish                 -7

2          Snoot              -8

3          Joe Bob         -10

4 Tie   Kapalua          -12

4 Tie   Bolt                 -12

6          Neck               -16

7          Broneck          -17

8          Boynie            -22

9          Rocket            -6 WD/DQ’d

Oklahoma Division:

1          Prez Kap        +21 (new WDI record)

2          TK                   0

3          Ramdog         -4

Well, boys, the May WDI Oklahoma Tourney is near. In anticipation of the WDI Southern Hills, the greenskeeper has called and informed me that they are cutting the greens especially low and keeping the rough intact in preparation for the WDI tournament. The press is already hounding me with questions and pictures of some of our favorite WDI players, so I told them just to meet us at the golf course, and we would oblige.

Remember that we cannot use credit cards at Southern Hills or the Golf Club of Oklahoma. So plan to bring either cash or personal checks to pay either my brother or the two other gentlemen who will be joining us. We will have our own bet based upon three-man teams as Prez Kap and his two Oklahoma members don’t want to participate in our bet, but they will do a $20.00-a-day bet with us instead. Broneck will be emailing you as far as what cash to bring for the bets and everything else.

I just received a phone call from Jimmy the Geek, Jr., and he is quite angry at people calling him a Mediterranean grease ball because he does his job and does it well. Once again, he has handicapped this tournament’s players and offered a little highlight as to each of their personal attributes. So here you have them, the handicap picks for The Oklahoma WDI.

THE OKLAHOMA PLAYERS

Prez Kap (100-1)

Always has played in the shadow of his famous golfing “and much younger” brother. A high handicapper who can get hot in streaks- just look at the streaks in his hair. Critics say his swing reminds one of a Vega-matic – he slices and dices his way down the fairway. Around the greens, he has a touch of a gorilla. However, you can’t bag Prez Kap too much, for he be the “host.” Also hails from Sicily by way of Corsica.

Tom Kelly “TK” (75-1)

A good-natured, Irish gent who loves golf and animals. Has a great sense of humor – you have to when you see his swing. Currently, raises cows for both profit and hobby. Watch out, Broneck, if you cross him, he is likely to throw a cow pie at you.

Bill Ramsey “Ramdog” (25-1)

Ramsey is a throwback to the 60’s – you know the guy who drove motorcycles, greased his hair back with axle oil, had his cigarettes rolled up in the sleeve of his t-shirt, played in the middle of the line in football, well, the speech is typical, county Oklahoma, and his golf game is atypical but fun. His name, Ramdog, says it all. He will be paired as a partner with Snoot Dog. What… that… was?!!

THE FLORIDA PLAYERS

Snoot (10-1)

The favorite went off as 5 to 1 in Orlando and was promptly DQ’d for breaking curfew. Actually, he finished with a flourish there – with that late surge (ala Iraq). Will that be enough to ward off his AI Queda like competition? Is hot. Just won his flight with Bobby Weed at the April Palma Ceia Member Guest. He is a gamer, a grinder, and he be the Snoot Doggy Dog.

Kapalua (12-1)

A major attraction to the WDI tourney. This Puerto Rican born, Hawaiian who hails from Sicily is still a hot commodity. After winning consecutive WDI titles in Michigan in ’06 and Pinehurst in ’07, he stumbled but finished tied for 3rd in the next two. Perhaps, his medical status has cleared him for a major jump start in Tulsa. His adoring fans long for him to be back in the winner’s circle again.

Broneck (13-1)

A slow yet steady vet. His play is usually unnerved notwithstanding the media pressure (what do you want from a former American Airlines captain). Has been in contention in the last four tournaments; his time could come as it did in Orlando ’05 when he posted a WDl low 73 on his way to his first co-championship.

Fish (14-1)

Fish’s game continues to memorize critics – he is hot; he is cold; sort of like a big, fucking pompano flipping on the grill. After he won at Bay Hill (with all those lucky breaks), he fell apart like a cheap suit at the Men’s Wearhouse. Let’s wait and see which game he brings to Tulsa.

Boynie (60-1)

Fish’s roomie – the other half of the topsy turvy twins; Heckle and Jeckle, Moe and Larry; well, you get it. He prevailed at Torrey Pines in ’07 and also goes into the tank soon afterward. Injury – smidgery. Does he have the chutzpah to play well or what? We’ll see.

Joe Babbo (65-1)

Had an early spurt in Orlando that sent him up the leaderboard – he credits that to a large plate of pasta fagioli. A dark-haired Sicilian who plays by the book (the Sicilian Book of Omerta) and would just love to rub out the competition, so to speak. He could be a comer or he could be a goer.

