On September 13th through the 20th, the windswept courses of Northwest Ireland will be host to the WDI’s last major of the 2008 season. In anticipation of this European event, reporters, media, and fans are preparing to flock to the Emerald Isle to try to catch a glimpse of their favorite WDI golfer.
But, alas, the make-up of this year’s participants is going to be a lot different in September of ’08 due to the infusion of talented rookies and the excretion (so to speak) of several vets.
First of all, there will be no Fish Slam this year, as the floundering flounder has been DQ’d for this event due to handicap irregularities, a lack of euros, and burn-out syndrome. As of September 12th, he will be stripped of his “maestro” moniker he has used since Tulsa in May and will revert back to simply, the “Smelly Pescado.”
The Neck Brothers, Little Clam and Stiff Neck, failed to sign their scorecard in English (they signed them in German) after their last tournament in Stuttgurt, Germany in July and were not only DQ’d for this Ireland trip but investigated for their ties to great uncle Adolf Von Nuechterlein, currently running from authorities for his role at Stalag 17.
“Boynie” Stein, winner at Torrey Pines in August of ’07, has fallen harder than a lead balloon since then and was last seen in counseling at the home of Dr. James E. Hoover, noted golf shrink. He had to WD.
So that leaves a field of 10 players who are handicapped below by that “greasy,” fat-assed, foulbreath, infamous handicapper, Jimmy the Geek. See you in Doonbeg.
(As far as the other invites who couldn’t make it, the Rocket, running for judge; Shea, too wishy washy; Hodge, doesn’t travel well; Mudano, wanted to go to Sicily, Brooks, wasn’t invited; Galen, wants to work a little harder in ’08, Prez Kap, couldn’t get past security machines due to a new hip and knees, Lebster, couldn’t find his cell number; Duffy, afraid to go – was born in Southern Ireland; and Agliano, costs too many euros.)
ROOKIES
Mike Briggs aka Briggsey, Bubble Head or Cabeza Melon (Melon Head) (5-1)
Sweet singing low handicapping rookie and underachieving brother of Jack. Wants to showcase his golf swing for the Irish. Could be a contender if he stays healthy/sober. Can’t wear a cap due to unusual size of head. When someone says he’s got a big head, it’s not because he’s arrogant, it’s because he’s got a big, fucking head. Could be a contender.
Keith “The Kid” Hiatt (6-1)
A champion of his own on the AVT tour, although, he’s been known to take a spill or two. The youngest of the group at age 18, fresh off his best year at Auburn Golf where he lead his college team to 110th in the NCAA tourney (The Blind Ladies of Holy Name were 109th). A promising rookie who hasn’t been tested on the WDI tour. After a few brews, critics say his game could go south (GO GATORS)
Jack “Humpty” Briggs (8-1)
Older and better looking twin brother of Mikey by 16 seconds (or was it 16 months? Whatever!) Has all the favorable characteristics that Mike doesn’t have, charisma, personality, good looks, better swing, longer schlong, et cetera. Having his 49th birthday during the tourney may fire him up to victory.
Jeff “Wildman” Wilde (99-1)
A legend in his own mind. Golf swing is somewhat unusual. It resembles a man
trying to kill a snake in a phone booth. When he first started taking golf lessons, his instructor reassured him and said “you have a brighter future chopping cane.” A driver in Wildman’s hand might produce five of his most consistent shots: a monster slice, a wounded jack rabbit, a worm burner, a pop fly, and a snap hook. A real dark horse who keeps naked pictures of Jim Furyk in his closet.
Jerry “Jer” Newman aka “Oldman” (100-1)
Possibly the oldest and tallest member of the group (7’3″). At 85, surprisingly spry – can still hit drives 160, 163 – but not straight. Will bring a lot to the table – a large appetite. Don’t count him out, count him dead meat.
VETERANS
Steve “Hide & Seek” Hyden (7-1)
Coming off a promising second place showing at the WDI tourney at Torrey Pines in September of ’07, Hyden Seek found his game hiding (where else) in the back of his mind. Maybe that’s why he doesn’t say much. A Tampa Palms low handicapper who loves Irish courses, Irish Whiskey, and Latin ladies. He is mild and good natured; his game is as patient as a bomb diffuser. Could go far in this tourney.
George “Kapalua” Cappy aka Capizzi (9-1)
Although he is a 4-time WDI Champ (and recently voted best-looking WDI player in ’08 by the girls at Mons Venus), he has been shut out on the Euro-Circuit. Plans to change that on the windy Northwest Irish Coast in September. It appears that, after revamping and retooling his swing this past summer, this sweet-swinging, Puerto Rican, Hawaiian who lives in Sicily (in the offseason)
is ready to compete. His new motto for Ireland is “Capizzi Competes.” Watch out, if he is near or in the lead. Has a stare (a la Ray Floyd) that would make a suicide bomber wet himself (or herself; to be proper in this day and age) Is a contender, not a pretender.
Jim “Snooter” McNulty aka Snoot Dog (10-1)
Recently has been more of a golf promoter than golfer (see Father-Son Cherokee Golf tourney ’08) and his play shows. However, at May’s WDI at Southern Hills in Tulsa, was the leader going into last round, but pulled a Greg Norman. Too many pre-game interviews by the Golf Channel and one too many bloodies may have buoyed his spirits; but after limping home with a final round 83, found out he placed 2nd by one shot. Snoot’s expression was that of a cardiologist staring at a flat line EKG. But with a few Irish toddies, he’ll be ready to bounce back and bounce back big. Could be a contender.
Bob “Joe Bob” Pesce (15-1)
Playing in 5th straight WDI tourney however, hasn’t made the cut in the past four. Probably due to dietary problems. Has to eat Sicilian food three times a day. Can’t get enough of it. Problem is, the WDI is in Ireland where they don’t even have any Italians much less Italian food. Although his handicap has fluttered up and down like a runaway kite, he is playing serious golf as of late. Placed 3rd at Southern Hills in Tulsa. Could be a contender, were not for his roommate’s snoring.
Stevie “Bolster” Bolter aka “The Bolt” (75-1)
It appears The Bolt is back fully cocked and reloaded (so to speak). The two-time Euro Champ (’99 and ’01), however, has played more like a Euro Chump lately. After a long layoff from the WDI tour, does he have the “chutzpah” for one more trophy? Some say he is a shell of a man, that his best days are behind him. Will try to quiet his critics with his innate knowledge of Irish golf. Knows Irish fescue, wind, and rain like the back of his penis. Last seen at CVS Pharmacy in Palm Coast purchasing a large tube of KY Jelly. Watch out, Wilde.
So there you have it, a rundown of the contestants for the final major of the year – Northwest Ireland ’08. As you can see, there is an infusion of new blood with five golfers with single-digit handicaps to go along with the rest of the pud-like handicaps of the WDI. A report will be made shortly by our anchors at the BBC and ESPN, including a Steve Melnick lookalike, and Tricky Nicky Faldo. This event will be televised between 1:00 a.m. and 3:00 a.m. EST on Sunday through Friday. We apologize for any inconvenience because of the unusual time, but we have to compete with The Raising Daisy and Wild Flower Show and The How Much Beer Can an Irishman Drink in 10 Minutes Show which take the predominant weeknight time slots in Ireland.
See you at Doonbeg, laddies.
Rick Reilly