WICK WILEY: HOW NERVOUS WERE YOU PUTTING DOWNHILL ON NO. 12 WITH THE PIN IN FRONT?

KAPALUA: ( LAUGHING ) NERVOUS AS A WHORE IN CHURCH, WICK.

WW:  84, 82, 81 CHAMPIONSHIP FLIGHT…3RD PLACE. IMPRESSIVE!  IS THAT THE BEST YOU’VE PLAYED IN A GASPARILLA TOURNAMENT?

KAP: YES, WICK IT IS. I THINK THE PRESSURE ( NOT CAROL PRESSURE, AN OLD COLLEGE FLAME ) IS OFF ME, SO TO SPEAK. PLUS, I’VE BEEN HITTING THE BALL MORE BETTERER IN RECENT WDI TOURNEYS.

WW: WHY DIDN’T THE REST OF THE WDI TOUR PLAYERS PARTICIPATE IN GASPARILLA , KAP?

KAP: WELL ONE BIG REASON, IS THAT THEY ARE A BUNCH OF SCHMOOS. DUKE, JUST GOT BACK FROM A WEEK OF ALCOHOL IMBIBING AND DEBAUCHERY IN DAYTONA…HE WAS OUT OF IT. SNOOT DOGGY-DOG WAS IN ATLANTA WTH DORA LOOKING FOR JIM’S KNOBS OR SOME KIND OF KNOBS FOR HIS NEW TOWNHOME; JOEBOB’S STILL ON IR; NECK DIDN’T PASS HIS PHYSICAL; FISH, BOYNIE AND BRONECK DIDNT’ QUALIFY.

WW: WHAT ABOUT BRIGGS?

KAP: OH, THE LARGE-HEADED MAN FINISHED HIS FIRST TWO ROUNDS WITH SCORES OF 81, 78…BUT AFTER TRYING TO FISH HIS BALL OUT OF THE LAKE ON NO. 13, THE WEIGHT OF HIS HEAD WHILE LEANING OVER CAUSED HIM TO FALL OVER INTO THE LAKE AND HE DROWNED.

WW: BUMMER…DID THEY RECOVER HIS BODY.

KAP: NO, JUST HIS HEAD. WHEN THEY FISHED IT OUT, THE WATER LEVEL WENT DOWN 10 FEET.

WW: WOW, WOULD HAVE LOVED TO BEEN THERE.   KAP, HAS THE WDI TOUR BEEN GIVEN A SHOT OF CREDIBILITY AFTER ARNOLD PALMER ENDORSED IT A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO AT BAY HILL?

KAP: ( FROWNING ) DOES A BEAR SHIT IN THE WOODS, WICK? OF COURSE IT HAS…WHAT ARE YOU A MORON?

WW: NOT REALLY, ALTHOUGH SOME PEOPLE HAVE CALLED ME THAT.( BECOMES RED-FACED )

KAP: ARNIE’S THE KING. ANYTHING HE TOUCHES WILL TURN TO GOLD.

WW: HOW DO YOU THINK YOU’RE GOING TO FARE  AT SHOAL CREEK, ALABAMA IN MAY? ( SITE OF 36TH WDI TOURNEY )

KAP: I THINK I’M THE ODDS ON FAVORITE WICK. WHO’S GOING TO BEAT ME: 2 GUYS WITH BAD SHOULDERS…THE BIG MOMMALUKE…THE SMELLY PESCADO..MR. SHANKSALOT..THE AGING NECK OR SNOOT DOGGY DOG?

WW: IF I SAY JORGE KAPALUA TO SOMEBODY, WHAT’S THE FIRST THING THEY THINK OF?

KAP: GOOD-LOOKING, SWEET SWINGING TRICK SHOT ARTIST WHO LIVES IN SICILY IN THE OFF SEASON.

WW: SO, WHO ARE YOU REALLY?

KAP: GO FUCK YOURSELF WICK. WHAT A STUPID QUESTION. ( GETS UP AND LEAVES )

WW: THANKS FOR YOUR TIME……………..

NOTE: THIS INTERVIEW WAS PATTERNED AFTER DAN PATRICK’S JUST MY TYPE COLUMN IN EVERY SPORTS ILLUSTRATED MAGAZINE. ALL ACCOUNTS OF PEOPLE AND PLACES ARE FIGMENTS OF WILEY’S VIVID IMAGINATION AND HE SHOULD NOT BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE.