Well, boys, the May WDI Oklahoma Tourney is near. In anticipation of the WDI Southern Hills, the greenskeeper has called and informed me that they are cutting the greens especially low and keeping the rough intact in preparation for the WDI tournament. The press is already hounding me with questions and pictures of some of our favorite WDI players, so I told them just to meet us at the golf course, and we would oblige.

Remember that we cannot use credit cards at Southern Hills or the Golf Club of Oklahoma. So plan to bring either cash or personal checks to pay either my brother or the two other gentlemen who will be joining us. We will have our own bet based upon three-man teams as Prez Kap and his two Oklahoma members don’t want to participate in our bet, but they will do a $20.00-a-day bet with us instead. Broneck will be emailing you as far as what cash to bring for the bets and everything else.

I just received a phone call from Jimmy the Geek, Jr., and he is quite angry at people calling him a Mediterranean grease ball because he does his job and does it well. Once again, he has handicapped this tournament’s players and offered a little highlight as to each of their personal attributes. So here you have them, the handicap picks for The Oklahoma WDI.

THE OKLAHOMA PLAYERS

Prez Kap (100-1)

Always has played in the shadow of his famous golfing “and much younger” brother. A high handicapper who can get hot in streaks- just look at the streaks in his hair. Critics say his swing reminds one of a Vega-matic – he slices and dices his way down the fairway. Around the greens, he has a touch of a gorilla. However, you can’t bag Prez Kap too much, for he be the “host.” Also hails from Sicily by way of Corsica.

Tom Kelly “TK” (75-1)

A good-natured, Irish gent who loves golf and animals. Has a great sense of humor – you have to when you see his swing. Currently, raises cows for both profit and hobby. Watch out, Broneck, if you cross him, he is likely to throw a cow pie at you.

Bill Ramsey “Ramdog” (25-1)

Ramsey is a throwback to the 60’s – you know the guy who drove motorcycles, greased his hair back with axle oil, had his cigarettes rolled up in the sleeve of his t-shirt, played in the middle of the line in football, well, the speech is typical, county Oklahoma, and his golf game is atypical but fun. His name, Ramdog, says it all. He will be paired as a partner with Snoot Dog. What… that… was?!!

THE FLORIDA PLAYERS

Snoot (10-1)

The favorite went off as 5 to 1 in Orlando and was promptly DQ’d for breaking curfew. Actually, he finished with a flourish there – with that late surge (ala Iraq). Will that be enough to ward off his AI Queda like competition? Is hot. Just won his flight with Bobby Weed at the April Palma Ceia Member Guest. He is a gamer, a grinder, and he be the Snoot Doggy Dog.

Kapalua (12-1)

A major attraction to the WDI tourney. This Puerto Rican born, Hawaiian who hails from Sicily is still a hot commodity. After winning consecutive WDI titles in Michigan in ’06 and Pinehurst in ’07, he stumbled but finished tied for 3rd in the next two. Perhaps, his medical status has cleared him for a major jump start in Tulsa. His adoring fans long for him to be back in the winner’s circle again.

Broneck (13-1)

A slow yet steady vet. His play is usually unnerved notwithstanding the media pressure (what do you want from a former American Airlines captain). Has been in contention in the last four tournaments; his time could come as it did in Orlando ’05 when he posted a WDl low 73 on his way to his first co-championship.

Fish (14-1)

Fish’s game continues to memorize critics – he is hot; he is cold; sort of like a big, fucking pompano flipping on the grill. After he won at Bay Hill (with all those lucky breaks), he fell apart like a cheap suit at the Men’s Wearhouse. Let’s wait and see which game he brings to Tulsa.

Boynie (60-1)

Fish’s roomie – the other half of the topsy turvy twins; Heckle and Jeckle, Moe and Larry; well, you get it. He prevailed at Torrey Pines in ’07 and also goes into the tank soon afterward. Injury – smidgery. Does he have the chutzpah to play well or what? We’ll see.

Joe Babbo (65-1)

Had an early spurt in Orlando that sent him up the leaderboard – he credits that to a large plate of pasta fagioli. A dark-haired Sicilian who plays by the book (the Sicilian Book of Omerta) and would just love to rub out the competition, so to speak. He could be a comer or he could be a goer.

The Rocket (85-1)

What can we say about The Rocket’s game that already hasn’y been said – actually, not much. Has a heart of a 60 year old but the knees of a 20 year old. Vying to become the first American WDI Jew to tee off at Southern Hills. His play lately at Palma Ceia has been sporadic. Apparently, he is taking notes from Mr. HP Handicap Sand Bagger Brooksy.

Bolt (90-1)

The Bolt is back without the “lightning.” You could say his game is like a 90 year old; it lacks teeth. Trying to become the “comeback player of the year” – hasn’t played in WDI competition since he was spanked by Kapalua in Michigan in September of ’06. Will the drought continue? I think so.

Neck (101-1)

The poor guy, he continues to try to emulate his good pal, Kapalua, by buying new equipment. (He is no longer playing Persimmons clubs anymore.) Driver, three-wood putter, balls, etc., but the only way to improve the Neck’s game is to replace his short, stout body from his neck (so to speak) down. Is a has been, hang arounder and will finish way back in the pack.

So there you have it, a very objective handicap analysis by my good friend, Jimmy the Geek, who continues to be off his mark when it comes to handicapping the WDI tournament. We will see what happens in Tulsa. See you then.

