You’ve heard the old saying, “always a bridesmaid, never a bride” Well, finally wearing lavender with a lace sash collar, Boynie cast aside his own personal demons, a wounded but lurking Kapalua and his fellow WDI compatriots enroute to his first WDI Championship. “No threepeat for Kapalua” was his battle cry for five rounds in sunny San Diego, but he did have to battle to get there. He had to battle his nerves, his swing, and his old pal, Morrie, an old school chum who Bernie met when he went to med school in Pittsburgh in 1924. You see, Morrie, a neurologist, by way of the Orient, had no friends, or at least any appreciable friends, until Bernie came to town. He quickly became the 9th WDI player, but as a dinner regular only. This companionship and camaraderie from Morrie (which got a little sickening at times) could have been the catalyst to spur Boynie to victory.

Bernie had started off strong with a birdie on the first hole on the first day at Grand Del Mar in La Jolla, but after a poor showing at Torrey Pines (South), the U.S. Open venue for ’08, he was in second place at -3 trailing the past champ and leader, Kapalua, by only 2. Kapalua’s four birdies after the first two rounds gave him a confident air as he wolfed down a plate of CoquilIes St. Jacque that night at George’s in the Cove in La Jolla. But awakening on day three, Kapalua felt a pit in his stomach and pain in his left shoulder. It seems through unsubstantiated rumors that Bernie and Fish were sitting on Kapalua as he lay in bed, thereby causing his discomfort. At any rate, Kapalua went out on Torrey Pines North and shot 50 – 42 with four triples and dropped out of the lead.

On day three also, Snoot and Broneck were playing better. Snoot’s two rounds of 83 – 83 looked like vintage McNulty in his heyday, right before his devastating 10 – 8 defeat in the North-South Amateur Tournament as a teen by little-known golf phenom, Eddie Pearce. Neck and Fish were flopping along with up and down rounds, and nobody could find Hydenseek. Actually, Hydenseek couldn’t find his game until the last two days when he shot 86 – 81 to finish alone in 2nd place, 15 points behind the 16 handicap, sandbagging, MF, Bernie.

Joe Bob’s golf turmoil was evident again. While starting out with a not-bad 87 and -3 at Grand Del Mar, it appears that Kapalua’s snoring, the three-hour time difference, and one too many lemincelIo’s cost him dearly again, as he shot 96 – 93 – 91 at Torrey Pines and fell out of the running.

The Neck, a sentimental favorite, also ran and now eligible for the Old-Fart Senior WDI Tour made a gallant effort to return to glory. Not only did he shoot two respectable rounds in the 80’s (out of five rounds), he did manage to pull off a remarkable feat – he brought toothpicks, placed them between his eyelids and never fell asleep one time during this trip. However, thinking about it, it could have been a Neck lookalike. Boy, that’s a scary thought.

On the final day at La Costa, the conclusion was anticlimatic. Boynie at -6, Kapalua and Broneck -17, Hydenseek -18, Neck -20, Joe Bob -22, Snoot -24, and Fish -27. The only way for Boynie to lose was for him to sleep in. (Kapalua tried his best to keep his room dark.) But in the end, Boynie’s sparkling 83 on the tournament course at La Costa outdistanced the field. Snoot and Hydenseek’s 81 were the low rounds of the day and pushed Snoot up to a tie for third with Kapalua and Broneck.

As Bernie and the rest of the WDI players were finishing up on the 18th hole, word spread fast that Bernie was the new WDI champ. Expecting to see several hundred of his fans, Bernie only saw the one fan that counted most, Morrie, who was draped in a white, Philippino linen suit, waiting for him with a cold iced tea at the 18th hole.

The compelling questions we have to ask for this WDI is what part did Morrie play in Boynie’s championship? Two, did he provide Bernie with any illegal steroids or any other performance enhancing drugs that made Bernie play so well? Three, how did he manage to impute his Rasputin-like power over Boynie? These questions will be lingering on WDI lips for many years to come, but suffice it to say, that at the next WDI, Morrie will be someone else’s friend. He could be mine.

See you in ’08 at a forum not yet selected.

Yours truly,

Rick Reilly

Final round standings:

1          Boynie            +1

2          Hydenseek     -14

3 Tie   Kapalua          -17

3 Tie   Snoot              -17

3 Tie   Broneck          -17

6          Neck               -18

7          Fish                 -25

8          Joe Bob         -29 (ouch)

Tiger Woods, step aside – we have a more important golf story to report. History may be made this fall by a good looking, sweet swinging, Puerto Rican – Hawaiian who lives in the off season near Palermo, Sicily. (In his three-acre Italian Villa loaded with good looking toots.) Yes, Jorge Kapalua will be making WDI history by winning three consecutive WDI sanctioned tournaments 2006-2007 if he wins the Torrey Pines WDI this Fall.

