THE DUKE OF ERIC (2-1)

Gotta give the big guy the edge, has won last 2 WDls in Alabama and Michigan in ‘09; the last one on the last hole with a birdie. Only issue is emotional instability—can he “beat-off” his personal demons to win an unprecedented 3rd consecutive. Never been done before. Thinks Frank Nobilo is his hero. Nobilo, on the other hand hates him.

SNOOTDOG (3-1)

Tied with Duke for 1st place honors in Alabama in ‘09 and continued his hot streak by leading Michigan WDI last Sept. for 179 holes, until hole 180 (we all know what happened). Of course, some say (M. Mudano) having his handicap increase to 10 certainly has helped. Strength training and yoga seems to have paid off in ‘09—-lost weight, only drinks 4 Jessies a day. Plans to sabotage roomie/competitor, Duke, by deliberately forgetting his sleep apparatus. The sun could shine on the Snootdog’s ass on Sunday if his plans go w/o a hitch.

DENISE aka THE MENACE (4-1)

You can’t count out The Menace after last year’s SURPRISE win. Already gesturing via e-mail that’s he’s the man to beat (I would too, if I had 18 pops). Barely lost WDI Golfer of the Year Award to the Duke by 759 votes (out of 760). If you think you’ve figured out a way to beat him by stealing his 7-iron think again—-in his bag he has a 23 yr. old wooden driver, a 22 yr. old 5 wood and eight (8) 7-irons. Finished 9th in ‘08 with scores of 98, 95, 104 and 93. Won in ‘09 with scores of 88, 84, 90 and 97. So which Denise will show up– the one with the fat ass and smelly crotch OR the one with the shaved pussy and big tits? Tune in.

BOYNIE (5-1)

Last year finished in a tie w/Kapalua and has followed that up with a strong December at PC. A former champ who fell on hard times (and hard golf carts) wants to prove he’s no 1-win wonder (although we know he is). Only problem–his handicap has dropped to a respectable 15, which means he has NO chance at all. But, even Boynie can beat Mudano.

KAPALUA (6-1)

Who can count out the good-looking Sicilian/Puerto Rican/Hawaiian? Not me. Finished 3rd at Bay Hill in ‘08 as an 11, 2nd in ‘09 as a 10. Ok, ok, ok—when he last won at Pinehurst in ‘07, he was a 14. At that time, rumors of his assassination (look at ‘07 Reilly article re: brown recluse spider bite) were rife. Playing to a 10 now probably has decreased his chances of winning (look at all the sandbaggers on WDI tour) but has increased his chances of staying alive. If he gets “en fuego”—Iook out!!!!!

JOEBOB (7-1)

The well-used mantra…..”The best player not to have won a major” has to go to Joebob, after his sterling hole-in-one @ PC last week on #13 (used a 7-iron for his 181 yd. ace) Was wheeling with Kapalua and still lost $$$$ to Agliano. However, didn’t play well at last WDI in Mich./Oakland Hills. Said he felt “drugged”. Could his roomie have laced his ‘hummer’ with a date rape drug? Played well at Bay Hill in ‘08, when he played in final foursome. His time could come!

LIL PETEY (8-1)

Was a contender in ‘08, when he finished 2nd to a Hot and Hot Fish by 7 points. And he was voted by WDI peers as “The Best Club Thrower of the Decade 2000-2010. What an honor. But, if he has to play even 1 round with Agliano, he probably will be dead meat. Spiked blood pressure a reality. Let’s say Lil Peter will make a “run”, but in the end he will falter and become Saltpeter.

FISH (9-1)

The Floundering Flounder last won at Bay Hill in ‘08 and followed it up with a win at hallowed Southern Hills in Tulsa by 1 point over a disappointed Snooter later that summer. Since then, he fell apart like a cheap suit at Wal-Mart. Has gone from a 13 to a 16 handicap; but he gets hot—it’s going to be a fish-fry for the big sea-bass.

BRONECK (10-1)

How would you feel to be ‘big brother’ to the Blather Neck all these years? Some call it guilt by association. Has been called “too soft” by his critics (Carl and Cathy Critic) for coddling his ‘little brother’. Feels he could have won numerous WDI titles over the years, instead of ONLY one at Bay Hill in ‘05 (actually it was a tie with the sweet-swingin Kapalua) if he had a different roomie. But, alas, life throws us detours. Broken driver in Mich. cost him last year—-but if he loses in Orlando, it could be a broken heart.

GALEN (11-1)

The Whaler comes into 2010 tourney sharp after missing ‘09 WOI due to eye strain—Iooking at too many bushy pusswahs. Letting his partner Von Thron take over a major share of bushy pusswahs has Galen singing a different tune. But, can he flash the brilliance he displayed in ‘08, when he played in final foursome only to fade. Red-faced after his poor showing at Bay Hill in ‘08, he has vowed to throw a wrench in the field. Could he be a dark horse or just a red-faced horse?

MUDMAN (100-1)

You’re absolutely right Mudman–you’re chopped liver with a 7 handicap with these bums. While I can’t repeat in print what the WDI boys have privately said about you, the Media says the only chance you got is NO CHANCE. Rumors from Italy, especially Palermo aren’t good either. Highest finish in Orlando was in ‘08–seventh; slipped to (yikes) 9th in ‘09, even with respectable scores of 83, 83, 87 and 85. Not rooming with Kapalua could be a plus, but oh, oh—–he’s shacking up with Denise. TOAST!

NECK (1000-1)

You know some things NEVER change and that means Mike” Longshot” Nectarine is destined for another paltry WDI showing. Traveling has worn out this short, stout Kraut to the point where he “is a shell of a man.” He’s got nothing left in his tank, but guts and determination. But guts and determination don’t win WDI majors. So, gents, let’s just cater outwardly to his vanities, while we all know in our ‘heart of hearts’ that he’s all washed up. Maybe someone should buy him a ‘nice’ martini. Last win was in ‘97, not 1897. But, if the stars align and luck prevails……no forget it.

An anxious, but anal retentive James A McNulty was relaxing on a brown leather Coventry couch, puffing on a good Arturo Fuente No. 2, facing the 1st hole at Forest Dunes from his luxurious 6 bedroom villa and sipping a double shot, no foam grande latte. And smiling. Smiling, because he still maintained a 4 point lead after 4 tough rounds @ Oakland Hills, Arcadia Bluffs and Crystal Downs. Today was the final round of the 2009 Mich. WDI at Forest Dunes in Roscommon. And to boot, his chief competitors, according to him, were a ‘bunch’ of fucking puds. But these ‘puds’ weren’t ordinary puds, they were ex-WDI champ puds.

