KRAFTY VETS KAPALUA AND BRONECK BATTLE TO A TIE ( AGAIN )
AT 2013 MICHIGAN WDI
( FRANKENMUTH FIEND BUSTED BY WDI ROOKIES )
BY WICK E. WILEY, ESPN SPORTS EDITOR

The struggle was over in less than a minute—the wounded, scowling man lay in a heap looking up through glazed eyes as his victors glared downward. JOHN WAYNE GACY, the Chicago serial killer, had made a poor choice–he hit on the young kid, Goldilox from Chitown. GACY had done it before, countless times……….ferret out the young plump ones, but, alas he had bad eyesight ( Goldilox is 43, not 13 ) and he had seriously underestimated Goldy’s Korean sidekick…Genghis Hong! With a well-placed leg kick, Genghis ( aka I Like Ike ) had laid out the big 240 pound pervert, by severely relocating GACY’S left knee joint in Joe Theisman-like manner.

GACY was immediately taken into custody by the Frankenmuth Police Force ( all 2 of them ). Mayor Mike “Neck” Nectarine, in a hastily scheduled news conference, while eating a sliver of the city’s famous apple strudel, praised the police: “Guten Morgen, townspeople….And a hearty thank-you to Frankenmuth’s Finest, Andy and Barney for taking that low-life into custody and off the streets of lovely Frankenmuth. Now, I have to leave this fair city and compete in the 35th WDI Invitational, which, by the way, starts today. I leave the mayoral reins to my boys, Ben and Mack, who will watch and growl over our city, until I return triumphant” BARK…BARK …BARK

The ONLY problem was that young Mayor Neck did not return the coveted WDI Cup to Frankenmuth…….BUT he came awfully close!!!

After shooting a blistering 79 ( with 5 birdies, a WDI record ) at the beautiful Fortress of Correigidor, he led by 9 stokes, after the 1st round, over untested rookie Goldilox….+11 to +2. To the other 6 players—-it seemed and felt like the Bataan Death March. Broneck was 3rd at -1; Snoot was 4th at -2; Kapalua and Fish tied for 5th at -3; Boynie next at -6 and the rookie pervert-slayer, I Like Ike, last at -11. It seemed like the tourney was over..done deal…finite, but after DAY 2 and 3 at Tullymore, about 2 hours west of Frankenmuth in a secluded wooded section of Central Michigan ( funny, aren’t ALL Michigan courses in secluded wooded sections? ) the Neck’s game was ALL OVER the frickin place. Notwithstanding that, it seemed like his game had steadied. He still had the lead, but it had dwindled down to +5.

His famous WWII and Korean vet brother, Broneck….was staying close in 2d at level par (0), while the Good-looking, sweet-swinging Puerto Rican Hawaiian, Kapalua, was making his famous charge at Tullymore, with help from Cap’s Cuties, his faithful group of tittie dancers from Club Cheetah ( 83..84 ) to close at -6 and 3rd place, 11 shots behind the Little Clam Neck and perhaps a number too great to overcome?? ………NOT!!! More later on this subject. ESPN asked 2d place Broneck how he felt about his game at this juncture…to which he replied” JUST TERRIFIC!” And everyone’s fav, including the cart cracks, Snoot Doggy Dog, shot respectably ( 87–87 ) to fall to 4th place. Goldilox’s early good play diminished, especially after ALL the media calls to him about the Frankenmuth episode: “Frankly” said Goldy, ” I was getting fed-up with ALL those asinine questions from the media. Especially, why GACY targeted me…….what am I a plump chicken, for crying out loud? OY VAY… He fell to -16 and 6th place, never smelling the lead again!

His roomie and rookie bud, I LIKE IKE, however, loved the media attention and played more betterer, shooting in the low 90s to climb out of last place. ” When I started this tourney, I wanted to get off to a good start. As the Korean proverb goes, SHIJAK BANIDA,” A good start is important to any effort. ” And I especially loved kicking GACY’S perverted ass!!!” Needless to say, ESPN loved this guy and ate up his quotes. The large Tilapia, however, and wingman Boynie, continued to spiral downward on the narrow Tullymore’s fairways and elevated tee boxes. Rumors of bad-smelling RED TIDE on the back nine at St. Ives were proven to be true, while others spied a broken gyro-scope with Jewish inscriptions laying on the 18th green. OY VAY!