Yours in golf,

Rick Reilly

In a slugfest, reminiscent of the great Ali-Frazier battles of yesteryear, Team Kapalua “eked” out a narrow 5 point win over Team Snooter after two grueling days of Ryder Cup Competition at the “Snoot 08 Atlanta” Father’s Day Extravaganza held on June 20 – 22.

However, after day one at Cherokee, the eventual Team Kapalua victory was in doubt for two main reasons. Number one, one of Team Snooter’s players, Kellen Oldham withdrew and was replaced by Tough Tommy Crozier (a 25 replaced by a 15) who promptly shot 81, and number two, one wonders how everyone got back to the hotel after dinner at Morton’s (luckily, The Ritz was right across the street).

That first night at Morton’s with true stories, made up lies, and drinks a-flowin amongst the four-pound porterhouse steaks and heavenly baked, potatoes, the fact that most of Team Kapalua’s players were younger golfers could have been a detriment. Joe Bob, Jr., Mudman, Jr., the Cohen Boys (how about their latest flick? Old Country for Old Fuckers), and little Joey Cappy were all under 25 years old (and all a lot inebriated). But like Mussolini’s Italian Storm Troopers, they rebounded on day two.

Team Snooter was riding high due to great golf played on Friday by Tough Tommy Crozier, Jake “The Snake” Nellis, his Dad “two birdies” Bill, his father-in-law Johnny Boy Blackmon, and his stepdad, Snoot and sons Alan, Brian, nephew Bill (“I can hook it, or shank it; you call it”) McNulty, son-in-law Jeff Hayden (who immediately signed up for 16 lessons from scratch golfer and forecaddie Paul/Peter Rhee) (together from this point on – except Gary/Mike

Rhee – referred to as “the related Snootees”), suddenly unraveled like crackheads at a Billy Graham crusade. I guess they foolishly expected to continue to advance the ball down the fairway in a linear path. Brian McNulty played like the poster child for Ray-Ray Golf (one hole you play like Ray Floyd and the next, you play like Ray Charles). But he contributed well on Saturday’s round with a tingling 101. The Sam Duffer foursome was boosted by Glenn Insley and his son MarshaII. They were not taking this writer’s interviews post-round, but word did make it to Tampa that Marshall asked Duffer for his daughter’s hand in marriage sometime over the weekend. Just think they get to add 21 more to the wedding party, all expenses paid!! I mean hell I’d certainly do that.

Team Kapalua, meanwhile, shaking off cobwebs of too much drink and too little sleep and especially backed by the play of the A-team (Adam and Alex Cohen, the One-Eyed Duke and Muddog Mudano who all shot in the 70s), rallied the maddening and excited crowd of wanna-be golfers of Atlanta who knew this competition was a must-see. Equally surprising was the play of Joe Bob, Sr., and Jr., Joey and Ryan Cappy, Little Stevie Sideburns, Mudman, Jr., and Kapalua (80). They should all be applauded for helping the Italian cause at Bear’s Best.

When all the scores were counted and all the whining finished (whining, by the way, is one of the rock-solid foundations of golf), Team Kapalua had snatched victory from the jaws of defeat by the narrowest of margins. Kapalua in his post-game interview at Pried’s Italian Restaurant in Buckhead was as gracious as ever as he pointed toward the McNulty Klan who were stewing in their drinks in disbelief and shouted “Youse guys played like crap!” Snooter was even more diplomatic as he fired back, “Fuck you, we ain’t paying!”

When all was said and done, it was a tourney like no others (actually, it was a lot like every WDI tournament) and one that should and could be played on an annual basis for years to come. New friends and relationships were made. Old friendships were renewed, and the father-son bonding was penultimate.

See you next year at a location to be determined.

Rick Reilly

P.S. Joe Bob, as of this writing, has still not returned to Tampa since his driving was a little suspect. Let’s just say he made the wrong turn at a One-Dollar Café in Atlanta and hasn’t been seen since.

It’s been decades since Sherman burned down Atlanta on a golfing bet between him and Robert E. Lee. (Sherman lost when “Robby” Lee birdied 18 to beat him by a stroke at a very young but gorgeous Cherokee Country Club.) While Sherman took an anger management course later that year, it didn’t help Atlanta.

Now, 143 years later, another battle for Atlanta is unfolding between two formidable armies (teams). Team Snooter (Blue) and Team Kapalua (Gray). In Ryder-Cup fashion: two 12-man teams will tee it up at Cherokee (site of that infamous WDI golf outing years ago) on Friday, June 20, 2008 before an expected sellout crowd and national TV. The following day Bear’s Best in North Atlanta will be host site, 30 miles from what is certain to be a recovering Cherokee staff and whatever female cart-cracks may be on the grounds for Friday’s opening round.

Minutes after the pairings were announced on ESPN by tournament director Snoot Doggy Dog, barbs, catcalls, and bravado remarks were sailing through the Internet. Small groups of muscled, dark-skinned Sicilians began streaming out of Atlanta’s Badda-Bing Club heading straight to Cherokee Country Club where they will apply for security for the tournament, much to the dismay of Team Snooter. “I don’t see why these Greasers are more qualified than the Blackwater Scots,” snarled Brian McNulty. “Plus, they’ll eat all the sausages and burp on our backswings.” Badda-bing.

A quick look at Team Kapalua contestants raises serious eyebrows. There is MadDog Mudano and son, from the Genovese family, Pistol Whipping Joe Bob Pesce and Son, from the Luciano family, Angie “The Lip” Cohen and sons, personal confidants of the Hyman Roth family (I hope you saw Godfather IT), Giorgio “Hitman” Capizzi and Sons from the infamous Tampa Trafficante family, and the One-Eyed Duke with adopted son, Little Stevie Sideburns, former bodyguards of the Lasagna Crime Syndicate, et al. Talk about greaseballs; they have more slick in their hair than the Exxon-Valdez oil spill in March of ‘89. Badda-bang.