The Rocket (85-1)

What can we say about The Rocket’s game that already hasn’y been said – actually, not much. Has a heart of a 60 year old but the knees of a 20 year old. Vying to become the first American WDI Jew to tee off at Southern Hills. His play lately at Palma Ceia has been sporadic. Apparently, he is taking notes from Mr. HP Handicap Sand Bagger Brooksy.

Bolt (90-1)

The Bolt is back without the “lightning.” You could say his game is like a 90 year old; it lacks teeth. Trying to become the “comeback player of the year” – hasn’t played in WDI competition since he was spanked by Kapalua in Michigan in September of ’06. Will the drought continue? I think so.

Neck (101-1)

The poor guy, he continues to try to emulate his good pal, Kapalua, by buying new equipment. (He is no longer playing Persimmons clubs anymore.) Driver, three-wood putter, balls, etc., but the only way to improve the Neck’s game is to replace his short, stout body from his neck (so to speak) down. Is a has been, hang arounder and will finish way back in the pack.

So there you have it, a very objective handicap analysis by my good friend, Jimmy the Geek, who continues to be off his mark when it comes to handicapping the WDI tournament. We will see what happens in Tulsa. See you then.

Yours in golf,

Rick Reilly

In a slugfest, reminiscent of the great Ali-Frazier battles of yesteryear, Team Kapalua “eked” out a narrow 5 point win over Team Snooter after two grueling days of Ryder Cup Competition at the “Snoot 08 Atlanta” Father’s Day Extravaganza held on June 20 – 22.

However, after day one at Cherokee, the eventual Team Kapalua victory was in doubt for two main reasons. Number one, one of Team Snooter’s players, Kellen Oldham withdrew and was replaced by Tough Tommy Crozier (a 25 replaced by a 15) who promptly shot 81, and number two, one wonders how everyone got back to the hotel after dinner at Morton’s (luckily, The Ritz was right across the street).

That first night at Morton’s with true stories, made up lies, and drinks a-flowin amongst the four-pound porterhouse steaks and heavenly baked, potatoes, the fact that most of Team Kapalua’s players were younger golfers could have been a detriment. Joe Bob, Jr., Mudman, Jr., the Cohen Boys (how about their latest flick? Old Country for Old Fuckers), and little Joey Cappy were all under 25 years old (and all a lot inebriated). But like Mussolini’s Italian Storm Troopers, they rebounded on day two.

Team Snooter was riding high due to great golf played on Friday by Tough Tommy Crozier, Jake “The Snake” Nellis, his Dad “two birdies” Bill, his father-in-law Johnny Boy Blackmon, and his stepdad, Snoot and sons Alan, Brian, nephew Bill (“I can hook it, or shank it; you call it”) McNulty, son-in-law Jeff Hayden (who immediately signed up for 16 lessons from scratch golfer and forecaddie Paul/Peter Rhee) (together from this point on – except Gary/Mike

Rhee – referred to as “the related Snootees”), suddenly unraveled like crackheads at a Billy Graham crusade. I guess they foolishly expected to continue to advance the ball down the fairway in a linear path. Brian McNulty played like the poster child for Ray-Ray Golf (one hole you play like Ray Floyd and the next, you play like Ray Charles). But he contributed well on Saturday’s round with a tingling 101. The Sam Duffer foursome was boosted by Glenn Insley and his son MarshaII. They were not taking this writer’s interviews post-round, but word did make it to Tampa that Marshall asked Duffer for his daughter’s hand in marriage sometime over the weekend. Just think they get to add 21 more to the wedding party, all expenses paid!! I mean hell I’d certainly do that.

Team Kapalua, meanwhile, shaking off cobwebs of too much drink and too little sleep and especially backed by the play of the A-team (Adam and Alex Cohen, the One-Eyed Duke and Muddog Mudano who all shot in the 70s), rallied the maddening and excited crowd of wanna-be golfers of Atlanta who knew this competition was a must-see. Equally surprising was the play of Joe Bob, Sr., and Jr., Joey and Ryan Cappy, Little Stevie Sideburns, Mudman, Jr., and Kapalua (80). They should all be applauded for helping the Italian cause at Bear’s Best.

When all the scores were counted and all the whining finished (whining, by the way, is one of the rock-solid foundations of golf), Team Kapalua had snatched victory from the jaws of defeat by the narrowest of margins. Kapalua in his post-game interview at Pried’s Italian Restaurant in Buckhead was as gracious as ever as he pointed toward the McNulty Klan who were stewing in their drinks in disbelief and shouted “Youse guys played like crap!” Snooter was even more diplomatic as he fired back, “Fuck you, we ain’t paying!”