Moving day was Thursday, August 29 @ fabled Oakland Hills, site of so many US Opens, PGAs, US Amateurs ( inc. the 2014 US Am) and a Ryder Cup. The Neck brothers, anxious to get an early start……….slept in their cars in the Oakland Hills parking lot and were seen practicing their putting and chipping at 5:15 am. With a 5 stroke lead over his older brother and 11 strokes over a hard-charging Kapalua, the Neck was still supremely confident…….maybe a little bit OVERCONFIDENT!!!

BECAUSE, when Day 4 was in the books, ESPN was there to catch the collapse of the decade——-some say reminiscent of Greg Norman’s at the Masters in the 90’s. And it wasn’t pretty for the other boys as well. EXCEPT, for the good-looking, sweet-swinging Puerto Rican Hawaiian, Kapalua who bogeyed 18 for a frickin 80 and a +6 day!!! The Neck had set another WDI record ( but one he’d wish he never had ) and had fallen from 1st at +5 to 3rd at -12, in the blink of a morning. Broneck posted a 90 and also dived from 0 to -8, but was still in 2d place. His score and position would prove important as the next day would show. The Neck brothers were now chasing the good-looking, sweet-swinging PR, Kap who was now the leader at level par…0. ( While Fish and Broneck both shot 90, everyone else shot in the high 90s……including a despondent Snooter) Were the short-sheeted beds finally catching up with the Snoot-Dog? ” Geez Kap”( his roomie ), replied a tired and crampy Snoot, ” my legs have been hurting me all week and I’m really tired.” All Kap could do was turn away and let out a guffaw!

That night @ Gandy Dancer, an elegant restaurant in the beautifully restored Ann Arbor Train Depot and known for creative preparations of whitefish, sole and salmon……it seemed like the boys had hit the wall. Only imbibing small amounts of alcohol and ordering 6 appetizers, instead of 8 and trying to avoid the menacing fork of the Little Clam Neck, they were tapped and tired……..but had ONE more course to play……the Allistair McKenzie designed Univ. of Michigan golf course built in 1931.

Kap started OK with a 3 putt bogey on One, then inexplicably started leaking large amounts of oil and listing heavily to starboard, shooting 48 on the front 9, before snapping out of his funk to shoot 42 on the back for his highest score of the week (90). When he bogeyed 18 from 3 feet….Kap had thought he might have blown it, but learned that Broneck also had bogeyed 18. Bro had shot a sterling 83 and met his quota on the number to finish at -8…….the same number that Kap had after a rough morning round (-8) AND the same way they finished at Bay Hill in May 2005. ( they both bogeyed 18 at Bay Hill also)

Later at the Awards ceremony on the 18th green of the Blue Course at U of M, hundreds of tasty-looking coeds were thronging the green hoping to catch a glimpse of the sliver haired Champs. Snoot Dog, the MC for the ceremony, thanked the large crowd/fannies, the WDI officials, and the competitors and then turned to the MVK ( Most Valuable Korean ) of the toonamint, I Like Ike, and in his best Korean dialect said, smilingly, what amounted to: YOU ARE LOOKING AT A MAN WHO CAN RUN YOU THROUGH WITH A SWORD WITHOUT BATTING A EYE. ….WHOOPS—-wrong Korean proverb Snoot!!!

The crowd gasped as I Like Ike picked Snoot up, twirling him around like a baton, say, 3 or 4 times before heaving him into nearby scrubby underbush. Kapalua, sweating heavily and sensing a fate worse than Snoot’s, repeatedly kept looking at his Korean notes, held up his hand to quiet the crowd…..then in HIS best Korean dialect said, something like this……….WEONSUNGIDO NAMUSEO DDEOLEOJINDA…WHICH TRANSLATED I THINK MEANS…. Even Monkeys may fall from trees”. A battered and short Snoot ( he was now down to 5’5″ due to his sheet shortening) looked up from the underbrush and said, ” Did that MOFO just call me a monkey?”

