A funny thing happened enroute to the Neck’s bid to win his third WDI Jacket at Pinehurst. (He won there in ’95 and ’97.) He was derailed – by a train wreck called Kapalua. The very first hole on the very first day of the 17th WDI tournament set the tone – Neck triple bogie; Kapalua – par. The rest of the weekend was a recurring nightmare for the squat, short, mustachioed, former Gestapo henchman. He never recovered.

The svelte Snooter, down to 146 ½ pounds, felt like a WDI rookie playing like he did in his youth – and fought his way into the final four on Sunday only to see his hopes dashed, by the undulating and punishing greens of Pinehurst #2 (it’s no wonder that John Daly is his idol).

Broneck, the elder, German statesman and WDI treasurer, also was playing like a man/pilot possessed. Shooting 80 on the first day and following that excellent round with scores in the low 80s as well as the tournament’s low round of 79 on Pinehurst #7, he was poised to make a run on moving day – only to get the “runs” from his brother and sit out Sunday’s round. (After Saturday, he was only 11 points back of the leader.)

Fish and/or cut bait forgot about his horrid first round score in Michigan last year and played inspired golf for four days, charging into the final pairing on Sunday at -3, three, three shots off the leader- Kapalua. Fish was seen late Friday night attempting to contact the only person able to throw a curse on Kapalua – his roomie, little Stevie Bolster. But, alas, he couldn’t reach him. On Sunday, Fish’s boomerang drives as well as his fishhooks cost him dearly as he seemed to play more like a rookie than a vet and finished third, 10 shots back. Speaking of rookies, Joe Bob and the “Lebster” added a new look of bravado to the group, but rookie nerves, jittery putting, and too many Seabreezes ended their hopes early. Joe Bob, however, was called into action as a physician when the Neck went down after the second round. Quick, decisive action and prompt medical treatment kept the Neck out of action until Sunday – but by then, he was a mere shell of a man. Joe Bob finished fifth and the Lebster sixth since the Germanic brothers couldn’t play at least one round due to their bubonic plague-like symptoms.

That left the only other person qualified enough to derail Kapalua – Boynie. Boynie a well-known, bespectacled radiologist with questionable credentials as a golfer had finished second in England in ’04 and second in the Dominican Republic and Michigan WDIs in ’06. He was the last, great, white, Jewish hope. Could he stare down Kapalua and make him blink first? Could he overtake the hard charging Kapalua with his shitty rock-the-baby swing? Did he have the chutzpah to come out on top for once? Of course, the answer is no – but I have to finish the story.

Kapalua, the good-looking, Puerto Rican, Hawaiian, who lives in Sicily in the off season, was not about to fall apart like a cheap suit at the Men’s Wearhouse (but he did start leaking oil badly on Sunday on the last two holes). Trying to become the second WDI’er to win back-to-back titles since the Bolt, he burst out of the gate quickly making pars and birdies and taking the lead on Wednesday, never relinquishing it. Tied with Boynie at level par on Wednesday and increasing his lead to eight over Fish and Broneck on Friday, he was bit near the groin by insects on Saturday’s morning round and limped into the clubhouse Saturday evening with a mere one-shot lead over Boynie and three over Fish. (Rumor has it that a current WDI’er – tall, bald with glasses, who could be Boynie’s roommate – was known to have purchased three brown recluse spiders on Ebay late Friday evening – Per Qua?)

Saturday’s final round at Pinehurst #2 opened with beautiful skies, gorgeous weather in the 50s and two spectators (raccoons). Kapalua and Boynie traded shots for 12 holes back and forth like those great golf matches back in the old days between Orville Moody and Gay Brewer, Doug Ford and Jerry Barber and so on. But number 13 on Pinehurst #2 was the turning point of the match. With the match tied, Kapalua slammed a 260-yard drive down the middle and lifted a seven iron to five feet for birdie while Boynie double bogied the hole. When Kapalua parred 15 and 16 to take an eight-shot lead with two to go, it seemed over.

Okay, back to the oil leaking story. Boynie’s birdie and Kapalua’s triple bogie on 17 shrunk his lead to three with the famous 18th finishing hole ahead. Could Kapalua regain his composure? Could Kapalua overcome the bad memories of his collapse on 18 at La Quinta in ’95 to give the cup to Harlen by one half stroke? Could he overcome his demons and his swollen, spider-bit groin/leg? Well, not really. He hooked his drive into a bush, played it out left handed, and managed to ONLY double bogie the 18^th. Meanwhile, the surging Boynie struck his hybrid two-wood to within two feet of the cup. If he makes it, he wins. If he doesn’t, he comes in second for the fourth time…………………… Boynie strikes the putt and misses! Kapalua wins 2-straight majors. Great story. Great ending.

Best,

Rick Reilly

P.S. See you in Torrey Pines August ’07.