The last attempt at a 3-Peat was made by little Stevie Bolter who won at Bandon Dunes in August of ’05 and Casa De Campo in May of ’06. His bid for a third consecutive title ended when Jorge Kapalua spanked Bolter badly in the Northern Michigan Invitational in September of ’06.

Bolter was leading the tournament by three shots going into the last day at the tough Bear course in Traverse City. (Sort of like Sergio Garcia at the British Open at Carnoustie.) It used to be when Bolt has the lead, “forget about it,” but crouching like a silver-haired cat, Kapalua waited for his swing to develop then leapt into action devouring the field. It wasn’t pretty. As a matter of fact, Bolter’s defeat was so devastating that he hasn’t shown his face since, nor did he enter the two WDI tournaments scheduled for 2007. He has become a mere “shell” of a man and remains emotionally distraught. When reached for a reply he declined comment through his dogs, Jenny and Buster.

For a handicap review of the contestants for the Torrey Pines La Costa ’07 WDI, we bring in Jimmy the Geek , Jr., for the handicapping.

Kapalua (3-1)

Even though he is a cagey, aging, WDI vet, he is one hot mofo – 3 championships in the last 5 tourneys and 15 consecutive top 8 finishes. Poised for the first ever WDI 3-Peat against a “weak” field. Should be a cakewalk unless he is poisoned. Wants to invoke drug and insect screening on WDI participants because of spider bites at the recent Pinehurst tourney. Is a fan favorite – had great tourney at Southern Hills Member-Guest in Oklahoma in June; played with: “he is heavy and he is my brother.” Voted best looking golfer by Pussycat Brothel in Tulsa. New golf sticks could propel him to the top of the leaderboard early.

“Joe Bob” (10-1)

Highly touted WDI rookie who burst on the scene in ’07 with a dismal 92 at Pinehurst #8. Hit the bottle heavily after that and went steadily downhill. After a short stint at Betty Ford, has handicap again looming around 10. Could be a force at Torrey Pines depending on what game he brings with him, A, B, C or D. Was severely reprimanded by Neck and Broneck for not having first aid kit in North Carolina. Because of that rebuke, was seen in Ybor buying drugs for upcoming WDI for Neck brothers. “A little hemlock?”

Broneck (12-1)

Former Russian fighter pilot who escaped Moscow during the purge in the 90’s. An old fart retiree who plays five to six times a week – a six handicapper who keeps getting better. Supposed to play in the final foursome at Pinehurst WDI in April ’07 but succumbed to his brother’s medical problems and was promptly DQ’d. Could be a contender, however.

Snooter (15-1)

Voted WDI comeback player of the year by his peers. (Joe and Mary Peers) Torrey Pines is the kind of course that caters to Snoot’s high, wind-carving drives. Won’t have the Lebster’s snoring drain his strength, so he can play 18 holes “strong like bull.” Main drawback, hasn’t been in winner’s circle since the Atlanta WDI in August of ’96. Could be California dreaming – if he brings sleep apparatus.

Boynie (16-1)

Three straight second place finishes four out of past six tournaments suggests this could be Bernie’s time. NOT! Age could be a huge factor. He is getting older and looking older. Time may be slipping away for him to be competitive, plus he dumped his swing guru, Ledbetter, for the guy who gives tips for free in Golf Digest. Cheap Bastard. Odds are huge that he will fade in the California sunset just like Ronald Reagan, or fold like a cheap suit at the Men’s Wearhouse (again).

Fish (20-1)

Critics are saying that his ’04 England WDI victory may be a flash in the pan (or steroidal-linked) Urine sample results leaked out recently suggest BALCO – TIES. Has naked photos of Barry Bonds and Lance Armstrong in his locker at Palma Ceia. Is worried about commissioner’s investigation – could be reason for poor showing in last five WDI’s. Time is of the essence. He does have to fish or cut bait.

Hyden-“Seek” (25-1)

Unknown rookie – friend of Snooter’s. An experienced 7 handicapper, who is a late bloomer and a baby boomer. “Won’t have replay of the Lebster.” Strong game is driving. Drives a hot-red mustang. A rookie hasn’t won WDI in his first outing since Logan in ’95 by one half stroke over Kapalua at TPC, Palm Springs. This longshot could be a contender.

Neck (100-1)

By a narrow vote of four to three by the WDI Exec. Committee, Neck barely kept his WDI tour card (Broneck was one of the three). DQ’d in past two tournaments (for not finishing). People are’ wondering whether he has any “staying power.” (Including his good wife Catherine) His adoring fan base has shrunk from 500 to 2 in the past two years (his wife and himself). He had to go back to the fatherland (Germany) prior to the tournament, in July for some well needed advice from Great Uncle Adolph Von Nuechterlein. Used to blurt out strong German words like conquest, blitzkreig, and danzer. Now uses weak words like capitulation, retreat, and liebramilch. A very, very, short dark horse.

There you have it sports fans, an up-to-date recap of the participants for the fifth major of the year, the WDI Torrey Pines Fall Classic.

See you in sunny California.

Yours in golf,

Rick