At first glance, it looked like the FEMA police were prepared to arrest all 8 WDIers, as they exited the Southwest flight in Birmingham, Alabama. But, as they approached the chatty group, one of the beefy cops eyeballed a short, squat, rather homely Germanic fellow and immediately detained him.

” Hey buddy, ” cried out the burly FEMA cop, ” What’s that on your knee?” The Neck, looking incredulous, gazed down at his knee and back up to the burly cop and blurted out, ” Why, that’s a banjo, sir. You see, I came to Alabama with it surgically attached, because I’ve never been here before and the song said……” “Blah, blah, blah, interrupted the cop, “we’ve heard that one before. Book him Danno.”

By the time, the frazzled Neck was released from Airport jail, he hurriedly arrived at the 1st tee at Old Overton, by the skin of his penis ( or teeth ), teed off and then promptly LOST in succession : his visor, suntan lotion, 5-iron, laser, tampax, and alas, his game. Unfortunately, that horrid start doomed the Neck to a 1st round 94 and quashed his hopes of winning for the first time on tour in 20 years. His 4-man group also distinguished themselves for breaking the record for the LONGEST 9 holes in WDI history—3 hours 20 minutes!!! While playing partner Boynie putted brilliantly for an 85, Jake “the Snake” Nellis, unnerved, shot 79, but the large Barracuda ( Fish ) blew up with a 96.

Meanwhile, Team 2, seething in anger at long waits on virtually EVERY shot, managed to catch a movie at the turn. Joebob, playing in his 1st WDI since his disabling injury almost a year ago, was EN FUEGO, and went on a tear—–recording 3 birdies and a 37 on the front 9, enroute to a 84. Kapalua, the pre-tournament favorite, was out of sync, and frustrated by the long round, shot 86. Tour rookie, Johhny ” Kluz ” Kluzek from the Czech Republic had a respectible 88 and met his quota on the number. And Snooter’s marker/fill-in Sellers Gaunt, tall, slender and malnourished shot 86. You see, as is his M O, the Snoot was delayed once again, on Day One. But, hell, this wasn’t too bad——-sometimes he missed the whole fucking trip. This time he ONLY missed the first round and one of his pals from Birmingham, Gaunt, filled in for him. Snoot did managed to arrive in B’Ham in time for dinner at Cafe duPont and the customary 25 drink-8 bottles of wine WDI dinner.

An overcast sky and forboding Shoal Creek awaited the boys on Day 2 and it proved to be just as challenging as it was 2 years ago. Kapalua, the good-looking, sweet-swinging Puerto Rican – Hawaiian, shook off the cobwebs and dinner the night before, and recorded a blistering 80 ( he shot 79 back in 2009 ) and shared 2nd place at day’s end with the Snake at -2, who also carded an 80. But, kudos of the day, fell to the middle-aged European rookie, Kluz, who took over 1st place at -1. ( Joebob and Boynie shared 1st place at +4, but fell apart like cheap suits on Day 2 ) The foreign press, especially those from the Czech Republic were going crazy….”Screw that tennis player Dojicendhfbc ?” We want the Kluzster…” Could he be just the 3rd rooke in WDI history ( after Briggsey and the Snake ) to win in just his 1st tournament. Let’s see? NOT!!!

Meanwhile, the Alzheimer’s ailment ( Where’s my glasses….Who are you ) reared its ugly head for a 2nd straight day, as Snoot lost HIS camera and eyeglasses….BEFORE he teed off. And was he teed off!!! Unable to see the ball, greens, trees, golfing partners and recovering from the night before when he got SNOOTFACED……he gamely shot 98 freefalling to last place. By the time he finished his round, the gallery and European press were nowhere to be seen. Actually, they had qued up and were busily peppering questions to Kapalua and the Snake. Kap was wearing extra dark sunglasses as he answered anal questions by a buxomed, blonde, bombshell Golf Channel reporter—–but his head tilt gave him away!

Licking their wounds and a few limes and Tequila at Hot and Hot Fish Club was the proper remedy that night, because the cold Fish turned Hot and Hotter at Farmlinks on Day 3–as was the Kluzster–they both came in at +7 with scores of 85 and 82. Kluz took a commanding, not to be overcome, no fucking way lead at +6 going in to the final day. WHOOPS.( Slithering up the fairway was the Snake who came in at 0, and 2d place) Bunched up at -3 were 3 past Champs: Kapafuckinglua; Hot and Hotter Fish and Boynie AKA Mr. Shankapottamas ( he only had 5 shanks on Friday )

Although this was moving day, Snoot managed to stay put with Joebob and the Neck. Sellers Gaunt was nowhere to be seen. However, someone said there was a sighting of Sellers at the Walker Cabin earlier that morning wrestling with a beaver! ( We hope his wife doesn’t find out ) But no offical word.

That nite at GianMarcos fine Italian ristorante, after too much wine/drinks ( again ) and too much food (again ) the boys super glued Snoot’s glasses to his head; Necks’ laser to his hip and Boynies wallet to his hand. Guess what? No more Alzheimers!!!!!!!

Day 4–Finals day @ grand Old Overton, where we played that 6-hour round on Wed. ( a private course ), started out warily when Course Super Mark Cagle called Kapalua and asked, very diplomatically if the boys would like to come out a little earlier…say, 6am. That way, the WDIers would be through for dinner that night at beautiful Highlands Grill. And ALL putts over 6 inches would be “GOOD “.

A compromise was agreed upon and play started. While the Kluzster held an “insurmountable ” lead and was playing ‘lights’ out the day before—he unfortunately also got SNOOTFACED the night before at GianMarcos and his game and his mind became —KLUELESS. Leaking oil after 5 holes, he was on the verge of capsizing. Shouts of ” Abandon ship..Abandon ship were heard emitting from his arse- hole.

The trio of Kap, Fish and Boynie, wannabe leaders, could have been contenders, if they played their ‘fish’ guts out—-BUT 84–93–89 respectively dashed their hopes. Little Clam Neck made a late charge with a 83, but losing his laser 12 times that week proved to be his undoing. Plus, at 4′ 10″ he barely could see the flags, even from 50 yards out. PITY. Joebob, who at 3000-1 odds, tried to defy the oddsmaker with his brilliant 1st day lead, but Golf Channel commentators Brandel Chamblee and Frank”Duke ” Nobilo said succinctly, ” You can’t expect too much outta Joebob, since this is his 1st tourney in almost a year. We applaud his toughness and we’ve got a shoulder for you to lean on, whenver you want.”

Yes, that same Duke Nobilo of WDI fame, who somehow finegaled a commentator’s spot after being DQed in April for ” consorting with dogs ” by the Commish. Something about, Fuck you guys, I’ll call my ‘new’ bestest buddy…Arnie. He owns the Golf Channel.” Plus, I want to be there to see the WDIers sweat like whores in church.” And they did!!!