He was 6 points ahead of that Krafty Kapalua, 2006 Mich. WDI Champ. The good-looking Hawaiian-Puerto Rican trick shot artist had experienced a roller-coaster week, playing well at Oakland Hills and shooting 37 on the front side at Crystal Downs. But personal demons, sore shoulder, bad abdomen, sore crotch etc. got the best of him. However, he was still lurking in 4th place, ready to spring like a wolverine. Snooter was 3 points ahead of the aging Neck, (‘58 Babe Zaharias Champ) who like a Tom Watson wannabe, suddenly found his game laddie. His play that week was vintage Neck back in the day. But getting up at 3 am daily, walking the course, doing calisthenics and hitting 2,000 practice balls had finally sapped his strength. Only one competitive pud was left–the Duke of Eric (Rahenkamp) (2009 Alabama WDI Champ).

Snoot smiled again.”I can beat that Frank Nobilo-Iook alike with my eyes closed. I got 4 handicap points on that tall drink of water, before we even tee off. And I’m 4 points up on him right now. Plus, when I played with the bearded wonder yesterday, he was slicing and dicing on his way to a 77.” In his best spanish-dialect he learned so many years ago at Jesuit High in Tampa–Snoot whispered to himself “No problema” and smirked. And “find a shaver, deuchebag.”

Snoot would not smile or smirk again—that day.

Before we proceed with the cataclysmic conclusion, what happened to the other 4 contenders/pretenders? Well, in order–JoeBob, under a haze of Ambien and booze, couldn’t get out of the box at Oakland Hills and Arcadia Bluffs. The pre-tournament favorite at 2-1 by Jimmy the Geek had been “en fuego” all summer, carving up Palma Ceia like a Thanksgiving turkey, and taking the ‘boys’ money on Sun. morning. His 98-92 start was the end of the Italian Scallion.

The Galloping Grouper, Fish, had an ok start, shooting 88, 89 at Oakland and Arcadia and climbing up the leaderboard to tie for 3rd, but shot 96 at Crystal and plummeted to the bottom of the ‘sea’, faster than his cousin, Charlie the Tuna. Boynie, meanwhile had started out as a 16 handicap, but w/out his personal companion and cheerleader, Morrie went downhill fast with 95-90-97and was old news. One redeeming item was that on the final day, Boynie had managed to climb up to a 22 handicap, shot 93 and won a ton of money. What is Jewish for ‘sandbagger’? Finally, Broneck. After a sterling opening round 80 at Oakland, he broke his driver which broke his heart which broke his spirit and he limped in last.

Now back to the exciting conclusion. Saturday in Michigan dawned with fog rolling in like little cat’s paws over the 6900 yd course. Even though no one could have predicted it, the final round collapse of Snoot-Doggy-Dog rivals some of the biggest collapses in sports history (Arnie losing to Billy Casper at Olympic in ‘65, after being up 7 with 9 to play; the Red Sox losing the pennant to their dreaded rivals, the Yankees, in a 1 day playoff game after leading the division by 10 games with 2 weeks to play; or, FSU tying Florida 31-31 in ‘96 after being down 31-0.)

As Snoot glared down the first fairway, with his heart pounding like a drugged up

whore, all he thought was “Don’t duckhook it into the trees.” Which is exactly what he did. The Duke of Eric smelling ‘blood in the water’ struck his tee shot 250 down the middle, hit a short iron to a undulating green and made birdie to Snoot’s bogey. The game was on. By the end of 9, Kapalua and Neck were playing like the schmoes Snoot thought they were. Duke’s play had suddenly turned mediocre and Snoot led Duke by only 2 points. Snoot said to this reporter, “I felt uncomfortable to start the round, probably due to dinner last nite. I think the 5 double vodkas (aka Jessies) and 6 bottles of Silver Oak cab unsettled my stomach–but I still played my ass off, because I am the Snoot-Doggy Dog.”

Kapalua, meanwhile, had found his form and birdied 10 and 14 to mount a late challenge while Little Clam Neck had also been playing more bettterer and made 4 consecutive pars. But, for these puds, it was too little too late. After parring 15, 16 and 17 to match the Duke’s pars, Snoot stepped up to the 18th tee holding a tenuous 2-pt. lead. Although, he didn’t know it. Actually, no one knew except the Duke. You see, he bribed the scorecard carrying blonde and sent her on her way smiling, with dollar bills seen stuck to her bra-strap–plus the electronic scoreboards weren’t operable either, after a wire had become disconnected. Hmmmmmmm.

Anyway, the 18th at Forest Dunes is a 521 yd. par 5, with a huge bunker left and

gorse right, which gently turns from right to left to a kidney-shaped green surrounded by water on 3 sides and a deep bunker in front. Which is where Snooter found his 3rd shot. Duke’s gap wedge hit the green and left him an uphill 19 ft. putt for birdie. Shouts of WHAT DAT WA were drowned out by gasps from the teenage groupies, as Duke Nobilo calmly sank his putt while Snoot double-bogeyed. Snoot had led the WDI for 89 holes–Duke led on the 90th.

New Zealand’s own Duke Nobilo had just won consecutive WDIs. Surrounded by the hounding press, gorgeous semi-clad groupies and his lawyer who was trying to hammer out Duke’s prenup, Duke retreated to his villa for post-game interviews. In the scorecard tent, there were 2 Snoots. He was beside himself. Distraught, he tried to plunge his scoring pencil deep into his veins. But, alas, there was no more lead in that pencil, so to speak. Actually when all is said and done, it was a gallant fight—one for the ages. (Look at ‘95 WDI Palm Springs, also decided on last hole–Harlan vs. Kapalua).

In the end, even though some members of the press along with some WDI vets unfairly castigated me and my work as heavily biased and slanted toward certain special golfers, I take exception to those remarks and notwithstanding the play by

Little Clam Neck, I stand by my pre-tournament odds. Hey, even a blind squirrel usually can find an acorn.

See you next year on the WDI 2010 Tour.

Golfingly yours,

Rick Reilly

FINAL SCORES

1          Duke               -8         75-81-82-77-80

2          Snoot              -10      81-79-87-87-88

3          Neck               -11      87-86-83-89-90

4          Kapalua          -13      84-89-84-86-89

5          Boynie            -17      95-90-97-96-93

6          Fish                 -20      88-89-96-93-101

7          Joebob           -28      98-92-94-90-94

8          Broneck          -29      80-91-86-87-84

TWO-MAN TEAM

1          Duke and Neck                     -19

2          Snoot and Boynie                 -31

3          Kapalua and Joebob            -42

4          Fish and Broneck                  -46

Who will hoist the aluminum Commissioner’s Cup, emblematic of the “Best damned WDI golfer in Michigan” this September in the Final Major of the Friggin Year? Will it be a red-hot Kapalua who was “en fuego” for most of the summer or his roommate Joe Bobbo, also on a hot streak? Or could it be the Alabama co-winners Snooter and Duke trying to “repeat?” And finally, who will be the new T.C. Chen at Oakland Hills? (Morrie’s not playing)

Thanks to my good friend, Jimmy “The Geek” he will “honestly” handicap the field for September’s tourney.