But, Team Snooter isn’t made up of angels and cream puffs either. True the McNulty Clan make up the bulk of that Scottish- tartaned team, such as Bad Boy Brian McNulty, Anxious Allen McNulty, Jake “The Snake” Nellis, but there are other mommalukes as well, such as The Duffster, the Irksome Insley Clan, the Nasty Nellis’s, Johnny Boy Blackmon, and Kellen “Winslow” Oldham (son of great guy, father and friend, the late Ray Bob Oldham). It’s been rumored of-late that Kellen may be a no-show due to his job, but due to the long wait-list of prospective contestants, it appears the field will definitely be full at 24 players.

The magnitude of this event is not lost on one of Kapalua’s top teammates Captain MadDog Mudano, a veritable low-handicap hacker. “We can’t allow these Scot/Irish Mofos to come into our house and beat us.” Of course, Captain Mudano is reminded that Cherokee Country Club is not our house; it’s in Georgia. Let’s just say he got carried away in this mini drama. Whatever the result, the “Battle for Atlanta” proves to be a good one.

It appears that Buckhead security too has been beefed up for the upcoming onslaught sure to be dealt on the Cherokee and Bear’s Best courses by this fine group of golfers (well, some of them are fine; others – well whatever). Morton’s has had to rope off the upstairs “Board Room” to keep the paparazzi in check after the first round on Friday , and the SNOOT Italian contingent swears that the closing dinner hooliganism can be deftly managed by the group’s own in-shape ruffians.

Team Snoot and Team Kapalua were asked to give a short statement pre-tourney. George Cappy (a/k/a Kapalua) commented, “Boys will be boys, but our boys are all cultured Christian gentlemen, and there is no doubt our antics will generate much laughter and excitement as we work hard to beat those Irish bastards, but it will be done in a gentlemanly manner”. Snooter replied, “What a miserable bunch of unformidable opponents; their captain is supposed to be a leader, and he sounds off like we’re a bunch of schmucks. All I can say to those chaps, in the succinct words of our WDI counterpart Broken Neck: “GIRD YOUR LOINS”. “

THE FISH REPEATS PREZ KAP RULES AND LEGEND OF NUTSY FAGAN

By RICK REILLY, SENIOR SPORTS EDITOR – It was a cold, windy day in Oklahoma, and it took all you could to keep the ball in play at venerable Southern Hills, the sight of the 25th WDI Tournament. Small crowds of WOl groupies, ex-pilots and drunk Hooter girls cheered and jeered as the WDI’crs plunked, chunked and plodded down the famed Southern Hills course.
After day one, everyone’s favorite and four-time champion, Kapalua, and Fish and/or Cut-Bait had eked out a narrow one-shot lead over the second-place plodders, E3roneck and Joe Bob. Rocket Rosen and Snooter had played to the middle of the pack while comeback hopeful Bolt, the aging “broken” Neck and flash-in-the-pan Boynie brought up the rear. Meanwhile in the Oklahoma division 1K had parlayed a +5 day to a one-shot lead over Prez Kap and 7 over Ramdog.
That evening at a tasty barbecue dinner at Prez Kap’s sprawling Southern Hills ranch-style house with drinks-a- flowing and barbs¬a-throwing, the WD1 boys elated, from their first foray at Southern Hills, seemed rested and content. That was before the ghost of Nutsy Fagan reared his ugly head. A wingman extraordinaire, his past exploits seemed to embolden a tired, weary Little Clam Neck. Through thick cigar smoke and maybe one too many ouzo’s, the gauntlet was thrown out-play great golf the next day or eat shit and die. Fish was confident as he sat next to Blowfish, also known as Steve Melynk; Joe Bob kept knocking down ouzo’s at a record pace and Prez Kap’s cabinet of delicious Pyrat Rum took a beating. As the boys crawled back to their cars, the drunken Neck hollered back, to no
one in particular, “1 love you, Nutsy,” as he gazed at one of Prez Kap’s bronzed statues that surround the pool.