Snooter made a late charge, also with an 80 ( w/4 birdies ) BUT like the low-lying, crawling snake that he is…..Jake “the Snake” shot a sterling 73 to Kluz’s 91 ( they flip-flopped in standings ) and won the 65th WDI by 6 points over a heartbroken but gamey ( whew ) Kluz. ” CZECHMATE” yelled Snake as he holed his final putt, fist clenched ala Tiger, and looking directly at his Czech counterpart. In his best English and a classic sportsmanlike gesture..Kluz fired back with ” Fuck u! ( with middle-finger extended )

FEMA cops hired by Old Overton policed the large, unruly crowd. The big burly FEMA cop, still had his eyes on the little Kraut, as the FEMA boys escorted the WDIers right off the 18th into their awaiting SUVs….tasty topless dancers from Club Cheetah were jostling and speaking Czech in order to attract Kluz’s attention. But into their cars they went AND would arrive at Highland’s Grill on time for their victory dinner celebration. What a tourney!!!!

See you at the last Major of the year at a venue yet to be decided.

Yours in sports,
Wick Wiley

FINAL SCORES

1. JAKE THE SNAKE …..+6           2-MAN TEAM SCORES

2. KLUZ……………………….0              NECK AND JAKE……..+1
3. BOYNIE…………………..-2             JOEBOB AND KLUZ….-7
4. NECK……………………..-5               SNOOT AND FISH……-7
5. KAPALUA……………….-6              KAPALUA AND BOYNIE -8
5. FISH………………………-6
7. JOEBOB…………………-7
7. SNOOT…………………..-7

Click here to go to the photo gallery: 2011 Birmingham

The noise was deafening………………..Horns were blaring, tires were screeching, young tasty Tampa U coeds were crying, uncontrollably and middle-aged salt and pepper haired men were chanting : WDI ! WDI! WDI! WDI!

Boys, Golf Digest just came out with its issue of Best 100 Private Courses and Best 100 Public Courses for this year. I looked over the list closely and came up with a few ideas on which venues we should pursue. Of course, we need help with some of the private courses….we have seen recently the problem with Birmingham CC and the need for members to play with us. We didn’t have that situation at Old Overton, Oakland Hills, Oakmont or So. Hills, but that’s because we had friends at high places. ( or bros in high places )

MARYLAND….Congressional ( #77 ) Blue is the key to playing there, with Caves Valley, Baltimore CC, Bulles Rock, Burning Tree and Congressional Gold as the other possibilities. Let’s put Snooter in charge of Maryland and see if we can get to play Congressional Blue and the others.

CALIFORNIFICATION…Olympic ( #27 ), Preserve ( # 68 ) and Monterrey Penin. ( #79 ) are the plums. Joe Hodge never got the responses we needed. Let’s put Duke in charge and maybe contact Gil to see if he has any leverage.

MICHIGAN….Forest Dunes was listed as # 99 in the Private 100 list…a pleasant surprise Neck. And we have played #12 Crystal Downs, #24 Oakland Hills, #49 Arcadia Bluffs on the private list AND #44 Black Lake, # 66 Bay Harbor and #81 Grand Traverse ( Bear ) on the Public list. But wait, there are more we havent played…….#33 True North, #36 Tullymore, #53 Eagle Eye, #69 Elk Ridge and # 88 Lakewood Shores. Let’s place Neck in charge to see if we can play those NEW courses, of course depending on logistics. Are these courses north or south? Then, we have Belvedere etc.in the north as well.

The WDI has played a bunch of both the 100 Private and Public Courses….of interest per their rankings, first on the Private 100 are: Oakmont #4; Pebble #6; Crystal Downs #12; Pacific Dunes # 15; Whistling Straits #17; Oakland Hills #24; Bandon Dunes #28; Pinehurst # 2 ( 37; So. Hills #38; TPC Sawgrass #41; Arcadia Bluffs #49; Spyglass #52; Laurel Valley # 55; Bandon Trails #63; Blackwolf Run #71; SHOAL CREEK #72; and Froest Dunes #99.

The 100 Public Courses that we have played is more extensive: Pebble #1; Pac Dunes #2; Whistling #3; Bandon #4; Pnehurst #2 (8 ); TPC Sawgrass #9; Arcadia #10; Ban. Trails #14; Blackwolf #15; Forest Dunes #20; Torrey Pines #43; Black Lake #44; Pine Needles #48; Golden Horseshoe #50; World Woods #55; Span. Bay #57; pga wEST #62; bAY Harbor #66; Pinehurst #8 ( 68 ); Grand Traverse ( Bear ) #81; and how bout Innisbrook at #93 ( which we have played but not as a group )

Finally, we are playing in Alabama in May…they rank the courses we are playing as follows: 1. Shoal Creek; 5. Old Overton 7. Farmlinks ( we played Greystone 2 years ago it was rated 9 ) Unfortunately, B’Ham Cc was rated 2 and the other courses rated were some of the Rob. Trent Jones Trail Courses. But not the ones in B’Ham.

So boys, let’s get to work and see if we can get on the primo courses…because our motto is, ” We gotta play as many of the World’s Top Courses before the Good Lord takes us.” Let’s have an executive meeting in B’Ham in May….I expect each of you gentlemen to present your findings to the entire board at that time!!!!!

Yours golfingly,

Kapalua

WICK WILEY: HOW NERVOUS WERE YOU PUTTING DOWNHILL ON NO. 12 WITH THE PIN IN FRONT?

KAPALUA: ( LAUGHING ) NERVOUS AS A WHORE IN CHURCH, WICK.

WW:  84, 82, 81 CHAMPIONSHIP FLIGHT…3RD PLACE. IMPRESSIVE!  IS THAT THE BEST YOU’VE PLAYED IN A GASPARILLA TOURNAMENT?

KAP: YES, WICK IT IS. I THINK THE PRESSURE ( NOT CAROL PRESSURE, AN OLD COLLEGE FLAME ) IS OFF ME, SO TO SPEAK. PLUS, I’VE BEEN HITTING THE BALL MORE BETTERER IN RECENT WDI TOURNEYS.

WW: WHY DIDN’T THE REST OF THE WDI TOUR PLAYERS PARTICIPATE IN GASPARILLA , KAP?

KAP: WELL ONE BIG REASON, IS THAT THEY ARE A BUNCH OF SCHMOOS. DUKE, JUST GOT BACK FROM A WEEK OF ALCOHOL IMBIBING AND DEBAUCHERY IN DAYTONA…HE WAS OUT OF IT. SNOOT DOGGY-DOG WAS IN ATLANTA WTH DORA LOOKING FOR JIM’S KNOBS OR SOME KIND OF KNOBS FOR HIS NEW TOWNHOME; JOEBOB’S STILL ON IR; NECK DIDN’T PASS HIS PHYSICAL; FISH, BOYNIE AND BRONECK DIDNT’ QUALIFY.

WW: WHAT ABOUT BRIGGS?

