It’s been decades since Sherman burned down Atlanta on a golfing bet between him and Robert E. Lee. (Sherman lost when “Robby” Lee birdied 18 to beat him by a stroke at a very young but gorgeous Cherokee Country Club.) While Sherman took an anger management course later that year, it didn’t help Atlanta.

Now, 143 years later, another battle for Atlanta is unfolding between two formidable armies (teams). Team Snooter (Blue) and Team Kapalua (Gray). In Ryder-Cup fashion: two 12-man teams will tee it up at Cherokee (site of that infamous WDI golf outing years ago) on Friday, June 20, 2008 before an expected sellout crowd and national TV. The following day Bear’s Best in North Atlanta will be host site, 30 miles from what is certain to be a recovering Cherokee staff and whatever female cart-cracks may be on the grounds for Friday’s opening round.

Minutes after the pairings were announced on ESPN by tournament director Snoot Doggy Dog, barbs, catcalls, and bravado remarks were sailing through the Internet. Small groups of muscled, dark-skinned Sicilians began streaming out of Atlanta’s Badda-Bing Club heading straight to Cherokee Country Club where they will apply for security for the tournament, much to the dismay of Team Snooter. “I don’t see why these Greasers are more qualified than the Blackwater Scots,” snarled Brian McNulty. “Plus, they’ll eat all the sausages and burp on our backswings.” Badda-bing.

A quick look at Team Kapalua contestants raises serious eyebrows. There is MadDog Mudano and son, from the Genovese family, Pistol Whipping Joe Bob Pesce and Son, from the Luciano family, Angie “The Lip” Cohen and sons, personal confidants of the Hyman Roth family (I hope you saw Godfather IT), Giorgio “Hitman” Capizzi and Sons from the infamous Tampa Trafficante family, and the One-Eyed Duke with adopted son, Little Stevie Sideburns, former bodyguards of the Lasagna Crime Syndicate, et al. Talk about greaseballs; they have more slick in their hair than the Exxon-Valdez oil spill in March of ‘89. Badda-bang.

But, Team Snooter isn’t made up of angels and cream puffs either. True the McNulty Clan make up the bulk of that Scottish- tartaned team, such as Bad Boy Brian McNulty, Anxious Allen McNulty, Jake “The Snake” Nellis, but there are other mommalukes as well, such as The Duffster, the Irksome Insley Clan, the Nasty Nellis’s, Johnny Boy Blackmon, and Kellen “Winslow” Oldham (son of great guy, father and friend, the late Ray Bob Oldham). It’s been rumored of-late that Kellen may be a no-show due to his job, but due to the long wait-list of prospective contestants, it appears the field will definitely be full at 24 players.

The magnitude of this event is not lost on one of Kapalua’s top teammates Captain MadDog Mudano, a veritable low-handicap hacker. “We can’t allow these Scot/Irish Mofos to come into our house and beat us.” Of course, Captain Mudano is reminded that Cherokee Country Club is not our house; it’s in Georgia. Let’s just say he got carried away in this mini drama. Whatever the result, the “Battle for Atlanta” proves to be a good one.

It appears that Buckhead security too has been beefed up for the upcoming onslaught sure to be dealt on the Cherokee and Bear’s Best courses by this fine group of golfers (well, some of them are fine; others – well whatever). Morton’s has had to rope off the upstairs “Board Room” to keep the paparazzi in check after the first round on Friday , and the SNOOT Italian contingent swears that the closing dinner hooliganism can be deftly managed by the group’s own in-shape ruffians.

Team Snoot and Team Kapalua were asked to give a short statement pre-tourney. George Cappy (a/k/a Kapalua) commented, “Boys will be boys, but our boys are all cultured Christian gentlemen, and there is no doubt our antics will generate much laughter and excitement as we work hard to beat those Irish bastards, but it will be done in a gentlemanly manner”. Snooter replied, “What a miserable bunch of unformidable opponents; their captain is supposed to be a leader, and he sounds off like we’re a bunch of schmucks. All I can say to those chaps, in the succinct words of our WDI counterpart Broken Neck: “GIRD YOUR LOINS”. “

The mammoth, silver-haired crowds were stampeding behind the ropes, hoping for a chance to see the tall, hairless wonder as he strode down the 18th fairway en route to his second WDI Major win. “The Fish” a.k.a. The Peruvian Sea Bass, who won in England way back in ’04, saw this win as redemption-that he could do it again after a winless drought of almost 784 consecutive tournaments in between. How he got to the lead on 18 proved interesting.

Due to increased pressure from the media, fans, and ESPN, the field was enlarged from 8 to 12 for this tournament. The venue was two rounds at Q-School courses: Panther Lake and Crooked Cat and two rounds at famous Bay Hill. Rookies like Lil Petey, Denise, Duffey and The Whaler were added to a star studded field that included the aging Neck, Bro-Neck, and perennial fan favorite and four-time champ Kapalua. Last year’s Rookie, Runner-up of the Year, Joe

Babbo (from Northwest Sicily) was having a great Spring, as was Hit-man Mudano (from Southeast Sicily) and Snoot- Dog. However, the past winner at Torrey Pines in August of ’07 and hoping to repeat, Boynie, encountered significant elbow problems en route to his second title. Bruised and broken but not beaten and playing without Morrie’s support, he courageously played his heart out but still finished last. “only” 44 points behind Fish.