Day two was moving day, and it didn’t take long for Snoot Doggy Dog to fire a 79 (low round of the tournament) and take a one-shot lead over the soon-to-be disqualified Rocket Rosen, who was banished from the tournament for one too many limericks. Fish and Joe Bob lurked one shot back while Kapalua and Broneck limped in three shots behind, Prez Kap buoyed by his famous bean dish the night before, used its wind to his benefit to shoot a gassy +4 and take a commanding lead over fellow Oklahoma competitors by 7 shots.
Day three loomed eerily. Disciplined by Southern Hills Pro Dave Bryan for all around shitty play, the presence of countless tornados and the threat of Prez Kap’s impeachment by the Southern Hills Board of Directors – the WDI was forced to play its last round at the Golf Club of Oklahoma – Prez Kap’s other proving ground, so to speak. Prez Kap’s team, once again, prevailed due to his +14 day, and he easily raced to a +21 overall and first place finish in the Oklahoma Division (1K and Ramdog, his former friends, left the course early, pissed). Kapalua, Broneck and Joe Bob all had their chances on the Fazio-designed course but fell back. Especially Joe Bob, who could have been a contender until he triple bogeyed no. 18. Bladder Neck thought it was Sunday and played great golf (+4) (muttering throughout his round, “This shot’s for you, Nutsy.”), while Broneck staggered and flamed out and Boynie, yesterday’s hero, (and Kapalua look alike) went further in the tank. As for comeback hopeful, Bolt, he managed to upright his ship to shoot the low score of the day (8 1 ) to finish tied for 4th overall with his roomie, Kapalua, much to the disappointment of the
Tulsa Cat House Girls who dotted the course with their short skirts, halter tops, and t-back, fur lined panties.
In the end, without the benefit of any Jessie’s, Snoot Dog faltered and fell a shot short of the famed Sandicapper Fish (45). (He was a 9 just two months earlier,) Prez Kap, also known as the Corsican Pyrat, and playing without his famed golfing brother, Kapalua, but with his adopted brother, Short Neck, basked in the Oklahoma sun as he graciously accepted the aluminum Oklahoma WD1 trophy (which resembles a large penis attached to a bicycle seat). Tornado warnings notwithstanding, the Fish, also known as Maestro, had repeated. But could he 3-peat? Negative.
In the history of the WDl, only two puds had won consecutive tourneys, Bolt and Kapalua and did not 3-peat, but alas, the Fish will not and cannot vie for a 3-peat in Ireland in September of ’08 due to off-field agent disputes and family distractions. Nor will Broken Neck, his bro or past champ, Boynie be eligible for the Ireland Tourney because they ALL missed the cut. So who will be favored in Ireland of September of 108? Could it be the steely-eyed, smoldering, hot play of Snoot Doggy Dog (what dat waa) or Bolt, the Comeback Kid, once a Euro-Champ, maybe now a Euro-Chump or the surprising consistent play of Joe Bob or that sweet, swinging, good-looking, Puerto Rican, Hawaiian, Kapalua or one of the new rookies, Cabeza, Humpty, Babyface, or The Wildman. Or will it be the ghost of Nutsy Fagan?
Tune into ESPN 2 for the daily play-by-play action starting on September 1 4th by veteran ESPN anchors, Steve “Brofish” Melynk and everyone’s favorite Morrie.

See you in September,
Rick Reilly
Senior Editor, Sports IllustratedIESPN

Final Standings Florida Division:
1. Fish -7
2. Snoot -8
3. Joe Bob ‘.10
4. Tie Kapalua -12
Bolt -12
6. Neck -16
7. Broneck -17
8. Boynie -22
9. Rocket -6 WD/DQed

Oklahoma Division:
1. Prez Kap +21 (new WD1 record)
2. TK 0
3. Ramdog -4

The mammoth, silver-haired crowds were stampeding behind the ropes, hoping for a chance to see the tall, hairless wonder as he strode down the 18th fairway en route to his second WDI Major win. “The Fish” a.k.a. The Peruvian Sea Bass, who won in England way back in ’04, saw this win as redemption-that he could do it again after a winless drought of almost 784 consecutive tournaments in between. How he got to the lead on 18 proved interesting.

Due to increased pressure from the media, fans, and ESPN, the field was enlarged from 8 to 12 for this tournament. The venue was two rounds at Q-School courses: Panther Lake and Crooked Cat and two rounds at famous Bay Hill. Rookies like Lil Petey, Denise, Duffey and The Whaler were added to a star studded field that included the aging Neck, Bro-Neck, and perennial fan favorite and four-time champ Kapalua. Last year’s Rookie, Runner-up of the Year, Joe

Babbo (from Northwest Sicily) was having a great Spring, as was Hit-man Mudano (from Southeast Sicily) and Snoot- Dog. However, the past winner at Torrey Pines in August of ’07 and hoping to repeat, Boynie, encountered significant elbow problems en route to his second title. Bruised and broken but not beaten and playing without Morrie’s support, he courageously played his heart out but still finished last. “only” 44 points behind Fish.

But Boynie was involved in one of the best matches of the weekend with partner, Kapalua, at Bay Hill. You remember Kap, winner of the WDI at Pinehurst in April ’07, but fading fast, who unfortunately fell victim to one of the Neck brothers, – “stiff neck.” They were up against the tough low handicappers, Snoot (-7) and Hit-man Mudano (-7). Medical MASH units were lurking most of the day behind Kapalua and Boynie, luckily, out of their view. It was a clash of opposites and their upset victory was synonymous to the Giants win against the New England Patriots in Super Bowl XLLX. Spectators were left gasping for breath as the four golfers battled it out in a seesaw match until they came to the 18^th hole. Snoot-Dog, trying to emulate Roberto Gamez or Tin Cup’s Kevin Costner, knocked two in the drink dashing their hopes.

Back to the story, Fish had maintained a slight 1 point lead over Kapalua, BroNeck, The Whaler, and Joe Babbo on Thursday despite the seven birdies put up on the board by partners, Kapalua and BroNeck. After day two, he and BroNeck were tied for the lead at +1 at Crooked Cat due to BroNeck’s sparkling 79. But the Fish faltered on Saturday with a 91 at Bay Hill to fall into second place, three points behind 3rd round leader, the gritty, ex-champ Kapalua (-5).

Fish blamed his poor showing on one too many bottles of Cakebread wine at

Christini’s Italian Ristorante the night before.