Jorge Kapalua 2 – 1

The sweet-swinging, good-looking Puerto Rican/Hawaiian seems to be the odds-on favorite in Michigan. Won there previously at Treetops in 2006 over nine grueling courses culminating with a final round 79 at the Bear in Traverse City, beating a premiere field of top 100 golfers. So he has the experience. His swing coach, Butch Harmon says “Kap has never hit the ball more weller (Diane) then this summer. I pick him to win it all.” Voted outstanding smart, MOFO WDI Golfer by the girls at Mons Venus, he needs to win this event to salvage his year. As you know, a year without a WDI major is a failure to “Eldrick” Kapalua.

Neck 100 – 1

Back in the prime of his life, he was ALWAYS a fierce competitor. His German

stock prohibited him from “taking a dive” or crying when behind. (There’s no crying in golf, Neck.) Back in the day, in the final round on Sunday afternoon, a hard-charging Neck put fear in the hearts of all players; but that was then. Now, he is a shell of a man. Drives go 155 – 160 yards max, nine-iron’s 65 yards max; can’t putt, chip or chew gum. Chili dip is his favorite food. Flying from Michigan to Tampa to Austin on a weekly basis has given him a million free Delta Sky Miles, but, unfortunately, has sapped his strength. Was DQ’d in last Michigan WDI in 2006 and disgraced before his Michigan fans, all two of them. Predicted finish – “LAST.”

Boynie 99 – 1

His playing career can be likened to the blockbuster movie hit, “The Wreckage of

the Andrea Doria.” It may be finally time for Boynie to have that surgery to remove both his arms and replace them with arm prosthesis. Up-and-down play/career currently in down mode. Has slim chance of victory, but could be spoiler as partner. (In other words, he’ll spoil his playing partner’s round/day.) Playing very Baddely (as in Aaron) lately. Won’t be playing with regular Saturday morning playing chum, Denise, who he has played with for over 40 years. (And Morrie is nowhere to be seen either.) Could be significant detriment to young Boynie Stein.

Fishman 98 – 1

Another ex-WDI champion who has seen his glory days come and go (see WDI ’08), but has fallen on hard times. Some say his game recently smells like “rotting mackerel.” New clubs could be the reason or looking at Mitzel’s swing all those years could also be a factor. The big question is, can the “flopping flounder” rebound in time to win at Michigan? The answer – a resounding “NO.” Of course, if his handicap remains at 17, he could “swim” in the back door.

Snoot. “The People’s Player” 4 – 1

After years of abject failure following his first WDI win in Atlanta in ’97, the Snoot

Dog baffled his pundits, with a co-championship win this past May in Alabama. His ’09 play, however, reminds one of an ex-champ who battles years of alcohol, drugs, bitches, and depression and then wins again. Could Snoot be “on the road to recovery?” A repeat win would put him in the premiere class of consecutive WDI winners – Bolt, Kapalua, Fish – all the men he has looked up to and admired all of his miserable, wretched life. Come on, Snoot Dog, you can do it. WAT DAT BE!

Duke 5 – 1

After posting a second place finish at Bandon Dunes in August of ’05, the Duke of Eric fell off the wagon and left the WDI tour. However, after losing his card after Bandon Dunes due to poor eating habits and lousy golf course strategy, the Duke found God. After all, he was touted in 2001 as “promising New player on WDI Tour.” The Duke displayed flashes of brilliance but never won a Major – till Alabama ’09. With the weight of the world off his back, can he resurrect his career before he marries? (In Oct.?) Will he have a great time at his bachelor party? (post WDI tourney) Could he lose his passport in Canada? Will he wake up in a Canadian jail cell smelling of whiskey and stale perfume? Tune in after the Michigan WDI to find out the answers.

Broneck 6 – 1

Oldest living player in WDI history, 89 year old Broneck is still in the competitive

mode. He plays only two majors a year to preserve his strength. Although he last won in ’05 in Jacksonville/Orlando WDI tying with Kapalua at Bay Hill, he has competed well in subsequent WDIs while eating a solid diet of oatmeal and pablum. Broneck is an excellent two-man partner with a deliberate stroke. However, following his retirement from Aeroflot Airlines, Broneck’s handicap has steadily plummeted to a zero. Does he have the stamina to play well in his own Michigan back yard? NEIN!

Joe Bob 3 – 1

Joe Bobbo, known affectionately by his child patients, as “Doctor Wop” has been

striking the ball pretty Diane (Weller) lately. But he could be peaking a little prematurely, if you know what I mean. Was recently caught “peeking” in his car at Hooter’s parking lot by Tampa Police several months ago. Spending the week in the slammer has changed his resolve to win in Michigan. However, doesn’t take well to Italian curses when he is playing good golf. Otherwise, could be the dark horse of the field assuming he doesn’t drink vodka with cranberry following that up with a couple lemoncello’s. Looking forward to “spooning” with bi-sexual roomie, Kapalua.

Well, there you have it sports fans. Thanks, Jimmy, for your “honest” input. See you at Oakland Hills. Remember, recorded play to be aired on ESPN “3” from 3:00 a.m. to 5:00 a.m., Tues. – Sat., September 21 – 26.

Rick Reilly

Say it ain’t so Snoot? For the first time in the past century, the Snoot is not a single digit ‘no mo’. The last time he was a “10” was when Miss Woods, a black lady, sat at a dime store counter in Selma, Ala., circa 1951. When contacted by this reporter for his response, he wept profusely. Then he stood up and exclaimed” I’m winning the Alabama WDI”.

When contacted at his Caribbean resort, Jimmy the ‘Geek’ immediately changed Snoot’s odds to 8-1, “He’s capable of putting up some good scores, because he is a grizzled vet. If he does so early, watch out.”

Some of the WDI Tour’s players offered their comments:

Hyden-Seek—Is Alabama a dry state?

Mudman–If it is, Snoot is in trouble.

Prezkap–If he was a 10 at So. Hills, he coulda won.

Duke–He sucksl

Kapalua–His 2-man partner Boynie said he’s not playing.

Whatever. Here are the Alabama handicaps: Duke–3; Hackster–5; Kapalua–9; Snoot–10; Joebob–12; Fishman–14; Stevie Sideberns–16; Boynie–17

Yours in sports,

Rick Reilly

While the PGA boys were playing in Jacksonville at TPC Sawgrass on the second week in May, a different drama was unfolding on the WDI tour in Birmingham, Alabama. A resurgent Snoot Doggy Dog and grizzled vet, The Duke of Eric, battled to a tie after five grueling rounds at a rain shortened Alabama WDI. Play stopped after 13 holes at the Oxmor Valley Ridge course on the Robert Trent Jones Trail on Sunday with both players tied at +7 (first time WDI has been rained out). However, the last time the WDI ended in a tie was in 2005 when Kapalua and Broneck went toe to toe at Bay Hill in Orlando.

However, it didn’t start that way. Kapalua, one of Jimmy the Geek’s favorite to win the tourney at 6-1 odds, shot 79 at hallowed Shoal Creek with four birdies to take the early first round lead by 6 (at +6) over Snoot (0) and The Duke (-1), but mosquitoes, flesh eating flies, and wine jitters from Cafe du Pont that evening caused Kapalua’s demise. Even though he shot 82 the next day at Old Overton, the field was gaining on him and he would never regain his first day form.