But Boynie was involved in one of the best matches of the weekend with partner, Kapalua, at Bay Hill. You remember Kap, winner of the WDI at Pinehurst in April ’07, but fading fast, who unfortunately fell victim to one of the Neck brothers, – “stiff neck.” They were up against the tough low handicappers, Snoot (-7) and Hit-man Mudano (-7). Medical MASH units were lurking most of the day behind Kapalua and Boynie, luckily, out of their view. It was a clash of opposites and their upset victory was synonymous to the Giants win against the New England Patriots in Super Bowl XLLX. Spectators were left gasping for breath as the four golfers battled it out in a seesaw match until they came to the 18^th hole. Snoot-Dog, trying to emulate Roberto Gamez or Tin Cup’s Kevin Costner, knocked two in the drink dashing their hopes.

Back to the story, Fish had maintained a slight 1 point lead over Kapalua, BroNeck, The Whaler, and Joe Babbo on Thursday despite the seven birdies put up on the board by partners, Kapalua and BroNeck. After day two, he and BroNeck were tied for the lead at +1 at Crooked Cat due to BroNeck’s sparkling 79. But the Fish faltered on Saturday with a 91 at Bay Hill to fall into second place, three points behind 3rd round leader, the gritty, ex-champ Kapalua (-5).

Fish blamed his poor showing on one too many bottles of Cakebread wine at

Christini’s Italian Ristorante the night before.

However, on Sunday, not only were the final foursome of Kapalua (-5), Fish (-8), The Whaler (-9), and Joe Babbo (-10) all within reach of the coveted Pewter Cup but a great round from BroNeck, Mudman, Neck or Lil Petey could vault them also to victory. Snooter and Duffey had boycotted Thursday’s round due to lack of sponsors, perks, and respect and were promptly DQ’d, thus, making them ineligible for the Championship. On Sunday, for Fish, time had come to well, “Fish” or “Cutbait.” Whether it was divine intervention (Fish’s shots would strike rocks, bleachers, etc., and rebound onto the green for easy birdie putts); or a tough course – Joe Babbo (94), The Whaler (96), and Kapalua (92) had miserable back 9’s due to rotten lies, long rough, etc. The Pescado played like a

flambeaud Pompano shooting a sizzling 83 (+6) and finishing first at -2. On the verge of tears, Boynie, his roommate, was very proud of Fish’s achievements and blurted out for everyone to hear, “I sleep with the Fish,” much to the annoyance of several dark-skinned Sicilians who were standing nervously nearby and looking to arrange just that for Boynie.

Lil Petey, unable to locate his “you know what” finally found his game and jumped into second place at -9 while stiff-necked Kapalua limped in at third at -10 and the stout, short, aging Kraut, the Neck, who was constantly harassed by a group of anti-short, German people leapt up to fourth place at 14, his best finish in 14 years.

The first of the ’08 Majors now over, the WDI heads out west to Oklahoma and venerable Southern Hills, host of its 8^th Major Tournament (1958, ’77, and ’01 US

Open; 1970, ’82, ’94 and ’07 PGAs) the 25th WDI Invitational. Kapalua’s older and less handsome brother, Jose, or Prez Kap, also by way of Puerto Rico and Sicily will host and play in the Silver Anniversary Tournament accompanied by two other Southern Hills members, making this tournament one to remember.

See you then,

Rick Reilly

FINAL STANDINGS

1                      Fish                 -2

2                      Lil Petey         -9

3                      Kapalua          -10

4                      Neck               -14

5                      The Whaler    -15

6                      BroNeck         -17

7 (tie)              Joe Babbo     -20

7 (tie)              Mudman         -20

9                      Denise            -27

10                    Boynie            -46

After three rounds:

11                    Snoot-Dog     -9

12                    The Duffer      -25

As we approach the first tournament of the year with bated breath and edgy anticipation, we celebrate an expansion from 8 to 12 players. The last time we had 12 players was in 1996, the last time Snooter won this event. Actually, we played Cherokee in Atlanta (both courses), then Reynold’s Plantation (two courses) in August of ’96. Way back then, we weren’t using the quota system but relied instead on net handicap scores. Snooter broke out of a tight pack with Neck, Harlan and Ross Hayes and captured his ONLY WDI trophy.

So, can Snooter tease history and do it again? (His 12-year exemption is set to expire this year, and no one has yet offered him any exemptions.) Or can Boynie perform back to back miracles? Or can Kapalua rebound from surgery and regain his WDI mastery? Finally, who is going to sleep with Morrie?