However, on Sunday, not only were the final foursome of Kapalua (-5), Fish (-8), The Whaler (-9), and Joe Babbo (-10) all within reach of the coveted Pewter Cup but a great round from BroNeck, Mudman, Neck or Lil Petey could vault them also to victory. Snooter and Duffey had boycotted Thursday’s round due to lack of sponsors, perks, and respect and were promptly DQ’d, thus, making them ineligible for the Championship. On Sunday, for Fish, time had come to well, “Fish” or “Cutbait.” Whether it was divine intervention (Fish’s shots would strike rocks, bleachers, etc., and rebound onto the green for easy birdie putts); or a tough course – Joe Babbo (94), The Whaler (96), and Kapalua (92) had miserable back 9’s due to rotten lies, long rough, etc. The Pescado played like a

flambeaud Pompano shooting a sizzling 83 (+6) and finishing first at -2. On the verge of tears, Boynie, his roommate, was very proud of Fish’s achievements and blurted out for everyone to hear, “I sleep with the Fish,” much to the annoyance of several dark-skinned Sicilians who were standing nervously nearby and looking to arrange just that for Boynie.

Lil Petey, unable to locate his “you know what” finally found his game and jumped into second place at -9 while stiff-necked Kapalua limped in at third at -10 and the stout, short, aging Kraut, the Neck, who was constantly harassed by a group of anti-short, German people leapt up to fourth place at 14, his best finish in 14 years.

The first of the ’08 Majors now over, the WDI heads out west to Oklahoma and venerable Southern Hills, host of its 8^th Major Tournament (1958, ’77, and ’01 US

Open; 1970, ’82, ’94 and ’07 PGAs) the 25th WDI Invitational. Kapalua’s older and less handsome brother, Jose, or Prez Kap, also by way of Puerto Rico and Sicily will host and play in the Silver Anniversary Tournament accompanied by two other Southern Hills members, making this tournament one to remember.

See you then,

Rick Reilly

FINAL STANDINGS

1                      Fish                 -2

2                      Lil Petey         -9

3                      Kapalua          -10

4                      Neck               -14

5                      The Whaler    -15

6                      BroNeck         -17

7 (tie)              Joe Babbo     -20

7 (tie)              Mudman         -20

9                      Denise            -27

10                    Boynie            -46

After three rounds:

11                    Snoot-Dog     -9

12                    The Duffer      -25

As we approach the first tournament of the year with bated breath and edgy anticipation, we celebrate an expansion from 8 to 12 players. The last time we had 12 players was in 1996, the last time Snooter won this event. Actually, we played Cherokee in Atlanta (both courses), then Reynold’s Plantation (two courses) in August of ’96. Way back then, we weren’t using the quota system but relied instead on net handicap scores. Snooter broke out of a tight pack with Neck, Harlan and Ross Hayes and captured his ONLY WDI trophy.

So, can Snooter tease history and do it again? (His 12-year exemption is set to expire this year, and no one has yet offered him any exemptions.) Or can Boynie perform back to back miracles? Or can Kapalua rebound from surgery and regain his WDI mastery? Finally, who is going to sleep with Morrie?

Here are the updated handicap selections from our pal, greasy Jimmy “the Geek,” for the upcoming Orlando WDI.

Snoot, Doggy Dog (5-1)

This has to be his year for crying out loud. Has not been given a sponsor’s exemption for Orlando due to many missed cuts, last on money list, he sucks, etc. A win would net him Comeback Player of the year. (Amazingly, remember when Snoot started playing on WDI tour in 1968, he was touted as the next Gay Brewer?)

Fish (6-1)

Fish can be entering this tourney at the lowest handicap ever, 3. But can he swim upstream to snag the pewter trophy against stiff competition? If he can control his “fish hook” drives, he could be top dog. Sorry, Snoot.

Broneck (7-1)

Has really elevated his game (just like his old Lockheed Airbus 360) in recent years. Handicap at 5 or 6 is a reality. Last time at Orlando in ’05, he tied with Kapalua for championship. Can he do it again? Rooming with his brother – a real detriment.

Lil Peter aka Lil Petey (8-1)

Everyone knows where Hodge got his nickname from, but can Lil Petey, aka The Prez, play consistent golf to win? Probably, as long as he doesn’t have to play with Dennis, Galen, or Boynie. If you’re paired with him, you better perform. Ask Joe Bob. (Don’t tell me I need to make this Goddamn putt!”)

Boynie (9-1)

Boynie’s stock plummeted recently for two major reasons: falling over his cart at PC several weeks ago and cracking his elbow and news from California that Morrie can’t make it to Orlando. Critics doubt he can repeat, but with his sandbagging, cheating handicap, he is still a contender even though he is on injured reserve.

Mudman Mudano (10-1)

Playing in the second WDI outing. Mudman has something to prove after guaranteeing (a la Joe Namath) a victory in Michigan in ’06 and then limping home in 7th place. Is overconfident, but so are all Italians. Will be the 4th Italian-American playing in Orlando in ’08. A new record.

Joe Babbo (11-1)

Critics say Joe Babbo is not a tournament player but a country club player. Will try to prove his critics wrong. Has developed a personality disorder – Galen will be his 3^rd roommate in 3 tournaments. If he can overcome his personal demons (why he is always changing roommates, but not changing his underwear), he could go all the way.

Kapalua (12-1)

Stock has dropped dramatically for this 4-time, good-looking, Hawaiian-Puerto Rican-Italian, past champion since he was unable to 3-peat at Torrey Pines. This tourney should tell whether he is back or if he is “a shell of a man.” Recently, voted best-looking, WDI golfer by Mons Venus.

Daaneeese or “D” (13-1)

Got his nickname by playing in one too many husband and wife tourneys. Plus, look at his swing, oye-vay! A WDI rookie who promises to bring his C, D, or F game to Orlando. But can he get hot for 4 consecutive days? A real dark horse, but not as dark as Tiger.