Pity. Stevie No Socks, aka Steve Sideburns and The Duke (72) played like PGA

pros to tie for the second round lead at Old Overton while Kapalua fell to second place. Duke’s even par 72 was the lowest gross total in WDI history besting BroNeck’s 73 at Lake Nona in 2005.

Fish, Boynie, and Joe Bob, meanwhile, started out slowly posting high numbers while the Hackster, Fish’s protege and current TGH ER resident, shot an 82 at Shoal Creek. Hack was low medalist 32 years ago at Shoal Creek at age 30 at the U.S. Amateur but couldn’t play like the Hack of old. As the play continued to venues at Greystone (site of the Champions Tour for many years) and Ross Bridge, the tide (as in Alabama) turned. The Duke and Stevie No Socks continued their sterling play, but it was the imaginative golf course management and gritty short play of Snoot that won the fans of Alabama. Many of the Charade Dollhouse Girls lined the course wearing their trademark red t-backs with “We love the Snoot” pasties.

Spurning drinks, cigars, and late night partying, Snoot parlayed his newfound

energy (boring) to vie for the lead after four rounds. Shooting 38 on the front 9 at Oxmor Ridge on Sunday in round five, one could only imagine what coulda, shoulda, woulda if the last six holes had been played out. Could Boynie, aka Mr. Shanksalot turn his game around in time to contend? Could a red-hot Joe Babbo, Duke’s partner in the two-men cumulative bet continue to make a strong comeback. How about the Hackster making a late run as well. The Fish, however, was out of fuel and flopping around like a fish out of water, ergo; he was of no value for the second straight WDI. And there were two Kapaluas – he was beside himself.

So, as the drama unfolded on Sunday, it was anybody’s ball game. Seven players were within eight points of the lead. After a delicious meal at Highlands Grill on Saturday night in Birmingham and many bottles of tasty Silver Oak Cabernet as well as too many “nice” martinis, the sports media was unsettled as to who they should follow on Day five. Would it be The Duke, “I hit 13 greens, but 3 putted 17 at Shoal Creek. The second day I hit 17 greens but 3 putted 16. Then, the third day… ” blah, blah, blah (boring). Or how about the Snooter? Vying for his first maroon jacket (size 42) since Atlanta ’95 was his usual “What Dat Wa?” Playing to his first ever 10 handicap, he shouted, “Suck on this big hog!” shot after shot much to the delight of his fannies and much to the dismay of his fellow WDI’ers.

Tensions ran high as WDI officials tabulated the rain-shortened scores as the

golfers were quaffing long glasses of champagne while waiting for their private jet back to Tampa. Duke and Joe Bob celebrated as their 2-man team won top honors at plus 15, three points ahead of Snoot and Boynie. And Snoot and Duke, longtime chums off the fairway, but fierce competitors on, had played to a +7 tie. The Duke replied in all his humbleness, “I hit 13 greens but 3 putted 12, etc…”blah, blah, blah (Boring). An exciting (?) finish to a wonderful WDI in Alabama and, perhaps a return trip to the Crimson State and the Robert Trent Jones Trail in the future.

Yours in sports,

Rick Reilly

P.S. Many thanks to Nathan Stewart who made this trip so memorable with play at private courses, Shoal Creek, Old Overton, and Greystone.

P.S.S. Final Scores (w/o Oxmor Valley)

1 Tie   Duke               +7        77-72-74-73

1 Tie   Snoot              +7        83-82-84-78

3          Steve O.         +1        90-84-86-88

4          Boynie            0          95-91-86-93

5          Hack               -1         82-80-78-77

6          Joe Bob         -2         92-91-82-86

7          Kapalua          -4         79-82-83-86

8          Fish                 -13      102-92-91-90

Two Man Team

Duke & Joe Bob       +15

Snoot & Boynie         +12

Hack & Steve O.       +11

Kapalua & Fish         -9

How often do you shoot 97 on the final day of the year’s first major and still win the WDI? By playing the first three days at +7 and carrying a 10 point advantage into the final round on a cold, rainy, blustery day!

“The only way to upset Dennis “the Menace” was to go low on this type of day on a hard course with miserable conditions, and we couldn’t pull it off,” snapped a sapped Duke who managed only an 82 and a fourth place finish.

Rumors were flying that Little Petey forged a conspiracy after day One with his

Italian buddies, Kapalua, Joe Bob and Mudano to either break “The Menace’s” knee caps or steal his 7 iron. “Those fucking wops are as useless as tits on a wart hog,” wailed Little Petey. “I offered them free orthodontic work for one year and sausage and pepper sandwiches for a week, and they rejected my offer. Now, I’ve gotta listen to Denise’s crap every Saturday morning for the next year.”

Actually, low scores were posted by a slew of players on Thursday at Q-school venue, Panther Lake (Pete 76, Broneck 78, Snoot 81, Duke 82, Joe Bob and Mudman 83). By Friday, Denise, who trailed Little Petey by 4, took over the lead for good with a sizzling second round 84 at Crooked Cat, to lead by 2. Meanwhile, three-time champ and two-time ’08 winner, the Blackened Red-faced Fish was flopping around like a fish out of water shooting 103-95 at Reunion to miss the cut and finish last. He gained notoriety going from last to first in England in ‘04 and then gained more notoriety by going from first to worst in his last two tourneys. The Neck, vying for “comeback player of the millennium” with The Duke, however, saw his fortunes sag, as he shot 90 on day four to finish sixth. The Neck had played the first three days like a 30-year-old rookie shooting respectable scores in the 80s, flirting with good-looking toots and staying up till 10:30 p.m.

One of the highlights of the tourney was the first day competition between villas.

Buoyed by strong play by Little Petey and Denise, the Mongrel “Melting Pot” Villa narrowly beat the Germanic Villa by 3 points and the Italian Villa by 11. That prompted Neck, Broneck, Newman, and Snoot to get up even earlier at 3:00 AM daily to jumpstart their day, but even that didn’t work.

The other highlight was the cumulative two-man bet. Pete and Joe Bob blasted out of the gate with the lead after day one at +10, 10 points ahead of Broneck and Boynie and 11 ahead of Denise and Kapalua but folded like a cheap suit at the Men’s Wearhouse to finish 3^rd. The all Sicilian team of Denise and Kapalua took the lead at +9 after round two with an 84-81 combined score and held it until the end of the tournament to finish at -10 and win the $1,000.00 pot, 14 points ahead of second place puds, Duke and Neck.

On the evening before the final round, as The Menace was lurking over this three ounce filet and third iced tea, the boys were needling him about “trouble sleeping on the lead.” Apparently, the ruse backfired. Because of the noise at Forte Grill on Saturday night and Denise’s hearing and age, the infamous ENT doctor told this reporter that what he heard was, you’re going to have trouble sleeping in the bed, which, chuckling to himself, he thought, “Hell, I do that every night.”