KAP: OH, THE LARGE-HEADED MAN FINISHED HIS FIRST TWO ROUNDS WITH SCORES OF 81, 78…BUT AFTER TRYING TO FISH HIS BALL OUT OF THE LAKE ON NO. 13, THE WEIGHT OF HIS HEAD WHILE LEANING OVER CAUSED HIM TO FALL OVER INTO THE LAKE AND HE DROWNED.

WW: BUMMER…DID THEY RECOVER HIS BODY.

KAP: NO, JUST HIS HEAD. WHEN THEY FISHED IT OUT, THE WATER LEVEL WENT DOWN 10 FEET.

WW: WOW, WOULD HAVE LOVED TO BEEN THERE.   KAP, HAS THE WDI TOUR BEEN GIVEN A SHOT OF CREDIBILITY AFTER ARNOLD PALMER ENDORSED IT A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO AT BAY HILL?

KAP: ( FROWNING ) DOES A BEAR SHIT IN THE WOODS, WICK? OF COURSE IT HAS…WHAT ARE YOU A MORON?

WW: NOT REALLY, ALTHOUGH SOME PEOPLE HAVE CALLED ME THAT.( BECOMES RED-FACED )

KAP: ARNIE’S THE KING. ANYTHING HE TOUCHES WILL TURN TO GOLD.

WW: HOW DO YOU THINK YOU’RE GOING TO FARE  AT SHOAL CREEK, ALABAMA IN MAY? ( SITE OF 36TH WDI TOURNEY )

KAP: I THINK I’M THE ODDS ON FAVORITE WICK. WHO’S GOING TO BEAT ME: 2 GUYS WITH BAD SHOULDERS…THE BIG MOMMALUKE…THE SMELLY PESCADO..MR. SHANKSALOT..THE AGING NECK OR SNOOT DOGGY DOG?

WW: IF I SAY JORGE KAPALUA TO SOMEBODY, WHAT’S THE FIRST THING THEY THINK OF?

KAP: GOOD-LOOKING, SWEET SWINGING TRICK SHOT ARTIST WHO LIVES IN SICILY IN THE OFF SEASON.

WW: SO, WHO ARE YOU REALLY?

KAP: GO FUCK YOURSELF WICK. WHAT A STUPID QUESTION. ( GETS UP AND LEAVES )

WW: THANKS FOR YOUR TIME……………..

NOTE: THIS INTERVIEW WAS PATTERNED AFTER DAN PATRICK’S JUST MY TYPE COLUMN IN EVERY SPORTS ILLUSTRATED MAGAZINE. ALL ACCOUNTS OF PEOPLE AND PLACES ARE FIGMENTS OF WILEY’S VIVID IMAGINATION AND HE SHOULD NOT BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE.

                   The WDI was officially recognized as a professional tour by the ” King ” in a moving, secret ceremony in his private, plush office at Bay Hill C. C. last week. Wearing his official WDI tour hat and lapel pin ( sold to him for only $29.95 by Commissioner Kapalua) Mr. Palmer looked up to the unshaven, tobacco chewing 7′ 2″ Duke of Scary (a Frank Nobilo look-alike) and said ” Duke, even though you look like a ‘bochagaloop’, congratulations for winning the 2011 Bay Hill Classic. Now, I have to leave and play a round with REAL golfers.”

                 The last image you have is of Arnie, straining and dragging the big” bochagaloop”, who is hanging on Arnie’s pants as he was leaving his office…and crying uncontrollaby. Geez, talk about an embarrassing moment. Get a life, Duke!!!!

                The 2011 Tourney actually began a couple days earlier at posh Islesworth C.C. in Windermere (home of El Tigre, et al) when Kapalua, Snoot, Duke and Steve-O ( Duke’s assistant and previous WDI participant ) played a practice round with Mark O’Meara and after the round posed for pictures around the now-famous Tiger fire hydrant, that could easily be mistaken for Mike “Neck ” Nectarine ( short, squat and an eye-sore ) Pieces of a Nike 5-iron, mascara, lip gloss and a battered cell-phone could still be seen surrounding the hydrant, as evidence of an affair (s) gone bad.

               The next morning, the Executive Committee of the WDI motored down I-4 to Panther Lake @ Orange County National to meet up with the other ‘puds’ for round one. And what a great opening round it was! Pre-tournament favorite—the good-looking, sweet-swinging Puerto-Rican, Hawaiian Kapalua got out of the gates quickly, as is his trademark, shooting a blistering 77 w/ 2 birdies to share the 1st round lead with Everymans “fav”….Snoot Doggy Dog (who shot 78 w/ 3 birdies also at +7)

                Duke, meanwhile, parlayed 3 back nine birdies en route to a 73 and third place at +4, while the short, stocky Kraut, Neck, probably playing in his last tournament due to poor play and bad hygiene, surprised the large, unruly crowd with a 84…good enough for 4th place and +2. Overall, their 4-man quota was a WDI record +20!

              Once again, their evening at Christini’s Italian Ristorante, proved to be Kapalua’s downfall (and to a few others) After several ‘nice’ martinis, 6 bottles of Amarone wine, delicious gnocchis in a tangy bolognese sauce; remarkably fresh Calamari and succulent osso bucco, that was as tender as a womans’s heart, the night was just getting started. Hung over and feeling like shit is the norm for Day 2 at a WDI Tournament, however. And to boot, they were playing tough Bay Hills for rounds 2 and 3. Whether it was too much booze, indigestion, rainy weather or too little sleep, day 2 was a Mofo.

              Duke shot in the 70s again ( 75 ) to take over 1st place and everyone else fell apart ( yeah, yeah, we know…like a cheap suit, etc. etc) Boynie, even with new clubs and a pretty new blue bag, and recently just released from Shankoppotomas Rehab days earlier, went smartly INTO the tank. The Fishman, just couldn’t get his act together and everyone agreed, yes…his game smelled like spoiled mullet. Broneck, who last had a great tounament at Bay Hill in the 50s, hit the ball straight, but couldn’t putt those “hairy-assed” greens. And 2nd time contestant, Sam “The Sham” Duffey lost his Pharoahs early on the front nine and never broke the century mark for his two rounds. Rumors were they had to leave to fly back to Cairo to lead the demonstrations. That was ok for Bay Hill officials, as several hundred white-hooded Pharoahs caused security concerns for the entire tourney. An abundance of falafel, hummus and stinky camel dung permeated the atmosphere.

             In the end, while everyone could blame the cold and rainy weather, the slow, hairy-assed greens, arthritis and diarheea; one thing was certain—–it was anybody’s tournament to win on the final day EXCEPT…Boynie, Broneck, Neck, Fish and Sam the Sham!!!  However, Kapalua and Snoot-Dog, with their 10 handicaps and acute knowledge of Bay Hill were lurking quietly nearby. Snooter exclaimed, “I can win this thing.I know this course as well as the back of my penis .” To which Kapalua shouted, ” C’mon Snoot, put that vienna sausage back in your pants, before someone sees it.” Good thing they weren’t roommates!!!!!!!!!!