GJ aka Whalen aka Galen (14-1)

Also a new WDI rookie who has played every Saturday for the past 43 years with Dennis. Knows Dennis’ game better than his own. (That’s why his swing is starting to look like Dennis’.) Is WDI’s 4th or 5th doctor participant this year, depending on whether we’ll allow Hodge’s college credentials at Dental U on Florida Avenue to pass muster.

Slipper Sam Duffey (15-1)

All we need to know about Snoot’s roommate is that “Duffey ain’t no duffer.” A 2-digit handicapper that likes to his the ball straight and relax with Johnny Walker.

Neck (100-1)

Finally finished a WDI tourney after being DQ’d in previous two (Michigan & Pinehurst). However, he brought his C+ game to Torrey Pines and finished 6th. Lost his players card as well, but received exemption after brother Broneck mortgaged his home (much to the chagrin of the Nuechterlein family). Has been trying to get Senior WDI tour going in Germany but too many people remember his role at Stalag 17 in ’44. A long shot for a little snot.

Well, there you have it. See you in Orlando. We’ll see who reigns next. The meeting is Tuesday, at 5:30 p.m. the 26th of February, Men’s Grill.

Kapalua

Gentlemen, I was saddened by an email forwarded to me by a former WDI’er, where you referred to me as a hanger-oner. I had not seen Bernard in many years and I longed for the day that I would re-connect with him. I did not mean to be a pest and certainly do not like to be the brunt of your cruel jokes. After all, I AM a human being, not fodder for your childish article.

Bernard and I had become very close in med school and I was crushed when he and Sharon wed, as I thought he and I would remain lovers forever!!! I fondly recall those cold winter nights, when he and I would huddle together in front of the fire and he would tell me all about X-rays and other really boring shit!

I was so proud of Bernard when he won the tournament, because I know how much it meant to him. I felt very honored when Bernard told me that my presence, and the pep talk I gave him before we went to bed the night before, is what spurred him to victory.

In closing, please do not judge Bernard by some bad decisions he made when he was younger. I know that the years have not been kind to me, but I was quite a looker back then. (Those were Bernard’s words, not mine).

Morrie

You’ve heard the old saying, “always a bridesmaid, never a bride” Well, finally wearing lavender with a lace sash collar, Boynie cast aside his own personal demons, a wounded but lurking Kapalua and his fellow WDI compatriots enroute to his first WDI Championship. “No threepeat for Kapalua” was his battle cry for five rounds in sunny San Diego, but he did have to battle to get there. He had to battle his nerves, his swing, and his old pal, Morrie, an old school chum who Bernie met when he went to med school in Pittsburgh in 1924. You see, Morrie, a neurologist, by way of the Orient, had no friends, or at least any appreciable friends, until Bernie came to town. He quickly became the 9th WDI player, but as a dinner regular only. This companionship and camaraderie from Morrie (which got a little sickening at times) could have been the catalyst to spur Boynie to victory.

Bernie had started off strong with a birdie on the first hole on the first day at Grand Del Mar in La Jolla, but after a poor showing at Torrey Pines (South), the U.S. Open venue for ’08, he was in second place at -3 trailing the past champ and leader, Kapalua, by only 2. Kapalua’s four birdies after the first two rounds gave him a confident air as he wolfed down a plate of CoquilIes St. Jacque that night at George’s in the Cove in La Jolla. But awakening on day three, Kapalua felt a pit in his stomach and pain in his left shoulder. It seems through unsubstantiated rumors that Bernie and Fish were sitting on Kapalua as he lay in bed, thereby causing his discomfort. At any rate, Kapalua went out on Torrey Pines North and shot 50 – 42 with four triples and dropped out of the lead.

On day three also, Snoot and Broneck were playing better. Snoot’s two rounds of 83 – 83 looked like vintage McNulty in his heyday, right before his devastating 10 – 8 defeat in the North-South Amateur Tournament as a teen by little-known golf phenom, Eddie Pearce. Neck and Fish were flopping along with up and down rounds, and nobody could find Hydenseek. Actually, Hydenseek couldn’t find his game until the last two days when he shot 86 – 81 to finish alone in 2nd place, 15 points behind the 16 handicap, sandbagging, MF, Bernie.

Joe Bob’s golf turmoil was evident again. While starting out with a not-bad 87 and -3 at Grand Del Mar, it appears that Kapalua’s snoring, the three-hour time difference, and one too many lemincelIo’s cost him dearly again, as he shot 96 – 93 – 91 at Torrey Pines and fell out of the running.

The Neck, a sentimental favorite, also ran and now eligible for the Old-Fart Senior WDI Tour made a gallant effort to return to glory. Not only did he shoot two respectable rounds in the 80’s (out of five rounds), he did manage to pull off a remarkable feat – he brought toothpicks, placed them between his eyelids and never fell asleep one time during this trip. However, thinking about it, it could have been a Neck lookalike. Boy, that’s a scary thought.

On the final day at La Costa, the conclusion was anticlimatic. Boynie at -6, Kapalua and Broneck -17, Hydenseek -18, Neck -20, Joe Bob -22, Snoot -24, and Fish -27. The only way for Boynie to lose was for him to sleep in. (Kapalua tried his best to keep his room dark.) But in the end, Boynie’s sparkling 83 on the tournament course at La Costa outdistanced the field. Snoot and Hydenseek’s 81 were the low rounds of the day and pushed Snoot up to a tie for third with Kapalua and Broneck.

As Bernie and the rest of the WDI players were finishing up on the 18th hole, word spread fast that Bernie was the new WDI champ. Expecting to see several hundred of his fans, Bernie only saw the one fan that counted most, Morrie, who was draped in a white, Philippino linen suit, waiting for him with a cold iced tea at the 18th hole.