In one last swipe at Jimmy the Greek who shockingly gave him 95 – 1 odds of winning, the Menace hoisted the WDI aluminum trophy overhead before an overflow crowd of 13 and ESPN cameras and shouted, “What goes around comes around, Geek; at the end of the day, it is what it is.” Whatever that means.

Here are the final scores:

1          Denise            88,84,90,97

Tie for second:

2          Kapalua          85,81,88,87               -8

2          Boynie            91,89,95,92               -8

4          Duke               82, 72, 79, 82            -10

5          Snoot              81,82,87,87               -12

6          The Neck        87,84,87,90               -14

Tie for seventh:

7          Joe Bob         83, 89, 94, 94            -15

7          Little Petey     76,80,87,92               -15

9          Mudman         83,83,87,85               -16

Tie for tenth:

10        Broneck          78,82,86,94               -19

10        Newman         90,86,103,95             -19

12        Fish                 91,96,101,100           -31

Cumulative two-man bet:

1          Kapalua & Denise    -10

2          Duke &Neck              -24

3          Broneck & Boynie     -27

4          Pete & Joe Bob        -30

5          Snoot & Newman      -31

6          Fish & Mudano          -44

There you are, folks, the final tabulations of a great start to the ’09 season.

Amid cries of joy and jubilation, WDI Golfers and their caddies giddy in disbelief, patted themselves on the back, and let the breaking news sink in: The gigantic (and still growing) “Melon Head” Briggs was not going to defend his WDI title at the upcoming first jewel of the WDI 2009 Tour at Orlando in February.

It’s not known whether WDI Chairman Kapalua Finchem suspended the “large head” or if Briggsy (as he is known by certain folks), elected not to play due to personal reasons. However, when a local WTVT reporter caught up with Commissioner Kapalua just as he was exiting Mons Venus after Superbowl XLIII held in Tampa, besides being red-faced and boner-less, the Commissioner blurted out that, apparently, Mr. Potato Head had been caught with his pants down, so to speak, at a men’s bathroom at the Dublin Airport by Irish undercover agents after winning the Irish WDI in September ’08, and sought to take personal leave for a while. The Commissioner declined to say if these allegations would hurt the WDI Tour in ’09. “It is factual that WDI sponsorships declined in Q4 08, and when the PGA Tour lost Tiger for six months, it definitely suffered, but to what degree, I can’t tell you,” snapped a nervous Commissioner Kapalua pulling up his collar to conceal two, large, red hickeys on his neck. “But I can tell you this, many of the PGA viewers flocked to the WDI Tour last year just to see cagey vets like Snoot Doggy Dog and Blather Neck roam the fairways. Time will tell in ’09 whether the viewers will watch Woods and the PGA or Duke, Fish, and Briggs on the WDI Tour.”

Other WDI golfers offered their views when contacted by the undersigned.

Newman (his playing partner in Ireland ’08) “I’m shocked. When I learned of this, I fell and broke my ankle (again).”

Snooter McNulty “You know, I sat next to the fucker on the WDI golf bus daily for a week, and he never once tried to kiss or fondle me.” I am quite thankful for that, but I can assure you I napped with one eye open, and I avoid him now at Palma Ceia.”

Jack Briggs (Mikey’s older brother) “No comment.”

Fish “I don’t care what persuasion he is. I think I could have overtaken that large head with my 22 handicap and careful pre-shot routine that is now fully-honed and ready for ’09.”

Keith “The Kid” Hiatt (longtime friend and player in Irish WDI) “Well, I don’t know if this is just plain gossip, but Mikey lived in Wisconsin for a while, and I remember someone inadvertently called him the Fond-u-Iac Fondler after he won a golf tournament there in ’78. I couldn’t believe it.”

Wildman Wilde (played in Irish WDI) “He always borrowed my chap stick in Ireland. I really thought he had chapped lips. But now, I don’t know…”

While it is not this reporter’s style to kick a man with a large head when he’s down, it’s safe to say the Tour won’t be seeing the Potato Head for awhile, and that may be a good thing (see John Daly). But who will be the frontrunner for the first crown of 2009? I asked my good friend the Mediterranean Grease Ball Jimmy “The Geek” to handicap the field.

Boynie (3-1)

Went from first to worst. Finished last in Orlando ’08 after winning in Torrey Pines in ’07, due to mysterious “injury” to left arm after Popeye-Arm Attachment operation went awry. Was a gamer though and played through pain.

Feels he has the chutzpah to win again “with or without Morrie.” What do a Limey, Kraut, Jew and Wop have in common? They’re all staying in the Mongrel Villa.

Fish (4-1)

Repeat winner in ’08 – he was investigated by SEC, FBI, CIA, and Costa Nostra and suspended from tour for foul-fish smelling golf play in June to September of ’08. The Flying Flounder missed Ireland and 3-peat chance due to suspension, but has been reinstated to WDI tour in time for Orlando. Wants to show WDI pals he’s no “catfish” but a friggin killer whale. Wait till you see his “fish-hook.”

Kapalua (5-1)

Finished 3rd in Orlando ’08 and never really captured his sterling play of ’06 – ’07 when he won consecutive tourneys in Michigan and Pinehurst. After limping in 9th in Ireland, he has retooled his swing and has been playing more “weller” (as in Diane). Has been en fuego as of late which made his handicap plummet. However, trying to play daily to get it back up before the WDI.

Staying in Italian Villa with fellow Wops and “good-looking toots,” a big plus – could be front runner for best looking Italian/Sicilian on WDI tour.

Duke of Sicily (6-1)

Coming back from 3-year hiatus. Trying to become “the Comeback WDI player of a decade” so he changed his moniker from the Duke of

Eric. Will be housed with fellow greaseball Italians in Italian Sicilian Villa. Is busy

learning Italian golf phrases like “Fucka you – you’re away.” “Nicea putt, ass-a-hole.” Could be a contender if he lays off the Chianti.

Mudman (7-1)

Finished in an embarrassing tie for 7th with Joe Babbo last year after guaranteeing victory in a pre-tournament party at the Mons Venus. Has

the game/weapons but fails to get the job done. Can you say “Whaatsa matta u?” Will reside in the Italian Sicilian Villa, though, and share emotional support, lots of Chianti, and lasagna with his greaseball roomies.

Lil Petey (8-1)

Finished 2nd at Bay Hill in ’08 after whining all friggin weekend, “the wine costs too much.” “The course is too hard.” “Dennis snores.” “I gotta play with Agliano every friggin day?” This could be his tournament if he doesn’t see

Bernie and Dennis all weekend which, as we all know, won’t happen ’cause he will be staying with them in the Mongrel Villa.

Snoot Doggy Dog (9-1)

Following last year’s DQ, a pissed but resilient Snoot Dog vowed to quit the drugs, booze, and prostitutes and get his game back: “What Dat Wa?” He then went out and lost to Fish by a point in Southern Hills and played well in Ireland until the last day (the drugs, booze, and Irish prostitutes returned). Living in the Germanic/Scottish Villa with a squad of Krauts devoid of drugs, booze and prostitutes should help Snoot rebound. Will be up at 4:30 a.m. doing German calisthenics.