Here are the updated handicap selections from our pal, greasy Jimmy “the Geek,” for the upcoming Orlando WDI.

Snoot, Doggy Dog (5-1)

This has to be his year for crying out loud. Has not been given a sponsor’s exemption for Orlando due to many missed cuts, last on money list, he sucks, etc. A win would net him Comeback Player of the year. (Amazingly, remember when Snoot started playing on WDI tour in 1968, he was touted as the next Gay Brewer?)

Fish (6-1)

Fish can be entering this tourney at the lowest handicap ever, 3. But can he swim upstream to snag the pewter trophy against stiff competition? If he can control his “fish hook” drives, he could be top dog. Sorry, Snoot.

Broneck (7-1)

Has really elevated his game (just like his old Lockheed Airbus 360) in recent years. Handicap at 5 or 6 is a reality. Last time at Orlando in ’05, he tied with Kapalua for championship. Can he do it again? Rooming with his brother – a real detriment.

Lil Peter aka Lil Petey (8-1)

Everyone knows where Hodge got his nickname from, but can Lil Petey, aka The Prez, play consistent golf to win? Probably, as long as he doesn’t have to play with Dennis, Galen, or Boynie. If you’re paired with him, you better perform. Ask Joe Bob. (Don’t tell me I need to make this Goddamn putt!”)

Boynie (9-1)

Boynie’s stock plummeted recently for two major reasons: falling over his cart at PC several weeks ago and cracking his elbow and news from California that Morrie can’t make it to Orlando. Critics doubt he can repeat, but with his sandbagging, cheating handicap, he is still a contender even though he is on injured reserve.

Mudman Mudano (10-1)

Playing in the second WDI outing. Mudman has something to prove after guaranteeing (a la Joe Namath) a victory in Michigan in ’06 and then limping home in 7th place. Is overconfident, but so are all Italians. Will be the 4th Italian-American playing in Orlando in ’08. A new record.

Joe Babbo (11-1)

Critics say Joe Babbo is not a tournament player but a country club player. Will try to prove his critics wrong. Has developed a personality disorder – Galen will be his 3^rd roommate in 3 tournaments. If he can overcome his personal demons (why he is always changing roommates, but not changing his underwear), he could go all the way.

Kapalua (12-1)

Stock has dropped dramatically for this 4-time, good-looking, Hawaiian-Puerto Rican-Italian, past champion since he was unable to 3-peat at Torrey Pines. This tourney should tell whether he is back or if he is “a shell of a man.” Recently, voted best-looking, WDI golfer by Mons Venus.

Daaneeese or “D” (13-1)

Got his nickname by playing in one too many husband and wife tourneys. Plus, look at his swing, oye-vay! A WDI rookie who promises to bring his C, D, or F game to Orlando. But can he get hot for 4 consecutive days? A real dark horse, but not as dark as Tiger.

GJ aka Whalen aka Galen (14-1)

Also a new WDI rookie who has played every Saturday for the past 43 years with Dennis. Knows Dennis’ game better than his own. (That’s why his swing is starting to look like Dennis’.) Is WDI’s 4th or 5th doctor participant this year, depending on whether we’ll allow Hodge’s college credentials at Dental U on Florida Avenue to pass muster.

Slipper Sam Duffey (15-1)

All we need to know about Snoot’s roommate is that “Duffey ain’t no duffer.” A 2-digit handicapper that likes to his the ball straight and relax with Johnny Walker.

Neck (100-1)

Finally finished a WDI tourney after being DQ’d in previous two (Michigan & Pinehurst). However, he brought his C+ game to Torrey Pines and finished 6th. Lost his players card as well, but received exemption after brother Broneck mortgaged his home (much to the chagrin of the Nuechterlein family). Has been trying to get Senior WDI tour going in Germany but too many people remember his role at Stalag 17 in ’44. A long shot for a little snot.

Well, there you have it. See you in Orlando. We’ll see who reigns next. The meeting is Tuesday, at 5:30 p.m. the 26th of February, Men’s Grill.

Kapalua

Gentlemen, I was saddened by an email forwarded to me by a former WDI’er, where you referred to me as a hanger-oner. I had not seen Bernard in many years and I longed for the day that I would re-connect with him. I did not mean to be a pest and certainly do not like to be the brunt of your cruel jokes. After all, I AM a human being, not fodder for your childish article.

Bernard and I had become very close in med school and I was crushed when he and Sharon wed, as I thought he and I would remain lovers forever!!! I fondly recall those cold winter nights, when he and I would huddle together in front of the fire and he would tell me all about X-rays and other really boring shit!

I was so proud of Bernard when he won the tournament, because I know how much it meant to him. I felt very honored when Bernard told me that my presence, and the pep talk I gave him before we went to bed the night before, is what spurred him to victory.

In closing, please do not judge Bernard by some bad decisions he made when he was younger. I know that the years have not been kind to me, but I was quite a looker back then. (Those were Bernard’s words, not mine).

