JOEBOB SPANKS THE MONKEY ( SO TO SPEAK )
OFF HIS BACK AND CLAIMS 1ST WDI TITLE
AT BAYHILL/STREAMSONG
by Wick E. Wiley, Sports Editor ESPN
A solemn, but composed Jimmy the Geek, sat uncomfortably in his 3 piece, outdated, coffee-stained Armani suit in a large penthouse suite at Caesar’s Palace, sipping a gin gimlet, when his cell rang twice…he picked it up and a big shit-eating grin came over his face. Not only did he just win a ton of moola, but his 4-1 pick to win the 58th WDI, Joebobalooba just sprinted to the finish line a la Derby winner, American Pharoah. He was not only happy, but enthusiastically happy……since he also won plenty on the Merriweather fight, the night before, as well.
In what could be called the “Biggest Sports Weekend” of the Century…..the Fight, the Derby, the NFL draft and of course, the 58th WDI Tourney, it was indeed a thrilling weekend for sports fans everywhere. Actually, at Streamsong, throngs of teary-eyed, pre-teens…..globs of large, fat, ugly Mexican chicks…..and a bevy of silver-haired ladies were lining up outside the scorer’s tent, waiting for Joebob to emerge. Some wanted to touch him…some wanted to see him…some just wanted to throw their size XXL hash-browned stained panties at him.
Inside the scorer’s tent, Mr. Consistent sat relieved, spent and content. He was tired of the media saying he was “the best WDIer NOT to have won a title.” His handicap finished the same way it started, while everyone elses plummeted up and down like a balloon in the wind.
And it was windy starting out at Bay Hill. The famed Challenger course beat the hell out of 5 time Champ, the good-looking, sweet-swinging Puerto Rican-Hawaiian Kapalua (5-1 odds) on the 1st day ( 96….8 doubles and a triple for a -14 ) enough to render him “dead meat” and out of contention on DAY ONE. “It was a Weedful day for me,” responded a despondent Kapalua.. However, reminiscent of McIlroy at this year’s Masters, Kap fought hard, over the next 3 days for a combined net +3 ( 86..82..87), but he was down too far to mount a meaningful challenge. Cutter -21, Neck -9 and Fish -8 also had bad days that doomed their tourney. There was a brief suicide watch for both Kapalua and Cutter…..but after 3 Vodkas on the rocks and a lot of red wine….it was cancelled.
Actually, this Tourney could have been called the Substitute WDI……..Dennis the Menace couldn’t make it the 1st day due to a ‘supposed’ out of town meeting, but one bystander thought they saw him at Motel 6 in Orlando honing up his game and having a hot dog for dinner….while the WDI boys were spending hundreds at ritzy Christini’s. Kluz helped the boys spend less when he noticed the waiter had added ANOTHER 20% tip on top of the $1800 bill. Yes, he was caught and flogged.
Cutter couldn’t make it the last day so Brian Aggie played in his place……but the real mess occurred when the Cuban Pygmy had to cancel on the eve of the Toonamint, when no one else could take care of his ailing 98 yr-old Mom. The boys told him to take her with him and place her on top of his Aston Martin just like Chevy Chase in National Lampoon’s Vacation, but Chick demurred. Sooo, Johhnny Mac played on Friday…David Austin, Snoot’s pal and former PGA player( who shot 72 with 5 birds) played on Saturday and BMac (Snoot’s son.. Brian McNulty) played on Sunday. You had to have a sharp pencil with an eraser handy to keep track of the players. Luckily, Tampa was only 11/2 hours away!
But the biggest surprise of the Toonamint was the play of Kluzie ( a 2-time Champ) and Goldilocks on DAY 3 at STREAMSONG RED, where the tour moved to after 2 days at Bay Hill. It was indeed, MOVING DAY, as Kluz who was in 1st place after DAY 2 ( by only 1 shot ) shot 84 with 3 birdies to move farther ahead of the pack at +6 entering the last day. Goldy, also was hot as a firecracker and had a career best 82 and a +11 to move into a 2nd place tie with Joebob at -1…..7 shots behind the Kluzster. He should have been after defrosting from another frigid Chicago spring. Perhaps a insurmountable lead????? Was the tourney over??? NOT!!!