Joe Babbo (10-1)

“No more Jessies for Joe Bob-” is his mantra. After tying for 7th in ’08, Joe Babbo started to catch fire, finishing 3rd in both Southern Hills and Ireland WDI’s. No longer a rookie but a fiery vet. Says ’09 is his year, but don’t call him “Bobby Jo” – he’ll stick a scalpel where the “the sun don’t shine.” Is bringing marinara, eggplants, and aged asiago cheese to Italian Villa to jump start his tournament. Longing to take daily olive oil baths with Kapalua (much to his chagrin).

Broneck (11-1)

Finished 6th at Bay Hills in ’08; a big disappointment for the retired American Captain. A single digit, retired golfer who plans to carve up the field this year. Says landing on Hudson River by US Air pilot “Sully” is no big deal. He did it twice: on the Amazon River (among thousands of pirana) and Polar icecap (of course, he parachuted prior to both landings). Has “ice” in his veins as he sets up over a 4-footer in the vomit range.

Newman (12-1)

Rookie WDI’er in ’08, played well in Ireland with new two-man betting format and won with Briggs even though his wheels almost fell off on day one at Carne. Played gamely nonetheless and tied for 5th with Wildman Wilde. Brings a lot of experience to the links as aging former athlete/movie star (co-starred in movie several years back “White Men Can’t Jump” (based on his true story). Wants to manipulate that into a surprise win in Orlando. One good thing for WDI’ers – his wheels are so bad that, if you fuck with him, he can’t chase you.

Denise “The Menace” (95-1)

Second WDI for “The Menace”- played poorly and finished 9th at Bay Hill in ’08. Blamed his poor showing on roomie – Lil Petey. Tried unsuccessfully to strangle him in his sleep or was it the other way around? Was banished appropriately from Italian Villa in ’09 for his ’08 play. Could be dark horse of the tournament if he uses his 7-iron for all his shots. However, his Italian pedigree is an issue.

The Neck/Blather Neck/Short Neck/Sore Neck (100-1)

Really has been a shell of a man since ’04 when he came in last in England, even Leebo and Marty passed him by. Trying to get over deep-seated emotional problems by seeing noted psychologist and first cousin, Adolf Von Nuechterlein. However, while he is playing better, he has adopted some historical delusions of grandeur, i.e., wants to invade Poland, France, Russian, etc. Also, in the running for comeback player of the decade but won’t win it. Even his peers (Joe and Mary Peers) have given up on the ’01 Neck. We’ll see what’s left in his tank.

So there you have it, boys and girls of all ages. Jimmy “The Geek” has handicapped the field for the first major of the year at Orange County/Reunion. Call now and ask for Bambi at 888-6969 and you can receive free “perks” as well as tickets to this standing-room only tournament. See you in Orlando.

Yours in golf,

Rick Reilly

On a cold, blustery day in Doonbeg, off the northwest coast in Ireland, “the large-headed man” sat down to a pint of Guinness, relished its flavor and smiled at his scorecard which reflected a round of 78 (actually, his third round of 78 this week to go along with a 79 and 81). It had been a long time since a “rookie” won a WDI event, but Mike “Melon Head” Briggs had done just that.

To win at Doonbeg, the last leg of a grueling five-round tournament, he had to “beat-off,” so to speak, three tough challengers, each of whom was tied for second place, five points behind the large-headed man at -13. They included “The Kid,” a 19-year-old wonderkid from Ohio and a “scratch” golfer (I think it could have been the crabs.), the steely-eyed two-time EuroChamp, “The Bolt” and four-time, good-looking WDI U.S. Champ, and everyone’s favorite, Kapalua. But before I get to the final round, here are some of the highlights of the 26th WDI tournament in Ireland.

All the rookies played well, especially the Ohioans, The Kid and Jack “Humpty”

Briggs. Jack led the tournament after day one at Carnes, probably the hardest of he five courses, shooting 82 and co-led again after day three (shooting 79) at County Sligo with The Kid who had posted a 78; both led at -5. But the tourney was far from over. Many more strokes of sheer golf-skill were forthcoming from this crazy group of (by this time) women-starved immature hooligans.

Jerry “The Gimp” Newman and “Wildman” Wilde played consistent golf all week.

The Gimp was in danger of being shot (THEY SHOOT HORSES DON’T THEY?) on several occasions due to faulty wheels but managed to tough it out on the last day at Doonbeg to tie Wilde for fifth place at -18. After seeing Wilde’s swing, many of the young, Irish caddies were in a Sodom-Gomorrah like trance for several seconds and then tried hard not to make eye contact with him for the rest of the round. And Wilde thought it was his breath. Those in the group who had never played with Wilde actually thought he was a trick-shot artist on the first tee at Adare Manor.

Joe Bob, meanwhile, started 92-101, due, once again, to Kapalua’s influence on

innovative drinking techniques and loud snoring. After overcoming both, he rallied at County Sligo to take low net of the day (+8) and shoot 83. That set him up to play consistent golf at Connemara and Doonbeg, as he ended up in third place at -14.

Hyden-Seek started out slow also, shooting 85-92, then capped the week’s

tournament with low net at Doonbeg with a +8, as he shot 79. Hyden-Seek finished fourth at -16. His experience as he plays more WDI competitive golf (vs. the crap they do at Tampa Palms) is helping him cope with the pressure, and he did well.

His sleeping partner, the Snoot-Doggy-Dog, had a horrendous week. Although his start was legendary Snoot, shooting 88-83, winning money and shouting, “WHAT DAT WA”, lack of sleep, too much wind, too few Jessie’s, no Starbucks, and one too many conference calls led to his demise, as he shot the high score of the day at Doonbeg (96) and limped home last. There would not be any more of “SIT ON THIS FAT HOG” exclamations on Saturday.

The new betting event, in which one of the low handicappers choose (out of a hat) a high handicapper, proved to be fun and competitive. Globe Head and Jerry Newman, who had started out last after day one, won by 5 points over the second place puds, Hyden-Seek and Joe Bob. However, no money for second place, puds. Sorry.

Now back to the final round at Doonbeg. Moving through the media jam leading up to the first tee box, the large-headed man bounced along like a kite in the wind, never looking at any one reporter but gazing nervously down the first fairway, bundled up for hurricane-like winds, hung over and seemingly lost and in his own little world. (globe)

By contrast, his main competitors and playing partners were loose like a goose. The Kid, who had just awakened from a two-hour nap, was fit as a fiddle as he quaffed down two quick pints of Carlsberg. The Bolt, confident in his current, haughty state, was busy telling a BBC crew that after the match, he planned on traveling to Disney World. Kapalua, meanwhile, was busy putting on his game face while talking to two blonde, gorgeous ESPN sportscasters explaining to them what two and one meant (a threesome) in golf jargon.