Morrie

You’ve heard the old saying, “always a bridesmaid, never a bride” Well, finally wearing lavender with a lace sash collar, Boynie cast aside his own personal demons, a wounded but lurking Kapalua and his fellow WDI compatriots enroute to his first WDI Championship. “No threepeat for Kapalua” was his battle cry for five rounds in sunny San Diego, but he did have to battle to get there. He had to battle his nerves, his swing, and his old pal, Morrie, an old school chum who Bernie met when he went to med school in Pittsburgh in 1924. You see, Morrie, a neurologist, by way of the Orient, had no friends, or at least any appreciable friends, until Bernie came to town. He quickly became the 9th WDI player, but as a dinner regular only. This companionship and camaraderie from Morrie (which got a little sickening at times) could have been the catalyst to spur Boynie to victory.

Bernie had started off strong with a birdie on the first hole on the first day at Grand Del Mar in La Jolla, but after a poor showing at Torrey Pines (South), the U.S. Open venue for ’08, he was in second place at -3 trailing the past champ and leader, Kapalua, by only 2. Kapalua’s four birdies after the first two rounds gave him a confident air as he wolfed down a plate of CoquilIes St. Jacque that night at George’s in the Cove in La Jolla. But awakening on day three, Kapalua felt a pit in his stomach and pain in his left shoulder. It seems through unsubstantiated rumors that Bernie and Fish were sitting on Kapalua as he lay in bed, thereby causing his discomfort. At any rate, Kapalua went out on Torrey Pines North and shot 50 – 42 with four triples and dropped out of the lead.

On day three also, Snoot and Broneck were playing better. Snoot’s two rounds of 83 – 83 looked like vintage McNulty in his heyday, right before his devastating 10 – 8 defeat in the North-South Amateur Tournament as a teen by little-known golf phenom, Eddie Pearce. Neck and Fish were flopping along with up and down rounds, and nobody could find Hydenseek. Actually, Hydenseek couldn’t find his game until the last two days when he shot 86 – 81 to finish alone in 2nd place, 15 points behind the 16 handicap, sandbagging, MF, Bernie.

Joe Bob’s golf turmoil was evident again. While starting out with a not-bad 87 and -3 at Grand Del Mar, it appears that Kapalua’s snoring, the three-hour time difference, and one too many lemincelIo’s cost him dearly again, as he shot 96 – 93 – 91 at Torrey Pines and fell out of the running.

The Neck, a sentimental favorite, also ran and now eligible for the Old-Fart Senior WDI Tour made a gallant effort to return to glory. Not only did he shoot two respectable rounds in the 80’s (out of five rounds), he did manage to pull off a remarkable feat – he brought toothpicks, placed them between his eyelids and never fell asleep one time during this trip. However, thinking about it, it could have been a Neck lookalike. Boy, that’s a scary thought.

On the final day at La Costa, the conclusion was anticlimatic. Boynie at -6, Kapalua and Broneck -17, Hydenseek -18, Neck -20, Joe Bob -22, Snoot -24, and Fish -27. The only way for Boynie to lose was for him to sleep in. (Kapalua tried his best to keep his room dark.) But in the end, Boynie’s sparkling 83 on the tournament course at La Costa outdistanced the field. Snoot and Hydenseek’s 81 were the low rounds of the day and pushed Snoot up to a tie for third with Kapalua and Broneck.

As Bernie and the rest of the WDI players were finishing up on the 18th hole, word spread fast that Bernie was the new WDI champ. Expecting to see several hundred of his fans, Bernie only saw the one fan that counted most, Morrie, who was draped in a white, Philippino linen suit, waiting for him with a cold iced tea at the 18th hole.

The compelling questions we have to ask for this WDI is what part did Morrie play in Boynie’s championship? Two, did he provide Bernie with any illegal steroids or any other performance enhancing drugs that made Bernie play so well? Three, how did he manage to impute his Rasputin-like power over Boynie? These questions will be lingering on WDI lips for many years to come, but suffice it to say, that at the next WDI, Morrie will be someone else’s friend. He could be mine.

See you in ’08 at a forum not yet selected.

Yours truly,

Rick Reilly

Final round standings:

1          Boynie            +1

2          Hydenseek     -14

3 Tie   Kapalua          -17

3 Tie   Snoot              -17

3 Tie   Broneck          -17

6          Neck               -18

7          Fish                 -25

8          Joe Bob         -29 (ouch)

Tiger Woods, step aside – we have a more important golf story to report. History may be made this fall by a good looking, sweet swinging, Puerto Rican – Hawaiian who lives in the off season near Palermo, Sicily. (In his three-acre Italian Villa loaded with good looking toots.) Yes, Jorge Kapalua will be making WDI history by winning three consecutive WDI sanctioned tournaments 2006-2007 if he wins the Torrey Pines WDI this Fall.

The last attempt at a 3-Peat was made by little Stevie Bolter who won at Bandon Dunes in August of ’05 and Casa De Campo in May of ’06. His bid for a third consecutive title ended when Jorge Kapalua spanked Bolter badly in the Northern Michigan Invitational in September of ’06.