           Notwithstanding the final drama, the Duke seemed detached from the play by grinding on every hole, and focusing on holding the coveted pewter cup by day’s end. Given erroneous information by the good-looking, sweet-swinging Puerto-Rican-Hawaiian on the 15th green, could have been fatal to his attempt. Told by his caddie vis-a-vis Kapalua that he was only ahead by one point and in the fairway bunker on the par-5 16th….the bochagolopop Duke went for the green in two. From 237 yards out , around trees and over water, his 3-wood from the bunker landed on the green 15 feet from the hole…..of course he missed the eagle, but birdied the hole.

        Both Snoot and Kap knew it was game-over, but then, it had been since the 9th hole. 3-putts were the norm, when birdies could have made the difference. There was no late charge…no Arnie’s Army…not even the Pharoah’s were around. It was just the big lug, Duke and the coveted cup, again. Yawn……….

           SOME QUESTIONS AND OBSERVATIONS FROM THE 2011 WDI TOURNEY AT BAY HILL

         1. DOES THE NECK NEED SOME ‘ANGER’ MANAGEMENT COURSES SPECIFICALLY DESIGNED FOR RESTAURANT DINING? OR SHOULD HE EAT DINNER SOLO AT 5:30 PM AND GO DIRECTLY TO BED?

         2. IS THE LARGE CHILEAN SEA BASS A DONE DEAL AT AGE 76 AFTER HIS 10TH STRAIGHT MISSED CUT AFTER WINNING AT SOUTHERN HILLS IN 1973?

         3. CAN THE SHANKAPOTTOMAS AKA BERNIE FIND HAPPINESS IN ANOTHER SPORT, LIKE KNITTING? OR SHOULD WE JUST CHOP OFF HIS ARMS FROM THE SHOULDER?

         4. IS SAM THE SHAM CUTTING TIES WITH THE PHAROAHS OR DO THE PHAROAHS JUST WANT TO CUT UP SAM? DOES ANYONE WANT TO BUY SAM’S TIME-SHARE IN A ‘NICE’ CAIRO  CONDO? 

         5. AFTER PLAYING LIKE A FUCKING SCHMOO IN HIS FIRST 10 WDI TOUNAMENTS….HOW AND WHY IS THE DUKE OF SCARY SHOOTING HIS HANDICAP AND WINNING? CAN YOU SAY HGH? TESTING WILL BE THE NORM AT ALL FUTURE TOURNEYS….. DUKE ARMSTRONG.

         6. WHY WAS SNOOTDOGGY DOG SEEN BUYING ‘EXTEND A PENIS ‘ CREAM AFTER HIS REMARKS ABOUT HIS PENIS? AND CAN ANYONE BREAK THE RECORD OF 53 JESSIES IN ONLY 3 DAYS BY HIM? MAYBE THE SNOOT IN MAY AT SHOAL CREEK?

             Maybe the answers to these tough questions will be revealed at the next WDI tourney in Alabama @ Shoal Creek in May 2011. Until then, hit em straight…..see you in Birmingham.

                                                                                               Golfingly yours,

                                                                                                 Wick Wiley

                                                           TOURNAMENT SCORES

                                            ISLESWORTH       PANTHER LAKE     BAY HILL    BAY HILL

1. DUKE  +3…………………………….74                              73                         75                   78

2. SNOOT -3…………………………….84                            78                         85                   86

3. KAPALUA -4…………………………83                           77                         86                   87

4. NECK -6………………………………DNP                         84                         89                   89

5. BOYNIE -9……………………………DNP                       91                        101                   91

6. BRONECK -12……………………….DNP                      87                          93                   88

7. FISH -15……………………………….DNP                       90                        102                  93

8.SAM THE SHAM -27………………..DNP                    DQ                       105                 106

9. STEVE-O DID NOT QUALIFY…….93                  N/A                     N/A                 N/A

Click here to go to the photo gallery: 2011 Bay Hill

“Get outta here you asshole and take your old ‘codger’ buddy with you!” yelled the Steeler-clad bartender with a cute ponytail. “Screw you!” hollered the Duke. “And I hope your shitty team loses Sunday!” (it did 17-14 to the Ravens) Marriott security hurried into the Steelhead Lounge at the City Center and quickly escorted the two inebriated WDlers out of the bar. “Can you believe that asshole?” exclaimed Duke. To which Snooter replied, “I can’t believe he called me an old fuck!!!” Hey Snoot, look in the friggin’ mirror!!!!!!!!!

And so, the 2010 Pittsburgh WDI began. Actually, it began earlier that day at hallowed Oakmont Country Club, some say is the hardest golf course in the world. Four of the WDI boys (only 4 were allowed) were there playing a practice round in preparation for the WDI tourney. Practice round at Oakmont? Are you fucking crazy? How about a final championship round at fabled Oakmont? And how bout those scores: Bernie 78, Kapalua and Snoot 79 and Duke..76. Oh, I forgot to tell you…..they ONLY played 16 holes.

A nasty Noreaster blew into Pittsburgh on Thursday morning and it was touch and go as to whether the course would be playable. But like Southern Hills in Tulsa, Oakmont drained remarkably fast and the boys got off at 4:15 on #12 and played til dark. Even if they all had bogeyed 10 and 11 (both par 4s) those still would have been respectable scores on the Monster.

Day 2 brought sunshine, cold temps in the 50s and the Fitzgerald boys (my cousins)—Kevin (Fitz) and his son Chris (Son of a Fitz) to Laurel Valley, a beautiful Palmer course about 11/2 hours south of Pittsburgh, right down the road from Latrobe, Pa and past site of the ‘65 PGA and ‘75 Ryder Cup. “This has to be one of the most beautiful courses in the world… I can’t wait to play it” said Snoot-Dog. BUT HOLD IT, maybe Snoot and Duke would be barred from playing ANY further golf. Yikes!!!!!!!!

Let’s back up. After the confrontation with the burly (but cute) Pittsburgh bartender, Commissioner Kapalua called an emergency meeting of the WDI Executive Committee to discuss sanctions, including possible suspension of Snoot and Duke for their “outlandish conduct”. One Executive Committee member who shall remain anonymous (a short, mustached German-looking gent) blurted out, “Their conduct is unfathomable…..they should be suspended, spanked and fined. It tarnishes the WDI Tour image…sort of gives us a black eye. Sig heil” When everything looked dark and dismal for Snoot and Duke after the 1^st vote (1-1 with one abstention), the Commish walked back into the crowded conference room, drinking a ‘nice’ martini and wearing a new Oakmont golf shirt, compliments of Duke and Snoot and shouted ….” no suspension, they are allowed to compete.” Can you say graft, bribery and extortion? I thought you could.