But, by the first hole, the match was essentially over as Potato Head birdied, The

Kid bogeyed, and Bolt and Kapalua parred. Potato Head managed to birdie two more holes en route to a 36-42 round. Bolt tried to keep up gallantly after birdieing the fourth but only managed a +1 day and second place. The Kid and Kapalua both fell apart on the back nine, like cheap suits at the Men’s Wearhouse and plummeted to eight and ninth, respectively.

You can call him Large Head, Melon Head, or Big Head, but in the end, you have to call him Mr. Consistent Large Head, thank you very much. In the words of Julius Cesar, “Big Head come, Big Head drink (a lot), Big Head conquers.”

 FINAL STANDINGS

1          Melon Head               -7

2          Bolt                             -12

3          Joe Bob                     -14

4          Hyde n’ Seek             -16

5          Wildman                     -18      tie

5          Newman                     -18      tie

7          Jack Briggs               -19

8          The Kid                       -20

9          Kapalua                      -23

10        Snooter                      -35

There you have it, boys and girls. A great tournament ends the ’08 season, as

’09 promises to be even better. WDI venues are currently being studied, but make no mistake, it would be hard to top ’08. Bay Hill – Orlando, Southern Hills – Tulsa, The Snoot ’08 – Atlanta, and finally, N.W. Ireland.

See you in ’09.

Rick Reilly

On September 13th through the 20^th, the windswept courses of Northwest Ireland will be host to the WDI’s last major of the 2008 season. In anticipation of this European event, reporters, media, and fans are preparing to flock to the Emerald Isle to try to catch a glimpse of their favorite WDI golfer.

But, alas, the make-up of this year’s participants is going to be a lot different in September of ’08 due to the infusion of talented rookies and the excretion (so to speak) of several vets.

First of all, there will be no Fish Slam this year, as the floundering flounder has been DQ’d for this event due to handicap irregularities, a lack of euros, and burn-out syndrome. As of September 12^th, he will be stripped of his “maestro” moniker he has used since Tulsa in May and will revert back to simply, the “Smelly Pescado.”

The Neck Brothers, Little Clam and Stiff Neck, failed to sign their scorecard in English (they signed them in German) after their last tournament in Stuttgurt, Germany in July and were not only DQ’d for this Ireland trip but investigated for their ties to great uncle Adolf Von Nuechterlein, currently running from authorities for his role at Stalag 17.

“Boynie” Stein, winner at Torrey Pines in August of ’07, has fallen harder than a lead balloon since then and was last seen in counseling at the home of Dr. James E. Hoover, noted golf shrink. He had to WD.

So that leaves a field of 10 players who are handicapped below by that “greasy,” fat-assed, foulbreath, infamous handicapper, Jimmy the Geek. See you in Doonbeg.

(As far as the other invites who couldn’t make it, the Rocket, running for judge; Shea, too wishy washy; Hodge, doesn’t travel well; Mudano, wanted to go to Sicily, Brooks, wasn’t invited; Galen, wants to work a little harder in ’08, Prez Kap, couldn’t get past security machines due to a new hip and knees, Lebster, couldn’t find his cell number; Duffy, afraid to go – was born in Southern Ireland; and Agliano, costs too many euros.)

ROOKIES

Mike Briggs aka Briggsey, Bubble Head or Cabeza Melon (Melon Head) (5-1)

Sweet singing low handicapping rookie and underachieving brother of Jack. Wants to showcase his golf swing for the Irish. Could be a contender if he stays healthy/sober. Can’t wear a cap due to unusual size of head. When someone says he’s got a big head, it’s not because he’s arrogant, it’s because he’s got a big, fucking head. Could be a contender.

Keith “The Kid” Hiatt (6-1)

A champion of his own on the AVT tour, although, he’s been known to take a spill or two. The youngest of the group at age 18, fresh off his best year at Auburn Golf where he lead his college team to 110th in the NCAA tourney (The Blind Ladies of Holy Name were 109th). A promising rookie who hasn’t been tested on the WDI tour. After a few brews, critics say his game could go south (GO GATORS)

Jack “Humpty” Briggs (8-1)

Older and better looking twin brother of Mikey by 16 seconds (or was it 16 months? Whatever!) Has all the favorable characteristics that Mike doesn’t have, charisma, personality, good looks, better swing, longer schlong, et cetera. Having his 49th birthday during the tourney may fire him up to victory.

Jeff “Wildman” Wilde (99-1)

A legend in his own mind. Golf swing is somewhat unusual. It resembles a man

trying to kill a snake in a phone booth. When he first started taking golf lessons, his instructor reassured him and said “you have a brighter future chopping cane.” A driver in Wildman’s hand might produce five of his most consistent shots: a monster slice, a wounded jack rabbit, a worm burner, a pop fly, and a snap hook. A real dark horse who keeps naked pictures of Jim Furyk in his closet.

Jerry “Jer” Newman aka “Oldman” (100-1)

Possibly the oldest and tallest member of the group (7’3″). At 85, surprisingly spry – can still hit drives 160, 163 – but not straight. Will bring a lot to the table – a large appetite. Don’t count him out, count him dead meat.

 VETERANS

 Steve “Hide & Seek” Hyden (7-1)

Coming off a promising second place showing at the WDI tourney at Torrey Pines in September of ’07, Hyden Seek found his game hiding (where else) in the back of his mind. Maybe that’s why he doesn’t say much. A Tampa Palms low handicapper who loves Irish courses, Irish Whiskey, and Latin ladies. He is mild and good natured; his game is as patient as a bomb diffuser. Could go far in this tourney.

George “Kapalua” Cappy aka Capizzi (9-1)

Although he is a 4-time WDI Champ (and recently voted best-looking WDI player in ’08 by the girls at Mons Venus), he has been shut out on the Euro-Circuit. Plans to change that on the windy Northwest Irish Coast in September. It appears that, after revamping and retooling his swing this past summer, this sweet-swinging, Puerto Rican, Hawaiian who lives in Sicily (in the offseason)

is ready to compete. His new motto for Ireland is “Capizzi Competes.” Watch out, if he is near or in the lead. Has a stare (a la Ray Floyd) that would make a suicide bomber wet himself (or herself; to be proper in this day and age) Is a contender, not a pretender.

Jim “Snooter” McNulty aka Snoot Dog (10-1)

Recently has been more of a golf promoter than golfer (see Father-Son Cherokee Golf tourney ’08) and his play shows. However, at May’s WDI at Southern Hills in Tulsa, was the leader going into last round, but pulled a Greg Norman. Too many pre-game interviews by the Golf Channel and one too many bloodies may have buoyed his spirits; but after limping home with a final round 83, found out he placed 2nd by one shot. Snoot’s expression was that of a cardiologist staring at a flat line EKG. But with a few Irish toddies, he’ll be ready to bounce back and bounce back big. Could be a contender.

Bob “Joe Bob” Pesce (15-1)

Playing in 5th straight WDI tourney however, hasn’t made the cut in the past four. Probably due to dietary problems. Has to eat Sicilian food three times a day. Can’t get enough of it. Problem is, the WDI is in Ireland where they don’t even have any Italians much less Italian food. Although his handicap has fluttered up and down like a runaway kite, he is playing serious golf as of late. Placed 3rd at Southern Hills in Tulsa. Could be a contender, were not for his roommate’s snoring.