Aloha!

The field is wide open for this year’s first WDI tournament due to the recent softball injury to Little Stevie Bolster, a five-time WDI champ. His absence improves the odds for the rest of the field. So here they are – the odds and the contestants who are vying for the coveted WDI aluminum cup.

Jorge Kapalua (7-4)

Vying for WDI Golfer of the Year; last year’s WDI champ at Michigan over eight grueling courses; a second place finisher at this year’s Gasparilla (did I say 12^th flight) means he’s for real; a fan favorite; good-looking Hawaiian hails from Puerto Rico.

Snooter (10-1)

A legend in his own mind; shot in the 70s in the ’95 and ’97 Pinehurst WDI’s; is secretly working on his game; could be the darkhorse of the tournament; knows Pinehurst like the back of his penis.

Bro-Neck (12-1)

Since retiring from Aeroflot Airlines, game has improved dramatically as seen from his co-championship with Kapalua at Bay Hill – Lake Nona in ’05; has gone from a pretender to a contender; speaks fluent Russian.

Nick Leb (aka The Lebster Boy) (20-1)

A rookie retiree in his 50s (what’s that about) with a 10 handicap from North Carolina; has made his money in the pharmaceutical business selling drugs; local knowledge being from Carolina a plus; rooming with Snooter a real liability, should bring lots of hearing aids.

“Joe Bob” Pesce (25-1)

Rookie on WDI tour as well; has the game to contend; we’ll see which game Joe Bob brings; is consistently inconsistent, however; but has good golf pedigree; word of caution, don’t cross him on the golf course; you saw what happened to the bartender on Good Fellas; a top notch pediatric physician; if he grabs your balls and asks you to cough – you better hope it’s a real exam.

Boynie (30-1)

A perennial second place finisher (ask Sharon); won’t know what role his hernia surgery plays in the tourney (even if he had it – rumor has it that Boynie was spotted at a Nicklaus/Flick golf school the weekend of his surgery disguised as a used car salesman); will have to play his “A” game in order to win this tourney; usually brings his “D” and “F” games, however.

Fish (200-1)

Could be the winner of the WDI “Flash in the Pan Award” which is an oft-used phrase for the England ’04 WDI champ; has missed the cut in six straight tournaments since England; his handicap is going up and down faster than a frickin thermometer; dug himself a hole in the ’06 Michigan WDI that he couldn’t crawl out of; needs a hot putter in order to contend; needs two new bionic arms also in order to contend.

The Neck (201-1)

A washed up former Hitler youth; lives on yesteryear’s press clippings; virtually has no chance of winning, even though Pinehurst was the scene of his greatest victories; over the years, his strength and height have dramatically ebbed; he is now 5′ 1″; can only hit driver 165 yard (with the wind); after two nice martinis – usually genial personality turns into a megalomaniac, spurting out words like blitzkreig, luftwaffe, and sieg heil; has seen the Good German (starring George Clooney) 21 times; thinks it’s his autobiography.

Feeling quite despondent and depressed after his second WDI tourney collapse, the Neck secretly doubted his ability to be competitive again. While he thought Salmonella poisoning by his fellow WDI competitors was the cause of his downfall, he couldn’t prove it. So he embarked on a new route – self improvement. Miraculously, after talking privately with swing guru Butch Harmon and spending several sessions with golf shrink Bob Rotella, the Neck felt he was emotionally ready to play golf at his highest level again.

He even traveled back to his homeland, Germany, and chatted with his great uncle, Baron Von Hitler, about taking his lessons from “blitzkrieg warfare” and transferring it into golf.

All he had to do was to find a game with a couple schmoes and then take their money. The setting was perfect, Thursday, May 17th Kapalua’s 60th birthday. The schmoes, Fish, Hodge, and Kapalua were present but were unaware of the Neck’s plans.

Steel-eyed and full of piss and vinegar, the Neck strode to the first tee at Palma Ceia and confidently smacked the ball down the middle and then repeated this maneuver again and again. Yes, the Neck was back. He once again had that faraway gaze in his eyes remembering the past – leading his panzer group across the Polish border in 1939; doing a jig with his great, great uncle in Compiegne, France after the French surrendered and winning at Pinehurst in ’97.

Actually, the Neck played scary good and managed to pummel his fellow WDI competitors on this great day, and to add insult to injury, he aced number 13 with a six iron from 180 yards. The ball bounced once six feet from the hole and found its way to the bottom of the cup.

After slurping down his fourth free beer (Fish and Kapalua actually had to chase the Neck down from the parking lot after the round was over and drag him back to the men’s grill), Fish exclaimed, “Ach to Lieber, the Neck is back!” He may well be back, but will Torrey Pines take its toll? Tune in August for the results.

Yours in golf,

Rick Reilly