So, at last the 43rd WDI Tourney commenced at Laurel Valley with only 7 golfers. (Joebob was on injured reserve) as Boynie’s future son-in-law, Goldeelocks (aka Andy Goldman) was delayed arriving from Chicago. He and Boynie’s beautiful daughter, Lauren were visiting Pittsburgh and introducing Goldeelocks to Boynie’s in-laws, the Fokkers (a cranky pair of 96 yr.olds) That nite back in Pittsburgh after a fabulous Italian meal, compliments of my cucinos at Alla Famiglia, and after 6 bottles of delicious Brunello di Montalcino…. a sullen and emotional Goldeelocks grabbed Bernie by his WDl lapel pin and pleaded, “Please, don’t make me go back there. Pleez Bernie, ah, Dad, ah Boynie/Dad etc” And all Bernie did was to look away into his ‘nice’ glass of Limoncello and laugh…a long, hard wicked laugh.

The whole crew left early Saturday morning and proceded to Firestone to finish the tournament. While Firestone is actually comprised of three courses, South, North and West, the South course is where most of the championship action has taken place. Firestone South has hosted the PGA Championship in 1960, 1966 and 1975 as well as, the American Golf Classic, CBS Golf Classic and the World Series of Golf since 1962 (they now host the Bridgestone Classic)

But what got the WDlers talking was the Clubhouse. It’s golf nirvana! Upstairs are suites surrounded by a large living area w/open bar, 24/7 and comfy leather chairs and at least 10 large screen TVs, showing every sports event in the US. So, in the end there were finally 2 foursomes made up of a Tampan from Chicago; 2 Pittsburghans from Chicago; a Chicagoan; a Tampan from Pittsburgh, a Tampan from Philly and finally Snoot, by way of Dublin. WTF???

The Duke played splendid golf in the 50 degree, chilly, wet weather all weekend… Kapalua made a charge, but came up short, as did Boynie; the Fish was out of water too long and fizzled out; the Fitz boys did well in their first WDI as did Goldeelocks but the Snoot, well what can you say, except…Wat Da Wa!!!!!

See you in 2011,

Rick Reilly

SCORES

OAKMONT (16 holes)

1          DUKE                                     76

2          BOYNIE                                  78

3          KAPALUA                             79

3          SNOOT                                  79

LAUREL VALLEY

1          DUKE                                     80

2          KAPALUA                             91

2          SNOOT                                  91

4          SON OF A FITZ                     93

5          BOYNIE                                  94

6          FISH                                       98

7          FITZ                                        101

FIRESTONE SOUTH

1          DUKE                                     79

2          KAPALUA                             82

3          GOLDEELOCKS (DQ’d)     90

4          FITZ                                        92

5          SON OF A FITZ                     95

5          SNOOT                                  95

7          FISH                                       98

8          BOYNIE                                  99

FIRESTONE NORTH (9 holes)

1          DUKE                                     36

2          SNOOT                                  40

3          KAPALUA                             42

4          BOYNIE                                  45

5          SON OF A FITZ                     46

5          FISH                                       46

7          FITZ                                        47

8          GOLDEELOCKS (DQ’d)     48

FINAL SCORES

1          DUKE                                     -4

2          KAPALUA                             -12

3          BOYNIE                                  -15

4          SON OF A FITZ                     -17

5          SNOOT                                  -18

5          FISH                                       -18

7          FITZ                                        -23

8          GOLDEELOCKS (DQ’d)     DQ

Click here to go to the photo gallery: 2010 Oakmont, Laurel Valley, Firestone

The sleek black Celtic Golf tour van rolled to a crunching stop at the pebble-strewn entrance to Tralee after a bumpy 2 hour drive from the Shannon Airport and out poured (literally) 6 tired, glassy-eyed golfers. “Stick a fork in me, I’m done”, yelled Snoot to no one in general, as he hurriedly exited the bus.

Was it jet-lag, the ensuing long bus ride and the excitement of playing the 1^st round of golf in Ireland OR could it have been the incessant, mindless chatter of the Celtic driver, Jumping Johnny YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, Weghlan that caused that “deer in the headlight stares” from the WDI lads.

Johnny, a born and bred Dubliner, spoke with the usual Irish brogue and had the usual Irish ‘summer teeth’ (some were there… some weren’t)

If Jimmy the Geek had wagered that no one could talk nonstop for 2 hours (other than ugly women) he would have lost the bet. And if the WDI boys had taken a 100 true/false test on Irish history, I think they would have aced it. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

Back to the golf story. Once again, a ‘rookie’ golfer defied the odds, the prospect of volcanic ash, Johnny the bus driver and the rugged weather of S.W. Ireland to win the 26th WDI Tourney. Jake “The Snake” Nellis, Snoot’s stepson, a 6 handicapper from Atlanta and a veteran of the past two Snoot Father/Son tourneys, stepped into WDI immortality by posting a final round 77 at Lahinch to win despite a late charge by the cagey vet duo of Kapalua (84) and the Duke of Eric (74).

Jake knew it was going to be a tough battle, but he didn’t realize how demanding his game would have to be, in order to prevail and ‘beat off’ (so to speak) his challengers. And he also didn’t realize what “a pain in the ass” this trip would be to him. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

Kapalua, as usual, led the field after the first round at Tralee, (83) by one over Jake (81) and 2 over Duke (79). The good looking Puerto-Rican Hawaiian has a history of fast starts and slow finishes, and this WDI was no exception. Day 2 at Ballybunion was colder (high 50s), windier and a lot more tougherer.

With the first tee shot slung over an ancient cemetery, every shot was challenging but fun. Kapalua (85) and Jake (82) shared first place by a scant 3 points over Duke (81) and 9 points over a recalcitrant JoeBabbo (91). But, what about the Snooters? Snoot and Snoot Jr. (Alan McNulty)? Can you say 5th and 6th place? And there were only 6 golfers!!!

Snoot Sr. was in a freefall looking very much like a green beret parachutist, but w/o his parachute. He had been ‘en fuego’ for most of the 09·10 WDI season; tying for 1st w/Duke at Shoal Creek; coming in 2d after leading for 5 and 7/8 rounds at Oakland Hills, Michigan and winning handily at Bay Hill this past January. However, it appears that he had ‘shot his wad’. He would eventually make WDI infamy by going from ‘first to worst.’ YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

Snoot Junior, was unfortunately, emulating his ‘old man’ after several rounds, but suddenly found his game ‘laddie’ and made a late run at Old Head and Doonbeg, only to fall apart like a cheap suit at Lahinch. He encountered “bunkermania.”

Meanwhile, the ‘dark’ horse of the tourney, going in and perennial fan favorite, JoeBabbo, just couldn’t find his mojo. When he realized on the first day at Man Friday’s Pub that there is no pasta in Ireland, his eyes watered briefly, his shoulders sagged and his game sucked from that point on. He started out 95-91-88 and then he heavily hit the sauce (not tomato). YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

The Duke of Eric, low handicapper of the group (3), and the ONLY Royal as well, had the most consistent rounds and lowest score of the tourney (74), but he couldn’t master the elements, master his roommate Snoot’s snoring or just plain masturbate! YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? But, his late charge at Lahinch made his tournament respectable.