Bolter was leading the tournament by three shots going into the last day at the tough Bear course in Traverse City. (Sort of like Sergio Garcia at the British Open at Carnoustie.) It used to be when Bolt has the lead, “forget about it,” but crouching like a silver-haired cat, Kapalua waited for his swing to develop then leapt into action devouring the field. It wasn’t pretty. As a matter of fact, Bolter’s defeat was so devastating that he hasn’t shown his face since, nor did he enter the two WDI tournaments scheduled for 2007. He has become a mere “shell” of a man and remains emotionally distraught. When reached for a reply he declined comment through his dogs, Jenny and Buster.

For a handicap review of the contestants for the Torrey Pines La Costa ’07 WDI, we bring in Jimmy the Geek , Jr., for the handicapping.

Kapalua (3-1)

Even though he is a cagey, aging, WDI vet, he is one hot mofo – 3 championships in the last 5 tourneys and 15 consecutive top 8 finishes. Poised for the first ever WDI 3-Peat against a “weak” field. Should be a cakewalk unless he is poisoned. Wants to invoke drug and insect screening on WDI participants because of spider bites at the recent Pinehurst tourney. Is a fan favorite – had great tourney at Southern Hills Member-Guest in Oklahoma in June; played with: “he is heavy and he is my brother.” Voted best looking golfer by Pussycat Brothel in Tulsa. New golf sticks could propel him to the top of the leaderboard early.

“Joe Bob” (10-1)

Highly touted WDI rookie who burst on the scene in ’07 with a dismal 92 at Pinehurst #8. Hit the bottle heavily after that and went steadily downhill. After a short stint at Betty Ford, has handicap again looming around 10. Could be a force at Torrey Pines depending on what game he brings with him, A, B, C or D. Was severely reprimanded by Neck and Broneck for not having first aid kit in North Carolina. Because of that rebuke, was seen in Ybor buying drugs for upcoming WDI for Neck brothers. “A little hemlock?”

Broneck (12-1)

Former Russian fighter pilot who escaped Moscow during the purge in the 90’s. An old fart retiree who plays five to six times a week – a six handicapper who keeps getting better. Supposed to play in the final foursome at Pinehurst WDI in April ’07 but succumbed to his brother’s medical problems and was promptly DQ’d. Could be a contender, however.

Snooter (15-1)

Voted WDI comeback player of the year by his peers. (Joe and Mary Peers) Torrey Pines is the kind of course that caters to Snoot’s high, wind-carving drives. Won’t have the Lebster’s snoring drain his strength, so he can play 18 holes “strong like bull.” Main drawback, hasn’t been in winner’s circle since the Atlanta WDI in August of ’96. Could be California dreaming – if he brings sleep apparatus.

Boynie (16-1)

Three straight second place finishes four out of past six tournaments suggests this could be Bernie’s time. NOT! Age could be a huge factor. He is getting older and looking older. Time may be slipping away for him to be competitive, plus he dumped his swing guru, Ledbetter, for the guy who gives tips for free in Golf Digest. Cheap Bastard. Odds are huge that he will fade in the California sunset just like Ronald Reagan, or fold like a cheap suit at the Men’s Wearhouse (again).

Fish (20-1)

Critics are saying that his ’04 England WDI victory may be a flash in the pan (or steroidal-linked) Urine sample results leaked out recently suggest BALCO – TIES. Has naked photos of Barry Bonds and Lance Armstrong in his locker at Palma Ceia. Is worried about commissioner’s investigation – could be reason for poor showing in last five WDI’s. Time is of the essence. He does have to fish or cut bait.

Hyden-“Seek” (25-1)

Unknown rookie – friend of Snooter’s. An experienced 7 handicapper, who is a late bloomer and a baby boomer. “Won’t have replay of the Lebster.” Strong game is driving. Drives a hot-red mustang. A rookie hasn’t won WDI in his first outing since Logan in ’95 by one half stroke over Kapalua at TPC, Palm Springs. This longshot could be a contender.

Neck (100-1)

By a narrow vote of four to three by the WDI Exec. Committee, Neck barely kept his WDI tour card (Broneck was one of the three). DQ’d in past two tournaments (for not finishing). People are’ wondering whether he has any “staying power.” (Including his good wife Catherine) His adoring fan base has shrunk from 500 to 2 in the past two years (his wife and himself). He had to go back to the fatherland (Germany) prior to the tournament, in July for some well needed advice from Great Uncle Adolph Von Nuechterlein. Used to blurt out strong German words like conquest, blitzkreig, and danzer. Now uses weak words like capitulation, retreat, and liebramilch. A very, very, short dark horse.

There you have it sports fans, an up-to-date recap of the participants for the fifth major of the year, the WDI Torrey Pines Fall Classic.

See you in sunny California.