Broneck, the cagey vet, after seeing all this go down, turned and said ” Brother where art thou”….From out of nowhere, came the short, aging, but once QB leader of the Frankenmuth Eagles back in the early 50s, who like a fullback, led Broneck through the agitated crowd into an awaiting 1969 Frankenmuth Police Cruiser, covered with’ We Like Mike’ mayoral signs. This startled I Like Ike who, at first thought the car was his. Pissed that it wasn’t….he started running toward it! ESPN reporters, kept the microphone in Broneck’s face, repeatedly asking him how he felt after tying for the championship and his 2d Major…..Finally, as he prepared to enter the police car, Broneck turned to the reporter closest to him, saw a charging I Like Ike and simply said, “JUST TERRIFIC”! Unsubstaniated witnesses say they saw a worn-out, but in tip-top shape Genghis Hong give up the chase right outside Detroit Airport, about 30 miles away, as the Neck bros exhaled a huge sigh of relief.

So there you have it boys and girls, especially the Michigan coeds……another great WDI finish with no, I repeat no DWIs! Hope to see you all at the 20th Anniversary N. Ireland WDI in August 2014 and perhaps a spring WDI at another exciting venue before that!

Yours in sports,
Wick E. Wiley

FORTRESS ST. IVES TULLYMORE OAKLAND HILLS UNIV. OF MICH STARTING HCP. ENDING HCP.
1. KAPALUA 87 84 84 80 90 11 11
1. BRONECK 84 81 84 91 83 10 12
3. NECK 79 91 82 99 87 13 17
4. BOYNIE 96 96 97 96 89 18 22
5. GOLDILOX 87 99 98 96 98 16 21
5. I LIKE IKE 99 92 96 96 95 16 21
7. FISH 88 95 95 90 98 13 19
8. SNOOT 84 87 87 98 96 9 16

By Wick E. Wiley, ESPN Sports Editor/Jimmy the Geek

Hello sports fans, small children and perverts everywhere! An exciting toonamint in maize and blue country awaits a tough field on August 25 in tiny Frankenmuth, Michigan. Thousands of fans and sports media/moguls will descend on this tiny Germanic town of 550 to witness Glory’s Last Shot! It will be the WDI’s 3rd foray into Michigan territory, home turf for the Neck brothers, who haven’t fared well in the last two outings. A DQ for the shorter, more homely of the two, Little Clam Neck ( in 06) and a disappointing last place finish for older brother, and more handsome… Broneck 3 years later. In 2006, Kapalua took top honors, beating off ( so to speak ) the hard-charging Killer B’s……Bolt, Boynie and Broneck. ( over 8 courses ) In 2009, the frickin Duke edged Snoot Doggy Dog on the last hole of round 5, after Snoot had led all the way from Day One. ( over 5 courses )

This tourney will consist of competing at 5 venues: the Fortress of Correigidor @ Frankenmuth ( Little Clam Neck’s home course ); Tullymore’s 2 courses: St. Ives and Tullymore; venerable Oakland Hills ( host of 6 US Opens; 2 Senior US Opens, 2 US Amateurs and a Ryder Cup ) and finishing up at Univ. of Michigan’s famous Ann Arbor course. ( designed by Augusta Nat’l, Cypress Point, Crystal Downs architect Allistair McKenzie )

A couple housecleaning items before we see who the oddsmakers feel will win this 35th WDI……………………………………

1. The bet is $275. Please bring your $$$ in 20s, 10s and 5s. Treasurer will be Broneck again.
2. Half of all winnings will go into pot to defray drinks/dinner.
3.Transportation is as follows: Neck and Broneck have vehicle; Goldilox, I Like Ike(rookie) and Boynie have vehicle and Fish, Snoot and Kapalua have rental.
4.Skins will be decided by 1/2 of your handicap.
5. Scoring will be by quota system: birdie is 4 pts; par is 2 pts.; bogey is one pt.; and triple bogey is -1 point.
6. Handicaps as of today are , Broneck 10; Neck 12 , Goldilox 16; I Like Ike 16 …..Thursday…. handicaps may change for Kapalua, Snoot, Fish and Boynie.
7. Probably won’t be a bad idea to bring a blazer, in case we need it for dinner?