After Jake’s 77 was posted and the WDI aluminum trophy presented at the Lahinch clubhouse, he quaffed down his 4^th Smithwick’s and quietly enjoyed the paparazzi’s attention. He hoisted up his pint and gave the ever increasing press corp an update on his physical condition and then left carrying his portable bidet.

Some interesting tidbits were gleaned from this 26th WDI trip: Kapalua’s oft-told fabricated story of large hares, wolverines and donkeys may turn out to be partially credible. Some of the lads did see several large hares hopping around the courses, but Alan McNulty noted, “I thought I saw a 5 foot hare in the distant fog, but when I got close it was the Duke bending over in his beige rainsuit tying his shoes.” Sorry Kapalua.

Secondly, as you would all agree playing with your pals in Ireland is awesome, BUT Snoot, playing with his sons was, according to him “unfriggingbelievable”. And thirdly, the WDI found its home as it was tacked up on an ancient wooden beam at a 15th century pub, Durty Nelly’s, next to fire rescue and police department crests from all over the world. The ceremony only took turdy or farty seconds.

But, when all is said and done, when the last round is played; the last dinner enjoyed and the last goodbyes shared and you reflect how terribly worn out you are physically and emotionally….spent tons of cash, suffered heartburn/hangovers/hemorrhoids, poor decisions, bad swings and lost a hundred balls…..

When you reflect back further on the trip with the outstanding hotels; delicious meals, fantastic courses, great camaraderie and if you’re lucky in some cases w/your sons and brothers, everyone and I mean everyone…..wants to go back and do it all over again. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? Yeah, I think I do!!!!!!!

Poga-Mothoin,

Rick Reilly

FINAL SCORES

1          JAKE              -81-82-85-75-81-77

2          KAPALUA     -83-85-91-85-89-84

3          DUKE             -79-81-83-82-84-74

4          JOEBOB        -95-91-88-90-91-88

5          ALAN              -101-100-98-89-94-97

6          SNOOT          -95-93-94-88-90-92

Click here to go to the photo gallery: 2010 Southern Ireland

The struggle was brief and then there was silence.

The bespectacled middle-aged gent was lying face down, straddled on the black and white tiled bathroom floor, with one hand pulled behind his back. Joebob held his ankles and Duke, all 6’10” of him, sat on his torso, as Kapalua groped and strained to take the sharp razor out of his hands, all the while mindful of not spilling this man’s coffee. And to make matters worse–he was naked as a jaybird. However, in the process of this melee, the bespectacled man’s venti triple-espresso latte wlo foam was knocked over. Too bad!

What was worse? Standing nude in a Bay Hill bathroom, with pictures of Arnie staring at you, holding a straight razor at your gonads or knocking over your fresh Starbuck’s brew? How had this come to be? I think we all knew 73-92 after 2 rounds was pretty bizarre, but what caused Snoot’s meltdown? Could it have been caused when a whole tub of cold water cascaded onto Snoot’s lap the night before at Antonio’s Ristorante and seeing his dinner-mate Kapalua, minutes later wince, as the sleek blackhaired waiter (AKA the Slasher) almost knocked out his teeth out with cheap Chinese dinnerware?

As a ruffled and forlorn Snoot sat up, surrounded by his pals, he silently cursed his situation. “You know, I’ve been haunted by my collapse at the Michigan WDI for the past 4months——daily nightmares of Duke making his birdie putt on 18 and then laughing hysterically at me; the Tour players whispering behind my back when I enter the locker room; sponsors avoiding me like the plague and my dog licking his balls whenever I go to the bathroom.” Then he shook his head and placed it gently into the palm of his hands.

Who says the WDI has no drama! The list of golfers who vie to qualify on the WDI Tour is growing. For instance, Keith” The Kid” Hiatt, a past WDI Finalist in Ireland in ‘08 and the first alternate, was knocking around at Orange County on Thursday prior to the first tee-time, hoping one of the schmoes, like Denise or Neck would drop out. The large-headed man, Briggsey, was in a semi-vegetative state, sitting by his cell-phone in the PC Men’s Grill, also hoping to get that call from Commissioner Kapalua, exempting him from qualifying so that he could enter the tourney. But, there was no room in the manger, so to speak. “We would love to give our Tour more profile on TV, but we have to draw the line somewhere. Who wants to watch a large potato head bobble up and down the fairways for 18 holes. No one, I guess, except Mrs. Potato Head,” explained the perplexed Commish.

But alas, everyone showed up for the first tee-time…..well, almost everyone. Mudman was lost in a large sinkhole on I-4 and had to be extracted from it by a group of school kids. And Snoot was waiting in line at a Starbuck’s for his 14th cup of Java for the day and simply lost track of time.

What a FIRST day it turned out to be. 99-1 shot Mudman, after finally arriving at Crooked Cat, shot a sparkling 75 and +6 quota points.1000-1 shot Blather Neck, playing like Tom Watson at last year’s British Open, surprised his critics, especially Jimmy the Geek, by opening with a superb 81 and a +6 also. Duke, everyone’s favorite to WIN 3 consecutive WDls for the first time in history shot 76 and a +1. And then Bay Hill, for rounds 2 and 3, reared it’s ugly head and the scores went tumbling. Perennial fan favorite, Kapalua, and leading money winner in ‘09, shot 82–84–93 and was a GONER. Last year’s champ, the Menace, wasn’t menacing anymore as the tough Bay Hill course ate his lunch. (Which pissed off Dennis because he had already paid for it ) Duke–Boynie–Lil Petey–Broneck–Galen all floundered as well, as they fell victim to Arnie’s Creation. (of course it could also have been the 14 bottles of wine for the first 2 nites, cigars and whiskey).

At the conclusion of round 3 at Bay Hill, as the players were converging on the practice green for their “nighttime putting contest”, out of the blue, a resurgent Snooter shows up. (he had been hibernating in his room after day 2, surrounded by his shrink, Dr. James Edgar; his pastor, the good Father Molester and 3 ‘nice’ girls from Club Cheetah in Orlando).

With a huge, WAT DA BE and the pals converging, chest-bumping and high fiving all-around—Snoot blurted out he was “caffeine free” for the past 20 minutes and ready to compete. “I am not going to fold like the Snooter of old or like Kapalua in Palm Springs in ‘95 or like the ‘67 Mets”, he blurted out. So with all his baggage floating around his brain, the Snoot heads out, not only, to battle his closest competitors—Joebob, Fish and Mudman, but also the brisk 40 mph winds at tough Panther Lake.

Joebob, vying to become the”Comeback Player of the Year” PLAYED HIS GUTS OUT TO SHOOT 81. The Fish, flopping around like a giant Peruvian sea bass and 1000-1 Blather Neck had remarkable days to end up tied for 3rd. What about Snoot? Goodbye demons–goodbye Edgar–goodbye Fr. Molester–HELLO CHEETAH GIRLS!!!!! He shoots 82 to win by 7 over a hard-charging Joebob. What a finish!!!!!!!!!!