Yours in golf,

Rick

A funny thing happened enroute to the Neck’s bid to win his third WDI Jacket at Pinehurst. (He won there in ’95 and ’97.) He was derailed – by a train wreck called Kapalua. The very first hole on the very first day of the 17th WDI tournament set the tone – Neck triple bogie; Kapalua – par. The rest of the weekend was a recurring nightmare for the squat, short, mustachioed, former Gestapo henchman. He never recovered.

The svelte Snooter, down to 146 ½ pounds, felt like a WDI rookie playing like he did in his youth – and fought his way into the final four on Sunday only to see his hopes dashed, by the undulating and punishing greens of Pinehurst #2 (it’s no wonder that John Daly is his idol).

Broneck, the elder, German statesman and WDI treasurer, also was playing like a man/pilot possessed. Shooting 80 on the first day and following that excellent round with scores in the low 80s as well as the tournament’s low round of 79 on Pinehurst #7, he was poised to make a run on moving day – only to get the “runs” from his brother and sit out Sunday’s round. (After Saturday, he was only 11 points back of the leader.)

Fish and/or cut bait forgot about his horrid first round score in Michigan last year and played inspired golf for four days, charging into the final pairing on Sunday at -3, three, three shots off the leader- Kapalua. Fish was seen late Friday night attempting to contact the only person able to throw a curse on Kapalua – his roomie, little Stevie Bolster. But, alas, he couldn’t reach him. On Sunday, Fish’s boomerang drives as well as his fishhooks cost him dearly as he seemed to play more like a rookie than a vet and finished third, 10 shots back. Speaking of rookies, Joe Bob and the “Lebster” added a new look of bravado to the group, but rookie nerves, jittery putting, and too many Seabreezes ended their hopes early. Joe Bob, however, was called into action as a physician when the Neck went down after the second round. Quick, decisive action and prompt medical treatment kept the Neck out of action until Sunday – but by then, he was a mere shell of a man. Joe Bob finished fifth and the Lebster sixth since the Germanic brothers couldn’t play at least one round due to their bubonic plague-like symptoms.

That left the only other person qualified enough to derail Kapalua – Boynie. Boynie a well-known, bespectacled radiologist with questionable credentials as a golfer had finished second in England in ’04 and second in the Dominican Republic and Michigan WDIs in ’06. He was the last, great, white, Jewish hope. Could he stare down Kapalua and make him blink first? Could he overtake the hard charging Kapalua with his shitty rock-the-baby swing? Did he have the chutzpah to come out on top for once? Of course, the answer is no – but I have to finish the story.

Kapalua, the good-looking, Puerto Rican, Hawaiian, who lives in Sicily in the off season, was not about to fall apart like a cheap suit at the Men’s Wearhouse (but he did start leaking oil badly on Sunday on the last two holes). Trying to become the second WDI’er to win back-to-back titles since the Bolt, he burst out of the gate quickly making pars and birdies and taking the lead on Wednesday, never relinquishing it. Tied with Boynie at level par on Wednesday and increasing his lead to eight over Fish and Broneck on Friday, he was bit near the groin by insects on Saturday’s morning round and limped into the clubhouse Saturday evening with a mere one-shot lead over Boynie and three over Fish. (Rumor has it that a current WDI’er – tall, bald with glasses, who could be Boynie’s roommate – was known to have purchased three brown recluse spiders on Ebay late Friday evening – Per Qua?)

Saturday’s final round at Pinehurst #2 opened with beautiful skies, gorgeous weather in the 50s and two spectators (raccoons). Kapalua and Boynie traded shots for 12 holes back and forth like those great golf matches back in the old days between Orville Moody and Gay Brewer, Doug Ford and Jerry Barber and so on. But number 13 on Pinehurst #2 was the turning point of the match. With the match tied, Kapalua slammed a 260-yard drive down the middle and lifted a seven iron to five feet for birdie while Boynie double bogied the hole. When Kapalua parred 15 and 16 to take an eight-shot lead with two to go, it seemed over.

Okay, back to the oil leaking story. Boynie’s birdie and Kapalua’s triple bogie on 17 shrunk his lead to three with the famous 18th finishing hole ahead. Could Kapalua regain his composure? Could Kapalua overcome the bad memories of his collapse on 18 at La Quinta in ’95 to give the cup to Harlen by one half stroke? Could he overcome his demons and his swollen, spider-bit groin/leg? Well, not really. He hooked his drive into a bush, played it out left handed, and managed to ONLY double bogie the 18^th. Meanwhile, the surging Boynie struck his hybrid two-wood to within two feet of the cup. If he makes it, he wins. If he doesn’t, he comes in second for the fourth time…………………… Boynie strikes the putt and misses! Kapalua wins 2-straight majors. Great story. Great ending.

Best,

Rick Reilly

P.S. See you in Torrey Pines August ’07.

Aloha!

The field is wide open for this year’s first WDI tournament due to the recent softball injury to Little Stevie Bolster, a five-time WDI champ. His absence improves the odds for the rest of the field. So here they are – the odds and the contestants who are vying for the coveted WDI aluminum cup.