As for the rest of the puds/field…Boynie who had shot well enough the first 2 days and got as high as 3rd place, fell apart like a cheap suit at the Men’s Warehouse, since his implanted in-the-ass gyro wasn’t working, shot 97-94 and eventually ended up tied for 7th. The Fishman, who had lost 30 pounds of scales this year, in hopes of vying for the Trophy, started out 97-99…..then rallied from next to last place to end up in 5th. No wonder the caddies were heard saying…”it smelled like rank Fish out there.”
The Neck brothers, also vets and sometimes also-rans, started poorly at Bay Hill with scores in the 90’s and never recovered. Cutter’s ONLY ray of hope/accomplishment was sharing his wines and wine stories with the group at Ocean Prime and Soto Terra, the sparking new Italian ristorante at Streamsong, as he struggled with the wind/putter/irons/driver/gas/hangover etc, the first 2 days at Bay Hill. And as for perennial fav, Snoot Doggy Dog, he found his game on Thursday( to take the 1st round lead ), shooting 36 on the front nine at Bay Hill…lost his game the next day….found his game with an 80 at Streamsong Red on Saturday ….then lost it again on the final day at Streamsong Blue.
“I’m so frigging tired….tired of playing bad golf, not sleeping and way too many Jessies.” said Snoot. But the SOB ended up tied for 2nd with the Kluzster, who had fallen 13 points from 1st place in a shocking demise, reminiscent of Greg Norman at the Masters. At least there were NO documented Snootfalls reported. Perhaps the 2 burly security dudes who surrounded Snoot, wherever he went, prevented any accidents. There was a report, however, of a Ping-Pong match coming down the elevator….with Snoot being the ping pong ball………………….It was called Snootpong!
At dawn of the Final Round, Kluz awoken from what he thought was a terrible dream. ( no, it wasn’t a wet dream….a terrible dream.. you perverts ) In the dream Kluz falls apart like a pulled pork sangwich…but as he went to sleep after imbibing several bottles of great Eyetalian Brunello di Mantalcino, his mind drifted to 2013, when he and Joebob went mano y mano in the 1st Ryder Cup version of the WDI.. and he prevailed for the Blue Team…AND it was on the SAME frigging course he was to play in the morning. His confidence was soaring.
But alas, the dream came to fruition. Kluz never got his game going, swinging like a man trying to kill a snake in a phone booth…..shot 98 and immediately called 911. Joebob calmly looked at the medics assisting a worn out Kluz, smiled inwardly ( which is really hard to do ) and calmly knocked in a 15 footer for par to complete his 1st WDI win. Kluz went from leading at +6 to -7 and a tie for 2nd.
Joebob finally emerged from the scorer’s tent happy and relieved. ( like after a good bowel movement ) The surging crowd of 11-12 ( inc. his 3 kids and long-time bro-n-law Doug La Crosse, who coughed and could be heard saying, “it’s about frickin time” )) surrounded him (or maybe semi-surrounded him) and the Prez of Streamsong shoved a microphone into his mouth……………..
Prez….How do u feel Joebob after your 1st win? JB….Good
Prez….How did you play today? JB…Good
Prez….You really have a way with words, don’t you? JB…What?
Prez….Are you relieved you finally got that monkey off your back? JB..What monkey? ( He looks around)
Prez….It’s a figure of speech, you moron……. Fight ensues…..JB inadvertently strikes Chick Garcia, who was watching interview. ( or maybe it wasn’t inadvertent ) WDI trophy is snatched from Prez’s hands by Chick Garcia’s 98 year old mom, who at 4’1″ can’t be caught and runs off with it yelling, ” Cogno Chicky, I got it for you…now let’s have some picadillo.” ( maybe Chick did put her on top of his car?)
And that sports fans is how it ended……………………………….
See you in Pinehurst in August for the 2nd Ryder Cup themed WDI.
Golfingly yours,
Wick E. Wiley
PS…SS(Streamsong)Police arrive and intervene….cart Joebob off in a Paddy wagon (OBVIOUSLY THIS IS FICTION)
RESULTS
1. JOEBOB -2 88–90–89–90
T2. SNOOT -7 81–89–81–88
T2. KLUZ -7 89–88–84–98
4. FISH -8 97–99–85–92
5. GOLDY -9 94–94–82–95
T6. BERN -10 93–91–97–94
T6.NECK -10 94–88–89–91
8. KAPALUA -11 96–86–82–87
9. BRONECK-25 87–85–84–99
CUTTER 110–100–95
DENISE 93–95–89
JOHNNY MAC 103 ( Friday )
D SMITH 72 (Saturday )
BMAC 106 (Sunday )
BRIAN AG 93 (Sunday )