Rick Reilly

FINAL SCORES

1          SNOOT          +4        73-92-82-82

2          JOEBOB        -3         87-89-87-81

3          NECK             -5         81-95-92-81

3          FISH               -5         93-86-93-90

5          MUDMAN      -7         75-87-84-81

6          BOYNIE          -10      90-94-90-90

7          KAPALUA     -11      82-84-93-88

7          PETE              -11      84-84-85-84

9          DENISE         -14      84-101-96-97

10        DUKE             -15      76-84-79-82

11        BRONECK    -18      83-85-89-84

12        GALEN           -19      90-98-97-93

TWO MAN TEAMS

NECK AND SNOOT             -1

JOEBOB AND MUDMAN    -13

KAPALUAAND FISH           -16

PETE AND BOYNIE             -21

DUKE AND DENISE            -29

BRONECK AND GALEN    -37

THE DUKE OF ERIC (2-1)

Gotta give the big guy the edge, has won last 2 WDls in Alabama and Michigan in ‘09; the last one on the last hole with a birdie. Only issue is emotional instability—can he “beat-off” his personal demons to win an unprecedented 3rd consecutive. Never been done before. Thinks Frank Nobilo is his hero. Nobilo, on the other hand hates him.

SNOOTDOG (3-1)

Tied with Duke for 1st place honors in Alabama in ‘09 and continued his hot streak by leading Michigan WDI last Sept. for 179 holes, until hole 180 (we all know what happened). Of course, some say (M. Mudano) having his handicap increase to 10 certainly has helped. Strength training and yoga seems to have paid off in ‘09—-lost weight, only drinks 4 Jessies a day. Plans to sabotage roomie/competitor, Duke, by deliberately forgetting his sleep apparatus. The sun could shine on the Snootdog’s ass on Sunday if his plans go w/o a hitch.

DENISE aka THE MENACE (4-1)

You can’t count out The Menace after last year’s SURPRISE win. Already gesturing via e-mail that’s he’s the man to beat (I would too, if I had 18 pops). Barely lost WDI Golfer of the Year Award to the Duke by 759 votes (out of 760). If you think you’ve figured out a way to beat him by stealing his 7-iron think again—-in his bag he has a 23 yr. old wooden driver, a 22 yr. old 5 wood and eight (8) 7-irons. Finished 9th in ‘08 with scores of 98, 95, 104 and 93. Won in ‘09 with scores of 88, 84, 90 and 97. So which Denise will show up– the one with the fat ass and smelly crotch OR the one with the shaved pussy and big tits? Tune in.

BOYNIE (5-1)

Last year finished in a tie w/Kapalua and has followed that up with a strong December at PC. A former champ who fell on hard times (and hard golf carts) wants to prove he’s no 1-win wonder (although we know he is). Only problem–his handicap has dropped to a respectable 15, which means he has NO chance at all. But, even Boynie can beat Mudano.

KAPALUA (6-1)

Who can count out the good-looking Sicilian/Puerto Rican/Hawaiian? Not me. Finished 3rd at Bay Hill in ‘08 as an 11, 2nd in ‘09 as a 10. Ok, ok, ok—when he last won at Pinehurst in ‘07, he was a 14. At that time, rumors of his assassination (look at ‘07 Reilly article re: brown recluse spider bite) were rife. Playing to a 10 now probably has decreased his chances of winning (look at all the sandbaggers on WDI tour) but has increased his chances of staying alive. If he gets “en fuego”—Iook out!!!!!

JOEBOB (7-1)

The well-used mantra…..”The best player not to have won a major” has to go to Joebob, after his sterling hole-in-one @ PC last week on #13 (used a 7-iron for his 181 yd. ace) Was wheeling with Kapalua and still lost $$$$ to Agliano. However, didn’t play well at last WDI in Mich./Oakland Hills. Said he felt “drugged”. Could his roomie have laced his ‘hummer’ with a date rape drug? Played well at Bay Hill in ‘08, when he played in final foursome. His time could come!

LIL PETEY (8-1)

Was a contender in ‘08, when he finished 2nd to a Hot and Hot Fish by 7 points. And he was voted by WDI peers as “The Best Club Thrower of the Decade 2000-2010. What an honor. But, if he has to play even 1 round with Agliano, he probably will be dead meat. Spiked blood pressure a reality. Let’s say Lil Peter will make a “run”, but in the end he will falter and become Saltpeter.

FISH (9-1)

The Floundering Flounder last won at Bay Hill in ‘08 and followed it up with a win at hallowed Southern Hills in Tulsa by 1 point over a disappointed Snooter later that summer. Since then, he fell apart like a cheap suit at Wal-Mart. Has gone from a 13 to a 16 handicap; but he gets hot—it’s going to be a fish-fry for the big sea-bass.

BRONECK (10-1)

How would you feel to be ‘big brother’ to the Blather Neck all these years? Some call it guilt by association. Has been called “too soft” by his critics (Carl and Cathy Critic) for coddling his ‘little brother’. Feels he could have won numerous WDI titles over the years, instead of ONLY one at Bay Hill in ‘05 (actually it was a tie with the sweet-swingin Kapalua) if he had a different roomie. But, alas, life throws us detours. Broken driver in Mich. cost him last year—-but if he loses in Orlando, it could be a broken heart.

GALEN (11-1)

The Whaler comes into 2010 tourney sharp after missing ‘09 WOI due to eye strain—Iooking at too many bushy pusswahs. Letting his partner Von Thron take over a major share of bushy pusswahs has Galen singing a different tune. But, can he flash the brilliance he displayed in ‘08, when he played in final foursome only to fade. Red-faced after his poor showing at Bay Hill in ‘08, he has vowed to throw a wrench in the field. Could he be a dark horse or just a red-faced horse?

MUDMAN (100-1)

You’re absolutely right Mudman–you’re chopped liver with a 7 handicap with these bums. While I can’t repeat in print what the WDI boys have privately said about you, the Media says the only chance you got is NO CHANCE. Rumors from Italy, especially Palermo aren’t good either. Highest finish in Orlando was in ‘08–seventh; slipped to (yikes) 9th in ‘09, even with respectable scores of 83, 83, 87 and 85. Not rooming with Kapalua could be a plus, but oh, oh—–he’s shacking up with Denise. TOAST!

NECK (1000-1)

You know some things NEVER change and that means Mike” Longshot” Nectarine is destined for another paltry WDI showing. Traveling has worn out this short, stout Kraut to the point where he “is a shell of a man.” He’s got nothing left in his tank, but guts and determination. But guts and determination don’t win WDI majors. So, gents, let’s just cater outwardly to his vanities, while we all know in our ‘heart of hearts’ that he’s all washed up. Maybe someone should buy him a ‘nice’ martini. Last win was in ‘97, not 1897. But, if the stars align and luck prevails……no forget it.