Jorge Kapalua (7-4)

Vying for WDI Golfer of the Year; last year’s WDI champ at Michigan over eight grueling courses; a second place finisher at this year’s Gasparilla (did I say 12^th flight) means he’s for real; a fan favorite; good-looking Hawaiian hails from Puerto Rico.

Snooter (10-1)

A legend in his own mind; shot in the 70s in the ’95 and ’97 Pinehurst WDI’s; is secretly working on his game; could be the darkhorse of the tournament; knows Pinehurst like the back of his penis.

Bro-Neck (12-1)

Since retiring from Aeroflot Airlines, game has improved dramatically as seen from his co-championship with Kapalua at Bay Hill – Lake Nona in ’05; has gone from a pretender to a contender; speaks fluent Russian.

Nick Leb (aka The Lebster Boy) (20-1)

A rookie retiree in his 50s (what’s that about) with a 10 handicap from North Carolina; has made his money in the pharmaceutical business selling drugs; local knowledge being from Carolina a plus; rooming with Snooter a real liability, should bring lots of hearing aids.

“Joe Bob” Pesce (25-1)

Rookie on WDI tour as well; has the game to contend; we’ll see which game Joe Bob brings; is consistently inconsistent, however; but has good golf pedigree; word of caution, don’t cross him on the golf course; you saw what happened to the bartender on Good Fellas; a top notch pediatric physician; if he grabs your balls and asks you to cough – you better hope it’s a real exam.

Boynie (30-1)

A perennial second place finisher (ask Sharon); won’t know what role his hernia surgery plays in the tourney (even if he had it – rumor has it that Boynie was spotted at a Nicklaus/Flick golf school the weekend of his surgery disguised as a used car salesman); will have to play his “A” game in order to win this tourney; usually brings his “D” and “F” games, however.

Fish (200-1)

Could be the winner of the WDI “Flash in the Pan Award” which is an oft-used phrase for the England ’04 WDI champ; has missed the cut in six straight tournaments since England; his handicap is going up and down faster than a frickin thermometer; dug himself a hole in the ’06 Michigan WDI that he couldn’t crawl out of; needs a hot putter in order to contend; needs two new bionic arms also in order to contend.

The Neck (201-1)

A washed up former Hitler youth; lives on yesteryear’s press clippings; virtually has no chance of winning, even though Pinehurst was the scene of his greatest victories; over the years, his strength and height have dramatically ebbed; he is now 5′ 1″; can only hit driver 165 yard (with the wind); after two nice martinis – usually genial personality turns into a megalomaniac, spurting out words like blitzkreig, luftwaffe, and sieg heil; has seen the Good German (starring George Clooney) 21 times; thinks it’s his autobiography.

Feeling quite despondent and depressed after his second WDI tourney collapse, the Neck secretly doubted his ability to be competitive again. While he thought Salmonella poisoning by his fellow WDI competitors was the cause of his downfall, he couldn’t prove it. So he embarked on a new route – self improvement. Miraculously, after talking privately with swing guru Butch Harmon and spending several sessions with golf shrink Bob Rotella, the Neck felt he was emotionally ready to play golf at his highest level again.

He even traveled back to his homeland, Germany, and chatted with his great uncle, Baron Von Hitler, about taking his lessons from “blitzkrieg warfare” and transferring it into golf.

All he had to do was to find a game with a couple schmoes and then take their money. The setting was perfect, Thursday, May 17th Kapalua’s 60th birthday. The schmoes, Fish, Hodge, and Kapalua were present but were unaware of the Neck’s plans.

Steel-eyed and full of piss and vinegar, the Neck strode to the first tee at Palma Ceia and confidently smacked the ball down the middle and then repeated this maneuver again and again. Yes, the Neck was back. He once again had that faraway gaze in his eyes remembering the past – leading his panzer group across the Polish border in 1939; doing a jig with his great, great uncle in Compiegne, France after the French surrendered and winning at Pinehurst in ’97.

Actually, the Neck played scary good and managed to pummel his fellow WDI competitors on this great day, and to add insult to injury, he aced number 13 with a six iron from 180 yards. The ball bounced once six feet from the hole and found its way to the bottom of the cup.

After slurping down his fourth free beer (Fish and Kapalua actually had to chase the Neck down from the parking lot after the round was over and drag him back to the men’s grill), Fish exclaimed, “Ach to Lieber, the Neck is back!” He may well be back, but will Torrey Pines take its toll? Tune in August for the results.

Yours in golf,

Rick Reilly

The 16^th WDI Invitational in Northern Michigan was touted as the finest field in its 12 year history. Six former champs (Neck, Bolt, Broneck, Snoot, Fish and Kapalua) were vying for the Pewter Cup for the first time on Michigan soil. Six of the eight courses were five-star championship layouts (Black Lake, Bay Harbor, Arcadia Bluff, The Bear at Traverse and The Treetops Masterpiece and Signature).