The compelling questions we have to ask for this WDI is what part did Morrie play in Boynie’s championship? Two, did he provide Bernie with any illegal steroids or any other performance enhancing drugs that made Bernie play so well? Three, how did he manage to impute his Rasputin-like power over Boynie? These questions will be lingering on WDI lips for many years to come, but suffice it to say, that at the next WDI, Morrie will be someone else’s friend. He could be mine.

See you in ’08 at a forum not yet selected.

Yours truly,

Rick Reilly

Final round standings:

1          Boynie            +1

2          Hydenseek     -14

3 Tie   Kapalua          -17

3 Tie   Snoot              -17

3 Tie   Broneck          -17

6          Neck               -18

7          Fish                 -25

8          Joe Bob         -29 (ouch)

Tiger Woods, step aside – we have a more important golf story to report. History may be made this fall by a good looking, sweet swinging, Puerto Rican – Hawaiian who lives in the off season near Palermo, Sicily. (In his three-acre Italian Villa loaded with good looking toots.) Yes, Jorge Kapalua will be making WDI history by winning three consecutive WDI sanctioned tournaments 2006-2007 if he wins the Torrey Pines WDI this Fall.

The last attempt at a 3-Peat was made by little Stevie Bolter who won at Bandon Dunes in August of ’05 and Casa De Campo in May of ’06. His bid for a third consecutive title ended when Jorge Kapalua spanked Bolter badly in the Northern Michigan Invitational in September of ’06.

Bolter was leading the tournament by three shots going into the last day at the tough Bear course in Traverse City. (Sort of like Sergio Garcia at the British Open at Carnoustie.) It used to be when Bolt has the lead, “forget about it,” but crouching like a silver-haired cat, Kapalua waited for his swing to develop then leapt into action devouring the field. It wasn’t pretty. As a matter of fact, Bolter’s defeat was so devastating that he hasn’t shown his face since, nor did he enter the two WDI tournaments scheduled for 2007. He has become a mere “shell” of a man and remains emotionally distraught. When reached for a reply he declined comment through his dogs, Jenny and Buster.

For a handicap review of the contestants for the Torrey Pines La Costa ’07 WDI, we bring in Jimmy the Geek , Jr., for the handicapping.

Kapalua (3-1)

Even though he is a cagey, aging, WDI vet, he is one hot mofo – 3 championships in the last 5 tourneys and 15 consecutive top 8 finishes. Poised for the first ever WDI 3-Peat against a “weak” field. Should be a cakewalk unless he is poisoned. Wants to invoke drug and insect screening on WDI participants because of spider bites at the recent Pinehurst tourney. Is a fan favorite – had great tourney at Southern Hills Member-Guest in Oklahoma in June; played with: “he is heavy and he is my brother.” Voted best looking golfer by Pussycat Brothel in Tulsa. New golf sticks could propel him to the top of the leaderboard early.

“Joe Bob” (10-1)

Highly touted WDI rookie who burst on the scene in ’07 with a dismal 92 at Pinehurst #8. Hit the bottle heavily after that and went steadily downhill. After a short stint at Betty Ford, has handicap again looming around 10. Could be a force at Torrey Pines depending on what game he brings with him, A, B, C or D. Was severely reprimanded by Neck and Broneck for not having first aid kit in North Carolina. Because of that rebuke, was seen in Ybor buying drugs for upcoming WDI for Neck brothers. “A little hemlock?”

Broneck (12-1)

Former Russian fighter pilot who escaped Moscow during the purge in the 90’s. An old fart retiree who plays five to six times a week – a six handicapper who keeps getting better. Supposed to play in the final foursome at Pinehurst WDI in April ’07 but succumbed to his brother’s medical problems and was promptly DQ’d. Could be a contender, however.

Snooter (15-1)

Voted WDI comeback player of the year by his peers. (Joe and Mary Peers) Torrey Pines is the kind of course that caters to Snoot’s high, wind-carving drives. Won’t have the Lebster’s snoring drain his strength, so he can play 18 holes “strong like bull.” Main drawback, hasn’t been in winner’s circle since the Atlanta WDI in August of ’96. Could be California dreaming – if he brings sleep apparatus.

Boynie (16-1)

Three straight second place finishes four out of past six tournaments suggests this could be Bernie’s time. NOT! Age could be a huge factor. He is getting older and looking older. Time may be slipping away for him to be competitive, plus he dumped his swing guru, Ledbetter, for the guy who gives tips for free in Golf Digest. Cheap Bastard. Odds are huge that he will fade in the California sunset just like Ronald Reagan, or fold like a cheap suit at the Men’s Wearhouse (again).

Fish (20-1)

Critics are saying that his ’04 England WDI victory may be a flash in the pan (or steroidal-linked) Urine sample results leaked out recently suggest BALCO – TIES. Has naked photos of Barry Bonds and Lance Armstrong in his locker at Palma Ceia. Is worried about commissioner’s investigation – could be reason for poor showing in last five WDI’s. Time is of the essence. He does have to fish or cut bait.

Hyden-“Seek” (25-1)

Unknown rookie – friend of Snooter’s. An experienced 7 handicapper, who is a late bloomer and a baby boomer. “Won’t have replay of the Lebster.” Strong game is driving. Drives a hot-red mustang. A rookie hasn’t won WDI in his first outing since Logan in ’95 by one half stroke over Kapalua at TPC, Palm Springs. This longshot could be a contender.