An anxious, but anal retentive James A McNulty was relaxing on a brown leather Coventry couch, puffing on a good Arturo Fuente No. 2, facing the 1st hole at Forest Dunes from his luxurious 6 bedroom villa and sipping a double shot, no foam grande latte. And smiling. Smiling, because he still maintained a 4 point lead after 4 tough rounds @ Oakland Hills, Arcadia Bluffs and Crystal Downs. Today was the final round of the 2009 Mich. WDI at Forest Dunes in Roscommon. And to boot, his chief competitors, according to him, were a ‘bunch’ of fucking puds. But these ‘puds’ weren’t ordinary puds, they were ex-WDI champ puds.

He was 6 points ahead of that Krafty Kapalua, 2006 Mich. WDI Champ. The good-looking Hawaiian-Puerto Rican trick shot artist had experienced a roller-coaster week, playing well at Oakland Hills and shooting 37 on the front side at Crystal Downs. But personal demons, sore shoulder, bad abdomen, sore crotch etc. got the best of him. However, he was still lurking in 4th place, ready to spring like a wolverine. Snooter was 3 points ahead of the aging Neck, (‘58 Babe Zaharias Champ) who like a Tom Watson wannabe, suddenly found his game laddie. His play that week was vintage Neck back in the day. But getting up at 3 am daily, walking the course, doing calisthenics and hitting 2,000 practice balls had finally sapped his strength. Only one competitive pud was left–the Duke of Eric (Rahenkamp) (2009 Alabama WDI Champ).

Snoot smiled again.”I can beat that Frank Nobilo-Iook alike with my eyes closed. I got 4 handicap points on that tall drink of water, before we even tee off. And I’m 4 points up on him right now. Plus, when I played with the bearded wonder yesterday, he was slicing and dicing on his way to a 77.” In his best spanish-dialect he learned so many years ago at Jesuit High in Tampa–Snoot whispered to himself “No problema” and smirked. And “find a shaver, deuchebag.”

Snoot would not smile or smirk again—that day.

Before we proceed with the cataclysmic conclusion, what happened to the other 4 contenders/pretenders? Well, in order–JoeBob, under a haze of Ambien and booze, couldn’t get out of the box at Oakland Hills and Arcadia Bluffs. The pre-tournament favorite at 2-1 by Jimmy the Geek had been “en fuego” all summer, carving up Palma Ceia like a Thanksgiving turkey, and taking the ‘boys’ money on Sun. morning. His 98-92 start was the end of the Italian Scallion.

The Galloping Grouper, Fish, had an ok start, shooting 88, 89 at Oakland and Arcadia and climbing up the leaderboard to tie for 3rd, but shot 96 at Crystal and plummeted to the bottom of the ‘sea’, faster than his cousin, Charlie the Tuna. Boynie, meanwhile had started out as a 16 handicap, but w/out his personal companion and cheerleader, Morrie went downhill fast with 95-90-97and was old news. One redeeming item was that on the final day, Boynie had managed to climb up to a 22 handicap, shot 93 and won a ton of money. What is Jewish for ‘sandbagger’? Finally, Broneck. After a sterling opening round 80 at Oakland, he broke his driver which broke his heart which broke his spirit and he limped in last.

Now back to the exciting conclusion. Saturday in Michigan dawned with fog rolling in like little cat’s paws over the 6900 yd course. Even though no one could have predicted it, the final round collapse of Snoot-Doggy-Dog rivals some of the biggest collapses in sports history (Arnie losing to Billy Casper at Olympic in ‘65, after being up 7 with 9 to play; the Red Sox losing the pennant to their dreaded rivals, the Yankees, in a 1 day playoff game after leading the division by 10 games with 2 weeks to play; or, FSU tying Florida 31-31 in ‘96 after being down 31-0.)

As Snoot glared down the first fairway, with his heart pounding like a drugged up

whore, all he thought was “Don’t duckhook it into the trees.” Which is exactly what he did. The Duke of Eric smelling ‘blood in the water’ struck his tee shot 250 down the middle, hit a short iron to a undulating green and made birdie to Snoot’s bogey. The game was on. By the end of 9, Kapalua and Neck were playing like the schmoes Snoot thought they were. Duke’s play had suddenly turned mediocre and Snoot led Duke by only 2 points. Snoot said to this reporter, “I felt uncomfortable to start the round, probably due to dinner last nite. I think the 5 double vodkas (aka Jessies) and 6 bottles of Silver Oak cab unsettled my stomach–but I still played my ass off, because I am the Snoot-Doggy Dog.”

Kapalua, meanwhile, had found his form and birdied 10 and 14 to mount a late challenge while Little Clam Neck had also been playing more bettterer and made 4 consecutive pars. But, for these puds, it was too little too late. After parring 15, 16 and 17 to match the Duke’s pars, Snoot stepped up to the 18th tee holding a tenuous 2-pt. lead. Although, he didn’t know it. Actually, no one knew except the Duke. You see, he bribed the scorecard carrying blonde and sent her on her way smiling, with dollar bills seen stuck to her bra-strap–plus the electronic scoreboards weren’t operable either, after a wire had become disconnected. Hmmmmmmm.

Anyway, the 18th at Forest Dunes is a 521 yd. par 5, with a huge bunker left and

gorse right, which gently turns from right to left to a kidney-shaped green surrounded by water on 3 sides and a deep bunker in front. Which is where Snooter found his 3rd shot. Duke’s gap wedge hit the green and left him an uphill 19 ft. putt for birdie. Shouts of WHAT DAT WA were drowned out by gasps from the teenage groupies, as Duke Nobilo calmly sank his putt while Snoot double-bogeyed. Snoot had led the WDI for 89 holes–Duke led on the 90th.

New Zealand’s own Duke Nobilo had just won consecutive WDIs. Surrounded by the hounding press, gorgeous semi-clad groupies and his lawyer who was trying to hammer out Duke’s prenup, Duke retreated to his villa for post-game interviews. In the scorecard tent, there were 2 Snoots. He was beside himself. Distraught, he tried to plunge his scoring pencil deep into his veins. But, alas, there was no more lead in that pencil, so to speak. Actually when all is said and done, it was a gallant fight—one for the ages. (Look at ‘95 WDI Palm Springs, also decided on last hole–Harlan vs. Kapalua).

In the end, even though some members of the press along with some WDI vets unfairly castigated me and my work as heavily biased and slanted toward certain special golfers, I take exception to those remarks and notwithstanding the play by

Little Clam Neck, I stand by my pre-tournament odds. Hey, even a blind squirrel usually can find an acorn.

See you next year on the WDI 2010 Tour.

Golfingly yours,

Rick Reilly

FINAL SCORES

1          Duke               -8         75-81-82-77-80

2          Snoot              -10      81-79-87-87-88

3          Neck               -11      87-86-83-89-90

4          Kapalua          -13      84-89-84-86-89

5          Boynie            -17      95-90-97-96-93

6          Fish                 -20      88-89-96-93-101

7          Joebob           -28      98-92-94-90-94

8          Broneck          -29      80-91-86-87-84

TWO-MAN TEAM

1          Duke and Neck                     -19

2          Snoot and Boynie                 -31

3          Kapalua and Joebob            -42

4          Fish and Broneck                  -46