The Contestants

Tensions ran high as BoIt was competing for his third consecutive title. Neck was trying to bounce back after last winning almost 10 years ago in Pinehurst, as well as Snoot Doggy Dogg at Cherokee in August of ’96. Broneck, playing well above expectations after tying in May of ’05 with Kapalua at Lake Nona/Bay Hill, planned to move in contention since he had retired and was spending more time on his game. Boynie Stein, everybody’s favorite dark horse, was carrying a 23 handicap and hungrily looking for his first title. Fish and/or Cut Bait was trying to tell the golf world that his ’04 win in England by three over Boynie was no fluke.

Matt (Mudman) Mudano, promising rookie of the year, (you better ask Rosen about this) was feeling cocky enough to predict victory, and, of course, long-time journeyman, Kapalua the fans’ favorite – who had a chip the size of Neck’s head on his shoulder, who started off like a zephyr in so many past WDIs only to fade away like the early morning’s dew.

Tournament Began

Boynie Stein started slowly tied for fourth, but after three rounds, he vaulted into the lead and held it till the sixth round. Going into the final day at The Bear, he was tied for third only five points behind Bolt. He would, however, finish second for the third time in the WDI after failing to take advantage of Kapalua on the back nine at The Bear. Mudman, vying for rookie of the year honors, (look at Rocket Rosen, Dominican Republic ’06) jumped out of the gate after the first round tied for first with Kapalua but faded away like an old soldier and fell to third after the fifth round only to end up tied for fifth overall. “After his dog was kidnapped” at Arcadia Bluffs, he was emotional distraught and psychologically finished.

Former WDI Champ “Snoot Doggy Dogg” started slowly at sixth, moved up with fine iron play to second after three rounds, but faded after the Shankman showed up. He finished tied for fifth with Matt “I’m Fucked in the Head” Mudano.

Fish or Cut Bait had one disastrous round that defined his week and that was a first round high of minus 22 that kept him “out of water” for the entire week. What coulda, woulda, shoulda, never materialized.

The Bolt, five-time WDI Champ, had never finished but in three places, first, third or fourth in his illustrious WDI career. No second place for the Bolster. But this time, after starting off slowly (following reconstructive knee, shoulder, hip, and elbow surgery) at second place then falling all the way down to sixth after the Tradition, he made his famous trademark come back at Arcadia Bluffs and Bay Harbor to take command of first place at minus one, two shots ahead of Kapalua, and five shots ahead of Boynie going into the final round at The Bear. But alas, he ran out of gas and wracked by self pity and personal doubt, as well as shitty luck, was never in contention and finished tied for third with Broneck.

The Necks

Meanwhile back at Frankenmuth, the Neck brothers had their own demons. Neck’s 60^th annual high school reunion had him driving back and forth three hundred miles per day, sapping his strength and rendering his game defenseless. Prior to leaving, due to a tragic personal loss, the Neck was alone in seventh place. Trying to uplift the infamous Nuechterlein name, Broneck was playing his usual steady game, starting at third place, moving up to a tie for first after the second day and, eventually, entering the last day at The Bear in fourth place at minus 11, ten shots off the lead. Bro was hoping for a recurrence of his play in ’05 at Lake Nona when he shot a WDI record 73 that would earn him his first co-championship, but, alas, The Bear took its toll on Broneck, and all he could do was muster a third-place tie with the fading Bolt.

 A Bare Finish

Meanwhile, back at the condo, Kapalua paced like a caged wolverine. Starting off the tourney tied with Mudman at first place, he seemed poised to make his standard charge only to be overcome by shingles, bad play, bad gas, poor swing mechanics, etc. He fell to fifth place after four rounds, moved back to third after Fazio Premier, and then shooting a sterling 68 at Bay Harbor was alone at second, one behind Bolt going into the final round at The Bear. Wearing his traditional red shirt, black Hugo Boss trousers, Kapalua vaulted out of the starting gate at The Bear startling his playing partners, Bolt, Boynie, and Broneck (the killer bees) with his 325 yard drives, precise sand game, and overall excellent play, but after 14 holes Kapalua was falling apart like a cheap suit at the Men’s Wearhouse. Two triples in three holes reduce his lead and the killer bees were poised to make a run, but on a “bear of a course” Bolt, Bro, and Boynie all missed easy two-foot birdie putts on consecutive holes enabling Kapalua to limp home with an easy seven-stroke victory over Boynie “his third straight second-place finish” and eight strokes over Bolt and Broneck.

Kapalua had won the 16th WDI in Michigan over eight grueling courses and stated over iced tea and crackers at the championships dinner, “What that was?” in typical Snoot Doggy Dog style.

We all look forward to the next WDI in ’07 wherever it may be.

Yours in golf,

Rick Reilly

P.S. The final tabulations were as follows:

 1          Kapalua          -5

2          Stein               -12

3 tie     Bolt                 -13

3 tie    Broeneck       -13

5 tie     Snoot              -22

5 tie    Mudano          -22

7          Neck               -22 DQ

8          Fish                 -24