Stevie “Bolster” Bolter aka “The Bolt” (75-1)

It appears The Bolt is back fully cocked and reloaded (so to speak). The two-time Euro Champ (’99 and ’01), however, has played more like a Euro Chump lately. After a long layoff from the WDI tour, does he have the “chutzpah” for one more trophy? Some say he is a shell of a man, that his best days are behind him. Will try to quiet his critics with his innate knowledge of Irish golf. Knows Irish fescue, wind, and rain like the back of his penis. Last seen at CVS Pharmacy in Palm Coast purchasing a large tube of KY Jelly. Watch out, Wilde.

So there you have it, a rundown of the contestants for the final major of the year – Northwest Ireland ’08. As you can see, there is an infusion of new blood with five golfers with single-digit handicaps to go along with the rest of the pud-like handicaps of the WDI. A report will be made shortly by our anchors at the BBC and ESPN, including a Steve Melnick lookalike, and Tricky Nicky Faldo. This event will be televised between 1:00 a.m. and 3:00 a.m. EST on Sunday through Friday. We apologize for any inconvenience because of the unusual time, but we have to compete with The Raising Daisy and Wild Flower Show and The How Much Beer Can an Irishman Drink in 10 Minutes Show which take the predominant weeknight time slots in Ireland.

See you at Doonbeg, laddies.

Rick Reilly

It was a cold, windy day in Oklahoma, and it took all you could to keep the ball in play at venerable Southern Hills, the site of the 25th WDI Tournament. Small crowds of WDI groupies, ex-pilots and drunk Hooter girls cheered and jeered as the WDI’ers plunked, chunked and plodded down the famed Southern Hills course.

After day one, everyone’s favorite and four-time champion, Kapalua, and Fish and/or Cut-Bait had eked out a narrow one-shot lead over the second-place plodders, Broneck and Joe Bob. Rocket Rosen and Snooter had played to the middle of the pack while comeback hopeful Bolt, the aging “broken” Neck and flash-in-the-pan Boynie brought up the rear. Meanwhile in the Oklahoma division TK had parlayed a +5 day to a one-shot lead over Prez Kap and 7 over Ramdog.

That evening at a tasty barbecue dinner at Prez Kap’s sprawling Southern Hills ranch-style house with drinks-a-flowing and barbs-a-throwing, the WDI boys, elated from their first foray at Southern Hills, seemed rested and content. That was before the ghost of Nutsy Fagan reared his ugly head. A wingman extraordinaire, his past exploits seemed to embolden a tired, weary Little Clam Neck. Through thick cigar smoke and maybe one too many ouzo’s, the gauntlet was thrown out-play great golf the next day or eat shit and die. Fish was confident as he sat next to Blowfish, also known as Steve Melynk; Joe Bob kept knocking down ouzo’s at a record pace and Prez Kap’s cabinet of delicious Pyrat Rum took a beating. As the boys crawled back to their cars, the drunken Neck hollered back, to no one in particular, “I love you, Nutsy,” as he gazed at one of Prez Kap’s bronzed statues that surround the pool.

Day two was moving day, and it didn’t take long for Snoot Doggy Dog to fire a 79 (low round of the tournament) and take a one-shot lead over the soon-to-be disqualified Rocket Rosen, who was banished from the tournament for one too many limericks. Fish and Joe Bob lurked one shot back while Kapalua and Broneck limped in three shots behind. PrezKap buoyed by his famous bean dish the night before, used its wind to his benefit to shoot a gassy +4 and take a commanding lead over fellow Oklahoma competitors by 7 shots.

Day three loomed eerily. Disciplined by Southern Hills Pro Dave Bryan for all around shitty play, the presence of countless tornados and the threat of Prez Kap’s impeachment by the Southern Hills Board of Directors – the WDI was forced to play its last round at the Golf Club of Oklahoma, Prez Kap’s other proving ground, so to speak. Prez Kap’s team, once again, prevailed due to his +14 day, and he easily raced to a +21 overall and first place finish in the Oklahoma Division (TK and Ramdog, his former friends, left the course early, pissed). Kapalua, Broneck and Joe Bob all had their chances on the Fazio-designed course but fell back. Especially Joe Bob, who could have been a contender until he triple bogeyed no. 18. Bladder Neck thought it was Sunday and played great golf (+4) (muttering throughout his round, “This shot’s for you, Nutsy.”), while Broneck staggered and flamed out and Boynie, yesterday’s hero, (and Kapalua look alike) went further in the tank. As for comeback hopeful, Bolt, he managed to upright his ship to shoot the low score of the day (81) to finish tied for 4th overall with his roomie, Kapalua, much to the disappointment of the Tulsa Cat House Girls who dotted the course with their short skirts, halter tops, and t-back, fur lined panties.

In the end, without the benefit of any Jessie’s, Snoot Dog faltered and fell a shot short of the famed Sandicapper Fish (-15). (He was a 9 just two months earlier.) Prez Kap, also known as the Corsican Pyrat, and playing without his famed golfing brother, Kapalua, but with his adopted brother, Short Neck, basked in the Oklahoma sun as he graciously accepted the aluminum Oklahoma WDI trophy (which resembles a large penis attached to a bicycle seat). Tornado warnings notwithstanding, the Fish, also known as Maestro, had repeated. But could he 3-peat? Negative.

In the history of the WDI, only two puds had won consecutive tourneys, Bolt and

Kapalua and did not 3-peat, but alas, the Fish will not and cannot vie for a 3-peat in Ireland in September of ’08 due to off-field agent disputes and family distractions. Nor will Broken Neck, his bro or past champ, Boynie be eligible for the Ireland Tourney because they ALL missed the cut. So who will be favored in Ireland of September of ’08? Could it be the steely-eyed, smoldering, hot play of Snoot Doggy Dog (what dat waa) or Bolt, the Comeback Kid, once a Euro-Champ, maybe now a EuroChump or the surprising consistent play of Joe Bob or that sweet, swinging, good-looking, Puerto Rican, Hawaiian, Kapalua or one of the new rookies, Cabeza, Humpty, Babyface, or The Wildman. Or will it be the ghost of Nutsy Fagan?

Tune into ESPN 2 for the daily play-by-play action starting on September 14th by veteran ESPN anchors, Steve “Brofish” Melynk and everyone’s favorite Morrie.

See you in September,

Rick Reilly

Final Standings

Florida Division:

1          Fish                 -7

2          Snoot              -8

3          Joe Bob         -10

4 Tie   Kapalua          -12

4 Tie   Bolt                 -12

6          Neck               -16

7          Broneck          -17

8          Boynie            -22

9          Rocket            -6 WD/DQ’d

Oklahoma Division:

1          Prez Kap        +21 (new WDI record)

2          TK                   0

3          Ramdog         -4