And now, Jimmy the Geek, that greaseball Eyetalian, fresh off a Mediterraen cruise will pick ( his nose ) and his fav’s!!!!!

KAPALUA 5-1 Clearly, the fan fav of fans and fannies everywhere, especially the topless girls at Club Cheetah. Hard to say how the sweet-swinging, good-looking, Puerto Rican, Hawaiian, will fare after coming back from his recent 4-level back fusion with rods, screws, pins and needles. Suffice it to say that this Eyetalian vet, knows how to get ready to “rumble’. He will pull every trick ( legal) in the book, inc. short-sheeting his roomie’s bed ….to win. His driving distance is down to 290-295 due to back problems, but Kap thinks he can get it done against these unathletic schmoos. Born and raised in Chicago, he knows he also has to keep his eyes on the Chicago 2 ( rookies and scoundrels.) in order to finish on top!

FISH 8-1 Could be in the running for Comeback Player of the Year. His cap has been falling like a dead weight on a fishing line, since the WDI @ Streamsong in January. Before that, he had Red Tide warning signs posted in his front yard, pissing off his neighbors, due to the smelly play by the Big Barracuda. But, lately, he hasn’t been seen flailing and flopping that much. If he can figure out a way to correct his “Fish hook”, he could be a contender. His favorite team: Dolphins; favorite movie: Jaws; favorite Actor: Shamu; favorite restaurant: Bonefish.

SNOOT 9-1 An aging, used to be….’fair’ golfer, NOW a mere shell of a man! Over the hill……..Yes, Snoot has heard all of that BS, and he’s pissed off. And when he gets pissed off….he drinks too much. And when he drinks too much wine….he passes out. And when he passes out……his roomie will short-sheet his bed!!!! Trying to put more bulk on after a recent altercation with a French Frog ( who weighed 300 lbs ) in gay Paree. When he couldn’t outrun him or outsmart him, he spat upon him. That chased the Frog away……….Snooter says this fight has changed him……”.C’mon you MOFOs! I’ll take you on!!” Anyone have any sand we could kick in his face?

BRONECK 10-1 Brother Kraut is still retired from American Airlines, but recently had been asked to fly sorties for Korean Airlines. He declined. Looks a lot like Sully Sullenberger, US Airway “hero”, whom he hates for grandstanding. ” He could have landed that plane in Fla ., the show-off.” Plus I’m better looking. Could be dark horse of tourney with his 10 handicap…… Will his game arrive with him? Probably NOT!!!!!!!

I LIKE IKE/GHENGHIS 100-1 This rookie could be the MOST INTERESTING MAN/KOREAN IN KOREA!!! Playing in his first WDI and hailing from Chicago, Ike owns his own construction company ( From The Ground Up ) with Goldilox bro. A Purdue grad…..he really craves Boilermakers and fine wine, but not mixed together. Loves to travel and play golf. Is Ghenghis Khan look-alike ( if you don’t believe me, look at his recent post ) Will see how this rookie fares in his 1st tourney, especially when he has to get up on table ‘naked’ and sing Purdue’s fight song. Could be another dark horse…..but odds are that he flames out early.

GOLDILOX /CHEESE 101-1 Son-in-law of the Boynemeister and vet of Pittsburgh/Firestone WDI as well as several Snoots, he says these past tourneys have made him toonamint tuff! ” I think I can take the crown in Michigan”, says Goldy. This writer says, NO WAY, CHEESEHEAD. YOU’RE DEAD MEAT!! NICE GUY…GOOD METTLE. ALL THE LADS LIKE HIM—-MAKES HIS OWN CLOTHES. BUT HE HAS BETTER ODDS OF WINNING THE ILLINOIS LOTTERY!!! Retorts Goldy, ” I’m coming to Michigan to kick some Tampa ass…nothing else matters. And if my dad-in-law is in the way, I’d hate to be him!” What is Lauren feeding this dude?