When all was said and done, it was a tourney like no others (actually, it was a lot like every WDI tournament) and one that should and could be played on an annual basis for years to come. New friends and relationships were made. Old friendships were renewed, and the father-son bonding was penultimate.

See you next year at a location to be determined.

Rick Reilly

P.S. Joe Bob, as of this writing, has still not returned to Tampa since his driving was a little suspect. Let’s just say he made the wrong turn at a One-Dollar Café in Atlanta and hasn’t been seen since.

It’s been decades since Sherman burned down Atlanta on a golfing bet between him and Robert E. Lee. (Sherman lost when “Robby” Lee birdied 18 to beat him by a stroke at a very young but gorgeous Cherokee Country Club.) While Sherman took an anger management course later that year, it didn’t help Atlanta.

Now, 143 years later, another battle for Atlanta is unfolding between two formidable armies (teams). Team Snooter (Blue) and Team Kapalua (Gray). In Ryder-Cup fashion: two 12-man teams will tee it up at Cherokee (site of that infamous WDI golf outing years ago) on Friday, June 20, 2008 before an expected sellout crowd and national TV. The following day Bear’s Best in North Atlanta will be host site, 30 miles from what is certain to be a recovering Cherokee staff and whatever female cart-cracks may be on the grounds for Friday’s opening round.

Minutes after the pairings were announced on ESPN by tournament director Snoot Doggy Dog, barbs, catcalls, and bravado remarks were sailing through the Internet. Small groups of muscled, dark-skinned Sicilians began streaming out of Atlanta’s Badda-Bing Club heading straight to Cherokee Country Club where they will apply for security for the tournament, much to the dismay of Team Snooter. “I don’t see why these Greasers are more qualified than the Blackwater Scots,” snarled Brian McNulty. “Plus, they’ll eat all the sausages and burp on our backswings.” Badda-bing.

A quick look at Team Kapalua contestants raises serious eyebrows. There is MadDog Mudano and son, from the Genovese family, Pistol Whipping Joe Bob Pesce and Son, from the Luciano family, Angie “The Lip” Cohen and sons, personal confidants of the Hyman Roth family (I hope you saw Godfather IT), Giorgio “Hitman” Capizzi and Sons from the infamous Tampa Trafficante family, and the One-Eyed Duke with adopted son, Little Stevie Sideburns, former bodyguards of the Lasagna Crime Syndicate, et al. Talk about greaseballs; they have more slick in their hair than the Exxon-Valdez oil spill in March of ‘89. Badda-bang.

But, Team Snooter isn’t made up of angels and cream puffs either. True the McNulty Clan make up the bulk of that Scottish- tartaned team, such as Bad Boy Brian McNulty, Anxious Allen McNulty, Jake “The Snake” Nellis, but there are other mommalukes as well, such as The Duffster, the Irksome Insley Clan, the Nasty Nellis’s, Johnny Boy Blackmon, and Kellen “Winslow” Oldham (son of great guy, father and friend, the late Ray Bob Oldham). It’s been rumored of-late that Kellen may be a no-show due to his job, but due to the long wait-list of prospective contestants, it appears the field will definitely be full at 24 players.

The magnitude of this event is not lost on one of Kapalua’s top teammates Captain MadDog Mudano, a veritable low-handicap hacker. “We can’t allow these Scot/Irish Mofos to come into our house and beat us.” Of course, Captain Mudano is reminded that Cherokee Country Club is not our house; it’s in Georgia. Let’s just say he got carried away in this mini drama. Whatever the result, the “Battle for Atlanta” proves to be a good one.

It appears that Buckhead security too has been beefed up for the upcoming onslaught sure to be dealt on the Cherokee and Bear’s Best courses by this fine group of golfers (well, some of them are fine; others – well whatever). Morton’s has had to rope off the upstairs “Board Room” to keep the paparazzi in check after the first round on Friday , and the SNOOT Italian contingent swears that the closing dinner hooliganism can be deftly managed by the group’s own in-shape ruffians.

Team Snoot and Team Kapalua were asked to give a short statement pre-tourney. George Cappy (a/k/a Kapalua) commented, “Boys will be boys, but our boys are all cultured Christian gentlemen, and there is no doubt our antics will generate much laughter and excitement as we work hard to beat those Irish bastards, but it will be done in a gentlemanly manner”. Snooter replied, “What a miserable bunch of unformidable opponents; their captain is supposed to be a leader, and he sounds off like we’re a bunch of schmucks. All I can say to those chaps, in the succinct words of our WDI counterpart Broken Neck: “GIRD YOUR LOINS”. “