An anxious, but anal retentive James A McNulty was relaxing on a brown leather Coventry couch, puffing on a good Arturo Fuente No. 2, facing the 1st hole at Forest Dunes from his luxurious 6 bedroom villa and sipping a double shot, no foam grande latte. And smiling. Smiling, because he still maintained a 4 point lead after 4 tough rounds @ Oakland Hills, Arcadia Bluffs and Crystal Downs. Today was the final round of the 2009 Mich. WDI at Forest Dunes in Roscommon. And to boot, his chief competitors, according to him, were a ‘bunch’ of fucking puds. But these ‘puds’ weren’t ordinary puds, they were ex-WDI champ puds.
He was 6 points ahead of that Krafty Kapalua, 2006 Mich. WDI Champ. The good-looking Hawaiian-Puerto Rican trick shot artist had experienced a roller-coaster week, playing well at Oakland Hills and shooting 37 on the front side at Crystal Downs. But personal demons, sore shoulder, bad abdomen, sore crotch etc. got the best of him. However, he was still lurking in 4th place, ready to spring like a wolverine. Snooter was 3 points ahead of the aging Neck, (‘58 Babe Zaharias Champ) who like a Tom Watson wannabe, suddenly found his game laddie. His play that week was vintage Neck back in the day. But getting up at 3 am daily, walking the course, doing calisthenics and hitting 2,000 practice balls had finally sapped his strength. Only one competitive pud was left–the Duke of Eric (Rahenkamp) (2009 Alabama WDI Champ).
Snoot smiled again.”I can beat that Frank Nobilo-Iook alike with my eyes closed. I got 4 handicap points on that tall drink of water, before we even tee off. And I’m 4 points up on him right now. Plus, when I played with the bearded wonder yesterday, he was slicing and dicing on his way to a 77.” In his best spanish-dialect he learned so many years ago at Jesuit High in Tampa–Snoot whispered to himself “No problema” and smirked. And “find a shaver, deuchebag.”
Snoot would not smile or smirk again—that day.
Before we proceed with the cataclysmic conclusion, what happened to the other 4 contenders/pretenders? Well, in order–JoeBob, under a haze of Ambien and booze, couldn’t get out of the box at Oakland Hills and Arcadia Bluffs. The pre-tournament favorite at 2-1 by Jimmy the Geek had been “en fuego” all summer, carving up Palma Ceia like a Thanksgiving turkey, and taking the ‘boys’ money on Sun. morning. His 98-92 start was the end of the Italian Scallion.
The Galloping Grouper, Fish, had an ok start, shooting 88, 89 at Oakland and Arcadia and climbing up the leaderboard to tie for 3rd, but shot 96 at Crystal and plummeted to the bottom of the ‘sea’, faster than his cousin, Charlie the Tuna. Boynie, meanwhile had started out as a 16 handicap, but w/out his personal companion and cheerleader, Morrie went downhill fast with 95-90-97and was old news. One redeeming item was that on the final day, Boynie had managed to climb up to a 22 handicap, shot 93 and won a ton of money. What is Jewish for ‘sandbagger’? Finally, Broneck. After a sterling opening round 80 at Oakland, he broke his driver which broke his heart which broke his spirit and he limped in last.
Now back to the exciting conclusion. Saturday in Michigan dawned with fog rolling in like little cat’s paws over the 6900 yd course. Even though no one could have predicted it, the final round collapse of Snoot-Doggy-Dog rivals some of the biggest collapses in sports history (Arnie losing to Billy Casper at Olympic in ‘65, after being up 7 with 9 to play; the Red Sox losing the pennant to their dreaded rivals, the Yankees, in a 1 day playoff game after leading the division by 10 games with 2 weeks to play; or, FSU tying Florida 31-31 in ‘96 after being down 31-0.)
As Snoot glared down the first fairway, with his heart pounding like a drugged up
whore, all he thought was “Don’t duckhook it into the trees.” Which is exactly what he did. The Duke of Eric smelling ‘blood in the water’ struck his tee shot 250 down the middle, hit a short iron to a undulating green and made birdie to Snoot’s bogey. The game was on. By the end of 9, Kapalua and Neck were playing like the schmoes Snoot thought they were. Duke’s play had suddenly turned mediocre and Snoot led Duke by only 2 points. Snoot said to this reporter, “I felt uncomfortable to start the round, probably due to dinner last nite. I think the 5 double vodkas (aka Jessies) and 6 bottles of Silver Oak cab unsettled my stomach–but I still played my ass off, because I am the Snoot-Doggy Dog.”
Kapalua, meanwhile, had found his form and birdied 10 and 14 to mount a late challenge while Little Clam Neck had also been playing more bettterer and made 4 consecutive pars. But, for these puds, it was too little too late. After parring 15, 16 and 17 to match the Duke’s pars, Snoot stepped up to the 18th tee holding a tenuous 2-pt. lead. Although, he didn’t know it. Actually, no one knew except the Duke. You see, he bribed the scorecard carrying blonde and sent her on her way smiling, with dollar bills seen stuck to her bra-strap–plus the electronic scoreboards weren’t operable either, after a wire had become disconnected. Hmmmmmmm.
Anyway, the 18th at Forest Dunes is a 521 yd. par 5, with a huge bunker left and
gorse right, which gently turns from right to left to a kidney-shaped green surrounded by water on 3 sides and a deep bunker in front. Which is where Snooter found his 3rd shot. Duke’s gap wedge hit the green and left him an uphill 19 ft. putt for birdie. Shouts of WHAT DAT WA were drowned out by gasps from the teenage groupies, as Duke Nobilo calmly sank his putt while Snoot double-bogeyed. Snoot had led the WDI for 89 holes–Duke led on the 90th.
New Zealand’s own Duke Nobilo had just won consecutive WDIs. Surrounded by the hounding press, gorgeous semi-clad groupies and his lawyer who was trying to hammer out Duke’s prenup, Duke retreated to his villa for post-game interviews. In the scorecard tent, there were 2 Snoots. He was beside himself. Distraught, he tried to plunge his scoring pencil deep into his veins. But, alas, there was no more lead in that pencil, so to speak. Actually when all is said and done, it was a gallant fight—one for the ages. (Look at ‘95 WDI Palm Springs, also decided on last hole–Harlan vs. Kapalua).
In the end, even though some members of the press along with some WDI vets unfairly castigated me and my work as heavily biased and slanted toward certain special golfers, I take exception to those remarks and notwithstanding the play by
Little Clam Neck, I stand by my pre-tournament odds. Hey, even a blind squirrel usually can find an acorn.
See you next year on the WDI 2010 Tour.
Golfingly yours,
Rick Reilly
FINAL SCORES
1 Duke -8 75-81-82-77-80
2 Snoot -10 81-79-87-87-88
3 Neck -11 87-86-83-89-90
4 Kapalua -13 84-89-84-86-89
5 Boynie -17 95-90-97-96-93
6 Fish -20 88-89-96-93-101
7 Joebob -28 98-92-94-90-94
8 Broneck -29 80-91-86-87-84
TWO-MAN TEAM
1 Duke and Neck -19
2 Snoot and Boynie -31
3 Kapalua and Joebob -42
4 Fish and Broneck -46