BOYNIE 102-1 Some say he was a 1-shot wonder, when he won at Torrey Pines against a weak field ( 5 of the competitors were 9 yr. olds ) Others say “he shot his wad” or ” there’s nothing left in his tank.” Has had gyro/ass problems in recent months, but after a recent blow-out session with the Cuban Pygmy at Midas Muffler, he could have clean pipes ( so to speak) and revved up swing for 1st time in Mich. Is coming back to his alma mater, where he roomed with Tom Hayden and Jane Fonda back in the turbulent 60s. Just think where he would be NOW, if HE had married Fonda? He’d be dead….Sharon would have shot him ( several times )

NECK 1001-1 The Little Kraut had an uneventful Streamsong WDI this past January coming off that horrific knee injury, suffered at the hands of that Eyetalian extremist. He recovered…even though he was 0-8 in Ryder Cup play at SS. ” At least I was competitive, ” says Neck. ( Doesn’t competitive mean he was shitty, in a nice way? ) Went back to the Homeland this past summer to douse his injured leg in the remedial waters of the Rhine, …..and almost drowned. “Hey, I was in Air Force/Luftwaffe….not the Navy”, claims Little Clam. Met with relatives Great Uncle Adolf Nuechterlein and close cuz , Herman Goring Nuechterlein. Wanted them to instill in him a killer instinct……sort of a Blitzkrieg mentality. HOWEVER, watch out for the little Hun, if he gets hot.

Well there you have it…..an unbiased and completely neutral opinion from one of the best handicappers in history. We’ll see if his pics pan out AND we’ll see you in Frankenmuth on August 25. Get ready for some fine German food, cute frauleins and a lot of ‘short’ people in this city. BTW, I’ve got dibs on the Hansel and Gretel room at the Bavarian Inn. Reminder: a cocktail party…..get together is planned at Little Clam’s house that Sunday evening. Neck wants everyone to bring a dish/booze/box of chicken and $5 bucks each for the live-in maid…..Neck says he’s getting ready to retire and is on a fixed income. Whatever……..

Yours in sports,
Wick E. Wiley

PS….In case ur wonderin, past WDI contestants…..Joebob is on Injured Reserve; the frickin Duke has an injured member ( no not that member ) and on IR also and Kluzie, 2 time winner and unable to vie for rare three-peat is ……in Love!

THE FISH REPEATS PREZ KAP RULES AND LEGEND OF NUTSY FAGAN

By RICK REILLY, SENIOR SPORTS EDITOR – It was a cold, windy day in Oklahoma, and it took all you could to keep the ball in play at venerable Southern Hills, the sight of the 25th WDI Tournament. Small crowds of WOl groupies, ex-pilots and drunk Hooter girls cheered and jeered as the WDI’crs plunked, chunked and plodded down the famed Southern Hills course.
After day one, everyone’s favorite and four-time champion, Kapalua, and Fish and/or Cut-Bait had eked out a narrow one-shot lead over the second-place plodders, E3roneck and Joe Bob. Rocket Rosen and Snooter had played to the middle of the pack while comeback hopeful Bolt, the aging “broken” Neck and flash-in-the-pan Boynie brought up the rear. Meanwhile in the Oklahoma division 1K had parlayed a +5 day to a one-shot lead over Prez Kap and 7 over Ramdog.
That evening at a tasty barbecue dinner at Prez Kap’s sprawling Southern Hills ranch-style house with drinks-a- flowing and barbs¬a-throwing, the WD1 boys elated, from their first foray at Southern Hills, seemed rested and content. That was before the ghost of Nutsy Fagan reared his ugly head. A wingman extraordinaire, his past exploits seemed to embolden a tired, weary Little Clam Neck. Through thick cigar smoke and maybe one too many ouzo’s, the gauntlet was thrown out-play great golf the next day or eat shit and die. Fish was confident as he sat next to Blowfish, also known as Steve Melynk; Joe Bob kept knocking down ouzo’s at a record pace and Prez Kap’s cabinet of delicious Pyrat Rum took a beating. As the boys crawled back to their cars, the drunken Neck hollered back, to no
one in particular, “1 love you, Nutsy,” as he gazed at one of Prez Kap’s bronzed statues that surround the pool.

