“Get outta here you asshole and take your old ‘codger’ buddy with you!” yelled the Steeler-clad bartender with a cute ponytail. “Screw you!” hollered the Duke. “And I hope your shitty team loses Sunday!” (it did 17-14 to the Ravens) Marriott security hurried into the Steelhead Lounge at the City Center and quickly escorted the two inebriated WDlers out of the bar. “Can you believe that asshole?” exclaimed Duke. To which Snooter replied, “I can’t believe he called me an old fuck!!!” Hey Snoot, look in the friggin’ mirror!!!!!!!!!
And so, the 2010 Pittsburgh WDI began. Actually, it began earlier that day at hallowed Oakmont Country Club, some say is the hardest golf course in the world. Four of the WDI boys (only 4 were allowed) were there playing a practice round in preparation for the WDI tourney. Practice round at Oakmont? Are you fucking crazy? How about a final championship round at fabled Oakmont? And how bout those scores: Bernie 78, Kapalua and Snoot 79 and Duke..76. Oh, I forgot to tell you…..they ONLY played 16 holes.
A nasty Noreaster blew into Pittsburgh on Thursday morning and it was touch and go as to whether the course would be playable. But like Southern Hills in Tulsa, Oakmont drained remarkably fast and the boys got off at 4:15 on #12 and played til dark. Even if they all had bogeyed 10 and 11 (both par 4s) those still would have been respectable scores on the Monster.
Day 2 brought sunshine, cold temps in the 50s and the Fitzgerald boys (my cousins)—Kevin (Fitz) and his son Chris (Son of a Fitz) to Laurel Valley, a beautiful Palmer course about 11/2 hours south of Pittsburgh, right down the road from Latrobe, Pa and past site of the ‘65 PGA and ‘75 Ryder Cup. “This has to be one of the most beautiful courses in the world… I can’t wait to play it” said Snoot-Dog. BUT HOLD IT, maybe Snoot and Duke would be barred from playing ANY further golf. Yikes!!!!!!!!
Let’s back up. After the confrontation with the burly (but cute) Pittsburgh bartender, Commissioner Kapalua called an emergency meeting of the WDI Executive Committee to discuss sanctions, including possible suspension of Snoot and Duke for their “outlandish conduct”. One Executive Committee member who shall remain anonymous (a short, mustached German-looking gent) blurted out, “Their conduct is unfathomable…..they should be suspended, spanked and fined. It tarnishes the WDI Tour image…sort of gives us a black eye. Sig heil” When everything looked dark and dismal for Snoot and Duke after the 1st vote (1-1 with one abstention), the Commish walked back into the crowded conference room, drinking a ‘nice’ martini and wearing a new Oakmont golf shirt, compliments of Duke and Snoot and shouted ….” no suspension, they are allowed to compete.” Can you say graft, bribery and extortion? I thought you could.
So, at last the 43rd WDI Tourney commenced at Laurel Valley with only 7 golfers. (Joebob was on injured reserve) as Boynie’s future son-in-law, Goldeelocks (aka Andy Goldman) was delayed arriving from Chicago. He and Boynie’s beautiful daughter, Lauren were visiting Pittsburgh and introducing Goldeelocks to Boynie’s in-laws, the Fokkers (a cranky pair of 96 yr.olds) That nite back in Pittsburgh after a fabulous Italian meal, compliments of my cucinos at Alla Famiglia, and after 6 bottles of delicious Brunello di Montalcino…. a sullen and emotional Goldeelocks grabbed Bernie by his WDl lapel pin and pleaded, “Please, don’t make me go back there. Pleez Bernie, ah, Dad, ah Boynie/Dad etc” And all Bernie did was to look away into his ‘nice’ glass of Limoncello and laugh…a long, hard wicked laugh.
The whole crew left early Saturday morning and proceded to Firestone to finish the tournament. While Firestone is actually comprised of three courses, South, North and West, the South course is where most of the championship action has taken place. Firestone South has hosted the PGA Championship in 1960, 1966 and 1975 as well as, the American Golf Classic, CBS Golf Classic and the World Series of Golf since 1962 (they now host the Bridgestone Classic)
But what got the WDlers talking was the Clubhouse. It’s golf nirvana! Upstairs are suites surrounded by a large living area w/open bar, 24/7 and comfy leather chairs and at least 10 large screen TVs, showing every sports event in the US. So, in the end there were finally 2 foursomes made up of a Tampan from Chicago; 2 Pittsburghans from Chicago; a Chicagoan; a Tampan from Pittsburgh, a Tampan from Philly and finally Snoot, by way of Dublin. WTF???
The Duke played splendid golf in the 50 degree, chilly, wet weather all weekend… Kapalua made a charge, but came up short, as did Boynie; the Fish was out of water too long and fizzled out; the Fitz boys did well in their first WDI as did Goldeelocks but the Snoot, well what can you say, except…Wat Da Wa!!!!!
See you in 2011,
Rick Reilly
SCORES
OAKMONT (16 holes)
1 DUKE 76
2 BOYNIE 78
3 KAPALUA 79
3 SNOOT 79
LAUREL VALLEY
1 DUKE 80
2 KAPALUA 91
2 SNOOT 91
4 SON OF A FITZ 93
5 BOYNIE 94
6 FISH 98
7 FITZ 101
FIRESTONE SOUTH
1 DUKE 79
2 KAPALUA 82
3 GOLDEELOCKS (DQ’d) 90
4 FITZ 92
5 SON OF A FITZ 95
5 SNOOT 95
7 FISH 98
8 BOYNIE 99
FIRESTONE NORTH (9 holes)
1 DUKE 36
2 SNOOT 40
3 KAPALUA 42
4 BOYNIE 45
5 SON OF A FITZ 46
5 FISH 46
7 FITZ 47
8 GOLDEELOCKS (DQ’d) 48
FINAL SCORES
1 DUKE -4
2 KAPALUA -12
3 BOYNIE -15
4 SON OF A FITZ -17
5 SNOOT -18
5 FISH -18
7 FITZ -23
8 GOLDEELOCKS (DQ’d) DQ
Click here to go to the photo gallery: 2010 Oakmont, Laurel Valley, Firestone