Neck (100-1)

By a narrow vote of four to three by the WDI Exec. Committee, Neck barely kept his WDI tour card (Broneck was one of the three). DQ’d in past two tournaments (for not finishing). People are’ wondering whether he has any “staying power.” (Including his good wife Catherine) His adoring fan base has shrunk from 500 to 2 in the past two years (his wife and himself). He had to go back to the fatherland (Germany) prior to the tournament, in July for some well needed advice from Great Uncle Adolph Von Nuechterlein. Used to blurt out strong German words like conquest, blitzkreig, and danzer. Now uses weak words like capitulation, retreat, and liebramilch. A very, very, short dark horse.

There you have it sports fans, an up-to-date recap of the participants for the fifth major of the year, the WDI Torrey Pines Fall Classic.

See you in sunny California.

Yours in golf,

Rick

A funny thing happened enroute to the Neck’s bid to win his third WDI Jacket at Pinehurst. (He won there in ’95 and ’97.) He was derailed – by a train wreck called Kapalua. The very first hole on the very first day of the 17th WDI tournament set the tone – Neck triple bogie; Kapalua – par. The rest of the weekend was a recurring nightmare for the squat, short, mustachioed, former Gestapo henchman. He never recovered.

The svelte Snooter, down to 146 ½ pounds, felt like a WDI rookie playing like he did in his youth – and fought his way into the final four on Sunday only to see his hopes dashed, by the undulating and punishing greens of Pinehurst #2 (it’s no wonder that John Daly is his idol).

Broneck, the elder, German statesman and WDI treasurer, also was playing like a man/pilot possessed. Shooting 80 on the first day and following that excellent round with scores in the low 80s as well as the tournament’s low round of 79 on Pinehurst #7, he was poised to make a run on moving day – only to get the “runs” from his brother and sit out Sunday’s round. (After Saturday, he was only 11 points back of the leader.)

Fish and/or cut bait forgot about his horrid first round score in Michigan last year and played inspired golf for four days, charging into the final pairing on Sunday at -3, three, three shots off the leader- Kapalua. Fish was seen late Friday night attempting to contact the only person able to throw a curse on Kapalua – his roomie, little Stevie Bolster. But, alas, he couldn’t reach him. On Sunday, Fish’s boomerang drives as well as his fishhooks cost him dearly as he seemed to play more like a rookie than a vet and finished third, 10 shots back. Speaking of rookies, Joe Bob and the “Lebster” added a new look of bravado to the group, but rookie nerves, jittery putting, and too many Seabreezes ended their hopes early. Joe Bob, however, was called into action as a physician when the Neck went down after the second round. Quick, decisive action and prompt medical treatment kept the Neck out of action until Sunday – but by then, he was a mere shell of a man. Joe Bob finished fifth and the Lebster sixth since the Germanic brothers couldn’t play at least one round due to their bubonic plague-like symptoms.

That left the only other person qualified enough to derail Kapalua – Boynie. Boynie a well-known, bespectacled radiologist with questionable credentials as a golfer had finished second in England in ’04 and second in the Dominican Republic and Michigan WDIs in ’06. He was the last, great, white, Jewish hope. Could he stare down Kapalua and make him blink first? Could he overtake the hard charging Kapalua with his shitty rock-the-baby swing? Did he have the chutzpah to come out on top for once? Of course, the answer is no – but I have to finish the story.

Kapalua, the good-looking, Puerto Rican, Hawaiian, who lives in Sicily in the off season, was not about to fall apart like a cheap suit at the Men’s Wearhouse (but he did start leaking oil badly on Sunday on the last two holes). Trying to become the second WDI’er to win back-to-back titles since the Bolt, he burst out of the gate quickly making pars and birdies and taking the lead on Wednesday, never relinquishing it. Tied with Boynie at level par on Wednesday and increasing his lead to eight over Fish and Broneck on Friday, he was bit near the groin by insects on Saturday’s morning round and limped into the clubhouse Saturday evening with a mere one-shot lead over Boynie and three over Fish. (Rumor has it that a current WDI’er – tall, bald with glasses, who could be Boynie’s roommate – was known to have purchased three brown recluse spiders on Ebay late Friday evening – Per Qua?)

Saturday’s final round at Pinehurst #2 opened with beautiful skies, gorgeous weather in the 50s and two spectators (raccoons). Kapalua and Boynie traded shots for 12 holes back and forth like those great golf matches back in the old days between Orville Moody and Gay Brewer, Doug Ford and Jerry Barber and so on. But number 13 on Pinehurst #2 was the turning point of the match. With the match tied, Kapalua slammed a 260-yard drive down the middle and lifted a seven iron to five feet for birdie while Boynie double bogied the hole. When Kapalua parred 15 and 16 to take an eight-shot lead with two to go, it seemed over.

Okay, back to the oil leaking story. Boynie’s birdie and Kapalua’s triple bogie on 17 shrunk his lead to three with the famous 18th finishing hole ahead. Could Kapalua regain his composure? Could Kapalua overcome the bad memories of his collapse on 18 at La Quinta in ’95 to give the cup to Harlen by one half stroke? Could he overcome his demons and his swollen, spider-bit groin/leg? Well, not really. He hooked his drive into a bush, played it out left handed, and managed to ONLY double bogie the 18^th. Meanwhile, the surging Boynie struck his hybrid two-wood to within two feet of the cup. If he makes it, he wins. If he doesn’t, he comes in second for the fourth time…………………… Boynie strikes the putt and misses! Kapalua wins 2-straight majors. Great story. Great ending.

Best,

Rick Reilly

P.S. See you in Torrey Pines August ’07.

Aloha!