Day two was moving day, and it didn’t take long for Snoot Doggy Dog to fire a 79 (low round of the tournament) and take a one-shot lead over the soon-to-be disqualified Rocket Rosen, who was banished from the tournament for one too many limericks. Fish and Joe Bob lurked one shot back while Kapalua and Broneck limped in three shots behind, Prez Kap buoyed by his famous bean dish the night before, used its wind to his benefit to shoot a gassy +4 and take a commanding lead over fellow Oklahoma competitors by 7 shots.
Day three loomed eerily. Disciplined by Southern Hills Pro Dave Bryan for all around shitty play, the presence of countless tornados and the threat of Prez Kap’s impeachment by the Southern Hills Board of Directors – the WDI was forced to play its last round at the Golf Club of Oklahoma – Prez Kap’s other proving ground, so to speak. Prez Kap’s team, once again, prevailed due to his +14 day, and he easily raced to a +21 overall and first place finish in the Oklahoma Division (1K and Ramdog, his former friends, left the course early, pissed). Kapalua, Broneck and Joe Bob all had their chances on the Fazio-designed course but fell back. Especially Joe Bob, who could have been a contender until he triple bogeyed no. 18. Bladder Neck thought it was Sunday and played great golf (+4) (muttering throughout his round, “This shot’s for you, Nutsy.”), while Broneck staggered and flamed out and Boynie, yesterday’s hero, (and Kapalua look alike) went further in the tank. As for comeback hopeful, Bolt, he managed to upright his ship to shoot the low score of the day (8 1 ) to finish tied for 4th overall with his roomie, Kapalua, much to the disappointment of the
Tulsa Cat House Girls who dotted the course with their short skirts, halter tops, and t-back, fur lined panties.
In the end, without the benefit of any Jessie’s, Snoot Dog faltered and fell a shot short of the famed Sandicapper Fish (45). (He was a 9 just two months earlier,) Prez Kap, also known as the Corsican Pyrat, and playing without his famed golfing brother, Kapalua, but with his adopted brother, Short Neck, basked in the Oklahoma sun as he graciously accepted the aluminum Oklahoma WD1 trophy (which resembles a large penis attached to a bicycle seat). Tornado warnings notwithstanding, the Fish, also known as Maestro, had repeated. But could he 3-peat? Negative.
In the history of the WDl, only two puds had won consecutive tourneys, Bolt and Kapalua and did not 3-peat, but alas, the Fish will not and cannot vie for a 3-peat in Ireland in September of ’08 due to off-field agent disputes and family distractions. Nor will Broken Neck, his bro or past champ, Boynie be eligible for the Ireland Tourney because they ALL missed the cut. So who will be favored in Ireland of September of 108? Could it be the steely-eyed, smoldering, hot play of Snoot Doggy Dog (what dat waa) or Bolt, the Comeback Kid, once a Euro-Champ, maybe now a Euro-Chump or the surprising consistent play of Joe Bob or that sweet, swinging, good-looking, Puerto Rican, Hawaiian, Kapalua or one of the new rookies, Cabeza, Humpty, Babyface, or The Wildman. Or will it be the ghost of Nutsy Fagan?
Tune into ESPN 2 for the daily play-by-play action starting on September 1 4th by veteran ESPN anchors, Steve “Brofish” Melynk and everyone’s favorite Morrie.

See you in September,
Rick Reilly
Senior Editor, Sports IllustratedIESPN

Final Standings Florida Division:
1. Fish -7
2. Snoot -8
3. Joe Bob ‘.10
4. Tie Kapalua -12
Bolt -12
6. Neck -16
7. Broneck -17
8. Boynie -22
9. Rocket -6 WD/DQed

Oklahoma Division:
1. Prez Kap +21 (new WD1 record)
2. TK 0
3. Ramdog -4